Most strange situation of my entire life... could it really be a joke?

[thatoneguy555]

So I've been friends with someone for about a year and a half now, and to say that our friendship is complicated is an understatement. We're two guys. I'm bisexual (only out to a few people), and I don't know what he is honestly.

 

For a good 6 or so months, I was constantly struggling to figure out if he liked me or not. He'd constantly touch me, tease me or compliment me, and say/do many suggestive things. To keep it short, I'll list a few examples:

 

He's grabbed my hand and kissed it multiple times, he's given me a forehead kiss and said goodnight, he's held my hand in a sneaky manner numerous times, said/asked things such as "why do we have so much sexual tension?" "if I was gay and in the closet and I came out to you, how would you react?" "if I could watch one person getting head, it'd be you" "if you could make out with one guy in this group, who would it be?" "sometimes, I just want to love you" "I wish I could just be in your arms forever" "Why do you have a crush on me?" "if you don't eat this I'm going to have sex with you... okay that was weird" etc. etc.

 

He'd constantly say "I love you" to me, we'd constantly hug (and I mean constantly, for both the hugging and the "I love you"'s) and sometimes for over a minute, we'd stare and follow each other around, etc.

 

He'd want me to come with him absolutely everywhere, including one-person bathrooms, and if I ever ignored him he'd get depressed and would have all of his attention on me. He'd do things like look at me from across a room, blow a kiss at me, I'd blow one back, and he'd grab it and rub it on his face.

 

And we'd also CONSTANTLY get comments from people. Practically every time we'd hug or stare or talk, we'd get comments such as "are you guys gay?" "wtf?" "what the hell was that?" "okay... I'll leave you guys alone in your love fest" "okay, seriously... SERIOUSLY ARE YOU GUYS GAY?" etc. etc.

I tried to hint things for a bit, I sent a text saying "I love you I don't care if this is gay" once and I didn't get a text back, and I also asked him about why he said we have sexual tension, and the first time he asked, he just said "don't change the subject, don't change the subject." The second time I asked, he said "IT WAS A JOKE!"

 

And there's been times where we'd just be sitting across from each other and he'd say things like "do people think we're gay? Probably..." and he'd avoid eye contact with me. And one time he was forcing me to hold his hand and a friend came in the room and he let go and he randomly asked me about a girl. Stuff like that makes me suspicious.

 

So one day I decided I couldn't take it anymore, because he'd flirt with me so much and yet still act interested in girls, so I came out to him, and he said everything was a joke and that he only thinks of me as a friend.

Then, as months went by, he said things like "it was all a joke," "I had no idea," etc.

 

And a few months ago, he said "when I was flirty with you," referring to our friendship. A month or so later he clarified that he meant "unintentional flirtiness."

 

This doesn't make sense to me, because every time we see each other, one of us will stare at the other from across the room, the other will catch the stare and look back, we'll do a serious stare or smile at each other, then look away, then look back, etc. We do this all the damn time. We stare at each other a hell of a lot.

 

We'll constantly do this, we'll constantly tease each other, and we constantly pay attention to each other or crave the other's attention. If I'm doing something else at a hangout, he'll randomly say my name, or look at me and say something, pretty much anything to get my attention.

When we tease each other, we make fun of each others' hair, or facial imperfections, our voices, our faces, our hobbies, things that we like, etc. etc.

 

And for example, the other day, we were at a restaurant and he chose to sit across from me, and when I was concentrating on my menu, he said something to me, I didn't respond, he kept saying my name, I quickly responded to him, then a minute or so later he started hitting my menu, then took the straw away from my drink while I was drinking it.

When I was in a store with him and a few other friends the other day, I noticed wherever I was walking he'd follow, and also make stupid comments just to get my attention.

 

Sometimes if I'm staring at something in his direction, I could tell that he looks at me to see if I'm staring, look away, then look back again (maybe to get my attention), then look away again.

 

He's also made strange comments recently, such as "hey did you know that everyone is attracted to you?.... in a physics sense, not a liking sense" (goofy smile)

 

Also, I can't confirm this but I'm about 99% sure he's seen me have boners around him. I remember once about a month ago I got out of his car with a boner and I'm almost 100% positive that I saw him look at me from top to bottom, but made a stop at my crotch.

 

And I've talked to his ex along with a girl he's hooked up with, and they both claim that he's acted in the same way with me as he has with them, except even more intense (minus the hooking up).

 

And my friend, who I also came out to, talked to him about it a few months ago and he also told her "it was all a joke it meant nothing" and she believed him, but last week she told me "I notice you guys are flirty and linger around each other, you kind of don't leave each other alone" and "I don't know what's on his mind but he can't just say it's friendly or no nothing's happening" which in my mind says a lot.

 

I don't get it. Could it just have all been a joke? Could this still be just a joke and he's just still unaware that it's very flirty? Is all of these signs of attraction really just in my head? How can I get to him, make him comfortable, and progress? Do I just not think about it and continue flirting?

[PogoStick]

Why aren't you willing to listen to him? He said he's not interested in you, so why torture yourself with trying to fit a round peg into a tight round hole?

[thatoneguy555]

Why aren't you willing to listen to him? He said he's not interested in you, so why torture yourself with trying to fit a round peg into a tight round hole?

 

Because he still flirts with me and other people notice?

[Vercetti]

Just cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there. Some guys can tease go figure. Yet, I admit; I find that level of flirting from a STRAIGHT? man that wasn't aware of your preferences extremely odd. So I'm of little help cause the situation is confusing as hell. Can only deal with the reality of currently he is not making good on his former advancements. Odd duck this guy is.

[pteromom]

You know, it is possible he really is curious, or in the closet. But for whatever reason, he doesn't want to go there.

 

Even if this wasn't a same-sex scenario, his lack of "going there" doesn't necessarily have anything to do with his feelings. There are many reasons people don't "go there".

 

But the same-sex thing adds another layer onto it. He may be struggling with his sexuality, or afraid of the ramifications of coming out, or worried about what others think, etc.

 

We could keep speculating about how he feels, but really, only he knows. You need know only one thing - he has let you know he isn't going there with you. So you have to let that go, and just be his friend. If the flirting tortures you, just let him know that and ask him to dial it back.

[thatoneguy555]

I would very much respect that. In fact, two weeks after coming out to him, I said no more flirting pretty much, and that kind of went to hell. He still constantly hugs and says "I love you" when he's drunk, but even sober, we constantly stare, we constantly tease, and like my friend said, we always "linger around each other" and "never leave each other alone."

 

Had it been platonic immediately afterwards I would've gotten the point. But even now I know he loves my attention and craves it when I'm not giving it to him.

[loverboy69]

I feel your brother. Some straight guys go overboard on "acting gay," to the point where even straight people question their intentions. My brother in-laws are the worst offenders at any family outing but they only do it to get laughs. It doesn't bother me as a gay man because we're family and because they are also extremely protective of me.

 

Regardless of whether he's gay or not he told you he was "just joking," which means nothing's going to happen between the two of you (at least not right now). You have to respect this even if he is a closet case.

 

There is a possibility he is still in the closet. When I was still hiding my true identity I had a friend confess his feelings for me and he asked me if I loved him because he said he sensed our mutual attraction? Instead of telling him the truth I told him that I "loved him as a brother," partly because I was scared and also because he asked me in front of everyone putting me on the spot.

 

To me he sounds like a goofball. Goofball's come in all kinds of sizes and shapes. I know you have feelings for the dude. Step back a bit for now. Never force the issue on any man who tells you he's straight. It'll never work out well.

[neowulf]

I would very much respect that. In fact, two weeks after coming out to him, I said no more flirting pretty much, and that kind of went to hell. He still constantly hugs and says "I love you" when he's drunk, but even sober, we constantly stare, we constantly tease, and like my friend said, we always "linger around each other" and "never leave each other alone."

 

Had it been platonic immediately afterwards I would've gotten the point. But even now I know he loves my attention and craves it when I'm not giving it to him.

 

Regardless of his intensions, he's playing games with you.

 

It's obvious from your post that you care quite a lot about where you stand with this guy. It sounds like he's overstepping your boundaries all over the place.

 

The answer is to just push back harder. Next time he flirts, shut him down hard. If that doesn't give him the hint? Disengage from him. Stop spending time with with. Stop hanging out.

 

We're not mind readers and neither are you. Don't try and guess what he's thinking. Judge him on his behaviour. He's disrespecting your boundaries. Do something about it.