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What if I can't fall in love...


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Can't decide if this is me thinking aloud or just asking for advice.

 

I've just started seeing someone new and things are off to a great start. We laugh, get long great, wonderful sex. It's all very positive.

 

Yet, while I like her.. I can already see myself thinking "what if I can't fall in love with her..."

 

I haven't fallen in love in a very, very long time (10 years+ now).

 

I've had relationships, but something inside of me keeps me from making that final transition into love. All I seem to be capable of is "deep caring".

 

She's a single mother and she's already had to deal with a string of guys dating her short term and disgarding her.

I feel terrible at the thought of doing that to her. Of being the next in a line of disappointments.

 

We've been open about how we feel and we're trying to take it slowly.

 

I understand that dating and love is about risk. That it's impossible to have any kind of relationship without the risk of heart break.

 

I'm just so tired of hurting people.

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She's a big girl, just always-always-always be honest.

 

I know. I just find it hard to draw the line between feeling empathy for other people and being responsible for them.

 

Just wish I could know in advance how I was going to feel, so we could just avoid the worst of it.

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Ive never been in love either. I don't think this is abnormal. Besides , being in love can take many forms I think. Its not restricted to what we imagine it to be.

 

Dont be feeling bad. You have to date to determine whether or not this could work. That includes heartbreak and pain sometimes, which is inevitable and totally normal. Its how e cycle of life works.

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Hey Neo,

 

First off don't worry about if you fall in love with her or not as you said dating involves risks and that is one of them.

 

The question I have for you do you think there is any underlying reason why you can't fall in love? I might be way off base here but I can only speak from my own experience in that I was unable to fall in love with anyone for a very long time. Sure I could care deeply about people but not love.

 

It was only after a death of a close friend I seeked counselling and it came to the surface I had deep seeded trust issues which I was very much in denial about stemming from my childhood. Basically I would always close people off at a certain point to protect myself rather than just letting myself feel what should come naturally.

 

It took quite a bit of self reflection and counselling but I have gotten past those issues and am able to fall in love. Once again not saying this is the case with you but for a long time I was completely oblivious that their was an underlying cause for me. Something to consider maybe?

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Ive never been in love either. I don't think this is abnormal. Besides , being in love can take many forms I think. Its not restricted to what we imagine it to be.

 

Dont be feeling bad. You have to date to determine whether or not this could work. That includes heartbreak and pain sometimes, which is inevitable and totally normal. Its how e cycle of life works.

 

I will do the best I can to be open and honest with her.

 

If the feelings haven't grown deeper within 1-2 months, I will tell her so and let her find someone who can love her.

 

It's all I can do. In the mean time, I'll show her a good time, respect her and treat her the best I can.

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The question I have for you do you think there is any underlying reason why you can't fall in love? I might be way off base here but I can only speak from my own experience in that I was unable to fall in love with anyone for a very long time. Sure I could care deeply about people but not love.

 

I went through (.. and caused) a very trumatic breakup with my ex partner of 6 years. I struggled for many years with the guilt and shame of those events and in some respects, it's left me mistrustful of my own feelings.

 

I developed feelings for a woman I worked with. It shouldn't have been allowed to happen, but my feelings and poor choices lead me down an increditably destructive path.

 

I don't trust my feelings. I used too, but I've come to understand they don't have my best interests at heart. Now, I'm far more objective, far less willing to listen to them. Far less likely to allow them to drag me down the wrong path again. I refuse to risk making that mistake again. It CAN NOT be allowed to happen again.

 

*sigh*

 

Perhaps Threapy wouldn't be such a bad idea...

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Ah man that really sucks. You do sound a lot like me several years ago. Different reasons but I was intentionally refusing to let my emotions out of the box. Even to let them out to resolve the past which is really important in order to move forward, it sucks, it's not easy but you need to do it in order to move on.

 

So you made a bad life choice guess what we all do, we all **** up along the way we are only human. Yes you hurt someone you cared about deeply it was bad idea but as long as you learn from that it's ok you are allowed to forgive yourself.

 

Counselling might be a good idea. It definitely helped me to be able to move on from the spectres of my past and have meaningful relationships again.

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I will do the best I can to be open and honest with her.

 

If the feelings haven't grown deeper within 1-2 months, I will tell her so and let her find someone who can love her.

 

It's all I can do. In the mean time, I'll show her a good time, respect her and treat her the best I can.

 

Who knows, maybe she'd be ok with that too.

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I will do the best I can to be open and honest with her.

 

If the feelings haven't grown deeper within 1-2 months, I will tell her so and let her find someone who can love her.

 

It's all I can do. In the mean time, I'll show her a good time, respect her and treat her the best I can.

 

Poets and songwriters have mused about the time limits people put on falling in love, and how that always backfires for them.

 

So, why you are putting a time limit on falling in love..."within 1-2 months." What if it takes you longer than that with this woman to fall in love with her? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Don't be so rigid. Just relax and let the feelings you both have for each other naturally evolve and unfold.

 

Do you always put a 1-2 month time limit on the women you date?

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Mrlonelyone

Maybe it is not a problem. You haven't "fallen in love" in ten years.

 

Remember how good candy and ice cream were as a kid, how happy they made you? Well as an adult you still like ice cream and candy right? But they aren't going to drive you into the frenzy they did as a kid.

 

"love" and sex can be like that. They were the ice cream and candy of your teens and early 20's. Now that you are what in your 30's or 40's... they are the ice cream and candy of your adult years. Still nice to have but your taste for them has matured, mellowed, softened.

 

In short, your deep caring, may be how you feel love now that you are older.

 

Just something to think about.

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Do you always put a 1-2 month time limit on the women you date?

 

No, I don't usually put a time limit on feelings. But I'm 36 years old now. I want to get married, have children of my own. I don't have the time to play "wait and see" like I did when I was in my 20's.

 

I don't believe it should take more than 2 months to figure out if you're in love with someone. There's got to be a point where you say "Yeah, these feelings aren't getting any deeper".

 

Worst is the feeling of having a woman, a kind and caring person look you in the eyes and say "I love you" and be left with "umm.. thanks? I think you're pretty.. great?" Been through that a few times now. It is very unpleasant for all concerned.

 

I'm just sick of hurting people. I know logically it can't be helped, but these are good women, good people. They deserve better than having their love thrown back in their faces. I don't want to lead people on, or waste their time. I don't want to be "wishy washy".

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In short, your deep caring, may be how you feel love now that you are older.

Just something to think about.

 

You make a good point and it's something I've considered myself on a couple of occassions.

 

The problem I've found is that "deep caring" doesn't feel like "love" to me. It just feels like deep caring.

 

It isn't passionate or romantic. The women I've dated wanted *more* than just "deep caring". They wanted love. Romantic love. The "I'm thinking of you. I can't wait to get home and tear your clothes off" kind of passion.

 

Perhaps I'm naieve, but I wanted to marry a woman, not because "she'd do" but because I couldn't imagine *not* spending the rest of my life with her. I want to *want* her. Not just "care deeply".

 

Perhaps that's an unrealistic expectation.

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No, I don't usually put a time limit on feelings. But I'm 36 years old now. I want to get married, have children of my own. I don't have the time to play "wait and see" like I did when I was in my 20's.

 

No one has time to play "wait and see" where finding true love is concerned. The only problem is, that's usually what happens. Humans try to control their "true love timeline" with tools like online dating, blind dates, and placeholder relationships. But those tools don't guarantee anyone true love because true love isn't something you can catch and trap in a bottle like you can a firefly. Those kinds of relationships are short-lived anyway (one night stands).

 

I don't believe it should take more than 2 months to figure out if you're in love with someone. There's got to be a point where you say "Yeah, these feelings aren't getting any deeper".

 

Ah, grasshopper but it can with some people. That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself and the other person. Yes, there is a point where you know whether or not you see yourself long-term with a person. But at the 1-2 month mark? That's like expecting every woman you meet to fit into a size 6 shoe, when her shoe size may be a 7 or an 8. You just know when you know. Love isn't rigid. You can't fit love in a 1-2 month box like that. It's unrealistic and it will backfire on you. Guaranteed.

 

Worst is the feeling of having a woman, a kind and caring person look you in the eyes and say "I love you" and be left with "umm.. thanks? I think you're pretty.. great?" Been through that a few times now. It is very unpleasant for all concerned.

 

So, is that how you feel about this single mother whom you've already slept with now? Just tepid feelings of "ho hum" with her? Then cut her loose.

 

Of course that's an unpleasant realization when you figure out that you don't feel that "va va voom" with the person whom you've been physically and emotionally intimate with. But then you do the right thing and let them go, so that you both can continue your search for someone truly compatible. What other way is there to address rejection than head on, honestly with the person.

 

I'm just sick of hurting people. I know logically it can't be helped, but these are good women, good people. They deserve better than having their love thrown back in their faces. I don't want to lead people on, or waste their time. I don't want to be "wishy washy"

 

Well, if you don't want pain, then don't pursue a relationship. You logically know that the pursuit of love and happiness involves rejection, loss, and pain. That's part of the journey. If you don't want to be wishy-washy and you don't want to lead women on, then just don't. Continue to be yourself. Be honest. That's all the world expects from you.

 

 

The problem I've found is that "deep caring" doesn't feel like "love" to me. It just feels like deep caring.

 

It isn't passionate or romantic. The women I've dated wanted *more* than just "deep caring". They wanted love. Romantic love. The "I'm thinking of you. I can't wait to get home and tear your clothes off" kind of passion.

 

No, deep caring isn't true love. It's close but no cigar. At least you recognize that now about yourself. So when you hit the wall of deep caring with a woman you're dating, and you know that there's nothing more that you can offer her - that's when you do that thing you don't like doing. You free her and yourself from a connection that's 'timed out' so you can find one that keeps on ticking like the Energizer Bunny.

 

Perhaps I'm naieve, but I wanted to marry a woman, not because "she'd do" but because I couldn't imagine *not* spending the rest of my life with her. I want to *want* her. Not just "care deeply".

 

You're not naïve. You're an idealist. A romantic. Everyone wants to marry someone because they love the person, not because "they'll do" and be a placeholder. Sure, there are a lot of married couples like that out in the world who married the other person "just because they don't want to be alone." That's not fiction. It's reality. But that's not what you want because you know deep down that you deserve to have real love. We all deserve that. It either happens or it doesn't. That's how I view the search for true love.

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Loads of valuable stuff...

 

I don't feel "meh" about this single mother. I look foward to seeing her, getting to know her better. Perhaps I should just take a breath and let that be enough for now.

 

As you and others have said, conduct yourself with honesty. You may end up hurting people, but that's only a minor slight compared to being lied to, or lead on.

 

Thanks WG.

Thanks for everyone who posted. Thoughts are always appreciated.

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Is lack of attraction an issue? I think you've posted in places that you date women you aren't sexually attracted to. It seemed to me you used your head more than your heart.

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No, I don't usually put a time limit on feelings. But I'm 36 years old now. I want to get married, have children of my own. I don't have the time to play "wait and see" like I did when I was in my 20's.

 

I don't believe it should take more than 2 months to figure out if you're in love with someone. There's got to be a point where you say "Yeah, these feelings aren't getting any deeper".

 

Worst is the feeling of having a woman, a kind and caring person look you in the eyes and say "I love you" and be left with "umm.. thanks? I think you're pretty.. great?" Been through that a few times now. It is very unpleasant for all concerned.

 

I'm just sick of hurting people. I know logically it can't be helped, but these are good women, good people. They deserve better than having their love thrown back in their faces. I don't want to lead people on, or waste their time. I don't want to be "wishy washy".

 

Neo, Honey.

 

Calm down.

 

Sweet heart. I have learnt that sometimes like you say, you can't trust your own feelings. This swings both ways both when someone is bad for you and when they are good for you.

 

You have only just started dating this girl. You like her. You care about her. Now just stop trying to force it and fast forward everything.

 

When I was younger I used to think that love was like a Disney film. Its not. The true lasting love is one that is much deeper than that. Its sticking with someone when you don't even like them very much right now. Its knowing that they are worth sticking by and working through things with.

 

Don't fall into the trap of feeling that you have to do everything by a certain age. There are no time limits, you don't need to panic.

 

What you do need to do is to get to know this girl better and just enjoy spending time with her. Let it marinade for a while. A month or two is absolutely fine. You don't need to push.

 

Lucky sod... sounds like you are having more luck than Geata and I!!! :o

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Neo, Honey.

 

Calm down.

 

Sweet heart. I have learnt that sometimes like you say, you can't trust your own feelings. This swings both ways both when someone is bad for you and when they are good for you.

 

You have only just started dating this girl. You like her. You care about her. Now just stop trying to force it and fast forward everything.

 

When I was younger I used to think that love was like a Disney film. Its not. The true lasting love is one that is much deeper than that. Its sticking with someone when you don't even like them very much right now. Its knowing that they are worth sticking by and working through things with.

 

Don't fall into the trap of feeling that you have to do everything by a certain age. There are no time limits, you don't need to panic.

 

What you do need to do is to get to know this girl better and just enjoy spending time with her. Let it marinade for a while. A month or two is absolutely fine. You don't need to push.

 

Lucky sod... sounds like you are having more luck than Geata and I!!! :o

 

 

Nah.

 

I personally think love is like in a Disney film.

 

Not in the sense that you fall in love instantly. Love at first site aint real. Obviously. However, lust at first site..the butterflies. LIMERENCE. Being infatuated. Having them on your mind like a giddy school girl.

 

That.. True sexual and romantic chemistry COMBINED with the deep love until death do us part through thick and thin EVEN when you don't even like them at times..

 

Neo doesn't want to bypass the heady lust filled stage. That's all. Like most, he finds plenty of nice women who he really clicks with on a friendship level but who he feels little in the way of sparks or chemistry with.

 

Love at first site isn't real but some people do go through that blissful loved up phase where they cannot keep their hands off each other. Where they day dream about making out with their lover. And then they, by a great stroke of luck, end up becoming best friends as well as steamy lovers.

 

OP wants what I want. It happens but it takes a lot longer to feel that lust filled " IN love " feeling with a suitable long term match......

 

He can for in love. It's just not a common thing to feel mutually and with a SUITABLE partner.

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And it doesn't take more than two months to feel IN love.

 

That isn't true love though.

 

Falling IN love happens fast. If it's ever going to happen at all. It's not true love though. It's limerence. It's intense chemistry and fireworks and sparks that are just natural from day one. It's not love. It's Intense lust.

 

Falling IN love sure doesn't take more than two months haha.....

 

Most happy long term couples bypass the intense in love feeling and get straight to the true love part.

 

I don't see what's wrong with the Op. I feel what he's going through is so common..

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Nah.

 

I personally think love is like in a Disney film.

 

Not in the sense that you fall in love instantly. Love at first site aint real. Obviously. However, lust at first site..the butterflies. LIMERENCE. Being infatuated. Having them on your mind like a giddy school girl.

 

That.. True sexual and romantic chemistry COMBINED with the deep love until death do us part through thick and thin EVEN when you don't even like them at times..

 

Neo doesn't want to bypass the heady lust filled stage. That's all. Like most, he finds plenty of nice women who he really clicks with on a friendship level but who he feels little in the way of sparks or chemistry with.

 

Love at first site isn't real but some people do go through that blissful loved up phase where they cannot keep their hands off each other. Where they day dream about making out with their lover. And then they, by a great stroke of luck, end up becoming best friends as well as steamy lovers.

 

OP wants what I want. It happens but it takes a lot longer to feel that lust filled " IN love " feeling with a suitable long term match......

 

He can for in love. It's just not a common thing to feel mutually and with a SUITABLE partner.

 

...and then you dump them to get your next fix of Disneyland and complain about how it just never works out.

 

Nah, Neowulf has already stated he wants marriage and kids which takes a bit more substance than a Disney film and tummy flitters... I think Neowulf wants more substance than you do Leigh. He has his head screwed on and is looking for reality not fantasy...

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Is lack of attraction an issue? I think you've posted in places that you date women you aren't sexually attracted to. It seemed to me you used your head more than your heart.

 

I'm happy to say that in this respect at least, things are looking up. Her and I share great chemistry together :D

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I don't feel "meh" about this single mother. I look foward to seeing her, getting to know her better. Perhaps I should just take a breath and let that be enough for now.

 

I like your 2 month mark for checking in on how things are progressing, but I don't think it is reasonable to expect a certain feeling of "in love" at that point.

 

Think of it this way: your interest and feelings for her should increase from 0-2 months, and then from 2-6 months. By 6 months, feeling in love is a reasonable expectation.

 

So check in at 2 months. Do you feel more attachment and desire to have her as part of your life, or less?

 

And then check in again at 6 months. More, or less?

 

It should start with solid interest, and steadily increase from there. If it starts moving the other way, be honest and cut her loose.

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I'm happy to say that in this respect at least, things are looking up. Her and I share great chemistry together :D

 

i change my comment from lucky you to jammy git! :D

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...and then you dump them to get your next fix of Disneyland and complain about how it just never works out.

 

Nah, Neowulf has already stated he wants marriage and kids which takes a bit more substance than a Disney film and tummy flitters... I think Neowulf wants more substance than you do Leigh. He has his head screwed on and is looking for reality not fantasy...

 

My ex of 6 years and I shared a bond like the one Leigh described. But you know what, despite how much I loved her, we weren't right for each other.

 

I am looking for substance over butterflies. Yet, I also acknowledge that being in love with someone, when you really feel it, is a very singular experience.

 

For me love is feeling something solely and uniquely for a person. The way you feel about them stands apart from how you feel about any other.

 

There's a deep respect, an admiration of them. There's the friendship, the laugher. The shared understanding.

 

There's knowing that no matter what,if they needed you, you'd do everything in your power to help them. Treating their problems with the same concern as you would your own.

 

Kindness, compassion, support.

 

... Eh, maybe I do have the Disney version of love in my head ?

My idealism could use a solid dose of reality...

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Can't decide if this is me thinking aloud or just asking for advice.

 

I've just started seeing someone new and things are off to a great start. We laugh, get long great, wonderful sex. It's all very positive.

 

Yet, while I like her.. I can already see myself thinking "what if I can't fall in love with her..."

 

I haven't fallen in love in a very, very long time (10 years+ now).

 

I've had relationships, but something inside of me keeps me from making that final transition into love. All I seem to be capable of is "deep caring".

 

She's a single mother and she's already had to deal with a string of guys dating her short term and disgarding her.

I feel terrible at the thought of doing that to her. Of being the next in a line of disappointments.

 

We've been open about how we feel and we're trying to take it slowly.

 

I understand that dating and love is about risk. That it's impossible to have any kind of relationship without the risk of heart break.

 

I'm just so tired of hurting people.

 

Honesty goes a long way. Communication is key in any relationship. I understand how you feel. After my devastating divorce, I wonder the same thing. I know that I can love, but I don't know if I can fall in love. Just live each day as it comes, don't worry about the future of your relationship b/c you will eventually sabotage it with your thoughts. I know, I've done this. Just be honest, to her and yourself. Good luck!

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