Caught boyfriend talkin to other women. What do?

[jessham]

Boyfriend (32M) and I (28F) have been seeing eachother for three years. We broke up and got back together officially two months ago. The months leading up to that, we were trying to work things out before we made anything official.

 

I found out that while we were trying to work things out, he went on a date before valentines day with a girl he met on Tinder. I confronted him and he used the fact that we weren't official yet to back him up. I felt that although this was true, I figured we weren't going on dates since we were trying to reinstate our trust and relationship. I let it slide though due to technicality.

 

When we made it official, we swore monogamy and exclusivity. A serious relationship. I come to find that he's been talking to several different women and some of the conversations are dated from just a week ago and start with "Hey its [___] from [datingsite], how are you?" And actually planning dates and making reservations. Other women he's getting drunk and trying to send d*ck pics to.

 

I confronted him about this as well. His response was "I'm sorry. I never actually went through with the date. I was afraid that you weren't in this all the way, so I got scared and figured I didn't want to look like a chump if you ended up leaving me, so I figured I should have a back up plan."..."I was only joking around with that girl. Shes known me since I was 13years old and I was just messing around and trying to make her uncomfortable."

 

His messages to her were "We'd make beautiful babies... Its a shame you can't come over. We would've had a lot of fun."

 

I dumped him. He wanted to talk in person, so we did. He twisted the conversation into making it sound like we're not "ok" but we're going to be "ok". He just assumed we were fine. So today he says "I'm sorry it happened that way, but it's fully restored my confidence in us. I know now that you are in this 100%" to which I replied "No. My confidence is dead in this."

 

My issue is that I've pretty much lost my backbone. I know people have forgiven their SO's for this kind of stuff, but I feel like he's going to keep doing it if I'm going to keep accepting his excuses. Am I being too cold? Or am I right in thinking he's just going to do it again and just be sneakier about it this time?

[Gaeta]

 

His messages to her were "We'd make beautiful babies... Its a shame you can't come over. We would've had a lot of fun."

 

I dumped him. He wanted to talk in person, so we did. He twisted the conversation into making it sound like we're not "ok" but we're going to be "ok". He just assumed we were fine. So today he says "I'm sorry it happened that way, but it's fully restored my confidence in us. I know now that you are in this 100%" to which I replied "No. My confidence is dead in this."

 

My issue is that I've pretty much lost my backbone. I know people have forgiven their SO's for this kind of stuff, but I feel like he's going to keep doing it if I'm going to keep accepting his excuses. Am I being too cold? Or am I right in thinking he's just going to do it again and just be sneakier about it this time?

 

 

Are you serious?? Dump his sorry @ss ASAP !!

 

When you forgive this type of things you don't have a backbone!! You're a doormat with no self worth. C'mon honey! Stand up! Tell him to get lost for GOOD.

[jessham]

I just did. His response was "You're stressed out. Don't throw this away."

 

I'm not seeing how this isn't getting through to him when I literally just said "I'm not doing this anymore, we're done."

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Jess, DON'T take him back. And DON'T believe his passive-aggressive mumbo jumbo about him seeing how you reacted to him perving and talking to other women has 'restored HIS confidence in you two as a couple' and that 'now he realizes' how you're "in this 100%". Please. Seriously. DON'T fall for this.

 

I think when you two broke up the first time, he was Tindering during that time. And, when you two got back together, he didn't want to give up his Tindering ways, so he tried to do it on the sly...and got busted by you.

 

Btw, how did you end up finding out what his Tinder messages said to these other women? If you snooped on his phone, DON'T feel bad about doing that. You would NOT have snooped if he didn't give you a reason to. And, since his actions and your intuition indicated that something was 'off' or that he was HIDING something from you, you had every right to go through his phone.

 

Like you said at the end of your initial post, if you naively forgive him and forget about what he has done, he will STILL KEEP ON TINDERING behind your back - only this time, he'll HIDE it better so that you'll NEVER FIND OUT about it. He's a PLAYER and a potential CHEATER.

 

A guy who's sending d!ck pics to OTHER women instead of to his own gf and who's FLIRTING with them WILL eventually end up having sex with one (or several) of them.

 

You deserve BETTER than this. Seriously. Go full NC and move on with your life.

 

 

.

[MovingOnIsHard]

I just did. His response was "You're stressed out. Don't throw this away."

 

I'm not seeing how this isn't getting through to him when I literally just said "I'm not doing this anymore, we're done."

 

Good for you!

 

There is no excuse for behaviour such as his. He had no respect for you and manipulated things around to make it your fault.

 

Him saying he wanted a back up plan in case you two didnt work out is him not being confident enough in your relationship.. Yet he said he wasnt sure you were in 100%.. Very manipulative.

 

Dont fall into the trap of thinking that some people will forgive their SO's for this kind of behaviour... You're only normalizing a type of behaviour that is unacceptable. Focus on what you feel is the right thing to do... Put yourself first and foremost. Other people that forgive this type of behaviour are chumps.

[Michelle ma Belle]

OP I can't tell you how PROUD of you I am right now! :D

 

How many threads have we read of women in the exact same position as you that waffle back and forth about what to do as they white knuckling their way through their tempestuous relationships paranoid and insecure? Too many in my opinion.

 

I doubt any self respecting woman on here will tell you that you were wrong to do what you do.

 

HE acted inappropriately, got caught and basically is gas lighting you in the process. He's taking ZERO responsibility for the part he played in this.

 

Is is genuinely sorry? Maybe. Will he repeat the same mistakes again? Maybe. No one really knows for sure. The only thing that is for certain is that you're not one to be played with. And that is refreshing and powerful.

 

As for you having no backbone, quite the contrary! You have it in spades sista

 

Just remember this; we teach people how to treat us. One of my all time favorite quotes about self worth and self respect. Let that be your mantra.

 

Congrats!!

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I just did. His response was "You're stressed out. Don't throw this away."

 

I'm not seeing how this isn't getting through to him when I literally just said "I'm not doing this anymore, we're done."

 

Ha! He thinks he's a real smooth operator. You're 'stressed out'? LOL

 

It's NOT getting through to him because he's hoping that if he uses enough backwards 'logic' and his supposed 'charm' on you, that he can con you and MANIPULATE you into forgiving him and taking him back. You see, he wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants YOU.....and he wants to flirt, sext and possibly screw around with other women.

 

Sorry that you found out what your bf's character truly is. Trust me, I've been there. It hurts. It SUCKS. But, you have to love and respect yourself enough to take care of yourself - which means weeding out and DUMPING potential a$$wipes who DON'T respect YOU *or* the relationship.

 

 

.

[jessham]

I found out because he was heavily going through my phone when we got back together. I told him to go for it, because I had nothing to hide.

 

A few nights ago he was hiding his phone from me when he was texting and I watched him swipe away a few texts in a panic. It made me wonder, so I looked at it when I got up the next morning because I couldnt' sleep. So yeah, I went through his but he's told me countless times that I'm allowed to. I guess he assumed I never would. He's asking me to take a day or two to think things through because apparently he knows I'm "sleep deprived and have a lot on my plate right now. don't make any rash decisions especially over facebook"....

[PegNosePete]

I'm not seeing how this isn't getting through to him when I literally just said "I'm not doing this anymore, we're done."

Right, so now you delete and block him, don't answer his calls or texts or emails. He will get the message and Foxtrot Oscar eventually.

[Gaeta]

He's asking me to take a day or two to think things through because apparently he knows I'm "sleep deprived and have a lot on my plate right now. don't make any rash decisions especially over facebook"....

 

What a manipulative little man he is! Unbelievable. And this man is 32 !

 

Jess, this man didn't turned out to be a jerk over night. Don't waste anymore of your time on him. Everything coming out of his mouth is fabricated to manipulate you. I can't believe he's trying to minimize sending D*k pictures and inviting other women to have sex.

[jessham]

What a manipulative little man he is! Unbelievable.

 

I can't believe he's trying to minimize sending D*k pictures and inviting other women to have sex.

 

Yeah he's making it all to be jest about the pictures. And he actually made reservations with a woman at a place and then canceled the day of. He told me he canceled because he was starting to have faith in us again... lololol

 

I said my peace to him. I'm not responding. He's telling me to give it a day or two to think it over. I'm baffled. He's deleted. I think he's holding on because he was caught and knows he messed up and doesn't want HIM to be the reason we break up. He's such a prideful douche that he'd rather find someone first and experience a deeper connection than what we have before he considers letting this relationship go. It's awful. "Hey, you're the one I want to be with, but just in case there might be something even the slightest bit better out there, let me put my feelers out"... gag

[jessham]

Thanks ladies!

 

It sucks and it does hurt, but if my friend were in this position, I'd shake her if she didn't get rid of him. I'm not perfect. I've done wrong in the past too. I've been flirty. But it was always with people I already knew and they were little jokes that are safe for a work environment. Not "we'd make beautiful babies. let me show you my boobs".

 

He was looking for woman to put in his back pocket and save them for a rainy day when I was either not around or when we broke up. He has a probablem being alone. I should've seen it coming. My gut told me never to date him in the first place. 6 months he courted me and told me how much he loved me even though the feeling wasn't mutual. I later come to find out while he was "crazy for me" he was also hooking up with other girls and made a promise to one of them. I didn't know this until after we were dating though. Found out when I agreed to date him he broke her heart so bad that she had to move down south because he's all she had around here.

 

Thanks for the memories man, but good riddance.

[Lois_Griffin]

Ugh. WHY are you wasting your time on this lying loser?

 

Surely he's not the ONLY male in a 2,000 mile radius that you can date?

 

LOL. What an idiot, trying to send d*ck pics. These imbeciles just don't get that women don't find that the least bit alluring. Dumbass.

 

ETA: Oh goody. I see you saw the POS for what he really is. Good on you.

[dyna85]

Best thing would be to walk away from him for good. Kudos to you for knowing your worth and respecting yourself.

 

In time, you will realize what a sad sap this guy is. Wants his cake and to eat it too...no lovely woman got time for dat. You did the right thing and you deserve better and will find better. Give it a few months.

 

Don't give this lame a-- the time of day. Not worth it.

 

Let him reap what he's sown.

[No Limit]

He's been cheating for a while. Dump and block him.

 

 

edit; Nevermind. Glad you're rid of him.

[barcode88]

In all honesty the tinder date before valentines day you had no right to be mad especially since you guys weren't official and you were still re-establishing things....

 

But yeah the rest is pretty ****ed up, if he's sending dick pics to other girls it doesn't matter if he "didn't follow through".

[MovingOnIsHard]

I found out because he was heavily going through my phone when we got back together. I told him to go for it, because I had nothing to hide.

 

A few nights ago he was hiding his phone from me when he was texting and I watched him swipe away a few texts in a panic. It made me wonder, so I looked at it when I got up the next morning because I couldnt' sleep. So yeah, I went through his but he's told me countless times that I'm allowed to. I guess he assumed I never would. He's asking me to take a day or two to think things through because apparently he knows I'm "sleep deprived and have a lot on my plate right now. don't make any rash decisions especially over facebook"....

 

Oh yeah.. was it his idea to keep your phones accessible to each other? He probably thought he could freely browse through your phone anytime knowing that you wouldn't touch his phone. What a scumbag

[joseb]

Am I being too cold? Or am I right in thinking he's just going to do it again and just be sneakier about it this time?

 

Are you being cold? Oh lord no.

You are 100% right in dumping him. I really can't believe he was so arrogant to think he can just laugh it all off. Make sure you follow through, block him, etc.

[Omei]

I just did. His response was "You're stressed out. Don't throw this away."

 

I'm not seeing how this isn't getting through to him when I literally just said "I'm not doing this anymore, we're done."

 

You are not throwing anything away but taking out the trash to replace it with a new shiny thing you deserve now get out there and find a man who deserves you.

 

"I need a back up plan" really Lol