Ex-wife has a key to his place

[palmbreeze]

I've been dating this guy for about 2.5 years now. We've broken up twice (ugh don't ask). He has no kids with his ex-wife, was married for about 15 years. He said he felt like he had to still take care of her (that was a year or so ago), they do things for each other (watch my dog, let the repairman in, borrow my car, etc) and she has a key to his house. Things just felt like a little much and her having a key to his house felt a bit overboard. I'm sure he would be irate if my ex-husband had a key to my house.

 

When we got back together this last time he let me know he would get the key back. Ok....months later he puts his house on the market to move closer to me to take a baby step in our relationship. Ok, the key won't be an issue anymore. Well, it is too much work to have his house for sale so he took it off the market. His first priority is to get his key back he says. Ok, a couple weeks later he decided to change his locks instead and tell her since he had potential buyers in his house he changed the locks. So, he spent money to to change his locks to spare her feelings and his embarrassment to ask for the key. Great, she doesn't have a key at the present time....but why are her feelings so important. At this point it is about principle that this woman's feelings are more important than mine.

 

Am I being ridiculous? I mean I get they still have a friendship, that's fine. Having a key to someone's place is kind of...ya know...over the line in my book.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Seems kinda odd to me. Is the dog theirs & they share custody of it? What's the deal with the car thing? What is their friendship like? Is she with someone?

[palmbreeze]

No shared custody of the dogs. She was dating someone for a brief moment, but he has decided not to talk about her anymore. They don't seem to talk as much anymore....or at least I don't think they do but who knows. It was....

 

- I'll let your dogs out.

- Help her with a garage sale

- Stopped to see her new place

- Let her get her mail at his house

- A repairman is coming over so she stayed the day at the house until the repairman was finished.

- She let him borrow her car....and he took me on a date in it.

- She borrows things from him

- Oh yeah and she had a key to his house

- Had dinner together when we first starting dating

- Dropped off some junk mail to her that belonged to her adult daughter who hasn't lived at that house in years

 

And who knows what else. Again, he hasn't said much on the ex front recently....though he asks about mine about twice a week. I just don't understand why it is so hard to say, "hey I'm dating someone seriously now and I don't think it's a good idea for you to have a key to my place anymore".

[Arieswoman]

I'm sorry to be blunt, Palmbreeze, but you need a reality check.

 

Please ask yourself why you have spent 2.5 years dating a man who is still involved with his ex-wife?

 

You nailed it here ;-

 

At this point it is about principle that this woman's feelings are more important than mine.

 

and it doesn't look like this is going to change anytime soon.

 

Please dump this guy and go find someone who is really into you and you only.

 

Good luck.x

[Peachland]

My gut reaction is this doesn't feel right. Sorry. I would be pissed.

[SLee]

My friend has been dating a guy for like 2 years who has a really bizarre relationship with his ex. She doesn't have a key to his house, but he has helped her with bills, done her housework, done numerous other weird favors for her. He also hasn't told his ex that he's dating my friend because he's worried his ex will be mad for dumb reasons. Basically, his ex's feelings are trumping my friend's-the woman he is involved with.

 

My friend has been trying to be understanding and trusting, but it's driven her completely crazy. I'll tell you the same thing I told her: It's going to keep bothering you until he puts YOUR feelings first.

 

You said it yourself, if your ex had a key to your house he would be bothered by it. That's telling there. He's not considering your feelings at all.

 

If he wants to keep this weird limbo relationship with his ex up, fine. But let him do it alone. Or give him an ultimatum.

[MissBee]

Ahhh....

 

Sorry but none of this sounds great. From the on and off again nature to 2.5 years with a man who has to take care of his ex whom he has no children with, borrowing each other's cars, letting repairmen into each other's home, where she has the keys to his home and he'd rather spare her feelings than yours.....it's like they're still a couple just living apart.

 

I wouldn't ever be in this situation personally. I'm not a crazy jealous person by any means and esp if they had a child together I'd understand their ongoing relationship, but I'd expect my guy to have some boundaries with his ex and your guy's boundaries seem nonexistent or at least they aren't what I'd be comfortable with personally. You obviously aren't either...but you've gone along with it. Look...he already let you know he feels he still has to care for her, this to me is dysfunctional. If you divorced her, you have no kids, no need to take care of her. I mean he doesn't have to hate her or shun her entirely but I think esp if you've moved on to a new partner you can no longer "take care of" your ex's emotions, letting their repairman in, doing stuff for them that you did while together. It's totally disrespectful to your new partner and it's like you're still tied up to your ex and for no good reason since no kids are involved. Unless she is a recluse, disabled, with no family or friends why is it his job? It's up to you to decide if this is fine, but he has proven that in 2.5 years he is unwilling to downgrade his ex and she'll forever be in his life...that's something you will have to deal with or walk away from. As for me, I'd have walked ages ago as I'm not interested in anyone where their ex is still very significant to their life.

Edited May 30, 2015 by MissBee