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LS..Guys and Girls..help with the "Comfort Zone":


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So ok....I've read a couple of guy responses to a couple of questions here on LS and well now I have questions.

 

Most of the guys like the chase and catch, they like when you are "hard to get", they like the fact that they don't have you in the palm of your hand. They leave you and as soon as you say F@ck off they come running faster than a kid chasing an ice cream truck...

 

At the beginning of my relationship I was "hard to get". I had my job, my friends, and I had everything perfect the only thing I was missing was him. He loved the fact that I didn't "need" him and that I made my own plans and didn't always pick up or didn't always call checking on him. But now as we have become more serious..little by little my world is revolving around him and so I have lost some of that "hard to get" about me.

So as I know think I am in the "comfort zone" with him and hes acting a little funny. I feel as if we are treading on the "friend zone" and or he's just so comfortable around me and we are so used to each other that he just thinks I will always be there and always love him and so we are at the "comfort zone"

 

My question is ( and I hate playing games but I've noticed sometimes you have to play a little) how can I keep that hard to get illusion after 8 months of being together without him thinking I'm acting funny or without him getting doubts about me cheating on him or something? Do you understand? I dunno if I make sense? :confused::laugh:

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Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

My question is ( and I hate playing games but I've noticed sometimes you have to play a little) how can I keep that hard to get illusion after 8 months of being together without him thinking I'm acting funny or without him getting doubts about me cheating on him or something? Do you understand? I dunno if I make sense? :confused::laugh:

 

 

time to shake things up a bit. you must play games to get ahead in life and in relationships and everything else.

 

after the holidays tell him you need some "space" for a month or two. during this period of "space" you only talk to him maybe once a week on the phone.

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hugznkisses21

I am working on this too….when he calls I don’t always drop what im doing or if im out answer….he is always so like what were u doing?...a little mystery is good …keeps things alive. I am now saying I should get back to work or go do this and leave the phone convo when I always used to wait for him. I do see myself revolving more around my bf too….and the confort level is absolutely there…sometimes I feel like we have been married for 20 years….we will eat dinner and ly on separate couches and veg all night….absolutly nothing worng with that. And in the beginning it is usually the women who fear this in thinking her relationship is in shambles………..like me! But in fact the passion, love and stuff should still be there but the relationship naturally moves in and out. READ man are from mars women are from venus it explains everything about a man behaviour and stuff…..i should take my own advice but im stubborn. But anyways what im saying is when u are together for a while u will see things levelling off but the passion for eachother still be there…..it may not be there when u want it all the time or when he wants it but its there…just not every second of the day. The way my bf put it was….i love you and I know u know that…..he says because I don’t grab your bum or make out with u every second of the day doesn’t change that….people have good days and bad, affectionate days and loner days….relationships move in what they call a waves…up and down in and out…..if they were perfect all the time you would wonder.

 

My advice to you is write him. Tell him how u feel….like I tell me bf is im not a mind reader so If I do something wrong or something that bothers u tell me cause if u don’t I will never know it does. Same goes with him. Maybe he didn’t know that’s how it looked to you (guys sometimes just don’t get it) and if u tell him he may be like oh crao sorry I was having a terrible weekend and such. I hope im helping

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EC.. All relationships get into a "comfort zone" it's just the progression of things.. when you've got a problem is when you start to take the relationship and the person for granted.

 

Taking someone for granted is far different from being comfortable with them.. it's when people begin to expect rather than appreciate.. when people don't consider how what they do or say will effect thier mate because they assume that other person will be there regardless. When you stop trying to be attractive or fun because you again think "why bother, I've already got this person"

 

Being comfortable with your partner doesn't need to be a bad thing.. it is knowing that other person has your back, that they understand you and love you sometimes in spite of yourself..

 

EC.. I wish you would talk to your Man.. from what you've said he really cares for you, and I know you're crazy about him.. keep in mind you're STILL the amazing person he met 8 months ago sister.. have some faith in the relationship.. be okay with it being a comfort to you.. and thankful when you're able to recognize when it needs some extra nurturing so it doesn't get taken for granted.

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hugznkisses21

feel grateful that he can be himself...even if that is blah instead of putting on a front. it happens. So he comfortable with you...wow that sounds like an awsome thing doesnt it?

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time to shake things up a bit. you must play games to get ahead in life and in relationships and everything else.

 

after the holidays tell him you need some "space" for a month or two. during this period of "space" you only talk to him maybe once a week on the phone.

 

Alphamale - do you honestly think you would respond well to this? If you were him in this situation and your girlfriend of eight months suddenly said she needed space for a few months and completely shut you out do you think you'd go after her again? The way you respond to things, I'd see you giving her a big "F-You" and finding someone else.

 

Life isn't a romance novel. There's nothing wrong with the comfort zone. Many people look for the comfort zone, but then this is yet another created issue.

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Pocky if my issues bug you so much then why do you read my posts and why do you respond???

 

It's not a created issue..it's something that is bothering me...and no one is perfect..I'm not doing it for attention :rolleyes: thats just how I am..I worry and I have issues. But I come on here to deal with them not be told that I am creating issues....I'm not many people...I don't like the comfort zone..I'm not used to it...maybe its because of something in my past or some unknown reason as to why but instead of helping me your telling me I create issues..

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Pocky if my issues bug you so much then why do you read my posts and why do you respond???

 

Because sometimes you do have something valid to say. And I responded because in my opinion Alphamale just gave you bad advice. While I do find it slightly redundant that every week you have another problem in your relationship, I don't want you do to something so drastic that will cause your relationship to suffer or possibly end.

 

My advice to "help" you. Stop worrying so much. Talk to your boyfriend and explain how you're feeling instead of getting advice from people want you to play games.

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Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

My question is ( and I hate playing games but I've noticed sometimes you have to play a little) how can I keep that hard to get illusion after 8 months of being together without him thinking I'm acting funny or without him getting doubts about me cheating on him or something? Do you understand? I dunno if I make sense? :confused::laugh:

 

I think so.

 

Do you feel like your relationship has become a love relationship? I realize that I may be "jumping the gun," so to speak. A lot depends on what sort of relationship you have right now.

 

As a couple grows into a love relationship, they become VERY comfortable with each other. That's one of the ways that you know that it's love. Unfortunately, that comfort sometimes evolves into being inconsiderate, or taking the other for granted.

 

Pam Tillis had a song on the country charts about 10 years ago called "Shake The Sugar Tree," where she dreams of the way things used to be. She sings about how "You gotta tend to what you planted, & if you take my love for granted, I'll Shake The Sugar Tree," saying how she must "Shake you up, just to wake you up & make you love me."

 

Keeping my wife from feeling this way is not difficult, but it does require some attention. I never allow a day to pass without saying “I love you” several times, & she loves when I bring her red roses. There are many other things too, of course but you get the idea.

 

Personally, I don’t care much for games. The problem with games is that they tend to create confusion, insecurity, mistaken impressions, & often resentment. If someone has something on her mind, I much prefer an open & honest discussion. Once you have enough of an understanding of these feelings, I believe the best approach is to tell him. If you need to write it out, & revise it several times, that’s fine too. Whatever works best for you.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Fight Crime! Shoot Back!

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I would not advice you to play games like that, it's childish!!!! This is coming from someone who is only 21 years old but obviously that's not a factor to realize that playing games is stupid. Talk to him instead.

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What in our culture has led to the very high level of gamesmanship that goes on now? What happened?

And when did people start being constantly "on the lookout" for something or someone "better" than what they've already committed to?

I find these trends disturbing.

The "comfort zone", as was so well put in Scott's post, is a great and good place to arrive at. Yes, if things are getting a little sedate, couples can always spark things up again. But to address it with games of any sort isn't healthy.

 

:cool:

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Originally posted by hugznkisses21

feel grateful that he can be himself...even if that is blah instead of putting on a front. it happens. So he comfortable with you...wow that sounds like an awsome thing doesnt it?

 

I wasn't saying EC should be grateful that her BF feels comfortable to be a sh*thead and I hope she didn't take it that way.

 

What I was saying is it's one thing to feel comfort with someone and quite another to take them for granted. Nobody should take their partner for granted EVER.. but it does happen. EC recognizes there is something going on and I am saying thankfully she can see there is an issue so it CAN be resolved.

 

To say that one should be "grateful" for a crappy relationship is ridiculous. I don't believe from what EC has said about her BF that he is a crappy person or even that this is a crappy relationship.. it is only MY OPINION that he may be in the taking her for granted stage which doesn't mean he can't change things to make things better for both of them.. but he can't know there is a problem if he isn't made aware of it.

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Originally posted by naive_2001

playing games is stupid. Talk to him instead.

 

 

...talk is cheap and actions speak much louder than words. TALK TALK TALK that is the only advice I hear people giving out here on LS.

 

TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK yourselves to death. TALK TALK TALK

 

how about putting yer money where your mouth is once in a while?!

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hugznkisses21

I definately dont think she should tolerate him treating her like crap....to me it sounds as if he was acting distant....she should talk to him about it....but im saying people get in their moods and he will whether his dating her or married to her...she will never know what it is all about if she doesnt talk

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i agree with pocky that alphamales advice would cause you huge problems.

 

the comfort zone thing - what is it you dont want? do you want it to be sparks flying all the time or are you scared of losing him if he feels the sparks are gone?

 

if YOU want it to be crazy, so crazy in love all the time, it wont work long term - its not realistic and 'romance' can be the worst enemy of relationships if the expectation is there that its going to be like the first few months / years forever.

 

i suspect its more him you are worried about losing if things dont stay like that - He might want things to be good but comfortable - he will most likely realise there's more to love than fireworks. The best thing you can do is remain confident, have your own life, dont depend on him, dont let him overrun your life - dont become cold/distant/unavailable - thats not what he will see as ideal -it might cause him to be panicked into 'loving' you more as an immediate consequence but its false & fake because the long term effect could be for him to resent your mood changes and not know where he stands. Dont make someone stay with you for fear.

 

I do understand where you are coming from, i am 12 months into a relationship and i wondered about the games too, its confusing but take the advice from us and you will be right. (excluding alphamales - sorry AM, just dont agree)

 

BB

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So as I know think I am in the "comfort zone" with him and hes acting a little funny.

 

oops just spotted that

 

its doubtful hes acting funny just because you arent as hard to get. you need to find out why hes acting funny. if you dont and just react by doing his distant thing the problem will just get bigger with no way of resolving because you are both sat in different corners being distant.

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me n my b/f are in getting into that ''comfort zone'' but the passion is dying out... i mean i want to talk to him about this but i dont know how...i told him i love attention...especially from my man you know. when i use to go to his house he would pin me up against the wall and do things like that... it all stopped!! its like i gotta do everything and im hoping by me doing these things he'll get the hint and do them back...but nope!! not working...so id ont know anymore. he's moving out at the end of the month so hopefully things will change...i honestly think things will get better once he moves back home...

 

but anyways...sorry off topic guys! if you want to do the hard to get scenario...just when he calls tell him ur busy and call him back in a couple minutes or dont answer the phone the first time he calls...also when he calls you to hang out...even tho you really want to, tell him a friend is picking you up and ur goin to the mall or out somehwere and you'll call him when you get home... meanwhile your home watching tv pretending your out!! haha i do that..but it works in a way.. u just gotta make him think ur out doing things you know...but i guess tahts that.....u cant really do much besides saying ur busy...hope that kinda helps....i hope my man becomes more affectionate...he doesnt set aside time to chill with me...i work 2 jobs and when im free im the one callin ghim to chill... its like im doing all the work here...it hink a few weeks after xmas someone might be getting dumped!!!

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Thanks guys and Male your still cool! :)

 

He just called a min ago and we are having lunch at a quiet little place called Caroles Kitchen ( the best soup yummy) and I will talk to him there.

 

So wish me luck he just called he's downstairs....

 

I'll have an update as soon as I return.

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Ok so we talked and I brought up my concerns.

 

He told me that he didn't mean to be distant and that he has just had a lot on his mind and that I was so busy with all of my stuff he didn't want to attack me with all of his baggage.

 

But I told him his baggage is my baggage.

 

So I was right we have both been a little spaced out and distant. OK

 

I also brought up the other city and his ex...he was really annoyed at this and became kind of angry. He told me that they have nothing. That he hasn't even talked to her recently and that he is staying in the other city when he drives down because it's easier than doing the whole drive straight. OK

 

Then we discussed the comfort zone and he didn't see it as a problem. He was shocked! He said he loves this and that he has never had the chance to be so open and comfortable with anyone before and that its a good thing. He said that he does love me and its hard to show because of the distance and that even though he might not tell me everyday and that just because he doesn't kiss me all the time blah blah blah that he does love me and not to forget it.

He said we just have a lot of things going on in our lives right now and that once things get settled everything will be back to normal. I told him with our distance and all that I need to feel affection when he comes down to see me. I need to feel wanted and appreciated and he apologized again and he was happy I brought it up because he had no idea and thought everything was fine..lol

 

He's glad I opened up to him..and he said that I have nothing to be afraid of and to stop worrying. lol he also called me a worry wart. and I called him a fat A$$ I love our pet names and we kissed and everything is ok.

 

Thanks again guys. I know I know your rolling your eyes saying when am I going to learn to stop worrying but Im trying man!!! :p

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Worry Wart and Fat A**... :love: Isn't love the best!? :lmao:

 

You know whats funny EC.. When I was with my EXH we always called each other names like that.. but in fun you know? We both just have that kind of sense of humor.. and STILL even though we are not together.. when he calls me or I call him the first word is never hello on the phone.. it's "Whats up Jackass?" OMG :lmao: it's still meant in an affectionate way.. (well most of the time anyway ha!)

 

Anyway.. I'm glad you talked to him and are feeling better;)

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Merin..lol Jackass....

 

We do mean it with love though and my heart melts when he says it and if he were to use "my love or sweetheart" I think I would barf..lol

 

I do use babycakes some times around his friends.

 

It's like a game. whenever I meet a new friend of his I have a new "sweet" nickname for him so he never knows what I will pop out with. And then Ill look at him a lovey dovey in front of his guy macho friends and say it and they all look at him like 'are you serious?' and he plays along. Its funny. We have so much fun together.

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Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

Merin..lol Jackass....

 

We do mean it with love though and my heart melts when he says it and if he were to use "my love or sweetheart" I think I would barf..lol

 

I do use babycakes some times around his friends.

 

It's like a game. whenever I meet a new friend of his I have a new "sweet" nickname for him so he never knows what I will pop out with. And then Ill look at him a lovey dovey in front of his guy macho friends and say it and they all look at him like 'are you serious?' and he plays along. Its funny. We have so much fun together.

 

LOL! I'm happy I'm not the only one who has ever done this!

 

Having fun together.. what is better than that?!

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Originally posted by Merin

LOL! I'm happy I'm not the only one who has ever done this!

 

My favorite is "sweet-cheeks."

 

Gina sometimes calls me Sweet-Ums. Isn't that a huge shaggy Muppet character though?

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Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

Ok so we talked and I brought up my concerns.

 

He told me that he didn't mean to be distant and that he has just had a lot on his mind and that I was so busy with all of my stuff he didn't want to attack me with all of his baggage.

 

But I told him his baggage is my baggage.

 

So I was right we have both been a little spaced out and distant. OK

 

I'm glad you talked it out. How many relationships could avoid the rocks if we all could just be above-board with each other?

 

Don't you feel great having all of that off your chest? You can be assured that he does! :D

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