Money talk

[No_Go]

Me and my bf are at the 3 months mark now. I usually stay in his place Friday to Sunday, and we see each other every other weekday. Currently he is taking care of the home meals and rides (I don't have a car and have roommates so I can't invite him over). However I pay for ~3/4 of dates out.

 

This has been looking sort of fair to me so far, but I start to feel like I'm contributing more financially than him. I am wondering is it time to discuss finances more formally. I don't know how to phrase it though without sounding weird. Shall I ask for common budget for dates and groceries - is that something acceptable early in the relationship?

[sandylee1]

Me and my bf are at the 3 months mark now. I usually stay in his place Friday to Sunday, and we see each other every other weekday. Currently he is taking care of the home meals and rides (I don't have a car and have roommates so I can't invite him over). However I pay for ~3/4 of dates out.

 

This has been looking sort of fair to me so far, but I start to feel like I'm contributing more financially than him. I am wondering is it time to discuss finances more formally. I don't know how to phrase it though without sounding weird. Shall I ask for common budget for dates and groceries - is that something acceptable early in the relationship?

 

It's way to early to even think of discussing budgets . I mean unless you live together, I wouldn't be discussing budgets with a bf at all. Your dating and this is the early stages.

 

You can always offer to cook at his place once in a while or buy the ingredients together to cook on the Friday to Sunday so it doesn't fall on him financially all the time. Or when you're at his place you pay for takeout

 

Are you both working?

 

I personally wouldn't be pleased to pay for 3 out of 4 dates.

Look at the overall picture. Is he tight fisted?, is he paying for the cheap dates only ?

 

Tbh - this is a new relationship and you should make sure you're not spending too much time together . Give each other some space.

[d0nnivain]

Go to less expensive places if you want to adjust the budget but don't have a $$ talk at this point. It's too soon & looks petty

[No_Go]

Thanks for the advice.

He is indeed tight fisted, i remember only one occasion on which he splurged.

We're both working, in the same wage bracket I think, although he's paying off debt, I don't have any.

I'd also be much happier if he paid more often for the dates out, I always feel anxious and offer to pay, and he accepts. I don't know how exactly to handle that. Stop offering?

 

It's way to early to even think of discussing budgets . I mean unless you live together, I wouldn't be discussing budgets with a bf at all. Your dating and this is the early stages.

 

You can always offer to cook at his place once in a while or buy the ingredients together to cook on the Friday to Sunday so it doesn't fall on him financially all the time. Or when you're at his place you pay for takeout

 

Are you both working?

 

I personally wouldn't be pleased to pay for 3 out of 4 dates.

Look at the overall picture. Is he tight fisted?, is he paying for the cheap dates only ?

 

Tbh - this is a new relationship and you should make sure you're not spending too much time together . Give each other some space.

[MissBee]

Me and my bf are at the 3 months mark now. I usually stay in his place Friday to Sunday, and we see each other every other weekday. Currently he is taking care of the home meals and rides (I don't have a car and have roommates so I can't invite him over). However I pay for ~3/4 of dates out.

 

This has been looking sort of fair to me so far, but I start to feel like I'm contributing more financially than him. I am wondering is it time to discuss finances more formally. I don't know how to phrase it though without sounding weird. Shall I ask for common budget for dates and groceries - is that something acceptable early in the relationship?

 

I don't think you should make a budget for dates or groceries. That will be very awkward and formal.

 

What you can do though is offer to buy groceries sometimes for the home meals or offer to give him gas sometimes, start doing that, that way he will see that you're making an effort to help with that. Then casually bring up maybe alternating dates out with something as simple as " I'll pay for the movie tickets, wanna buy dinner tomorrow/next time?" I feel like in this case your actions and simple things like this might work to set a new pattern versus a potentially strained and awkward talk about a dating budget.

 

I've never had any budget talks with boyfriends. Things tended to happen organically where we just alternated paying for dates later in the relationship, all of them made more than me so I think that made it so that they didn't make a big deal about footing more costs. But I also cooked more than most of them (except one) and bought the groceries....but overall we worked it out organically where sometimes I'd bring groceries to their house or if we went to the grocery store, even if he was cooking the meal, at the check out I'd offer to the foot the bill, or I'd sometimes ask while at the gas station if they wanted me to get it this time, or whatever the date was I'd make it a point to sometimes offer to pay and I think that made it organic and then it became more of a partnership. But it was never anything we sat down and discussed or that was a big deal or where we calculated who spent more. I think what was important was that neither of us felt we were being used...so maybe if we checked it up one of us paid more or maybe it was equal, but point was we never felt the need to check because how we did things made it feel like a partnership and not obviously skewed one way.

Edited June 8, 2015 by MissBee

[No_Go]

Thanks MissBee, actually I think this strategy will work. To clarify, my bf never forced me to pay for dates, just for me is awkward and I do offer each time considering that we spend all the home-time in his place.

 

I'm also not calculating to the dollar, just this time I'm a bit paranoid because I've been burned badly by exes-moochers.

 

 

I don't think you should make a budget for dates or groceries. That will be very awkward and formal.

 

What you can do though is offer to buy groceries sometimes for the home meals or offer to give him gas sometimes, start doing that, that way he will see that you're making an effort to help with that. Then casually bring up maybe alternating dates out with something as simple as " I'll pay for the movie tickets, wanna buy dinner tomorrow/next time?" I feel like in this case your actions and simple things like this might work to set a new pattern versus a potentially strained and awkward talk about a dating budget.

 

I've never had any budget talks with boyfriends. Things tended to happen organically where we just alternated paying for dates later in the relationship, all of them made more than me so I think that made it so that they didn't make a big deal about footing more costs. But I also cooked more than most of them (except one) and bought the groceries....but overall we worked it out organically where sometimes I'd bring groceries to their house or if we went to the grocery store, even if he was cooking the meal, at the check out I'd offer to the foot the bill, or I'd sometimes ask while at the gas station if they wanted me to get it this time, or whatever the date was I'd make it a point to sometimes offer to pay and I think that made it organic and then it became more of a partnership. But it was never anything we sat down and discussed or that was a big deal or where we calculated who spent more. I think what was important was that neither of us felt we were being used...so maybe if we checked it up one of us paid more or maybe it was equal, but point was we never felt the need to check because how we did things made it feel like a partnership and not obviously skewed one way.

[smackie9]

Thanks for the advice.

He is indeed tight fisted, i remember only one occasion on which he splurged.

We're both working, in the same wage bracket I think, although he's paying off debt, I don't have any.

I'd also be much happier if he paid more often for the dates out, I always feel anxious and offer to pay, and he accepts. I don't know how exactly to handle that. Stop offering?

 

 

Why are you dating another tight fisted guy? lol

 

It's important early in a relationship to set your expectations. If you keep paying, they are going to keep expecting it and that's difficult to reverse. The suggestions posted are great, and it's not too late to "shift" things more evenly.

[No_Go]

I know that, he's very sweet with that and I appreciate it.

 

As said, I'd also wouldn't mind to share the gas&groceries, but then we should also alternate for dates. This will be probably ideal, however as the others noted, we're early on in dating so such a talk can be misinterpreted as petty.

 

I don't think you should so easily dismiss the contributions your BF is making. Unless you live right around the corner, it is a pain in the azz to always have to drive and pick your GF up. And then if the two of you go anywhere, which you obviously are, it's again up to him to drive the two of you around. Always. Gas is not cheap these days either.

[No_Go]

Haha, this one is magnitudes better than my exes

 

Yeah, we may need to rebalance a little, mainly to prevent eventual frictions in the future, especially that we're talking for the long run.

 

Why are you dating another tight fisted guy? lol

 

It's important early in a relationship to set your expectations. If you keep paying, they are going to keep expecting it and that's difficult to reverse. The suggestions posted are great, and it's not too late to "shift" things more evenly.

[smackie9]

My husband and I have been splitting the bill, and the bills for 25 years.....it works well, no fights about money.

[No_Go]

I thought I made it clear I'm not concerned for the exact amounts but for the overall attitude - happily let me pay for most of the expensive dates.

 

After my past experience with true moochers, I'm indeed nit-picking for red flags, because I do not want to be in the same situation again.

 

He is very tight-fisted in general and even he admits it. E.g. when we went to his family home, he readily accepted his father to pay for everything... This attitude goes on my nerves ... to the extend I'm trying to figure out is it a matter of incompatibility between us, or I should get used to it and focus on his positive sides.

 

This sounds to me like you are really nit picking. You have a guy that has to pick you up whenever he wants to see you, keeps food at his place for you to eat, (which I presume he cooks for you) and he pays for some of the dates that you guys go on. I would say that this situation is either equal, or he is contributing more than you are. If I were him, and you suggested that I start contributing more, I would just break it off with you.

[Redhead14]

Me and my bf are at the 3 months mark now. I usually stay in his place Friday to Sunday, and we see each other every other weekday. Currently he is taking care of the home meals and rides (I don't have a car and have roommates so I can't invite him over). However I pay for ~3/4 of dates out.

 

This has been looking sort of fair to me so far, but I start to feel like I'm contributing more financially than him. I am wondering is it time to discuss finances more formally. I don't know how to phrase it though without sounding weird. Shall I ask for common budget for dates and groceries - is that something acceptable early in the relationship?

 

This is moving way too fast. At the three month mark, there shouldn't be all this going on or co-mingling of finances. However, it seems fairly well balanced. He's buying groceries and giving of his time (a person's time is valuable also) and vehicle to get you around. If it's financially becoming difficult for you to pay for dates outside the home, then curtail that or do things that cost less. You're feeling this way because you are "experiencing" and see more of a cash outlay. The rides and buying of groceries feels less tangible to you because you don't see it directly. Groceries, gasoline and car insurance are expensive.

[smackie9]

I thought I made it clear I'm not concerned for the exact amounts but for the overall attitude - happily let me pay for most of the expensive dates.

 

After my past experience with true moochers, I'm indeed nit-picking for red flags, because I do not want to be in the same situation again.

 

He is very tight-fisted in general and even he admits it. E.g. when we went to his family home, he readily accepted his father to pay for everything... This attitude goes on my nerves ... to the extend I'm trying to figure out is it a matter of incompatibility between us, or I should get used to it and focus on his positive sides.

 

 

Yes this would be a matter of incompatibility. His tight-fistedness is part of his personality. If it grates on your nerves now, just think how it will affect you when you have been married for a couple of years when your finances are as one/joint accounts, sharing expenses. Being compatible with money and how it is spent, etc is so crucial.

 

This is why we "date" before we choose who to marry. Ya got to kick a lot of tires and take test drives, before you sign on the dotted line.

[No_Go]

Yeah, we moved a bit too fast in general, and that's part of the problem. Now we're slowing down from 5-6 dates/week to 3-4 dates/week, which is healthy I think but feels awkward.

 

Also talking about time, relaying on him for venue & transport also took its toll on me. I start getting anxious that I'm neglecting my out household, and also I'm not confident in initiating dates, which require long drives because I know the burden will be on him...

 

This is moving way too fast. At the three month mark, there shouldn't be all this going on or co-mingling of finances. However, it seems fairly well balanced. He's buying groceries and giving of his time (a person's time is valuable also) and vehicle to get you around. If it's financially becoming difficult for you to pay for dates outside the home, then curtail that or do things that cost less. You're feeling this way because you are "experiencing" and see more of a cash outlay. The rides and buying of groceries feels less tangible to you because you don't see it directly. Groceries, gasoline and car insurance are expensive.

[No_Go]

I agree, but I though in long term these are traits that you get used to. If we step forward to cohabitation or marriage in the future, I'd have long, detailed talk in advance to avoid frictions. The nature of the dating stage makes it weird topic for discussion.

 

Yes this would be a matter of incompatibility. His tight-fistedness is part of his personality. If it grates on your nerves now, just think how it will affect you when you have been married for a couple of years when your finances are as one/joint accounts, sharing expenses. Being compatible with money and how it is spent, etc is so crucial.

 

This is why we "date" before we choose who to marry. Ya got to kick a lot of tires and take test drives, before you sign on the dotted line.

[Redhead14]

Yeah, we moved a bit too fast in general, and that's part of the problem. Now we're slowing down from 5-6 dates/week to 3-4 dates/week, which is healthy I think but feels awkward.

 

Also talking about time, relaying on him for venue & transport also took its toll on me. I start getting anxious that I'm neglecting my out household, and also I'm not confident in initiating dates, which require long drives because I know the burden will be on him...

 

Now you've got the right perspective here. This thread is not about money. It's about your anxiety over the circumstances and situation and your role. Now you can work on the real problem

[losangelena]

Also talking about time, relaying on him for venue & transport also took its toll on me. I start getting anxious that I'm neglecting my out household, and also I'm not confident in initiating dates, which require long drives because I know the burden will be on him...

 

OP, your situation sounds very similar to mine.

 

I too live about a 40 minute drive away from my BF. I don't have a car, either. Because of an awkward roommate situation, we spend all of our together time at his place. I managed to cut down on the time it took him to have to drive to get me by taking the train about half-way to his place (that's as far as it goes; L.A. doesn't have great public transit). Still, I felt so guilty at first that all the driving and the together time was on him, essentially. So I too compensated by paying more often and feeling like I should just generally do more of the "work" in the relationship because it was so lopsided.

 

I felt so insecure about it, I even told my BF that I was afraid he was going to get tired of having to exert so much effort to see me and break up with me. He assured me that that's not at all the case. Even when I initially told him that I didn't have a car, he said, well, it's worth the effort for the right girl.

 

Anyway, my point is, I totally understand how you're feeling. However, I think addressing that issue directly is probably better in the long run than trying to compensate financially, especially if you're starting to resent it. You shouldn't be giving more just out of anxiety. It should come freely. It took me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that my BF was readily willing to sacrifice and make the effort on those fronts—for me—that my company and our relationship is worth the extra effort to him. As someone who's spent the better part of her life apologizing for herself, it was very difficult to get comfortable with the fact that someone accepts me and my situation, and isn't bothered by it, nor are they expecting some kind of payment for it.

 

Now, granted, I do contribute when I can—I do buy groceries (and cook) fairly often (even though I do too feel a little resentment from time to time—I think that's normal and not completely avoidable), and will occasionally offer to buy a tank of gas, or if he lets me use his car, I'll go get it washed, those kinds of things.

 

But, I bet your BF doesn't mind the driving and all the rest. I don't think he'd continue to do it if it wasn't worth it—if you weren't worth it—to him.

Edited June 12, 2015 by losangelena

[alphamale]

Shall I ask for common budget for dates and groceries - is that something acceptable early in the relationship?

are you two getting married now? if so then by all means talk money

[No_Go]

You're very right. I need to break down the real problem (relationship roles) for myself and find a way to communicate it.

 

Now you've got the right perspective here. This thread is not about money. It's about your anxiety over the circumstances and situation and your role. Now you can work on the real problem

[No_Go]

We are still early on in dating. However, we are both interested in marriage and family as relationship goals (not now, not necessarily with each other).

 

are you two getting married now? if so then by all means talk money

[No_Go]

Yeah, your situation is remarkably similar to mine. Thanks for the insights!

 

I am a bad communicator, but I'm working on it, even started therapy to work on my own issues.

 

Also something that I consider is getting my own place close to his (so less driving and no more awkward roommates), but I need to wait a few months for this due to my personal circumstances.

 

OP, your situation sounds very similar to mine.

 

I too live about a 40 minute drive away from my BF. I don't have a car, either. Because of an awkward roommate situation, we spend all of our together time at his place. I managed to cut down on the time it took him to have to drive to get me by taking the train about half-way to his place (that's as far as it goes; L.A. doesn't have great public transit). Still, I felt so guilty at first that all the driving and the together time was on him, essentially. So I too compensated by paying more often and feeling like I should just generally do more of the "work" in the relationship because it was so lopsided.

 

I felt so insecure about it, I even told my BF that I was afraid he was going to get tired of having to exert so much effort to see me and break up with me. He assured me that that's not at all the case. Even when I initially told him that I didn't have a car, he said, well, it's worth the effort for the right girl.

 

Anyway, my point is, I totally understand how you're feeling. However, I think addressing that issue directly is probably better in the long run than trying to compensate financially, especially if you're starting to resent it. You shouldn't be giving more just out of anxiety. It should come freely. It took me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that my BF was readily willing to sacrifice and make the effort on those fronts—for me—that my company and our relationship is worth the extra effort to him. As someone who's spent the better part of her life apologizing for herself, it was very difficult to get comfortable with the fact that someone accepts me and my situation, and isn't bothered by it, nor are they expecting some kind of payment for it.

 

Now, granted, I do contribute when I can—I do buy groceries (and cook) fairly often (even though I do too feel a little resentment from time to time—I think that's normal and not completely avoidable), and will occasionally offer to buy a tank of gas, or if he lets me use his car, I'll go get it washed, those kinds of things.

 

But, I bet your BF doesn't mind the driving and all the rest. I don't think he'd continue to do it if it wasn't worth it—if you weren't worth it—to him.

[SunnySide0418]

How far of a drive are you from him?

[No_Go]

Not far at all, I can bike it.

 

How far of a drive are you from him?

 

The matter of fact is that I'm already having second thoughts do I want to continue with him. The paying for dates made me resentful to an extent, the spending all the time in his place made me neglect my household...

 

And even worst, when he has asked is there a problem, I couldn't communicate it... I just don't feel comfortable enough around him to lead a serious conversation (which we need to continue together). So I'll try to man up and talk to him, if we can't talk...it will be a sign to break it.

[No_Go]

Since I started this thread, we balanced out the finances in our relationship: he is now paying for about every other date, and I'm contributing for groceries&gas more.

 

However, I'm still not 100% ok with the financial situation. He initiates a lot of trips, visits to places, restaurants etc. I'm not a big initiator, if left up to me, we'll be out way less. I offer to pay roughly half of the times we go out, and evaluating my spending, it is significant.

 

How to address this situation? Ask him to go out less often? Or leave him pay for most if he insists going out? Or get more active in initiating and reduce the costs that way? I feel silly to bring this up again, but somehow I'm really bad in talking money (and still we're not in a stage to make a defined budget I think).

[nadine5]

I had a boyfriend like this... he wiped out half of my savings in 8 months without me even realizing it. (I'm not great with finances...but come on). Tell him your concerns and do it now.

 

And yes, he used to want to do ALL kinds of fun stuff... go to the bar, go shopping, go to the movies... he was terrible with his money, sounds like your guy is too. Don't let him drag you down with him please.