Pining over unavailable woman, need to move on.

[DeerManRidingBicycle]

So this situation has been on my mind for quite a while now and I've finally decided to turn to random internet strangers for help.

 

Last September I (a 21 year old male) transferred to a new university and joined a student organization there (the details of what this group does aren't relevant). I met a girl about the same age as me and took an instant liking to her. We would chat during our weekly group meetings when we got the chance, but before I could ask her out she mentions having a boyfriend.

 

This was obviously a disappointment, especially since I only seem to develop romantic attraction for women very rarely. In any case I thought it would still be worth us getting to know each other so I asked her if she wanted to meet up on campus sometime to get coffee or whatever. She seems enthusiastic about this and we make plans.

 

Time passes and our little meetings continue (maybe every other week) and my feelings for her grow stronger. We talk about her boyfriend a bit, and I learn that they've been dating for just over a year (by now it'll have been year and a half), and that they were friends for at least another year before that. I even ask if they're close, and she says they are and that her boyfriend is nice, although she doesn't sound terribly enthusiastic.

 

As summer approaches, our group's meetings come to an end and we both plan on returning to our respective hometowns (she was living on campus), meaning we won't have as many opportunities to see each other. I message her suggesting we try to keep in touch during the break and she agrees, but when I try to set something up later she doesn't respond.

 

Taking this as a final sign that she isn't interested, I decide that I should probably stop tormenting myself and I unfriend her on Facebook as a way of putting distance between us.

 

Our group did have an unexpected meeting in the summer (about a month and a half ago now) and I saw her there. I wasn't planning on snubbing or ignoring her in person, and once we have a few drinks (it was a pub night) the initial awkwardness is defused and we're laughing and joking with each other.

 

I haven't contacted her since then, since I still think I should just try to get over her and find a single woman, but I can't stop thinking about her. Worse, I can't even seem to think of other women in a romantic way because of my feelings for her, and I have had other opportunities that I've ignored out of disinterest.

 

So what I'm asking from you, dear reader, is both advice on how to move on from a situation like this, and also insight into the situation I've described above. If you want more details, have questions or need clarification just ask and I will provide. Thanks a bunch.

[loveweary11]

How about being honorable?

 

I know... not many people these days understand what that means...

 

I would never, EVER go near or allow myself to develop feelings for another guy's chick.

 

You're in school. Just sit out at the coffee shop or go to the bar for a couple hours and several new girls will appear.

[Satu]

Other peoples women are other peoples women...

 

Other peoples men are other peoples men...

 

Go to Natalie Lue's blog and read everything.

 

She's the ultimate authority on falling for unavailable people, and how not to.

[changeofseasons]

^ Totally agree. Nip it in the bud before anything escalates. Trust me, you dont want to go on a path of chasing after unavailable people, choose healthy relationships.

[Gary S]

Her having a boyfriend was a ginormous red flag - you should have discounted her at that point and set your sights on other girls.

 

If you'll only date women who are available and like you first and more, the world will seem like a much better place.

[green_tea]

How about being honorable?

 

I know... not many people these days understand what that means...

 

I would never, EVER go near or allow myself to develop feelings for another guy's chick.

 

It seems he developed feelings for her before he knew she was unavailable so it's hardly being dishonourable when that happens. It's not like the girl was walking around with a big sign on her head saying 'taken'.

 

I am in a similar sort of position, but the difference is I am 44. OP you are only 21. I have no hope, you do. Take your time in getting over her, but trust me you'll meet someone else. Go no contact if you have to. Seeing her again has brought on your feelings again.

[ZA Dater]

How about being honorable?

 

I know... not many people these days understand what that means...

 

I would never, EVER go near or allow myself to develop feelings for another guy's chick.

 

You're in school. Just sit out at the coffee shop or go to the bar for a couple hours and several new girls will appear.

 

This is all good and well except for the fact the op mentions he is very rarely attracted to anyone. Some people here make it seen like finding someone you like is as easy as buying a cup of coffee. Fact is it isn't.

 

My advice is this friend zone her, sounds like that is working well so far. If things fall apart between her and the bf you are there to pick up the pieces. Lots will disagree with me on this but I feel if you seldom like people and you do like this one then I wouldn't give up the friend idea.

[loveweary11]

It seems he developed feelings for her before he knew she was unavailable so it's hardly being dishonourable when that happens. It's not like the girl was walking around with a big sign on her head saying 'taken'.

 

I am in a similar sort of position, but the difference is I am 44. OP you are only 21. I have no hope, you do. Take your time in getting over her, but trust me you'll meet someone else. Go no contact if you have to. Seeing her again has brought on your feelings again.

 

Definitely dishonorable.

 

He didn't immediately stop once he found out she was in a relationship.

 

He carried on for months. Let's hope you were honorable in your situation.

 

I immediately move on if I find someone is in a relationship. Even if (especially if) they want to cheat with me.

[loveweary11]

This is all good and well except for the fact the op mentions he is very rarely attracted to anyone. Some people here make it seen like finding someone you like is as easy as buying a cup of coffee. Fact is it isn't.

 

My advice is this friend zone her, sounds like that is working well so far. If things fall apart between her and the bf you are there to pick up the pieces. Lots will disagree with me on this but I feel if you seldom like people and you do like this one then I wouldn't give up the friend idea.

 

Look, I'm attracted to probably less women than anyone on this board, given my ridiculous standards and expectations. I can walk down the street in New York City and not see onehot girl in an entire afternoon after passing thousands of people.

 

Your advice is terrible. Being one of those tag along guys who wastes his time pretending to be her friend? Girls hate guys like that. They want genuine friends or lovers. Not some weak guy who pretends to be her friend only to ruin the (fake) friendship when he finally cones clean (and gets rejected).

 

You're telling him he should be a chump and waste time pretending to be a friend while waiting in line while shes banging her boyfriend? Can it be any more degrading to him?

 

He needs to be a man/adult, respect the other dude and find his own girl.

 

There are way more women than men at school. He can just keep sorting through them.

[Grumpybutfun]

This is a great life lesson, OP. Never invest in someone who is invested in someone else.

Good luck,

Grumps

[pewpew]

I would say hard as it seems you need to move on and get over her. She has a boyfriend so she's off limits for now and okay you could keep in contact and maybe one day they break up but how do you know she's going to be interested in you other then friends?

 

Imagine they are together for another 6 months, year maybe longer do you really want to be there just to pick up the pieces in case it falls through? It's hard when you like someone you can't have but she's never been yours to lose so I guess in your situation is just try and move on. Cutting contact like Facebook is a good move.

[joseb]

Look, I'm attracted to probably less women than anyone on this board, given my ridiculous standards and expectations. I can walk down the street in New York City and not see onehot girl in an entire afternoon after passing thousands of people.

 

I thought I was bad with being attracted to roughly 10%!

[No Limit]

Chances are if she has a boyfriend that the attraction and interest is one-sided, so if you make a move you'll make things awkward and they will remain awkward whenever you meet. This has been going on for months and the usual cheating chick would have been in your bed in a matter of days and by now already left her BF for you (most likely after being found out and kicked out). While some people here damn you for even thinking of a taken woman, honestly, it's not like she'll run into your open arms the moment you give her green light.

[Versacehottie]

Definitely dishonorable.

 

He didn't immediately stop once he found out she was in a relationship.

 

He carried on for months. Let's hope you were honorable in your situation.

 

I immediately move on if I find someone is in a relationship. Even if (especially if) they want to cheat with me.

 

I would add that even selfishly it's kind of stupid or a bad investment. Why would you want a girl who emotionally cheats on her guy for months on end? She has cheating tendencies. It's stupid to assume she wouldn't do the same to you at some point. You would never be able to trust her. At best she would need to decide you are "it" in a very short time frame and dump her bf for you for there ever to even be a chance. Instead you play second fiddle to a guy she is not that enthused about and emotionally cheating on (likely for an ego boost) for months on end. That's not attractive. Truly think about it.

 

On your end, the unfriending her on FB was silly. You are friends. That reaction was emo and uncalled for under the circumstances. When you don't get what you want from a girl, but they are within reason (she was to be FB friends), don't go emo. It just ruins future chances with her and people who hear the story. Also not good for your to process real situations like that. Not realistic view of the situation. Good luck. There are a lot of cool girls in college and summer is fun. Make new friends, see what happens.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that if you can handle it, it would be a good idea to stay friends with her. You can date other people, but if she breaks up someday, you can be there for her, and once she's ready, you can ask her out. This is how a boyfriend of mine did it, and once we got together, we had a life-changing love. She doesn't have a ring on her finger, and relationships come and go. When this one goes, if you're friends with her you'll know when.

[ZA Dater]

Look, I'm attracted to probably less women than anyone on this board, given my ridiculous standards and expectations. I can walk down the street in New York City and not see onehot girl in an entire afternoon after passing thousands of people.

 

Your advice is terrible. Being one of those tag along guys who wastes his time pretending to be her friend? Girls hate guys like that. They want genuine friends or lovers. Not some weak guy who pretends to be her friend only to ruin the (fake) friendship when he finally cones clean (and gets rejected).

 

You're telling him he should be a chump and waste time pretending to be a friend while waiting in line while shes banging her boyfriend? Can it be any more degrading to him?

 

He needs to be a man/adult, respect the other dude and find his own girl.

 

There are way more women than men at school. He can just keep sorting through them.

 

On one hand you mention that like the OP (and myself) you find very few females you actually like and then you end with the last paragraph, that to me is contradictory.

 

 

I didn't say pretend to be a friend, I told him be her friend, he has nothing to loose there and potentially something to gain but the fact they get on well should mean the friendship itself will be worth while and anything else that happens a bonus.

[DeerManRidingBicycle]

Thanks everyone for the interesting and diverse range of opinions so far. A couple things I should mention:

 

1)Cheating was certainly never something I'd consider, and she doesn't seem like the kind of person who would do that either. As for her "emotional cheating" and "cheating tendencies", I don't really think that's fair. Are women in relationships not allowed to ever have male friends? She might not be aware of the extent to which I have more-than-friendly feelings for her.

 

2)Come this September, both us will become more active in our mutual group, so I'll be seeing plenty of her for at least another eight months. Quitting the group is not an option, since I really enjoy it and have taken up responsibilities for it. Cutting her off completely is therefore impossible for quite a while.

 

3)My initial reasoning for meeting her regularly was based on two principles:

first, that relationships at this stage in life don't last forever; and secondly, that people can be friends before their relationship develops into something romantic (some of you may dispute this). I would get to know her better in a friendly way in case she ever became available in the future, while not ruling out other women as options.

 

That worked fine for a while, but the problem arose when I found that I wasn't actually developing anything with any other women, and I concluded that this thing with her was probably preventing me from being attracted to anyone else. That's when I decided that I should distance myself.

[preraph]

If she felt as you do, she'd have long since left her bf for you. So if you wait around, do it with the knowledge that the best-case scenario is that she cares about you less than she cared about her ex.

 

I'm sorry. I know this is an emotional hurdle for you. You need to stop looking in on her and just force yourself to stop thinking about her long enough to go out with a friend or go work out or take up a new hobby or travel. I like traveling to put "the problems of three little people" into perspective. It shows you how wide open your opportunities are and how secluded you've made yourself worrying about this one woman out of billions, at least one of whom is a better match for you.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks everyone for the interesting and diverse range of opinions so far. A couple things I should mention:

 

1)Cheating was certainly never something I'd consider, and she doesn't seem like the kind of person who would do that either. As for her "emotional cheating" and "cheating tendencies", I don't really think that's fair. Are women in relationships not allowed to ever have male friends? She might not be aware of the extent to which I have more-than-friendly feelings for her.

 

2)Come this September, both us will become more active in our mutual group, so I'll be seeing plenty of her for at least another eight months. Quitting the group is not an option, since I really enjoy it and have taken up responsibilities for it. Cutting her off completely is therefore impossible for quite a while.

 

3)My initial reasoning for meeting her regularly was based on two principles:

first, that relationships at this stage in life don't last forever; and secondly, that people can be friends before their relationship develops into something romantic (some of you may dispute this). I would get to know her better in a friendly way in case she ever became available in the future, while not ruling out other women as options.

 

That worked fine for a while, but the problem arose when I found that I wasn't actually developing anything with any other women, and I concluded that this thing with her was probably preventing me from being attracted to anyone else. That's when I decided that I should distance myself.

 

*Did I misunderstand that you two met outside of the group activity approximately weekly? If so, she was leading you on. Most bf's would not be ok with this level of contact and I wouldn't want a gf who did this. Male friends are fine and great though. Though if I misunderstood and it was just the group stuff, I'm sorry, she does not seem like the cheating type necessarily. Though if it was just the weekly group meeting and you have conjured up a deeper relationship, you may be reading too much into it at this point.

 

*Yes of course remain active in your group. That's for your enjoyment and why should you cut it off? You shouldn't cut her off completely when you are presumably friends and are in a group together--that's why you shouldn't have done the unfriending on FB.

 

*And yes, remain friends with her through the group! Friendship is a great way to a future relationship. I think if you are doing stuff outside of that and alone, then she is leading you on and you're going to be too emotionally invested.

 

Good luck. Date others and keep a good friendship with her. Do not put her on a pedestal that will kill any interest she has.

[DeerManRidingBicycle]

*Did I misunderstand that you two met outside of the group activity approximately weekly? If so, she was leading you on. Most bf's would not be ok with this level of contact and I wouldn't want a gf who did this. Male friends are fine and great though. Though if I misunderstood and it was just the group stuff, I'm sorry, she does not seem like the cheating type necessarily. Though if it was just the weekly group meeting and you have conjured up a deeper relationship, you may be reading too much into it at this point.

 

*Yes of course remain active in your group. That's for your enjoyment and why should you cut it off? You shouldn't cut her off completely when you are presumably friends and are in a group together--that's why you shouldn't have done the unfriending on FB.

 

*And yes, remain friends with her through the group! Friendship is a great way to a future relationship. I think if you are doing stuff outside of that and alone, then she is leading you on and you're going to be too emotionally invested.

 

The group meetings were weekly, and the two of us met alone about every two to three weeks. That didn't seem inappropriate to me, but everyone has different standards I suppose.

 

As for the Facebook thing, it's worth noting that I personally don't think a Facebook "friendship" really means that much. We basically only used Facebook to make plans for meeting in person, and there are other lines of communication we can still use if needed.

 

If she does ask about the unfriending, should I just give an honest explanation at the risk of making things awkward?

[Versacehottie]

The group meetings were weekly, and the two of us met alone about every two to three weeks. That didn't seem inappropriate to me, but everyone has different standards I suppose.

 

As for the Facebook thing, it's worth noting that I personally don't think a Facebook "friendship" really means that much. We basically only used Facebook to make plans for meeting in person, and there are other lines of communication we can still use if needed.

 

If she does ask about the unfriending, should I just give an honest explanation at the risk of making things awkward?

 

Well what were the pretense of the alone meetings about? Friends and social or planning as part of your group? I think once she realized you had feelings for her, she should have politely declined out her respect for her boyfriend and for you who has feelings for her. Unless it was group related discussions. It's not "that" inappropriate but speaks to her character...unless she was absolutely clueless that you liked her. Guy friends that she has before she met her bf stay in place. Making new "friends" where their interest is not just friend-related, once you become aware, is shaky ground. I mean, if you were her bf 6 months from now and she started hanging out with a new guy friend and you basically knew that's how the two of you started dating, how would it make you feel? Jealous? Uneasy?

 

Ok, I agree a FB friendship means little. That's why anyone who would take the time to go back and unfriend someone clearly has an issue with them.

 

I think in this case to resurrect and correct the unfriending. Just act surprised if she asks you and that you must have hit the button by accident and didn't notice. Hey it happens!! Then later that afternoon, re-friend. Little white lie. As long as you plan to be friends with her, you should fix this.

[DeerManRidingBicycle]

Well what were the pretense of the alone meetings about? Friends and social or planning as part of your group? I think once she realized you had feelings for her, she should have politely declined out her respect for her boyfriend and for you who has feelings for her. Unless it was group related discussions. It's not "that" inappropriate but speaks to her character...unless she was absolutely clueless that you liked her. Guy friends that she has before she met her bf stay in place. Making new "friends" where their interest is not just friend-related, once you become aware, is shaky ground. I mean, if you were her bf 6 months from now and she started hanging out with a new guy friend and you basically knew that's how the two of you started dating, how would it make you feel? Jealous? Uneasy?

 

Ok, I agree a FB friendship means little. That's why anyone who would take the time to go back and unfriend someone clearly has an issue with them.

 

I think in this case to resurrect and correct the unfriending. Just act surprised if she asks you and that you must have hit the button by accident and didn't notice. Hey it happens!! Then later that afternoon, re-friend. Little white lie. As long as you plan to be friends with her, you should fix this.

 

There was no pretense for the alone meetings, it was just socialization.

 

One thing that is a mystery to me is whether or not she knows how I really feel, and whether or not she does would obviously change the analysis a great deal. On the one hand, me expressing a desire to spend time alone with her, as well as asking questions about her current relationship, seem like obvious signs. On the other hand, I'm a very open and gregarious person and I am friendly with most other people in the group (including other women). I haven't made any really obvious flirtation with her, so from her point of view she could just be another one of my many (apparent) friends and acquaintances.

 

As for the "white lie" I'm not sure I want to do that. If she doesn't know how I feel, then when she inevitably finds out she might feel like I've been deceitful, in which case I should probably come clean sooner rather than later. Her asking about the Facebook thing would then be a good opportunity to do just that. Again though the situation hinges on how aware she is of my feelings.

 

I actually read an article a while ago about a study that found that men consistently overestimate female friends' romantic interest in them, while women do the opposite, underestimating any romantic interest from their male friends. That certainly made me think a bit about my own situation.

[dispatch3d]

I wouldn't have even met for coffee with her. What was the point of that? Now I think you're just doing the right thing, letting go and giving space.

 

I wouldn't have unfriended her on facebook. She can tell that happened and it could cause unnecessary social awkwardness. I may just delete her from my news feed if she constantly came across it.

[DeerManRidingBicycle]

I wouldn't have even met for coffee with her. What was the point of that? Now I think you're just doing the right thing, letting go and giving space.

 

I wouldn't have unfriended her on facebook. She can tell that happened and it could cause unnecessary social awkwardness. I may just delete her from my news feed if she constantly came across it.

 

The point of seeing her outside the group was to establish a friendship, so that in case she ever became available in the future we would have a foundation to build on. In the meantime I could still see other women. But like I said above, that kind of backfired when my feelings for her got too strong.

 

As for the unfriending, I think any awkwardness that caused was resolved when we saw each other most recently, as I mentioned in previous posts.

[The Octopus]

You're best off not going into the friend zone. You'll just drive yourself bananas thinking about her. Just be nice to her at your group but then back off. Way off. Do it for your own sanity and to cure your case of one-itis.