Dating for 2 years, urge to have relationship more serious?

[Torii]

Hey all,

 

I have the urge to get engaged with my love, and I'm not sure why I have developed this feeling. We've been together for 2 years and during our 2 years, we've always been on the same page: happy where we are, don't need a ring to know we're committed.

 

Lately however, I've been feeling as though something is missing and I'm not able to pinpoint what this something is in the life we share. We live together, so I'm curious if this new factor plays a part..

[acrosstheuniverse]

Is that 'something missing' in a 'wow this is amazing, I want this to be forever and make it official' kinda way, or in a 'I don't feel as good as I thought I would, maybe getting engaged might make me feel more strongly about him/her'?

 

Two years isn't too short a time to bring up your feelings about the future, and even if in the past when things were starting out neither of you felt you needed a ring to be committed that doesn't mean your feelings won't change as you become more serious.

 

Why haven't you spoken to them about it yet? Nothing wrong with asking 'where do you think this is going' or a straight 'what are your feelings on getting married someday?' And then talking timelines to see if you're on the same page; it's the smart thing to do if it's important to you. It's your life too and if you're female, getting married is just a huge deal to you as it is to the male partner (if straight), you shouldn't be expected to sit around and wait for the other person to decide alone when it happens, take an active part in talking about it. However if they originally said they didn't ever want marriage please remember that if they still feel that way and you're left disappointed. People are ready at different times and some never want to get married. At 15 months with my partner I am not ready to think about engagement for a long while yet but who knows how I might feel down the line.

 

I'm sensing you're afraid they dont feel the same or you'd have discussed and agreed on what you want and when.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to discuss these feelings with your partner. After 2 years, it's not unreasonable to reassess the relationship. However, if you're already living together I have a feeling the other party is going to say they're satisfied with the current status.

[Redhead14]

Hey all,

 

I have the urge to get engaged with my love, and I'm not sure why I have developed this feeling. We've been together for 2 years and during our 2 years, we've always been on the same page: happy where we are, don't need a ring to know we're committed.

 

Lately however, I've been feeling as though something is missing and I'm not able to pinpoint what this something is in the life we share. We live together, so I'm curious if this new factor plays a part..

 

You can have a casual conversation with him to say that your feelings are changing and that you'd want more from the relationship especially now that you are living together. You can say something like "I'm very happy in our relationship and see a nice future for us. Now that we are living together, I'm feeling like I want more in terms of commitment" and, then, let him talk. If he still says he's happy with the way things are and doesn't want marriage, and you do, you may have to move on. But, be clear in your head. Are you truly happy with the way things are and know that you two are committed to one another or do you really want to get married to someone? Unless you get clear about this problems will develop between you.

[Torii]

We've discussed engagement/marriage before plenty of times. He says that he's glad where we are now and I'm very happy with this decision. I've grown up being told that engagement is necessary to develop as a couple, but to be honest with you - without a doubt, I know we've already found that level of comfort and commitment to support each other. How people feel about how we choose to live isn't a concern for us, but I sometimes can't handle the judgements that come with a choice like this.

 

I love our life just as is, even if we're just starting to get our life as a couple on the track. I'm glad to be experiencing all the feelings of adulthood with him beside me, and even though I sometimes feel like the odd one out, I know how we're choosing to live our lives is the most important aspect of our relationship. I don't need a ring to tell me that I'm happy where I'm at, with my love and I certainly don't need to follow expectations to know that this relationship is healthy for us.

 

 

Is it so wrong that we're choosing an alternative lifestyle, opposed to getting married like it's expected from tradition?

[acrosstheuniverse]

This sounds like it's actually external pressures to get married and to see your relationship as less legitimate than a married couple are what are driving you to want engagement: either that or you DO deep down wanna get engaged but as you know he doesn't, you're putting a brave face on to everyone and saying that it's not YOU wanting engagement, it's society expecting it.

 

Regarding just wanting to live together I really wouldn't sweat it, the vast vast majority of twenties/early thirties couples I know live together but aren't engaged or married, for many people it's how it is done now. I live in the UK and nobody bats an eyelid! Where do you come from? If anything, a twenties couple getting married attracts more attention as it's considered so young. 'Partner' is seen with as much respect as spouse.

 

A ring and a marriage certificate won't guarantee the success of a relationship, at all. But if you want that, be prepared to either talk more seriously to your partner or be prepared to leave and find someone who sees marriage in their future. Personally I think two years is still quite early to be getting engaged and it's not something I or anyone I know would do or has done, but if it's what you want you should both know by now that that's the direction you're heading in. Sounds like you're enjoying living together and starting a life together, that's great and a very special and exciting time in any relationship!

[Torii]

It's more-or-less the expectation of society, that someday, even years down the road, we'll need to have a ring on our finger to declare our love for each other. It's the pressure that's really bothering me, the fact that people are expecting marriage later on in our lives.

[Redhead14]

We've discussed engagement/marriage before plenty of times. He says that he's glad where we are now and I'm very happy with this decision. I've grown up being told that engagement is necessary to develop as a couple, but to be honest with you - without a doubt, I know we've already found that level of comfort and commitment to support each other. How people feel about how we choose to live isn't a concern for us, but I sometimes can't handle the judgements that come with a choice like this.

 

I love our life just as is, even if we're just starting to get our life as a couple on the track. I'm glad to be experiencing all the feelings of adulthood with him beside me, and even though I sometimes feel like the odd one out, I know how we're choosing to live our lives is the most important aspect of our relationship. I don't need a ring to tell me that I'm happy where I'm at, with my love and I certainly don't need to follow expectations to know that this relationship is healthy for us.

 

 

Is it so wrong that we're choosing an alternative lifestyle, opposed to getting married like it's expected from tradition?

 

 

My current SO and I do not have intentions to marry. We've both been married before and have children. There isn't really a "reason" to be married at this point in our lives. We are independent, individuals who are happy with ourselves and now just want someone in our lives to enhance it and experience things with each other. I am 56 and he is 62. We aren't going to have children together. We've both experienced that side of life.

 

We don't even want to live together. We are on the same page and it works. Once in a while I'll think about living together, but in the end, it's working just fine. We are happy. Why rock that boat?

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's more-or-less the expectation of society, that someday, even years down the road, we'll need to have a ring on our finger to declare our love for each other. It's the pressure that's really bothering me, the fact that people are expecting marriage later on in our lives.

 

 

Unfortunately, society expects certain things from individuals based on the current cultural norms at that time. Can't get away from it, just gotta find the peace inside of you that makes you confident in doing what's right for YOU, irregardless of what society expects, as long as you're not hurting anybody.

 

If you are confident you don't want or need marriage then you need to find that inner confidence to tell anyone who pressures you or sticks their nose in when it's not wanted to sod off. Nine times out of ten, unless you're in a very strict conservative culture, other people don't really care or think about your relationship as much as you think they do. Perhaps you're worrying about pressure and expectation that aren't there.

 

Good for you recognising that it's society's expectations giving you this engagement ring desire, there is hardly a worse reason to get married than because someone else other than the couple wants you to.

[Torii]

No need for this thread anymore.

 

 

My SO and I have figured it all out. We have gained the confidence needed to tell people about our plan(s) for the future when they ask now. Our future may or may not have anything to do with marriage - and we're happy about this.

 

 

Thanks everybody.

[joseb]

Nice to see a happy ending to a thread

[Redhead14]

Hey all,

 

I have the urge to get engaged with my love, and I'm not sure why I have developed this feeling. We've been together for 2 years and during our 2 years, we've always been on the same page: happy where we are, don't need a ring to know we're committed.

 

Lately however, I've been feeling as though something is missing and I'm not able to pinpoint what this something is in the life we share. We live together, so I'm curious if this new factor plays a part..

 

Well, feelings and visions for the future do change sometimes. You two were on the same page in terms of your relationship model and now 2 years into it, it's stagnated. There hasn't been a "goal" or relationship milestones to go through.

 

After a period of time together, sometimes couples start operating on autopilot. They are just going through the motions of a relationship without really having good communication and/or doing things together that keep them bonded and keeping it fresh and now that you're living together there is more transparency and maybe a lack of that mystery so to speak.

 

Do some new things together. Or, if you've been feeling couped up and not doing much, get out with your friends and he should do the same. Change things up a little. Just because you live together, doesn't mean you can't have your own interests and/or do more of the things you like to do together.

 

I would sit down with your boyfriend and simply tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you love him and appreciate and respect the relationship you have and want to work together to keep it strong. Find out how he's feeling now. He may be feeling some things as a result of moving in together. Find out if there are things you two need to work on. Communicate, communicate, communicate.