He acts like we're dating when I made it clear we are NOT dating right now!

[Ashley S]

Ok, I am really stressed out. My guy friend is constantly around me, and he confessed his feelings to me, he said "Ashley I am in love with you! When I am not with you, I literally miss you, like my body aches, because of how much I miss you. I never felt this way about any girl, and I want you only." I said to him "That is really sweet Mark, but I am not looking for a relationship right now in my life. I feel like maybe in time we will date, but just not right now in my life. I am looking for friends. I don't want to string you along." He said "No, you're not stringing me along. I understand. Even if you're my friend for 5 years, I don't care. Just as long I am in your life is all that matters, but I get you. No worries."

 

I thought we were on the same page, but then he's was saying he wanted to go out this weekend, and I said "Invite some of your guy friends" I meant because of my girlfriend that is tagging along, and I don't want her to be a third wheel, and he said "I should be the only guy you want around." I said "Oh no for my girlfriend!" He said "Uh huh." He gets jealous and weird though, and calls me "babe", he basically acts like he's my boyfriend when I made it clear to him, that I won't date him right now. I think he's really cool, and sweet, but I am just not ready for a relationship right now. He's constantly around me, and he stays over my place. I feel like I am being suffocated into a relationship, and I don't know what to do. He says he "understands", yet he seems to push for the relationship thing. What do I do? Because he's a really cool guy, but I don't want to hurt him.

[Redhead14]

Ok, I am really stressed out. My guy friend is constantly around me, and he confessed his feelings to me, he said "Ashley I am in love with you! When I am not with you, I literally miss you, like my body aches, because of how much I miss you. I never felt this way about any girl, and I want you only." I said to him "That is really sweet Mark, but I am not looking for a relationship right now in my life. I feel like maybe in time we will date, but just not right now in my life. I am looking for friends. I don't want to string you along." He said "No, you're not stringing me along. I understand. Even if you're my friend for 5 years, I don't care. Just as long I am in your life is all that matters, but I get you. No worries."

 

I thought we were on the same page, but then he's was saying he wanted to go out this weekend, and I said "Invite some of your guy friends" I meant because of my girlfriend that is tagging along, and I don't want her to be a third wheel, and he said "I should be the only guy you want around." I said "Oh no for my girlfriend!" He said "Uh huh." He gets jealous and weird though, and calls me "babe", he basically acts like he's my boyfriend when I made it clear to him, that I won't date him right now. I think he's really cool, and sweet, but I am just not ready for a relationship right now. He's constantly around me, and he stays over my place. I feel like I am being suffocated into a relationship, and I don't know what to do. He says he "understands", yet he seems to push for the relationship thing. What do I do? Because he's a really cool guy, but I don't want to hurt him.

 

You have made your boundaries clear with words in the sense that you don't want a relationship and you just want to be friends. Now you enforce them. Don't allow him to stay at your place, don't invite him to things and don't go with him to things when he asks at least for some time.

 

And when you tell someone you don't want a relationship with them, don't follow that statement with "in time" we may date. That is breadcrumbs intended to soften the blow, but in actuality it gives them some hope to hang on to.

 

Be clear with him and create some space. I know you don't want to hurt him, but it is going to be more painful for him to be around you so much. It is very difficult to maintain an arm's length relationship with someone you care so much about but can't have what you really want.

[deadelvis]

This whole situation is unhealthy. He thinks he is more than just an orbiter. You think he's a friend but he isn't really. He wants more and that will pretend to be a real friend until he loses hope. Tell him about a guy you met who you "really see potential with". Gauge his reaction. He's what we call a beta orbiter. Get rid of him

[davidromero43]

Try to set him up with a friend. If you can't do it, maybe you do want him. If you do it and he is upset because he wants you. Then he will know you are trying to push him off on someone else. Keep telling him "If you want to date, I will find someone for you to date.".

[elaine567]

He's constantly around me, and he stays over my place.

 

Why are you letting him stay at your place?

[lionheart153]

Why are you letting him stay at your place?

 

Same question

 

You may have said you don't want to date, but adding the maybe later part doesn't do anything but offer the poor sap hope, plus its obvious his feelings are still on his sleeve. You need walk away and tell him you can't have things teh way it was before. Unless you are just lying to yourself and do want him around, then do the right that and give dating a try. Other wise you just come out as the bad guy.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yeah him "staying over at your place" what exactly is he doing? is the one thing that makes this guy not simply an orbiter. An orbiter never "lands". If he is staying over at your place, sleeping there, waking up there, eating dinner and breakfast there, providing emotional and/or physical intimacy (which can mean sex but it doesn't have to be sex.) ; then you and him are at least Friends With Benefits.

 

A FWB relationship has to end the way any other does. Your options are to fade out on him, tell him you don't want to be his friend, and then go NC for a good while...maybe forever.

 

This sort of relationship has to end by breaking up.

 

 

The statements you made about dating him "in time" give him false hope and make it sound like you are unsure of what you want. If you are really truly sure you want to not have him act like you are dating, and that you would NEVER want to date him then do as we have said. Break up with him then go NC.

 

Be warned if you do this, especially if you don't go NC, then a month, six months latter see him calling someone else baby and showing them that attention, it might not feel they way you expect it to now.

[Satu]

If you don't want to be with him now, what will make you want him in the future?

 

He is now waiting for that wonderful day...

[Mrlonelyone]

I wanted to add the following thought.

 

Consider this: Right now you are kinda getting all the benefits of having a relationship without any of the concrete downsides. Here is a man utterly devoted to you and you haven't had to do anything for it. Sure it is a bit...awkward feeling but hear me out.

 

The following will work if he is not physically repulsive and utterly un ***kable to you.

 

Lots of young men, and young women engage in what are called "placeholder relationships" https://comehereoften.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/placeholder-relationships/ That blog describes it well. Basically you date someone, gain the benefits of having someone but you know that it's not going anywhere.

 

Consider "dating him" but not actually doing anything different. Then when the time comes dump him. The feelings involved for both of you will be about the same if you do it now.

 

 

One more thing when I say un ***kable I don't mean not hot I mean cold.

[lionheart153]

A friend of mine went through something like this and I told him one simple thing.

 

Eventually that person will give up and leave, and when they do and they find someone else. How are you going to feel?

 

Think about that. If you answer is anything but "fine" then you aren't true to yourself, and if it is, then you need to tell him and stop hanging out with him. Because it doesn't matter to you anyway right?

 

Oh and it isn't mean of you if you stop hanging out, you are actually doing him a favor.

[Ashley S]

Thank you everyone for the advice. The reason why he'll stay at my place is because he always gives me the "I have nowhere to go", and so I feel bad and let him stay at my house. He lives with his parents right now, he had his own place before, but he lost it because his job laid him off, and he had expensive rent that he couldn't afford anymore, because he lost his high paying job. He doesn't get along with his parents, and he feels he has no choice but to live with his parents at this time in his life. It's unbearable for him though, thus why he's always at my house.

 

What I meant by "Maybe in the future" is when I want to settle down. He is boyfriend material, and a very nice guy. He always pays for everything has a good head on his shoulders, respectful, etc. He has a lot of potential, and he's very caring. Right now though in my life, I am just not ready to settle down considering that I am 21 years old, and I really don't want ANY boyfriend. I just want party buddies, and friends. However, I see that he genuinely likes and cares about me a lot, and it breaks my heart that I am not wanting to be with him because he is a very good guy to be with in a relationship. But yes, maybe in the future when I want to settle down, he would be the first choice to settle down with.

 

I understand though if he were to leave and be out of my life because of us not being together in a romantic way. It would break my heart though because we are such good friends, it's not like it's just some random dude that I hardly know. He's a really good friend, who helped me through a dark period in my life, and is helping me with my depression because of how much empathy, compassion, and respect he's showing me, that other people don't show me. However, I can't bring myself (for some reason) to actually commit and date him, and be with him only. It's just very hard for me because I don't want to lose him because I do love him, just in a friend way though. I would lose something really good if I were to lose him, and that hurts me to even think about it. So, it's just difficult for me to handle all of this. I never been through a situation like this before. Thanks everyone!

[Ashley S]

Also, I tried setting him up with females, and his response is always "But I want you. I don't want her." He doesn't budge. He just keeps saying he's "in love" with me, and wants to "only be with me". It's weird because he'll "understand" that we are friends, but he gets really jealous about other guys, he just wants to go out like me and him alone, but see that seems more like a date, so I am trying to get a group going, and he says "Why so you can make out with the dudes or something?" He still will say I am his "girlfriend" when I had this friend talk with him twice. I told him that right now in my life, I don't want a boyfriend, but he still pushes it. I just don't know what to do.

[Redhead14]

Also, I tried setting him up with females, and his response is always "But I want you. I don't want her." He doesn't budge. He just keeps saying he's "in love" with me, and wants to "only be with me". It's weird because he'll "understand" that we are friends, but he gets really jealous about other guys, he just wants to go out like me and him alone, but see that seems more like a date, so I am trying to get a group going, and he says "Why so you can make out with the dudes or something?" He still will say I am his "girlfriend" when I had this friend talk with him twice. I told him that right now in my life, I don't want a boyfriend, but he still pushes it. I just don't know what to do.

 

He isn't respecting your wishes or boundaries. You tell him to move on. Now is the time when assertiveness should be employed. You do not have to be rude, but you also don't have to try to manage his emotions.

 

You say "I am uncomfortable with your behavior now and I don't want to spend time with you anymore." You go no contact. You don't reach out to him or respond to him. He has crossed the line and friendship is off the table. Stand your ground.

[minime13]

Ok, I am really stressed out. My guy friend is constantly around me, and he confessed his feelings to me, he said "Ashley I am in love with you! When I am not with you, I literally miss you, like my body aches, because of how much I miss you. I never felt this way about any girl, and I want you only." I said to him "That is really sweet Mark, but I am not looking for a relationship right now in my life. I feel like maybe in time we will date, but just not right now in my life. I am looking for friends. I don't want to string you along." He said "No, you're not stringing me along. I understand. Even if you're my friend for 5 years, I don't care. Just as long I am in your life is all that matters, but I get you. No worries."

 

I thought we were on the same page, but then he's was saying he wanted to go out this weekend, and I said "Invite some of your guy friends" I meant because of my girlfriend that is tagging along, and I don't want her to be a third wheel, and he said "I should be the only guy you want around." I said "Oh no for my girlfriend!" He said "Uh huh." He gets jealous and weird though, and calls me "babe", he basically acts like he's my boyfriend when I made it clear to him, that I won't date him right now. I think he's really cool, and sweet, but I am just not ready for a relationship right now. He's constantly around me, and he stays over my place. I feel like I am being suffocated into a relationship, and I don't know what to do. He says he "understands", yet he seems to push for the relationship thing. What do I do? Because he's a really cool guy, but I don't want to hurt him.

 

You're sending very mixed signals. You're writing, in this post, mixed signals.

 

Your friend professes his love to you, and you feed him the hook line of 'not right now, but maybe.' That's as clear as mud. That gives him hope, and you should not do that if you want a friend.

 

You invite a friend out with the two of you, but don't want her to be a third wheel. Third wheel for what, your friendship? That sentence that you used speaks volumes. His reaction shouldn't be a surprise.

 

Figure out what it is that you want, and act the part. You aren't being very nice to your friend right now, and (even if you don't mean to be doing so) you're kinda leading him on. I don't see any clarity in your post about your intentions. At all.

[Omei]

You're sending very mixed signals. You're writing, in this post, mixed signals.

 

Your friend professes his love to you, and you feed him the hook line of 'not right now, but maybe.' That's as clear as mud. That gives him hope, and you should not do that if you want a friend.

 

You invite a friend out with the two of you, but don't want her to be a third wheel. Third wheel for what, your friendship? That sentence that you used speaks volumes. His reaction shouldn't be a surprise.

 

Figure out what it is that you want, and act the part. You aren't being very nice to your friend right now, and (even if you don't mean to be doing so) you're kinda leading him on. I don't see any clarity in your post about your intentions. At all.

 

This is what I was going to add, fully agree its not nice to keep backups, seems like you're putting in just enough effort so he will still fancy you.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You're young so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you genuinely are clueless here, and aren't just stringing him along for your own gain.

 

You will NEVER be in a relationship with this guy. For you, he looks great on paper and you wish you could force feelings for him as you know it'd be an easy relationship with someone who adores you, but you can't force those feelings. That's why you don't want to date him seriously right now, it's not because you're 'not ready' or 'just want to party', trust me when you meet the right guy, you will KNOW that whatever stands in your way, you want to be with him. This happens to people as young as their mid teens in rare cases, these relationships usually end but the point is you feel strongly enough that you want to snap them up, get them off the market and happily devote yourself to them. At 21, old enough to do whatever you want legally in most countries, you would be ready to commit to someone who blew you away. But while your heart is saying 'hell no', your head is saying 'but it would be so easy, and he loves me...' and that, combined with enjoying his company in a friendly way and liking the attention and having someone there, is what's selfishly leading you to lead him on.

 

Does that make sense? Of course he acts like you're dating when you've basically told him that you will date him at some point, just not right now. He sounds too immature too to realise that that means nothing, if you're not with him now then he has no chance. You know that if you tried to date him your heart wouldn't be in it. He, on the other hand, wants you more than probably anything else in the world and it's flattering for you to have that adoration.

 

So yes... you saying 'we will date at some point, it's the timing that's wrong not you' coupled with letting him stay at your house (he's probably laid there trying to work up the courage to come into your room and try it on, sorry) is giving him the wrong idea.

 

He is not a friend. A friend is a different thing to a 'date in waiting' as he sees himself. Get a serious relationship and watch him disappear overnight. Friendship is not based on games and unrequited love. Let the guy go, cut right back on contact and make it clear you will NEVER be more than just friendly.

[Donnie Darko]

An unplanned pregnancy may just scare him away.

[smackie9]

Ashley the only thing that will solve this is to completely cut this guy off. He is not your friend, he is obsessed with you. You need to realize he needs to be kicked to the curb so he can eventually get over you and move on. It is very selfish of you to pretend that you can just be friends.

[joseb]

Ashley the only thing that will solve this is to completely cut this guy off. He is not your friend, he is obsessed with you. You need to realize he needs to be kicked to the curb so he can eventually get over you and move on. It is very selfish of you to pretend that you can just be friends.

 

^This.

 

It's totally unfair to string him along like this.

[Diezel]

Another tale of another "male friend".

 

You are right. You aren't ready to settle down. You and your family have issues with boundaries. You tell him one thing but then you let him stay over? Because you feel bad?

 

You have it all wrong. I get that you don't want to be with him now, but you are also leading him on. You said yourself that he is a possible candidate but for the future... so that's why you are keeping him around?

 

You need to come out and be clear and say enough is enough and STOP having him over night.

[Mrlonelyone]

You can't time when you find someone right for a relationship.

 

 

What I meant by "Maybe in the future" is when I want to settle down. He is boyfriend material, and a very nice guy. He always pays for everything has a good head on his shoulders, respectful, etc. He has a lot of potential, and he's very caring. Right now though in my life, I am just not ready to settle down considering that I am 21 years old, and I really don't want ANY boyfriend. I just want party buddies, and friends. However, I see that he genuinely likes and cares about me a lot, and it breaks my heart that I am not wanting to be with him because he is a very good guy to be with in a relationship. But yes, maybe in the future when I want to settle down, he would be the first choice to settle down with.

 

See what you are saying there. You think he's perfect but you don't want to settle down. You would not say he was perfect for a relationship if he held ZERO attractiveness to you.

 

The problem is he is offering you more relationship than you feel like you want right now.

 

Therefore you should cut him off and free him to find someone who wants that right now.

 

Before you do that think about this. When you find someone who is perfect for a relationship like that you don't find that every day. When you are 31 and ready the line will be that all the guys who are perfect on paper are already taken.

 

Do you really not want a relationship with this guy or are you just afraid of committing.... reading the below....

 

 

I understand though if he were to leave and be out of my life because of us not being together in a romantic way. It would break my heart though because we are such good friends, it's not like it's just some random dude that I hardly know. He's a really good friend, who helped me through a dark period in my life, and is helping me with my depression because of how much empathy, compassion, and respect he's showing me, that other people don't show me. However, I can't bring myself (for some reason) to actually just in a friend way to commit and date him, and be with him only. It's just very hard for me because I don't want to lose him because I do love him,. I would lose something really good if I were to lose him, and that hurts me to even think about it. So, it's just difficult for me to handle all of this. I never been through a situation like this before. Thanks everyone!

 

You love him in a friend way. You mean it feels comfortable and like home? Like he's family but not in a sick incestuous way...

 

There is a poster on here who got married at your age and has been for about 20 years. The way she describes the feelings she had for her husband sound allot like what you are saying.

 

 

TL;DR: Life does not happen on a schedule. It is not like party from 18-25. then get married and have 2.5 kids by 30, have those kids graduate from college by the time you are 55, grandparent by 65. Stuff happens to throw off that idealized time table....like meeting a man you could marry at 21...or not meeting a man you could marry until you are 41.

[phineas]

he will go away on his own when she does meet a guy she wants.

[kendahke]

he said "I should be the only guy you want around."

 

I'd have spun around on him and told him "We're not dating and you're not hearing me when I tell you I don't want a relationship. If you can't handle that, then we can't be around each other anymore".

[kendahke]

He's constantly around me, and he stays over my place. I feel like I am being suffocated into a relationship, and I don't know what to do. He says he "understands", yet he seems to push for the relationship thing. What do I do? Because he's a really cool guy, but I don't want to hurt him.

You're going to have to hurt him because he isn't hearing what you're saying. Sometimes, people don't learn until they're drawing back a nub.

 

Having said that, the constantly being around you and staying over has to stop. You are sending him mixed signals--your words are saying "I don't want a relationship", but you actions are saying "I want a relationship". Unless he's paying rent, he should not be staying over at your place. If you feel like you're being suffocated, then it's because you're strangling yourself.

 

You think he's going to get your message and respect what you say and he's showing you that he's in this to have his own way, which you're pretty much giving him by giving him all this leeway to encroach upon your space. YOU are doing that, not him, so this starts and ends with you.