Gaeta Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I had a first date last Tuesday. Nice gentleman, 47, business owner, father of a daughter 17, single for a couple of years, he's perfect on paper and we had a good decent date. He kept in touch daily and we have our 2nd date planned for tonight. Here's what has been bugging me. He is from France and moved here 4 years ago. His ex-wife of 15 years cheated on him 4 years ago. He divorced, lawyered up and got full custody of his 13 years old (13 at the time). He then moved here with his daughter, a continent away, uprooting his child of 13. She is an ocean away from her mother, grand-parents, and all family members of both sides and he did this to be as far as possible from his ex.... Would that bother you as much as it bothers me? Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Would that bother you as much as it bothers me? Yes, it would. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 No. It wouldn't bug me as much as it bothers you. There may be more to the story then you know at this point. I can't imagine a judge just letting that happen. So either mommy didn't care enough to fight for the daughter or mommy has issues & the best thing for daughter was to get her as far away as possible. So while I would keep this info in the back of my mind, I wouldn't let speculation override everything else at this early stage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 He is from France.... Is his name Beldar Conehead? I guess I'd have to wonder MORE what kind of mother would ALLOW her ex to move her child to another continent? There's probably a reason for it - and one that's probably not too pretty. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I had a first date last Tuesday. Nice gentleman, 47, business owner, father of a daughter 17, single for a couple of years, he's perfect on paper and we had a good decent date. He kept in touch daily and we have our 2nd date planned for tonight. Here's what has been bugging me. He is from France and moved here 4 years ago. His ex-wife of 15 years cheated on him 4 years ago. He divorced, lawyered up and got full custody of his 13 years old (13 at the time). He then moved here with his daughter, a continent away, uprooting his child of 13. She is an ocean away from her mother, grand-parents, and all family members of both sides and he did this to be as far as possible from his ex.... Would that bother you as much as it bothers me? What happened to your stance of not believing anything a man says for the first few weeks....or until you know him better and trust that what he's telling you is the truth? I agree with d0nnivain....there is more to this story than what he's telling you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 It looks like something went badly wrong there in France. I wouldn't assume any wrongdoing on the part of the father, until I had grounds to do so. If he was granted full custody, he must have proved his ability to properly take care of his daughter. Keep an open mind. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Why did he decide to move to the US? Work? Why does he have full custody. Cheating on your spouse doesn't make you lose custody. I guess I'd need to hear more of the back story...I"m guessing there is a big old mess. That being said, it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he could clarify his logic...which probably isn't 2nd or 3rd date material. Give it a try. See if there is detectable weirdness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crosswordfiend Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I remember a thread on here a while back discussing women who lost custody for their children. The majority of the comments related to the fact that given that family courts slant heavily in favor of women getting custody of the children, these women who can't even get joint custody must have some major red flags attached to them. If what is bother you is the fact that the man uprooted his daughter, then it might be helpful to think of the situation in this context. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 The only other detail that makes me think this is about being vindictive is he told his ex-wife he will not interfere when she wants to see her daughter. If she wants her for holidays he'll send his daughter to France. What a consolation for a mother eh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 What happened to your stance of not believing anything a man says for the first few weeks....or until you know him better and trust that what he's telling you is the truth? I agree with d0nnivain....there is more to this story than what he's telling you... Oh yes if the man covers me with compliments, tells me how great I am, he's crazy about me etc etc of course I don't believe it, it's his d*k talking but if a man tells me on a first date he is vindictive and if you cross him he'll make you regret for the rest of your life, that maybe I should believe. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 How's his relationship with his daughter? A 13 year old is not a malleable child willing to do whatever a parent demands. She is also not dependent on an adult to communicate with her other parent (can use a phone, skype, social media independently). If she went along with the move, and has good relationships with both parents, I would assume he handled things well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit1 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 if a man tells me on a first date he is vindictive and if you cross him he'll make you regret for the rest of your life, that maybe I should believe. Did he say that to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 Did he say that to you? Not with words but.... Taking a 13 yo away from her mother and entire family, move her to different continent where they know no-one doesn't sound vindictive? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Did he say that to you? Yeah, did not read the part where he said he was being vindictive..... Just a thought, but do you think it's possible that instead of getting swept up in all his attention (as you usually do)........you are going to the opposite extreme in assuming he's a vindictive ass? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 How's his relationship with his daughter? A 13 year old is not a malleable child willing to do whatever a parent demands. She is also not dependent on an adult to communicate with her other parent (can use a phone, skype, social media independently). If she went along with the move, and has good relationships with both parents, I would assume he handled things well. They sound like they have a great relationship. She is 17 now and starting college in September. He admitted she had a hard time adapting here. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) Not with words but.... Taking a 13 yo away from her mother and entire family, move her to different continent where they know no-one doesn't sound vindictive? Actually, no I would not have thought of that. Obviously there are issues that caused him to do what he did....but *vindictiveness* seems a little extreme...based on what little info he has shared with you about the situation. Edited June 27, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 You've been on a single date with this guy. No offense, but you jump to conclusions way too quickly...and that's hurting your ability to find anyone compatible. The courts who had full access to all the facts involving his teenager opted to give him full custody and allowed him to leave the country with her. Are you really in a better position to make judgements after a single date than they were??? Do you know more than his daughter who most likely had some say in the custody discussions? I speak from experience when I say that, while it's challenging, there are many positives to a major geographic move at her age. I admire that he's chosen to raise his daughter. I hope he finds someone who respects and admires his choices. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 No. It wouldn't bug me as much as it bothers you. There may be more to the story then you know at this point. I can't imagine a judge just letting that happen. So either mommy didn't care enough to fight for the daughter or mommy has issues & the best thing for daughter was to get her as far away as possible. So while I would keep this info in the back of my mind, I wouldn't let speculation override everything else at this early stage. Also the mother would never have let it happen... If father and daughter are happy then I would leave it there. It doesn't mean he is vindictive at all. It means he wants what is best for both him and his daughter... Find out more about him before you judge this one 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 When a mom is the single parent the typical defense is "Her kids are her business". Why don't men get the same respect? A mom taking full custody is normal and commendable, a father doing so is suspect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 It's not about him having full custody. He is not the first man I come across with full custody and I have only respect for them. It's just moving the child across the globe is extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) It's not about him having full custody. He is not the first man I come across with full custody and I have only respect for them. It's just moving the child across the globe is extreme. Gaeta, if this is such a concern, then why not ask? I would.. Not in an accusatory or confrontational way....but as a way to discover more about him.....and his life. It indicates interest.....while at the same time, providing you with the info you need to determine if this man is someone you wish to continue to date. Don't assume anything negative...I might ask "so what brought you to Canada...work?". Then gauge his response. "Do you enjoy living here....I know for me, moving to a different country would be both exciting and a little scary....has your daughter adjusted okay?". Then gauge his response. His responses will tell you more than just speculating what it *could* be....i.e. vindictiveness. Don't be afraid to ask some hard questions, this is your life and your heart we're talking about here. Unless he has something to hide or be ashamed of, he will be happy to answer your questions. I have never been afraid to ask the hard questions.... beats imagining the worst, letting the negativity build , and then sabotaging the whole thing based on what you're imagining. If he becomes uncomfortable and hems and haws at your questions.... THAT is a red flag! It means he's probably hiding something significant..... IMO anyway. So ask away! That's what I would do anyway, and most men are happy to answer questions....in fact they like it as it indicates interest on your part. But again, be careful when you ask, not to sound accusatory or confrontational.....you are simply interested in his life and want to get to know him better, that's all. Which is a good thing! JMO..... Good luck! Edited June 27, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit1 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 Not with words but.... Taking a 13 yo away from her mother and entire family, move her to different continent where they know no-one doesn't sound vindictive? If I were you I'd get to know him better. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 After one date, you're in a better position than the court and her own parent to determine what is best for his daughter??? Gaeta, you've dated hundreds of men at this point. Every last one has been too flawed to lead to anything viable. With all due respect, at some point, I think you should take a step back and look at how you make decisions about men. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 If he was granted full custody then there will be a very good reason it. A judge would not make this decision lightly. Ask him when you get to know him a bit better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I remember a thread on here a while back discussing women who lost custody for their children. The majority of the comments related to the fact that given that family courts slant heavily in favor of women getting custody of the children, these women who can't even get joint custody must have some major red flags attached to them. Yeah, well those people didn't know what they were talking about. The court doesn't in fact "favor women." The court favors the role the parent takes in the child's life. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts