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Boyfriend / housemate confrontation


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I am between a rock and a hard place recently.

 

My housemate is really upset with my relationship. She stated to me that she doesn't like that I spend a lot of time with my bf, since in her opinion I am neglecting the house cleaning and my pet. She went further that in my bf loves me, he'll spend time in my house, not out or in his place.

 

She is probably right - I'm spending the weekends in his place so she has to take more of the charge for cleaning and pet care. However, my bf opposes the idea to spend time in my house mainly because she is there. I shared with him early on that she expressed a desire to "evaluate him", and he was quite upset with that.

 

It is actually worse on both sides. My bf expressed an opinion that he doesn't want her in our lives as a friend after I move out in few months (although I was clear that she is a friend of mine...). My housemate expressed an opinion that I should date other guys because she feels this one is not for me (first time that she said it was when we had some problems so it kind of hit me...).

 

I don't want to move out (at least for a few more months), but I don't want to put an unnecessary strain on my relationship. It seems like I'd never be able to work out a compromise between them, so I can spend more time with my bf in my place over the weekends. I'm a bit lost how to proceed with that.

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Well, a few points to start off with.

 

 

Both are overstepping their boundaries, and you need to call them on it. Your room mate needs to shut her mouth about your relationship because it's not hers. She doesn't get a say in that. Also, who's pets are these? Are they hers or yours? If you are a messy person and don't clean, that's one thing, but if you aren't a messy person and she still expects you to help clean anyway, that's messed up.

 

 

Your boyfriend doesn't like your roommate. Nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't get to insist you kick her out of your life.

 

I can't say I blame him for not wanting to be around her though. She's acting like a parent and treating both of you like teenagers.

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Your romantic life is your own business.

 

Shame on you for neglecting your pet. Your pet is your full responsibility, not your room-mate. When you adopt an animal you have a moral obligation toward it. If you cannot fulfill your role of responsible pet owner than find it a better home.

 

Your responsibilities as a room-mate aren't cancelled because you have a boyfriend. Do your house chores, end of it.

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Yeah, indeed they're both overstepping boundaries, and I let it happen for too long.

 

One pet is hers, one is mine. I tried to make a fair arrangement: I buy the food / she give it to them (she also works from home most of the week and makes less then me, so it was a logical distribution of efforts), she didn't like that though.

 

My boyfriend on the other side could have at least had one conversation with her before writing her off. If he was ok to spend time with her before making statements, I'd understand, but now it sounds extreme to me.

 

And yeah, their age makes it ridiculous: he's late 30s, she's mid 40s, non of us is even close to teenage years:D

 

 

Well, a few points to start off with.

 

 

Both are overstepping their boundaries, and you need to call them on it. Your room mate needs to shut her mouth about your relationship because it's not hers. She doesn't get a say in that. Also, who's pets are these? Are they hers or yours? If you are a messy person and don't clean, that's one thing, but if you aren't a messy person and she still expects you to help clean anyway, that's messed up.

 

 

Your boyfriend doesn't like your roommate. Nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't get to insist you kick her out of your life.

 

I can't say I blame him for not wanting to be around her though. She's acting like a parent and treating both of you like teenagers.

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Hey, I totally agree with that. However, by "neglecting" she means that she's doing more of the feedings/cleaning over the weekends. All the vet care, getting food etc is my business and she's not at all involved in it.

 

Shame on you for neglecting your pet. Your pet is your full responsibility, not your room-mate. When you adopt an animal you have a moral obligation toward it. If you cannot fulfill your role of responsible pet owner than find it a better home.
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Hey, I totally agree with that. However, by "neglecting" she means that she's doing more of the feedings/cleaning over the weekends. All the vet care, getting food etc is my business and she's not at all involved in it.

 

Who wants to be doing extra poop cleaning on weekends for a room-mate? If you spend that much time at your boyfriend than why not move your pet to his place?

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It is too early on (less than 4 months), and I think it is not fair to the animal to be jiggled between houses.

 

The solution that I see is just spending the weekends in my house, but my bg refuses when my roommate is there :(

 

Who wants to be doing extra poop cleaning on weekends for a room-mate? If you spend that much time at your boyfriend than why not move your pet to his place?
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I Just Wanna b Happy

There is absolutely no excuse for a roommate to be taking care of your pet. Your boyfriend needs to understand that you have other responsibilities besides laying up with him. My old roommate tried the same thing and it ended with the termination of our friendship. Your roommate needs to mind her business in regard to your relationship.

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It is too early on (less than 4 months), and I think it is not fair to the animal to be jiggled between houses.

 

The solution that I see is just spending the weekends in my house, but my bg refuses when my roommate is there :(

 

Too bad for the boyfriend then.

 

Do not neglect an animal in the name of a boyfriend. I would not respect a man that neglects his pets to spend time with me.

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It is too early on (less than 4 months), and I think it is not fair to the animal to be jiggled between houses.

 

:(

 

Lol...you'd be amazed how flexible pets are....especially dogs.

 

My pup goes everywhere with me, yup even when she was a few months old.

 

Frankly though....if you aren't in a position to take care of it properly, you have no business having a pet in the first place.

 

THAT is what's not fair....or right.

 

Boyfriend solution: spend time at your boyfriend's but take 1-2 hours out of your day to get back home to do your share of the chores....

 

Or do all your choses during the week.

 

And since you don't seem to give a crap about your pet...put it up for adoption.... allowing it to be loved and cared for properly by a family who *does*.

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She might be jealous. I broke up with a housemate because she didn't want me to date at all. It wasn't a matter of chores, I was doing ALL the chores anyway, she was just paying rent. She just wanted me for herself. Weird.

 

I would make a schedule for your chores, do what you need to do and balance that with seeing your BF. And move out in a few months. At your age, is better that you live alone.

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*since you don't seem to give a crap about your pet.. - this is VERY offensive, I don't know what made you think that

 

It is a cat, and he definitely doesn't like to travel: even going to the vet 2 miles away is a challenge. I discussed it with other cat owners and they agree it is a pain to move cats between places.

 

*spend time at your boyfriend's but take 1-2 hours out of your day to get back home to do your share of the chores.... - that i am doing ALREADY. I'm out of the house Friday nights, going back to do chores for some time on Saturdays, then go out again and come back on Sunday evening. Still my housemate is not happy since she thinks she's doing more than me (and I don't blame her for it, simply I can't find a solution satisfactory for all parties :( )

 

Lol...you'd be amazed how flexible pets are....especially dogs.

 

My pup goes everywhere with me, yup even when she was a few months old.

 

Frankly though....if you aren't in a position to take care of it properly, you have no business having a pet in the first place.

 

THAT is what's not fair....or right.

 

Boyfriend solution: spend time at your boyfriend's but take 1-2 hours out of your day to get back home to do your share of the chores....

 

Or do all your choses during the week.

 

And since you don't seem to give a crap about your pet...put it up for adoption.... allowing it to be loved and cared for properly by a family who *does*.

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*since you don't seem to give a crap about your pet

 

**.. - this is VERY offensive, I don't know what made you think that**

 

It is a cat, and he definitely doesn't like to travel: even going to the vet 2 miles away is a challenge. I discussed it with other cat owners and they agree it is a pain to move cats between places.

 

*spend time at your boyfriend's but take 1-2 hours out of your day to get back home to do your share of the chores.... - that i am doing ALREADY. I'm out of the house Friday nights, going back to do chores for some time on Saturdays, then go out again and come back on Sunday evening. Still my housemate is not happy since she thinks she's doing more than me (and I don't blame her for it, simply I can't find a solution satisfactory for all parties :( )

 

Gee maybe because you would rather be with your boyfriend than take care of it.....leaving it to your housemate to do..

 

Cats are more independent than dogs.... but still need attention and care from those who love them..like their owners....not their owner's housemates...don't you think?

 

Or maybe your housemate is just a demanding unreasonable bytch....in which case, you might want to start thinking about moving out or getting another housemate....

 

Just a suggestion.

 

Apologies for offending you...:)

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Hm, if I was not concerned for the cat, I wouldn't buy her excuses for the same reason. For the chores, I offered to pay for a cleaner to come once a month, which I thought is more than fair (I don't spend much time in the house to make a mess anyway, e.g. I never cook or eat there, except occasional takeouts). But yeah, I am mainly concerned for the cat-related tasks.

 

When I moved in this house, I was single and not dating. She would ask me to watch movies with her or help her baking/cooking nearly every evening. Her social life used to revolve around me and our other housemate. So she maybe jealous in that respect (think of me dating as losing me as a friend).

 

Moving in a place without roommates will be ideal, but since I'll be switching jobs soon, I want to wait for this to happen first. So I have to put up with the roommate situation for now.

 

She might be jealous. I broke up with a housemate because she didn't want me to date at all. It wasn't a matter of chores, I was doing ALL the chores anyway, she was just paying rent. She just wanted me for herself. Weird.

 

I would make a schedule for your chores, do what you need to do and balance that with seeing your BF. And move out in a few months. At your age, is better that you live alone.

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Hey, I'm just very sensitive on that topic because I love my cat, but my bf as well, and find it hard to balance.

 

I agree with you that cats need attention from their owners (in my opinion as much as dogs do, just they express themselves in a different way), and it will be so simple if my bf just could have spend time with me in my house despite that he's not a fan of my roommate.... But he's just too stubborn :(

 

My roommate is not a b*tch in my opinion, she's a good person, but I think she's definitely needy for attention (as I mentioned in my post to another user, her social life revolves around the housemates, she rarely goes out with other people) and gets it in a weird way (by making me feel very very guilty).

 

I'm thinking that I should work with my bf on a compromise - e.g. spending more time in my place, but keeping the interactions with her low key when she's there, as long as it is possible.

 

Gee maybe because you would rather be with your boyfriend than take care of it.....leaving it to your housemate to do..

 

Cats are more independent than dogs.... but still need attention and care from those who love them..like their owners....not their owner's housemates...don't you think?

 

Or maybe your housemate is just a demanding unreasonable bytch....in which case, you might want to start thinking about moving out or getting another housemate....

 

Just a suggestion.

 

Apologies for offending you...:)

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It is a cat, and he definitely doesn't like to travel: even going to the vet 2 miles away is a challenge.

 

Pets don't like to travel to the vet because scary and painful things happen in Vets offices. If they are taken to other places such as boyfriends houses on weekends where there are treats and toys they actually look forward to hopping in the car.

 

I'm sorry but I find your statements to be irresponsible and you try to justify them with no sound reasoning.

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Does your boyfriend understand you have a pet and pet responsibilities? He should get with the program and visit you at your place. I don't care he doesn't like your room-mate, he's not 15, he can put that aside and be civil for the sake of spending time with you and allowing you to take care of your pet responsibilities.

 

You need to stop telling your room mate about your relationship. That's what started this whole mess.

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Have you ever owned a cat? They do not distinguish where they're going, if you put them in a carrier, just the idea to get in a confined space scares them.

 

Skipping the carrier is tricky: there is a risk to lose the animal (very dangerous in the city), and also for damage of the car (if it was my own car, no problem, but it is my bf's)

 

I dare to say I know what I'm talking about on cat topics since I've been a cat owner/lover my entire life.

 

 

Pets don't like to travel to the vet because scary and painful things happen in Vets offices. If they are taken to other places such as boyfriends houses on weekends where there are treats and toys they actually look forward to hopping in the car.

 

I'm sorry but I find your statements to be irresponsible and you try to justify them with no sound reasoning.

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Agreed. I created the situation by oversharing on both ends (flooded the roommate with information, scared off the bf). Now I need to reverse it, mainly on the bf end, by setting some boundaries.

 

Does your boyfriend understand you have a pet and pet responsibilities? He should get with the program and visit you at your place. I don't care he doesn't like your room-mate, he's not 15, he can put that aside and be civil for the sake of spending time with you and allowing you to take care of your pet responsibilities.

 

You need to stop telling your room mate about your relationship. That's what started this whole mess.

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I have never owned a cat.

 

All of my experience with pets and how they approach the idea of traveling is from spending time with my dog.

 

Your roommate doesn't want to care for your cat, even if you pay for the food. She's said as much. You'll have to make other arrangements. I totally get why your boyfriend would rather you be at his place where you have privacy rather than with a roommate who doesn't like your boyfriend and has told you to break up with him. Forcing the two of them to be together just so you can watch the cat is not the answer.

 

My girlfriend has a cat. She fills the food dish and replaces the litter in the box about 2x per week. I don't get why your cat is so different that it needs to be cared for every single day of the week.

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I was sure you're talking from a dog-owner standpoint :) (I had a dog before too).

 

*Forcing the two of them to be together just so you can watch the cat is not the answer.* The other options are moving out (bad timing for me), or spending less time with my bf (as of now, he'd think it is because of the roommate not the cat... I'd need to communicate it carefully).

 

*She fills the food dish and replaces the litter in the box about 2x per week.*

We need to clean the litter box more often because my roommate also owns a cat (with 2 is harder). Also she wants to feed both cats with soft food, not dry (so it need to be given to the 2-3 times a day), and she thinks they need more play time (subjective, I can agree it is nice for the cats to spend more time with their owners too).

 

P.S. What bugs me is she was totally ok when I working late, but she's not ok when i'm out for dating (I actually spend more time in the house during the week days now, because my job is way less demanding, it is the weekends that bother her).

 

 

I have never owned a cat.

 

All of my experience with pets and how they approach the idea of traveling is from spending time with my dog.

 

Your roommate doesn't want to care for your cat, even if you pay for the food. She's said as much. You'll have to make other arrangements. I totally get why your boyfriend would rather you be at his place where you have privacy rather than with a roommate who doesn't like your boyfriend and has told you to break up with him. Forcing the two of them to be together just so you can watch the cat is not the answer.

 

My girlfriend has a cat. She fills the food dish and replaces the litter in the box about 2x per week. I don't get why your cat is so different that it needs to be cared for every single day of the week.

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losangelena
P.S. What bugs me is she was totally ok when I working late, but she's not ok when i'm out for dating (I actually spend more time in the house during the week days now, because my job is way less demanding, it is the weekends that bother her).

 

OMG, this lady needs to step off.

 

Is it just the two of you in the house? Were you friends before you moved in together? Is one of y'all's name on the lease and not the other?

 

What about her dating life? I'm assuming she doesn't do it at all.

 

And why exactly does she not like your BF?

 

The only reason I'm so curious is that I have similarly bossy, controlling roommates (well, one of two) and the controlling behavior REALLY started around the time I started dating my BF, so I can totally empathize. As a result, my BF and I spend almost all of our together time at his place, which admittedly is more comfortable because he lives by himself. So we can laze around all we want, have sex as loud as we want, be up as late, etc. Still, when grown women want to interfere into the dating life of their roommates, it shows a distinct lack of boundaries.

 

Why do the cats both need to be taken care of the way she wants? Can't your cat just have dry food? I guess if it sees the other one being fed, it'll want the wet food, too.

 

I mean, you go back over there on the weekends to take care of things—at this point, what more does your roommate want? Have you asked her that directly?

 

Also, I will say, that since neither my roommate nor my BF knew each other before we started dating, I was the one responsible for their bad feelings for each other. Lesson learned—be very careful how you talk about the others in your lives.

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She's totally jealous. A cat is not such a big deal. You just make sure you clean litter and leave food for the day before you go to your BF.

 

I had loads of problems with single women friends either when I just started dating (like in the story with my own housemate) or when I got a boyfriend. A lot of your single friends will be jealous and would rather you be single like them. Then they'll try to act like a beatch and give you a hard time.

 

You should go ahead and break up with this woman when you get the chance, boyfriend or no boyfriend. She's not a good friend.

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Have you ever owned a cat? They do not distinguish where they're going, if you put them in a carrier, just the idea to get in a confined space scares them.

 

Skipping the carrier is tricky: there is a risk to lose the animal (very dangerous in the city), and also for damage of the car (if it was my own car, no problem, but it is my bf's)

 

I dare to say I know what I'm talking about on cat topics since I've been a cat owner/lover my entire life.

 

I have. All my life,too. Once they get used to it, they chill out. It's when it's never done or it's done sporadically that they have issues.

 

So since your cat has issues, then it would seem that your boyfriend should be mature enough to understand that you've got responsibilities that were in your life before he came on the scene and that you have to be at your place on the weekends. It's time for him to pull up his big boy pants.

 

Also, your roommate needs to be told what your boundaries are and what lines she's not going to cross. Stop telling her about your relationships because she can't handle it.

 

You both might want to watch "Single White Female" and discuss it afterwards.

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