compulsivedancer Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 I might be meeting his kids tomorrow. We've been dating about three months and recently exchanged ILYs. His kids are 6 and 8 and I'm really nervous. They seem like great kids, but I've never spent a lot of time with kids, and I'm nervous. Kids usually like me, but the stakes are higher here. They know about me, apparently, and it sounds like they are okay with it. We're meeting at the arcade possibly tomorrow so that it'll be relatively low pressure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 No reason to worry if there isn't a reason to worry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 The one guy I dated who had a child I was way more nervous meeting the son then I had ever been meeting the parents or even extended family. Like you part of it was I didn't have much experience with kids. The mindset that helped me was that I wasn't there to replace the bio parent but my role also wasn't pure friend. I viewed myself as a benevolent adult in the kids' life who had some responsibility for his safety. That last part in my mind gave me the authority to set boundaries -- no you can't jump on the bed, you will hold my hand when we cross the street etc. It seemed to work. Be kind & gracious to the kids. Meet them on their level. Plan an activity that will be fun for them. With my EX we went to an arcade. Later we'd go see movies with him or go bowling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 The onus is really on the parent, not you as the guest. It's not your job to entertain or impress them. There is nothing for you to do but be kind and friendly, perhaps show a little interests in things that are important to them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 The onus is really on the parent, not you as the guest. It's not your job to entertain or impress them. There is nothing for you to do but be kind and friendly, perhaps show a little interests in things that are important to them. I really like this advice as a single parent I couldnt ask for anything more than just that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 I think the challenge is that meeting the kids could be a dealbreaker, in a way that meeting the parents wouldn't be for most men. Link to post Share on other sites
mandymor Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 The thing is to just relax and be yourself. Be nice and social but don't go overboard to where it looks like you're trying to hard. They are just little human beings, no big deal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 If my stbxh wants our kids to meet the person he is dating, all I ask is for that be kind and respect my children. No need to entertain them OTT or spend so much on them, they are not used to strangers spoiling them. That's mainly reserved for the grandparents lol. But seriously, depending on how the child perceives a parent dating will determine how you would approach the child. If the child is already anti, then you would have to work on befriending the child. But if the situation is neutral, just be friendly and show interest, they would appreciate that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I'm there too compulsivedancer! I'll be meeting them next week at the youngest one's school play thing then restaurant, and I am petrified! They are 14 and 15, very tall and well, teenage boys... They also know about me, their father said they were excited to meet me (not sure how excited a teenage boy can be, really...). Apart from my niece, who is 2 1/2, I have no experience with kids at all and I'm scared to death!! Good luck to you, hope it goes well PS: you seem lovely, I'm sure it will 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Awww dont be scared guys be friendly and nice and ask about them kids love to talk about themselves or what's on their minds they arnt much for stories of adults, dont try to parent or feel that you need to show some type of responsibility to your partner. The hardest thing you'll find about talking to other people's kids or at least for me is showing interest in what they're talking about because they'll tell you the most pointless of things esp the young ones lol just be super friendly even if its not very engaging. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Meeting the kids after 3 months, isn't that a bit...quick? I never really understood what adults get out of dating someone new, and then getting their kids all involved in their little romance thinking that... "Ohhh, I like this person so much right now and things are going so great...I just HAVE to introduce them to my children and tell my children ALLL about them, even though the kids don't give a flying damn...but I'm so enamored and smitten right now I'm not really thinking straight...swooooon!" In the end, they're kids...they'll need time to warm up, likely longer than your 3 month insta-serious-relationship, as you try to prove to them how special you are to each other...but I'd take it easy and slow, not try to hit the ground running with them and buy their favor with cheap tactics, like overly jolly and nice behavior and gifts. Kids are usually more perceptive than adults, they can tell if you're a douchebag of a person behind the facade. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Meeting the kids after 3 months, isn't that a bit...quick? I never really understood what adults get out of dating someone new, and then getting their kids all involved in their little romance thinking that... "Ohhh, I like this person so much right now and things are going so great...I just HAVE to introduce them to my children and tell my children ALLL about them, even though the kids don't give a flying damn...but I'm so enamored and smitten right now I'm not really thinking straight...swooooon!" In the end, they're kids...they'll need time to warm up, likely longer than your 3 month insta-serious-relationship, as you try to prove to them how special you are to each other...but I'd take it easy and slow, not try to hit the ground running with them and buy their favor with cheap tactics, like overly jolly and nice behavior and gifts. Kids are usually more perceptive than adults, they can tell if you're a douchebag of a person behind the facade. I agree with you and when I read 3 months I was like hmmmm you can't really know someone well in three months but it's their choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I agree with you and when I read 3 months I was like hmmmm you can't really know someone well in three months but it's their choice. My parents got married 5 months after they met; 41 years on, they are still together and still as strong as ever... Meeting the children is more a pragmatic decision than it is the sign of an 'insta-serious-relationship' (love the expression NiP ) for me anyway (apologies for the thread highjack, CD). I spend quite a lot of time at his place as it is and at almost 39. sneaking in and out without getting noticed doesn't really sound appealing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) My parents got married 5 months after they met; 41 years on, they are still together and still as strong as ever... Meeting the children is more a pragmatic decision than it is the sign of an 'insta-serious-relationship' (love the expression NiP ) for me anyway (apologies for the thread highjack, CD). I spend quite a lot of time at his place as it is and at almost 39. sneaking in and out without getting noticed doesn't really sound appealing. That's nice but I garuntee when they married they didnt know each other in and out and they decided to take that chance and it worked out for them. This is about if a child should be in the presence of this person that you indeed trust them enough to have access and knowledge of your children for me as a mother 3 months, never I do not feel thats a choice to be made after how many dates are in three months total which prob wouldnt be much unless you spent nearly everyday together and not once or twice a week (which is usually the amount if your a working individual with kids) I know a friend right now who's been dating a girl for 9 months they both have kids and introduced them all early because like Ninja said ohhh they're so in love its going to be great yay. But the reality is she's turning out to be abusive verbally and some physical and hes just finding this out now nine months later and the children have a front row view, had he waited till he actually knew this woman he could of spared them some of the recent things that have taken place. Not saying the choice is unwise maybe they feel they know each other enough, but there is a lot more still to know most def. Edited June 14, 2015 by Omei Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 That's nice but I garuntee when they married they didnt know each other in and out and they decided to take that chance and it worked out for them. This is about if a child should be in the presence of this person that you indeed trust them enough to have access and knowledge of your children for me as a mother 3 months, never I do not feel thats a choice to be made after how many dates are in three months total which prob wouldnt be much unless you spent nearly everyday together and not once or twice a week (which is usually the amount if your a working individual with kids) I know a friend right now who's been dating a girl for 9 months they both have kids and introduced them all early because like Ninja said ohhh they're so in love its going to be great yay. But the reality is she's turning out to be abusive verbally and some physical and hes just finding this out now nine months later and the children have a front row view, had he waited till he actually knew this woman he could of spared them some of the recent things that have taken place. Not saying the choice is unwise maybe they feel they know each other enough, but there is a lot more still to know most def. I think in some ways meeting the kids is like an audition. After all, you'd hate to get serious with someone who can't interact with your kids. I don't stay at his place, and I doubt I'll be hanging out with them often, but this means if he wants to invite me to their Fourth of July celebration or something, he can. I'm certainly not going to be picking his kids up from school or cooking for them every weekend. As far as I know, he hasn't built his kids up for this. I'm just going to hang out with them for an hour or so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 You'll be fine compulsive. Don't have to knock it out of the ballpark the first time. It's just an introduction, a chance to get them familiar with you on some level. You can always build up a dynamic over time. I'm actually doing the same thing as we speak. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Meeting the kids after 3 months, isn't that a bit...quick? I never really understood what adults get out of dating someone new, and then getting their kids all involved in their little romance thinking that... "Ohhh, I like this person so much right now and things are going so great...I just HAVE to introduce them to my children and tell my children ALLL about them, even though the kids don't give a flying damn...but I'm so enamored and smitten right now I'm not really thinking straight...swooooon!" Yes, FINALLY! Someone who had the same thoughts that I did. I see so much more harm in introducing the kids to one's significant other at this stage, than I see benefits. Saying "I Love You" after three months is also a little strange, but whatever. But it's your (and the kids' parent's) decision OP. Just be yourself. Be nice, but don't try too hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 You'll be fine compulsive. Don't have to knock it out of the ballpark the first time. It's just an introduction, a chance to get them familiar with you on some level. You can always build up a dynamic over time. I'm actually doing the same thing as we speak. How long have you guys been dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Met them and it was super low-pressure. They could have cared less about me. They just wanted to play games at the arcade. I had to be at a work event at 3, so I only had about 30 minutes. Super easy. Phew. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Met them and it was super low-pressure. They could have cared less about me. They just wanted to play games at the arcade. I had to be at a work event at 3, so I only had about 30 minutes. Super easy. Phew. Good stuff 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 The ice has been broken . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KSCHV Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 From my findings three months may be a bit quick, JMHO. I was seeing/messing around with this gal for about three months before it ended. Didn't give it much thought and met her kid the first week into the deal. Bad idea! After a few weeks she was calling me daddy ect, she was three or four. Major WTF this isn't right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Met them and it was super low-pressure. They could have cared less about me. They just wanted to play games at the arcade. I had to be at a work event at 3, so I only had about 30 minutes. Super easy. Phew. See, not that scary. We haven't been dating super long but I think it's more important to base it on when both partners know they're going to be together for a while, rather than a set amount of time. I don't know if people here just haven't dated a single parent or what but it can be very crippling if you can't see each other for the whole work week or on weekends. Depending on when they have the kids. I (Timshel) would add that the relationship between the parents is an important factor and that the overall stability of the childrens lives determines the timeline for meeting a new person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 From my findings three months may be a bit quick, JMHO. I was seeing/messing around with this gal for about three months before it ended. Didn't give it much thought and met her kid the first week into the deal. Bad idea! After a few weeks she was calling me daddy ect, she was three or four. Major WTF this isn't right. We're definitely not "messing around." And I don't expect to see the kids frequently, but their dad is only available a couple days a week and he usually has them during those days, so there may be times where I could see him at a reasonable hour if the kids are okay with having me around. Or events that I could attend. The kids live with their mom, and I don't think either of us are wanting to involve me greatly enough in their lives right now for them to become super-attached right now. They are also a little older than four, so that should help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 As much as it is a big deal for a parent to introduce someone new to their kids' lives (I totally get that, that's ultimately the parent's decision), it's also important to see what type of a parent they are with their kids. I know I'm going to pay attention to the way they interact with each other because I see it as a two-way street: the way he is with them, how he's raising them will show a side of his personality and I'd rather find out sooner rather than later if future incompatibilities could arise from that in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
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