Should I feel as if I am a kind of OM?

[Gilgamesh]

First things first, I ask you all patience on my scarce English, not my first language. About me:

 

New as a member, but an old LS reader and follower.

I am a man in my early 60's, divorced since long years ago and with a heavy load of hard experiences behind.

Each of them woud be enough reason to bring them to LS at their time.

Wright now, I am open to talk about my previous life not as the origin of my actual concerns, but only as a meaningfull context, if needed.

 

Since about 18 month ago, I am in a LTR with a lady of my generation.

I am moving to the city where she lives whithin few weeks.

But she feels not always and not exactly available, due to some serious health issues her ex suffers.

 

They are no more in a relationship since eight years ago.

Having previous long time behavioural disorders, her ex also developed a severe and uncommon kind of degenerative neurological disease.

She took care of him for years as the father of her child, living under the same roof but having her own room and some other independent facilities.

Few months ago she moved with one of her daughters, after various violent and even dangerous episodes, along with verbal abuse.

Their older son is now living with and caring of him.

 

She still feels guilty about.

So, the news of our relationship is known by only part of her family and relatives.

And there is the "need" of some kind of secrecy on which I agreed because of her feelings, but that makes me feel not happy about.

This and some other context makes me feel as something like an OM.

 

May I have your thoughts on this?

Edited May 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[minime13]

A few questions to understand the relationship better.

 

Is she still married, but separated from him? He's not her ex, technically, if that's the case. He's her husband.

 

When they separated, was it before he exhibited the symptoms of this neurological disorder, or has she detached herself because of it? Like - he's no longer really there or he's a different person now?

[Gilgamesh]

minime13, thanks for answering.

 

Yes, he is technically (legally, formally), her husband.

 

They separated 8 years ago, that is about about 4 years before to the first symptoms of his neurological disorder.

He had previous psychological disorders (verbal abuse, rage and violent behaviours, other ones) on her and their kids, which lead to break up.

Moreover, she moved back to his house (not to his bed) to take care him since he got ill. While none of his four daughters and sons felt he fully deserved this.

Till recently, those aggressive behaviours got dramatically increased.

The last episode includded menaces with a knife and a broken glass (both on her and theatrening suicide).

Their oldest son (curiously, the worst threated by him) moved to care of him and sent mom to live whith one of her daughters, where she is now.

 

Do this answer your questions?

Edited May 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[minime13]

It does, somewhat. It seems like she had moved back to take care of him more out of spousal obligation than out of love. Part of it seems like she has put up with this abuse for so many years that she is unable to escape it. In which, that does kind of make you the other man.

 

Maybe she also does it to try to keep her children from having to look after him? Has she fully explained why she feels it is her obligation to do this? I'd start there.

Edited May 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gilgamesh]

"Has she fully explained why she feels it is her obligation to do this?"

 

We've frecuently talked about.

I also have some clues from what her older daughter (friend of mine and the one she is now living with) and her sister have told me. It seems there is not a simple single answer to this.

 

Yes, she was trying to "keep her children from having to look after him" (BTW, adult ones).

This is mainly focused on the older son, the only one who would do it and doing it since recently.

Another daughter, a doctor, managed and coordinated his medical care.

But, as with all of them, reluctant to visit him the house, even for their mom's sake.

Older daughter and younger son keep emotionally away from his father and "vote" to put him in an institution.

 

As much as I know Susan, one of her main life drives is "taking care" of needed ones.

She have made this even the orientation of her professional passions (two related major degrees).

Seems she feels almost compelled to assist the ones who suffers (on which I admire her).

But that also make her have problems on some kind of boundaries, when those demmands are used as manipulation.

 

Let's also say she shows about him and alltogether , hate, pitty, some caring feelings...and guilt.

She can't get over the idea that the separation "caused" his later illness.

 

Back to me...

I also feel that, less than before but still now and for the sake of her, I have to behave almost "as if" being an OM.

Partial secrecy and (at least) keep us out of public exposure as a couple.

Even being open minded, I never thought I would need to behave like if in fault.

 

And, as long as we are planning to move together soon (a 800 miles move for me), her sometimes contradictory feeling, moods and changing views on our future make me somehow...worried.

 

I hope it make some sense.

Edited May 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No Limit]

You're not a OM; she's just trying to help her ex, but he'd very likely blow up once he knew about you which might also have an effect on his health. She's just trying to avoid drama and the situation from escalating even more.

[Gilgamesh]

"...she's just trying to help her ex, but he'd very likely blow up once he knew about you which might also have an effect on his health. She's just trying to avoid drama and the situation from escalating even more"

 

 

True.

And I understand her about.

I may add she is also afraid of some others ones judgemental interpretations that may affect her reputation.

Part of her family and a few friends know and approve our relationship.

But her previous life makes her to be sometimes extremely conflict avoidant.

Exception made...with me! LOL!

 

 

Even so, I must point on the also very lucid answer from Minime13.

"... Part of it seems like she has put up with this abuse for so many years that she is unable to escape it"

A bit like the so called "Copenhagen syndrome".

I hope that our life together may help her about, given enough time.

 

 

I went throug something similar to her experience, for decades but years ago.

So I can be more empathetic with her contradictory feelings.

 

 

No matter those reasonable thoughts, I sometimes feel like a "secret lover".

Which is out of my previous experiences and standards.

 

 

Thanks to all who ansered.

And thanks in advance to those that will.

Edited May 29, 2015 by Gilgamesh

[Gilgamesh]

"You're not a OM"

 

 

Nolimit, I hope you are also right on this.

[No Limit]

"You're not a OM"

 

 

Nolimit, I hope you are also right on this.

 

You write they weren't together for 8 years except her taking care of him. Are they married? Then maybe some people would stamp you to be a OM, but honestly, even if she was still married I don't think there's much of it left after 8 years apart.