Texting a date

[kenmore]

Well, it has come to this. I imagine this has been asked numerous times here but I don't know how to find it and circumstances are probably different but here's my question:

 

I have been trying to get in a dating relationship with a woman I met a few weeks ago. We have had lunch together twice, but one would have been considered a business meeting and the other just after a business meeting. I am trying to get simply a personal relationship going.

 

I called her last week and asked her out and she politely declined due to a previous engagement. I wish to ask again this week and am considering texting her to ask her. While calling is the old fashioned "preferred" method, I'm sure texting is becoming a way that people (especially young people) ask someone out. It has the advantage of allowing the recipient to think and hopefully decide, without being put on the spot, that they may like it (or to have time to think up a good BS excuse not to go.) Keep in mind I'm 54 and she's younger (I don't know her age yet but I'd guess late 40s.)

 

While i'd like her to go or I wouldn't bother asking, I am trying to be cognizant of her feelings, and truth be told it's less painful for me too if she turns me down again, but I don't want to make it too easy. Part of me feels a man should always ask a woman out either in person or on the phone but times are a-changin'.

 

I'd like to hear people's thoughts regarding this subject. Ladies, if a guy asked you out via text, would you think it's low-brow? Guys, have you done this and has it been a good or bad experience?

 

Ken

[barcode88]

Sounds like she's not interested. If she were she would have offered an alternate time.p

 

I've asked girls out via text, works for me. Lately I've been calling more though.

[dyna85]

I personally much prefer to be called - I'm 29 y/o but totally old school. Texting to me is lame and immature.

[newmoon]

text.

 

the "older" you wants to be considerate and old-fashioned, but a call can be intrusive with someone you don't know well. a text allows them to respond when they can, and you won't be bothering them. it'll show her you can text :-), and since she already declined once if she declines again it won't bother you as much via a more impersonal method. definitely ask though, because that'll tell you if the initial decline was legit or just a put-on. imo.

[smackie9]

Not interested: ''sorry I have a previous engagement'' or ''Sorry I'm busy, maybe some other time....''

 

Interested: ''I have other plans, but I am free Saturday.'' or ''I had plans, just hang on a sec and let me see if I can change them....''

[smackie9]

as for texting it depends on the person....I'm 51 and texting would be ok with me.

[kenmore]

Thanks!!

 

I did oversimplify a bit, her actual response last time was she has a friend coming in [last weekend] but maybe next weekend.

 

So smackie, while it's not an open ended "sorry I'm busy" it's also not a clean "lets do it next Sat." Like everything in this acquaintanceship so far, it's not clear and decisive either way, it's always ambiguous.

 

To me, that probably means either she's not interested but is trying to spare my feelings or she's not sure how she feels (and could take it or leave it?) Either way, it doesn't look good. I'd prefer the latter though.

 

Agreed though newmoon, I need to ask because she did say maybe next weekend (which is this weekend) and I need to know. I think if the answer is no or ambiguous this time though, it'll be time to wait for her to make a move or not.

[kenmore]

Current count: 3 texts, 1 no text. I appreciate your opinions!

[fitnessfan365]

Would I rather set dates by phone? Yes,

 

But it's a pain in the ass to get women on the phone these days. Even when you arrange a time to talk on the phone, you still end up leaving voice mails most of the time. Then she'll text back instead. So at that point, it really is easier just to lock down plans. Especially since what truly matters is the date itself.

[minime13]

You're in your 50's and she's in her 40's?

 

Calling would probably be more appropriate. If she's interested, she'll say yes. If she's not, she'll make up another excuse like she did already and not give an alternative date to meet up, like she did already. Element of surprise would not matter if she's interested, and she wouldn't likely just change her mind (read: give you a chance to be more passive and hope she will just think about it and maybe say yes, eventually).

 

But really, I think she already told you she wasn't interested by her original response.

[La.Primavera]

Just bear in mind that if you send a text and she doesn't reply you will be left hanging wondering if she got the text, why it is taking so long, and whether you should send another one to be sure.

 

If you are ok with that uncertainty then a text is fine, otherwise give her a call. I think either way you are going to need a straight answer from her.

[GemmaUK]

At this late stage either way (calling or texting) she probably has her weekend planned so don't be surprised if she says she is busy.

 

How much contact have you had in between the last time you asked her out?

[Haerts]

I believe a call would be great if you were already going out with her or if you were sure she's into you, but since that's not the case yet, I would suggest a text. Of course, we never know how she would react, but if it were me, I'd atually prefer, especially if I wasn't sure whether I want to go out with the guy or not.

[Redhead14]

Well, it has come to this. I imagine this has been asked numerous times here but I don't know how to find it and circumstances are probably different but here's my question:

 

I have been trying to get in a dating relationship with a woman I met a few weeks ago. We have had lunch together twice, but one would have been considered a business meeting and the other just after a business meeting. I am trying to get simply a personal relationship going.

 

I called her last week and asked her out and she politely declined due to a previous engagement. I wish to ask again this week and am considering texting her to ask her. While calling is the old fashioned "preferred" method, I'm sure texting is becoming a way that people (especially young people) ask someone out. It has the advantage of allowing the recipient to think and hopefully decide, without being put on the spot, that they may like it (or to have time to think up a good BS excuse not to go.) Keep in mind I'm 54 and she's younger (I don't know her age yet but I'd guess late 40s.)

 

While i'd like her to go or I wouldn't bother asking, I am trying to be cognizant of her feelings, and truth be told it's less painful for me too if she turns me down again, but I don't want to make it too easy. Part of me feels a man should always ask a woman out either in person or on the phone but times are a-changin'.

 

I'd like to hear people's thoughts regarding this subject. Ladies, if a guy asked you out via text, would you think it's low-brow? Guys, have you done this and has it been a good or bad experience?

 

Ken

 

I never had a man text me for a first real date. It's always been in a phone call and a few in person. After that a text would be ok with me. I don't appreciate texting for making plans anyway.

 

Talking on the phone will give you a better sense about her. Voice inflection, etc. You'll get a better vibe, and if she's "into you", you'll kinda know and feel better about asking her out, or if she's not into you, you'll kinda know and won't put yourself through another rejection.

 

Usually, if you ask a woman for a date and she's not available when you suggest, she'll offer an alternate if she's interested and saavy enough. Sometimes, they don't. But at 40 years old, she should kinda get it by now. But, you never know. Just say, I'd like to reschedule the date I suggested last week, are you interested?

[kenmore]

Thanks again all!

 

I decided to text her. I kept it short and sweet and said "Hi ____ it's Ken. How are you today? Normally I'd call but I know you are at work. I am wondering if you would like to go to happy hour at the Brigantine with me tonight?"

 

Her reply 50 min later was "I would love to but I'm meeting my girl friend at the Highlands for hh. Let's do it another time for sure. ;)"

 

I said "okay, have fun tonight!" She said "Thanks"

 

So there is is. Frankly I was surprised after re-reading some of these posts how people thought she told me already she's not into it. We had gone out twice (albeit not personal dates) and after one excuse, she's not into me. While you are probably right, I find it odd to give up so easily. I guess I'm still thinking about FitnessFan's post about not communicating with a woman he has seen several times and she always seemed into it then when she didn't reply once he was done. I'm wondering if something has changed in society where we give up so quickly, but I can't overlook the writing on the wall.

 

I did ask her out for tonight which is Friday night and it's just possible she really had plans for Friday night, but as was said (more than once I believe) she could offer an alternate plan. At this point, I'm a little torn between waiting for her to say something else or trying to starting a text dialogue or asking her out to the local fair which starts in a couple weeks.

 

Stubborn? Yep. Always have been. I'm not a fan of chasing a woman who is not interested nor masochism. I have had enough hurt recently, but even though it's obvious to some, it's still not obvious to me.

 

Anyway, I wanted to give you all an update. I'm probably picking the wrong woman again. Maybe it would be easier if I just moved on.

 

Ken

[kenmore]

At this late stage either way (calling or texting) she probably has her weekend planned so don't be surprised if she says she is busy.

 

How much contact have you had in between the last time you asked her out?

 

No contact between asks.

[Popsicle]

If you've been out on a date before with her already and have texted before, I think its okay to text.

[Lansing]

Maybe next time you could make it more open. Be like, "hey, how is your we shaping up? Drink on Tuesday or Thursday"?

 

If a girl isn't interested she should leave it at "sorry, I can't" instead of offering excuses and using winky faces

[Haerts]

She replied you the same way she did before; didn't say no, yet didn't mention another day or anything. And since you waited between asks and she didn't say a thing, it's likely she won't say anything again; I'll be surprised if she contacts you. Sounds like she's trying to be polite, but I can't see it as she's interested. I would try once again though, maybe she will finally accept.

[La.Primavera]

Send her another text asking her if she is free next weekend. Do it soon, so she doesn't make other plans.

[Popsicle]

No contact between asks.

 

How come?

 

Popsicle

[Popsicle]

Thanks again all!

 

I decided to text her. I kept it short and sweet and said "Hi ____ it's Ken. How are you today? Normally I'd call but I know you are at work. I am wondering if you would like to go to happy hour at the Brigantine with me tonight?"

 

Her reply 50 min later was "I would love to but I'm meeting my girl friend at the Highlands for hh. Let's do it another time for sure. ;)"

 

I said "okay, have fun tonight!" She said "Thanks"

 

So there is is. Frankly I was surprised after re-reading some of these posts how people thought she told me already she's not into it. We had gone out twice (albeit not personal dates) and after one excuse, she's not into me. While you are probably right, I find it odd to give up so easily. I guess I'm still thinking about FitnessFan's post about not communicating with a woman he has seen several times and she always seemed into it then when she didn't reply once he was done. I'm wondering if something has changed in society where we give up so quickly, but I can't overlook the writing on the wall.

 

I did ask her out for tonight which is Friday night and it's just possible she really had plans for Friday night, but as was said (more than once I believe) she could offer an alternate plan. At this point, I'm a little torn between waiting for her to say something else or trying to starting a text dialogue or asking her out to the local fair which starts in a couple weeks.

 

Stubborn? Yep. Always have been. I'm not a fan of chasing a woman who is not interested nor masochism. I have had enough hurt recently, but even though it's obvious to some, it's still not obvious to me.

 

Anyway, I wanted to give you all an update. I'm probably picking the wrong woman again. Maybe it would be easier if I just moved on.

 

Ken

 

No I think you're attitude is correct. Men are too jumpy and overly sensitive these days.

It might be good to have little communication between dates though. It helps.

[loveweary11]

Ken, are you in sales?

 

If so, are you familiar with the concept of "getting to no?"

 

That is, you try nicely and normally (as you did) until you hear a "yes", which is your goal, or a "no" which is no response or a true no.

 

I was about to comment that the otherb posters had this wrong giving up so easily when the girl has several social obligations to deal with.

 

You want to hear the yes or the no/no reply to be sure... and there is nothing wrong with a few more texts in the ambiguous case where you haven't heard a no...also... nothing wring with a quick no, because it frees you op fir tge next one.

 

Dating and sales are very, very similar.

 

PS: You should be chatting her up a bit between dates

[jen1447]

Texting is fine w/me. In fact I prefer it a lot of times, esp if you're someone who doesn't have a claim to my immediate attention.

 

btw, I wonder why we're so often inclined to try to predict the future? None of us really has a clue what will happen, and it's not exactly urgent that Ken *get out now ...NOW!!!* so why not just let whatever happens happen? It will anyway.

[kenmore]

I appreciate all of your guidance very much! I'm an adult and should know this stuff as well as anybody, but somehow when you are one of the parties involved, it's not so easy to analyze.

 

I did try a different tact and tried to get a text convo going. To answer your question popsicle, I was not talking to her between dates or asking because I didn't want to come on too strong with her. I want to show I'm interested enough to ask her out, but not bother her at work or appear too needy. Basically, I was playing it aloof. Perhaps that was a mistake because now that I'm trying to ramp it up a bit, it will appear so.

 

I like the idea of asking her out sooner so she doesn't have plans. It was another mistake to ask her out on Friday for the same evening, that's too short notice for sure.

 

Yes, LW, I am in sales though pretty new to it. I have been told by my boss that I should continue trying with people until they actually ask me to stop and while I understand that philosophy as milking a prospect for all I can, I can usually tell when there's no chance and if the sale is going downhill, I have found it can be a waste of time (not to mention annoying.) That said, I think this woman is far from that point and if I just give up then it's definitely over.

 

So I texted her a benign message yesterday asking how she is and said I saw a recipe that reminded me of her. No reply until this morning when she said "Must have been French :)" I replied with "There are other things that remind me of you...but yeah :-)."

 

Off to a slow start, but I'm liking a challenge.