Feel like I may have said something wrong

[losangelena]

Gang:

 

The other day I was at my BF's place. He was taking a shower, I was getting dressed. The shirt I put on had been sitting on the bed, and once I was wearing it I noticed there was a hair on it. I pulled it off and it was long, dark, and wavy—nothing like what my looks like (long, light, stick-straight). My immediate reaction was WHOSE EFFING HAIR IS THIS? But as I started thinking, I began to think it could really be anyone's hair. I'm borrowing the car of a friend on mine whose hair looks like that, for instance. And knowing what I know of my BF, I just don't think he'd have it in him to cheat.

 

Still, when he came out of the shower, he saw me looking at something, and I said, I'm trying to figure out whose hair this could be. I didn't really mean it in an accusatory sense, but he said, "well I haven't brought anyone here." Eventually I said it was probably my friend's hair.

 

Now, I don't actually think my BF had been unfaithful. I feel bad though that by asking him about whose hair that might have been, he thinks that maybe I don't trust him. He's not the type to tell me if something bothers him, but I don't want to go around insulting him accidentally, and I know it's important to him that the people in his life trust him.

 

We didn't talk about it the rest of the weekend, and for all I know he's not dwelling on it. Do you think it's worth apologizing about, though? If it's not an issue, I don't want to harp on it unnecessarily, but if I did offend him, I do want him to know that it wasn't my intention. Sorry if this sounds totally whackadoo—I've been "in my head" all day about this, so I may not be having the clearest thoughts about the topic.

 

Again, I really don't think the issue here is whether he's cheating. I just want to know if I should apologize or just not bring it up again. Thanks.

[writergal]

Gang:

 

The other day I was at my BF's place. He was taking a shower, I was getting dressed. The shirt I put on had been sitting on the bed, and once I was wearing it I noticed there was a hair on it. I pulled it off and it was long, dark, and wavy—nothing like what my looks like (long, light, stick-straight). My immediate reaction was WHOSE EFFING HAIR IS THIS? But as I started thinking, I began to think it could really be anyone's hair. I'm borrowing the car of a friend on mine whose hair looks like that, for instance. And knowing what I know of my BF, I just don't think he'd have it in him to cheat.

 

Still, when he came out of the shower, he saw me looking at something, and I said, I'm trying to figure out whose hair this could be. I didn't really mean it in an accusatory sense, but he said, "well I haven't brought anyone here." Eventually I said it was probably my friend's hair.

 

Now, I don't actually think my BF had been unfaithful. I feel bad though that by asking him about whose hair that might have been, he thinks that maybe I don't trust him. He's not the type to tell me if something bothers him, but I don't want to go around insulting him accidentally, and I know it's important to him that the people in his life trust him.

 

We didn't talk about it the rest of the weekend, and for all I know he's not dwelling on it. Do you think it's worth apologizing about, though? If it's not an issue, I don't want to harp on it unnecessarily, but if I did offend him, I do want him to know that it wasn't my intention. Sorry if this sounds totally whackadoo—I've been "in my head" all day about this, so I may not be having the clearest thoughts about the topic.

 

Again, I really don't think the issue here is whether he's cheating. I just want to know if I should apologize or just not bring it up again. Thanks.

 

Well, why should you apologize? You didn't actually accuse your boyfriend of cheating. All you did was comment that you didn't know whose stray hair was attached to the shirt you'd just put on. Don't make a mountain of a mow hill.

 

But, if you're really wondering whose hair it is, buy a commercial hair analysis kit and test it.

[jen1447]

I'd apologize. You seem to feel bad and it'l make you feel better.

[Methodical]

You didn't actually accuse or imply he'd done anything shady, plus you went on to say it was probably your friend's hair, done in an aloof manner. I doubt he has given much, if any, thought about the incident since you essentially "answered" your own curiosity. Bringing it up again may cause him to pause and think that perhaps you had thought he'd been up to no good whereas right now it sounds like a moot point.

[El Pallasso]

He may not vocalize it but he may not have liked what you said so it's best to apologize.

[writergal]

You didn't actually accuse or imply he'd done anything shady, plus you went on to say it was probably your friend's hair, done in an aloof manner. I doubt he has given much, if any, thought about the incident since you essentially "answered" your own curiosity. Bringing it up again may cause him to pause and think that perhaps you had thought he'd been up to no good whereas right now it sounds like a moot point.

 

I agree with this.^ The conversation has already been resolved. If you bring it up again, then your boyfriend will wonder why and possibly get irritated with you and assume that you brought it up again because you actually *do* think he cheated on you.

 

As the character from my favorite movie "When Harry Met Sally," Sally Albright said to Harry (when they were discussing whether or not women and men can really be friends after he hit on her at the café on their way to New York), "

." Harry doesn't let the matter go and makes it worse for himself, because he irritates Sally to the point where she won't sleep with him now on their road trip, which was Harry's goal.

[smackie9]

It's your friends, and you managed to pick it up from using her car. People with long hair like myself tend to shed everywhere.

[writergal]

It's your friends, and you managed to pick it up from using her car. People with long hair like myself tend to shed everywhere.

 

Agreed. It's your friend's strand of long hair from her car.

[Redhead14]

Gang:

 

The other day I was at my BF's place. He was taking a shower, I was getting dressed. The shirt I put on had been sitting on the bed, and once I was wearing it I noticed there was a hair on it. I pulled it off and it was long, dark, and wavy—nothing like what my looks like (long, light, stick-straight). My immediate reaction was WHOSE EFFING HAIR IS THIS? But as I started thinking, I began to think it could really be anyone's hair. I'm borrowing the car of a friend on mine whose hair looks like that, for instance. And knowing what I know of my BF, I just don't think he'd have it in him to cheat.

 

Still, when he came out of the shower, he saw me looking at something, and I said, I'm trying to figure out whose hair this could be. I didn't really mean it in an accusatory sense, but he said, "well I haven't brought anyone here." Eventually I said it was probably my friend's hair.

 

Now, I don't actually think my BF had been unfaithful. I feel bad though that by asking him about whose hair that might have been, he thinks that maybe I don't trust him. He's not the type to tell me if something bothers him, but I don't want to go around insulting him accidentally, and I know it's important to him that the people in his life trust him.

 

We didn't talk about it the rest of the weekend, and for all I know he's not dwelling on it. Do you think it's worth apologizing about, though? If it's not an issue, I don't want to harp on it unnecessarily, but if I did offend him, I do want him to know that it wasn't my intention. Sorry if this sounds totally whackadoo—I've been "in my head" all day about this, so I may not be having the clearest thoughts about the topic.

 

Again, I really don't think the issue here is whether he's cheating. I just want to know if I should apologize or just not bring it up again. Thanks.

 

I wouldn't mention it again. Don't apologize either. He responded in a way that indicates he kinda knew what would be in your head in mentioning the hair and didn't appear to be upset. I'd leave it alone or it will become an "issue".

[losangelena]

That's the thing though—he doesn't get upset about anything. On the one hand, that's great, but on the other hand, it leaves me wondering if things really do upset him but he chooses not to mention them. So it kind of leaves me wondering sometimes if I've hurt or offended him in some way and don't know it. I know what you're going to say—that it's not my responsibility to read his mind—and you're right, it's not. But I still do want to be sensitive; I don't want to go around hurting people unintentionally.

 

On a related side note, how do you get people to open up in relationships? I'd love to have a big, long heart to heart with my BF—if even to only get to know him better!—but I know there's like, a snowball's chance in hell in that ever happening.

[Guitarisgood]

First off that hair could be any ones. I have a fair few female friends whom it is natural to hug and such hairs could be anywhere. Don't apologize, you've done nothing wrong. If you feel bad, just show it in your actions. Be more nice to him - cook him his favourite meal, do something special for him.

[losangelena]

Well, why should you apologize? You didn't actually accuse your boyfriend of cheating. All you did was comment that you didn't know whose stray hair was attached to the shirt you'd just put on. Don't make a mountain of a mow hill.

 

But, if you're really wondering whose hair it is, buy a commercial hair analysis kit and test it.

 

Well, it could have seemed like I was suggesting it was a possibility by asking. I mean, why bring it up at all, right? Why ask him? So I didn't outright accuse him, but it could have seemed like I was in an indirect way.

 

Tangential to my last post, I was thinking that apologizing might be a better way into a deeper conversation about the relationship than accusing him of something. Saying, "hey, I hope this didn't offend you," is probably an easier thing to hear than a suggestion that you're cheating.

 

I know a lot of you will say that if I want to have a deeper conversation, that I should just start one, but it's not that easy. The last time I tried, the BF thought I was attacking him and kind of shut down. I'm afraid of that happening again. Hence wanting to find maybe another way in.

[jen1447]

On a related side note, how do you get people to open up in relationships?

By clamming up about the things that are on your mind, like stray hairs!

 

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[losangelena]

First off that hair could be any ones. I have a fair few female friends whom it is natural to hug and such hairs could be anywhere. Don't apologize, you've done nothing wrong. If you feel bad, just show it in your actions. Be more nice to him - cook him his favourite meal, do something special for him.

 

For the record, I know the hair is my friends. I'm not worried about that.

 

As far as nice things are concerned, does a BJ count? lol

[Gaeta]

hhmm don't be so quick to dismiss the hair. If I were you next time he's in the shower I'd inspect that bedspread again. In my last long term relationship that's how I started suspecting he was cheating, I found hair on top of our bedspread that didn't belong to me. Then receipts for 2 started popping up, hotel keys, etc.

 

Don't ask a man for a heart to heart and don't ask him how he feels that's gonna have him run for the hills instead start talking about a topic and ask him what he thinks about it. If you want to learn what's in his heart talk to his head. Much less threatening for men.

[losangelena]

Anyone else?

[Gaeta]

Oh that's weird I posted a reply in this thread but I don't see it.

 

Personally I would not dismiss the hair too quickly and I would inspect that bed spread one more time. That's how I started being suspicious about my ex cheating, it started with an unknown hair on our bed spread soon after I started finding restaurant receipts for 2, hotel keys in his pockets, women's scarfs in his car etc.

 

You don't owe him an apology as you didn't accuse him of anything you were just thinking out loud. If he has nothing to hide than he should have forgotten about it already.

[mammasita]

He sounds a lot like my BF.....nothing bothers him, he's soooooooo simple minded (not in a bad way.....just very one browser window at a time) and if I were to say something like that I would be ALL in my head - just like you (with 800 browser windows open) for days whereas he would have been onto something else, literally 2 seconds later.

 

As an example, if I did bring it up again, the BF would be very understanding because he knows how my mind works overtime with a gazillion thoughts.

 

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. If it makes you feel better bring it up and explain that its bothering you simply because you feel like your statement might have come across somewhat accusatory and that wasn't your intention. IMO, you'll feel better.

[Diezel]

You only want to apologize because you think it might get him to react in a certain way.

 

I don't like it.

 

If he isn't dwelling on it, neither should you.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you should drop it. The matter is resolved. Why keep it on his radar or yours?

 

I've also noticed that you tend to take too much responsibility for things. You didn't accuse him. You just said out loud what you were wondering. And he reassured you that you had nothing to worry about. Finished.

 

Being overly nice and assuming too much responsibility for things is a recipe for stress and anxiety, and it's not attractive or magnetic. I say let it go.

[losangelena]

You only want to apologize because you think it might get him to react in a certain way.

 

I don't like it.

 

If he isn't dwelling on it, neither should you.

 

Can you explain what you mean by "You only want to apologize because you think it might get him to react in a certain way?"

 

I want to apologize because I feel bad for potentially offending him.

 

And that's the problem—because he's not the type to express his feelings, I don't know if he's dwelling on it or not. Hence not knowing whether to bring it up or not.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Has your bf been acting weird or "off" since the hair strand incident? If not, he probably already forgot about it, and so should you. If you bring it up again, he might think that you're worried that it might be another woman's hair (which is usually indicative of cheating unless he has female friends that visit him at his place and in his bedroom). Also, note his behavior from this point forward...just in case.

 

And um...if I were you, (unless you're positively ABSOLUTELY certain that the strand of hair you found on your bf's bed is your friend's because you borrowed her car) I'd keep a mental note of what the hair strand looked like and what the day and date was that you found it...just in case. Store that info wayyyy in the back of your mind and file it away and go on with your life with him. Remember what Gaeta said happened to her with her bf? I mean, it's probably a 99.9% possibility that yours isn't cheating on you. It's amazing when little things like this happen that instantly put some of us on the alert, y'know?

 

 

.

[minime13]

Can you explain what you mean by "You only want to apologize because you think it might get him to react in a certain way?"

 

I want to apologize because I feel bad for potentially offending him.

 

And that's the problem—because he's not the type to express his feelings, I don't know if he's dwelling on it or not. Hence not knowing whether to bring it up or not.

 

Don't make it a routine to apologize for doing something that need no apology, because you may feel that he may be offended over something because he doesn't open up about his feelings.

 

That will set a bad precedent in your relationship. You will eventually find yourself walking on eggshells and not being you because something you may say may offend him and he'll react instead of just talking to you like a grown up should.

 

That being said - you didn't accuse him. You know it's your friend's hair. He didn't appear to be bothered by it. So don't bring it up again.

 

Don't over-analyze everything, because that will cause more problems than solve them.

[lana-banana]

From your previous threads about this guy he definitely doesn't strike me as the sensitive type. If he hasn't brought it up he's probably forgotten about it already, so you should too. (On the other hand, my boyfriend would immediately make a joke about his other girlfriends, then clarify that he was kidding of course and apologize for possibly having hurt my feelings.)

 

And speaking as someone with long hair: nothing in my immediate vicinity is safe. I shed like a nervous dog.

[losangelena]

Hey thanks everyone.

 

Yes, I know I have a tendency to take too much responsibility for things at times. It's happened in the past where I'll have said or done something that inadvertently hurt someone, and am then left to figure it out on my own, so I'm a bit paranoid of that happening here.

 

He seemed fine after that incident—maybe a little quite, but that's nothing too out of the ordinary for him. Tuesday I texted him and he took hours to reply; yesterday I didn't hear from him at all. Again, not totally strange, but the lack of communication, plus what happened this weekend are starting to concern me. It's that stupid anxiety math—where x + y = OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING.

 

Now, my rational mind is telling me that I shouldn't even want to be with someone who is just going to disappear like that if something's wrong. I mean, even if there was a subtext of "are you cheating" in that interaction, should that have really been enough to drive someone away? Why would he not care enough about the relationship to even say something? I guess I have abandonment fears or something, 'cause this is causing me a lot of anxiety.