Extremely Clingy - Something's Off

[openeyes]

I am engaged to be married, but I'm now sure I want to break up. I am in the midst of conversations with fiance about it and have yet to make final statement of breaking up.

 

I feel embarrassed and mad at myself for not coming to this conclusion sooner or for not trusting my gut and being more assertive throughout relationship. I am mostly sorry for bringing my children into it and jerking their emotions around with this sudden change.

 

Here's the background and I will jump in and explain the areas all along the way that had me thinking, "WHOA! What??" And, yet, all along I kept falling for it and wanting the fantasy I suppose. Just as I have thought when reading other people's stories, you may read mine and think, "What were you thinking?!"

 

I met my current fiance online. We live an hour and 1/2 away from each other. My ex-husband had moved out of the house just over a year before and we were still in the midst of a long drawn out divorce. I was alone raising a 5 and 3 year old. I never thought I'd do the online dating thing, but I was wondering where else I would meet someone. I had a few dates and was having fun and practicing my boundary setting. I was never going to fall for abusive person or disregard red flags again! (Ha!)

 

We met for a hike on first date after a lot of texting before then for a couple of weeks. Spent entire day chatting away. He revealed A LOT about himself. I just let him talk mostly. He acknowledged he talked a lot and that he said stuff he didn't think he'd say on first date. Like that he had 2 ex girlfriends. 2 kids with one and 1 child with the other. (I knew he had 3 kids when first started talking, but he revealed 2 moms this day.) He also told me he had a problem with alcohol (he said was big part of why his relationships ended) and that he was now going on 3 years sober. I thought, "whatever, we're almost 40. People have pasts." He said the last girlfriend and he split about the same time my husband and I did, so I thought it had been a while. Later, I realized the timeline was that she stayed at the house but they "hated each other" and "were not intimate" and she had just moved out the December before he & I met the next summer. How many red flags had I already ignored? STUPID me, went to his house later and we had sex. AMAZING sex. He wanted me to spend the night and was quite persistent, but I resisted. Oooh, so proud of my boundaries. HA!

 

He continued to text me A LOT! Texting was fairly new to me, so I had some fun with it. He called me and had a short phone conversation wherein he invited me on second date (2 weeks later) to spend the night at a resort because I had joked about it on first date. I said yes. ?!! On second date he told me (after sex) that his first girlfriend had restraining order on him when the split but that she had it removed and it was "all a ploy to get better child support in court." He CRIED while he was telling me (which is something I came to see he does ALL THE TIME!!!) I told him I'd be honest that this news scared me and that I promised self I'd not fall for bad news guy again. But, he had my sympathy and I excused it. As I write this now I just can't believe I did all this.

 

I know this is getting long, so I'll try to be briefer. He started calling a lot and we'd talk for 5 - 6 hours! ??!! We were "soul mates" He had "Fallen" for me. We friended on facebook and he'd post songs and song lyrics and I'd gag but think, ahh...he's kinda cute and romantic. This was couple months in. My kids go to father's every other weekend, so I'd spend most of that time with him. So much so, that I gave up a great job working online at home because I really had no more time. ??!!

 

He always wanted to move things along with meeting kids, etc. I ended up spending a long weekend in another state to meet his parents. I met his kids just before then and he talked me into meeting my family and kids early too. I felt at the time like I was always trying to put on brakes, but he was smooth and pushed it.

 

Oh, one time in the beginning he was at my house and we were looking at childhood albums (because previously he had me looking at his photos, long drawn out stories about all of them.) He showed little to know interest in mine. Later, I go to his house and my album is there in his room!!! I was creeped out. Yelled at him that it was weird. He talked way around it saying he knew he didn't show much interest when we were at my house so he just happened to grab it on his way out to look at it together later. ??!!

 

He does this annoying thing (has since beginning) where he has to keep coming back for ONE MORE KISS. Even so bad that if I'm driving behind him, he'll stop at stop sign, get out and come kiss me. I'm always like, "Dude...stop it!" But he says he just can't help it. SOOOooo many clingy things like that.

 

Repeated pattern of giving me major guilt trip for going out with friends or having ANY other plans than with him. Later, loosened up but I still get gut feeling it is HARD for him to loosen up and it will repeat itself.

 

I feel stalked online. If he "sees" that I'm on facebook, will immediately message me or call.

 

If I miss a phone call or text, I get more phone calls or texts and he whines.

Has shown up unannounced and can't understand why I'm annoyed.

 

Sooooo, looooong story short. On our one year anniversary he proposed to me at spot we met. I said yes. But, I said, wait at least year to marry. He pushed that for a bit. Then, I agreed to move me & my kids to his county and have blended family. We started getting my house ready for sale but then I WOKE UP!! I can't do this.

 

He borrowed $1000 from me a couple months ago and still when we talk about it never can tell me when he will pay me back, just SOOO offended I think he won't. He works construction and gets laid off during winter so he was "just getting rent paid" but now I learn he is still behind on rent, has bills to pay, etc. but won't pay me yet. ???!!!

 

I learned he has $300 to his name and $4000 in credit card debt but he's confident we should buy a small house together and shove 5 kids in to it (with varying schedules with exes) and he rents, so all the down payment would come from selling my house.

 

SO MUCH MORE that just irks me through our "whirlwind" romance, but haven't I said enough?

 

I have told him I'm not moving. Said it was a lot to do with his insecurities, even finances, but mostly that I decided this wasn't best for me and my children right now. I have FINALLY got him to give me a few days of silence without phone or text and he wants me to come down this weekend for my birthday, but I don't even want to. Says we don't have to talk about "this" but I don't want a fake day. Says when we do talk about it again, he has thought of some other options.

 

Well, any of your thoughts are appreciated. I guess mostly I want validation that I'm not a commitment phobe (I can't believe I just said that and I want advice for fear he'll be too clingy to break up with .

 

THANK YOU!

[frogs88]

sorry for being blunt did he injure his balls in a construction related accident? I get that not all men are silent, emotionless rocks and some are more sensitive and stuff but darn this is smothering with a capital S. I don't think most people are equipped with this kind of clinginess. At least I know from experience that I can't deal with a lot less closeness.

 

All I can say is tough love and good luck - sometimes you just gotta be hard.

[Yookie]

Good thing you woke up before the nuptials! Never loan money that you can't afford to lose permanently. He is not going to pay you back sorry. You need to distance yourself from him as quickly as possible. You may end up needing a restraining order also.

[openeyes]

yes, tough love is in order.

 

I just have to vent and add some other weird things he has said to me that have me thinking this guy has been this way with past relationships and knows very well what he is doing. Just not sure he can or wants to change.

 

I have very blunt conversations with him about his insecurities and that I don't want to be his obsession or an addiction to him. He confesses that he knows it seems that way and that he is very insecure but he wants to change. He wants to change for me. Sure, sure....

 

I realized this may not be possible when he told me one way I can help him change is that when he texts me too much or calls I should not feel compelled to answer right off or jump when he says jump. So, basically, instead of him doing something different, I should just FEEL different about what he does. Uh, noooo.

 

He has told me since early on that he has addictive personality, is OCD (he does have a lot of repetitious and perfectionist things he has to do) and is socially awkward. He has no friends. Only some kind of through work, that he mostly complains about. Says all his friends were drinking buddies and can't do that now. He moved from another state and has been here almost 18 years, but no friends?! So, he admits he has way more time to sit and think about me while I am a single mom trying to juggle 2 jobs and 2 kids and his neediness!

 

He says that he wants to see me and talk to me every.single.day.of.his.life. He says he wants us both to have our own interests and get away from each other now and then and says that he thinks his neediness will be less if we lived together because he'd see me more and be OK with me doing more outside of home. Uhhhh, doubt it. He'd probably worry MORE if I wanted to leave. He literally told me once, "I don't know why if you are on Facebook you wouldn't just call me or answer my phone. You are home and not doing anything, so why wouldn't you want to talk to me?" I told him I could be doing laundry, reading a book, painting my nails, reading facebook. I don't have to call him every waking minute but that offended him. If I loved him....

ugh.

Edited May 26, 2015 by openeyes

[frogs88]

I have very blunt conversations with him about his insecurities and that I don't want to be his obsession or an addiction to him. He confesses that he knows it seems that way and that he is very insecure but he wants to change. He wants to change for me. Sure, sure....

 

If he has been this way from the beginning that's generally bad news tbh. Either it's his natural state or he's been that way for way too long because of reasons. extreme clinginess makes me feel nauseated and suffocated. I'm no claustrophobic but I guess that'd what it feels like.

 

The whole making you feel responsible for their happiness is also part of the game. It's a tactic that's supposed to draw you in deeper and deeper. Until you feel there's no way out anymore.

[openeyes]

you got it! It is suffocating. I do think he's just been this way for far too long and that often times these tactics have worked for him. I can see he finds excuses about why other relationships ended, so he may not realize that he just really can't keep a woman acting this way!

 

His first ex is very cool and she and I get along well. I really like her and I've actually found myself sticking up for her a lot when he's complaining about stuff between him and her as they have 2 kids together and live down road from each other (she lives in the house he built for them.) She has remarried. His excuse about their split was that he was alcoholic, and not a nice one. What was I thinking??

 

His second ex hates me and I've heard bizarre phone messages she leaves him and stuff, so I can believe him when he says he just couldn't stand her and basically had just got her pregnant and tried to make it work. But, still...he tells me how she was always leaving him with the baby to stay with family and how when she wanted to leave in the fall, he wanted her to stay and she went and stayed in a shelter. He said she did it as a ploy to get state assistance claiming he wouldn't let her stay with him. he says that's a lie but now I wonder. creeeeepy

[beach]

I don't blame you for feeling this way.

 

He's now borrowed $1000 too - I'd be wanting my money back. The more you pull away emotionally (and it looks like you want to) the less likely you will be repaid.

 

Have you told him you want distance?

[openeyes]

Our last talk, I told him I need at least one full week of no contact. (I had to be very specific, because he had failed to give me space a couple other recent times.) He agreed.

 

12 hours later, he texted that he NEEEDED to talk to me for clarification of something I had said. He said, "I know I'm not supposed to be contacting you, but it hasn't been 24 hours so figured I was safe."

 

Stupid me, I called him. He said he wanted to know what I meant when he was leaving my house in the morning and I said, "Don't worry about those things I said last night. I need time to think." So, he was looking for something to cling onto.

 

He said he doesn't want to press me for answers, but that's exactly what he does. I told him, "to clarify, I mean it when I say I'm not moving now, but I don't know what that means for our future. I need to think."

 

Since then, he has liked an instagram post and commented but I haven't had a text or phone call from him in 3 days. That has NEVER happened in our relationship. I wonder if he can make it a week. In the mean time I finally feel like I can have my own thoughts without his persuasions.

[openeyes]

and, at this point, if he's going to be hard to break up with, I'm willing to part with $1000. Sucks, But I can see him using that as a way to stay in contact.

[GemmaUK]

Scary stuff!

You have to get out of this relationship right now.

I would forget about the $1000 just to get myself away.

 

He sounds like the US version of my ex pretty much.

We were together just 7 months and I only got rid of him the third attempt at breaking up. The only reason I managed to get away that time was that I ended it by text on that occasion.

 

 

Take a look here

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions

It's literally a list of books to get you to understand what he is doing and how it could turn out. If you read nothing else then please read the first book there - The Jealousy Game. It's either free or a about a dollar on Kindle (for which you can download a free app) and it only takes a couple of hours to read.

 

With my guy, we had some mutual friends - a really lovely couple who met and then a year later they sold up and moved in together, A few months after that they were engaged. They have a good strong healthy relationship. I knew my guy was thinking we would be the mirror image of those two. We even came from the same towns and were about the same age.

Trouble was, our relationship was just smothering (for one) just like yours is.

I pretty much figured how it would all pan out if I did stay. He would propose and want me to sell up, he had already told me his plans for 'us' of living in a rural location in a converted barn and he wanted to get me a German Shepherd dog (a breed I am terrified of after being attacked by one twice) to look after me while he worked away all week.

He saw no need for me to work nor leave the house during the week (I don't drive) and his plan was to have our life at weekends and he would take me out anywhere I needed to go.

 

I didn't quite realise the choices I relly might not have when I was still with him, it was only after through learning about these type of guys that I figured it all out.

 

Please just get away.

Don't go there for your birthday.

The weekend I saw my guy for my birthday (as it happens) was the last weekend I saw him. We had a row about his controlling behaviour and I ended up running and locking myself in the toilet for the night when he raised his hand to hit me.

[openeyes]

GemmaUK, I'm so sorry that happened to you! Thank you for sharing your story with me. And, for including the story about your friends and their healthy version of a relatively quick marriage.

 

There is a tiny part of me that had been thinking, "maybe it's not THAT fast..." Maybe it is so romantic and he can change. But, if I'm REALLY honest with myself, I've been struggling for a long time and instead of feeling easier with it all, he just keeps validating early fears.

 

I used to think I was being a bit paranoid. Too guarded. My ex-husband was emotionally, sexually, financially abusive. So, when this guy was so attentive and caring I just fell for it.

 

I really have to pull up my big girl panties and accomplish an assertive quick break up. Even if I do feel foolish and bad for his kids, my kids, my parents, anyone involved in the fantasy.

 

I told my kids we aren't moving. My son was very upset, but I know we'll be OK. My parents were happy for me doing what I feel is best, but I couldn't tell them all the other reasons. I just said I'm not ready for that much change and blending families. I think part of me is embarrassed to tell them I fell for another *******.

[GemmaUK]

Don't feel bad/ashamed at all.

 

These guys are manipulative and they know how to do this, they have stacks of experience that has worked so far to certain degrees.

Manipulation in different ways takes planning and it's easier to plan things than it is to react to immediate incidents.

If you knew your kitchen was going to flood then you would take action to solve it. When you don't know it's going to happen the first thing you feel is crushed and then you have to mop up the problem..ya know?

 

It's not your fault. He is good at this.

Not so good that other ex's haven't figured him out though.

 

Just one other thing, can you be 100% sure that it really is his last ex constantly getting in touch with him and hating you for her own reasons or..well..maybe he is still pushing her buttons and at the same time spouting a pile of lies about you to her. I could be wrong but I wouldn't fully believe what was going on until I actually spoke to her if ever the chance arose.

 

You and your kids will be fine.

Learning signs to look for and trusting your instinct will be your way forward from this. xx

[preraph]

Look, I stopped reading at "restraining order." Whatever the reason she got one, she got one! Whether it's because he isn't paying child support or enough of it or he's abusive, any of that is BAD. You can't hear her version, but I'm sure he's cleaned his version up considerably.

 

Don't marry this guy. Your kids don't need that.

 

Also, it doesn't cost much at all to do an online background check. You should do one in the county the restraining order was taken out. Just pay the $25 or whatever it is and do an online one and then if you can find out some things and not others, then go get the records from the county records office.

[openeyes]

yeah...I have thought about the ways in which he may be pushing his exes buttons still. That, and he seems to have constant drama with them. Sure, I've spouted off about my ex from time to time, but we seem to have to have daily talks about his last encounter with ex1 or ex2. Maybe he's not over them.

 

I wish I could talk to both of them, but really I feel I'd be crossing a boundary that would only serve to quench my curiosity. I felt like they could validate my feelings about this...but then I realize I don't need it. I'm thankful you all have validated my thoughts and can offer advice I need to hear. And, I do just need to trust my gut.

 

When I chose to divorce my husband, I said I saw red flags at beginning of our relationship and I said I'd never not listen to myself again. I was deaf to myself for the last year and a half, but I'm listening now.

 

Now, I just need to be less fearful of the next steps. Coming to terms with the fact that I don't need to carry guilt. admitting I was swept up in our romance, but I know still that even though he may think I was faking it along the way...there was hardly any chance to do anything but get swept up it in. I was letting him tell me what our relationship was and what our future was and what we needed.

 

So many times after just leaving me or only hours between talking, he'd say, "Did you miss me?" uhhh...NO! But, I'd say, "I just saw you." And he'd say. "I missed you. Did you miss me?" He basically would just force a response.

[openeyes]

Well, I just got done sharing with you today that he hasn't called or texted in 3 days since I asked hi to wait a week. It's 9:30 at night and guess who is texting me? Of course the texts are vague, "fishing for response" texts he always uses. Like, "I have a question for you?" Ok, then...just put the question in your text! I'm not replying. I'm reading the book that was recommended above.

[openeyes]

Sorry to keep going on and on here, but I guess it helps me to let it all out in one place so I can read it if I start to slip into guilty feelings of ending the relationship.

 

I just read the Jealousy Game on kindle for free. Good quick read. Some of it seemed way more than what I'm experiencing, but the message came through...what I have could get worse and shows real symptoms of dangerous and at least unhealthy relationship.

 

Here is just a random list of some other "off" things in our relationship that fit the "symptoms" listed in that book...

 

In the beginning of our relationship, he pressed me for details of my past. Asked for my most private secrets. No shame, just asked right out. And, dumb me...I divulged TOO MUCH.

 

He also pressed and pressed about my dating experience just before I met him. When I told him about 2 guys, he was visibly upset but (as he always does) his words were that it didn't matter, he shouldn't ask anyway, etc.

 

He kept pressing about it to the point that I told him I met one of them twice. He made me cry and feel a ton of guilt because I "LIED" to him. This went on for a lot of conversations. I told my friend about it and she was helping me see he was being and ASS, but I ended up accepting his apology finally. I always said throughout the past year and a half, "We have fights, but he always comes around to apologizing and understanding, or I do." Now I see it isn't really that easy. A lot of words not held up by feelings or actions.

 

On the topic of privacy - he was snooping in my closet first time he came to my house and I laughingly called him out on it and he never let me down. Got all offended that I thought he was snooping. He didn't "Care" what I have and had no need to snoop...but he ALWAYS snooped in my house. Right under my nose. Imagine what he did when I wasn't there.

 

I have a big ol' storage room that I am embarrassed of because so much junk in there. He went in once and of course was appalled by all the stuff. Later, I locked it up and he would constantly point out that it was WEIRD that I locked it up. What was I hiding?

 

Recently, he "saw something just sitting on top of the garbage bag" as he offered to take bag to the curb. Honestly, I can't remember what it was right now, but I remember thinking....why the hell are you digging through my garbage and mentioning this? It was something insignificant that he was questioning.

 

I believe his jealously is strong, but he's very good at hiding it...or so he thinks. He never says out right weird things about me not talking to guys, but his voice quivers, he'll say, "Oh, a GUY was there?" Things like that. And, he always takes opportunities to tell me when girls are hitting on him or when he perceives they are. I could give a flying f, but he thinks I get jealous. weird.

 

And, he has on many occasions, just OUT OF THE CLEAR BLUE said things like, "IF you EVER cheat on me, I will go crazy. Don't know what I'll do." He goes on and on and I'm just like, "Where did this conversation come from?!"

 

Enough venting. Hoping that if anyone else sees any signs like this in their relationship early on (or ever) they will also LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!

[lucy_in_disguise]

This guy sounds like he has major mental issues. I would worry about letting my kids be around him. Dont marry this guy.

[Gary S]

He does have some serious issues.... restraining order, stealing your photo album, and the list goes on.

 

If you'll date men who have less issues than you do, you'll be a lot better off.

[Redhead14]

I am engaged to be married, but I'm now sure I want to break up. I am in the midst of conversations with fiance about it and have yet to make final statement of breaking up.

 

I feel embarrassed and mad at myself for not coming to this conclusion sooner or for not trusting my gut and being more assertive throughout relationship. I am mostly sorry for bringing my children into it and jerking their emotions around with this sudden change.

 

Here's the background and I will jump in and explain the areas all along the way that had me thinking, "WHOA! What??" And, yet, all along I kept falling for it and wanting the fantasy I suppose. Just as I have thought when reading other people's stories, you may read mine and think, "What were you thinking?!"

 

I met my current fiance online. We live an hour and 1/2 away from each other. My ex-husband had moved out of the house just over a year before and we were still in the midst of a long drawn out divorce. I was alone raising a 5 and 3 year old. I never thought I'd do the online dating thing, but I was wondering where else I would meet someone. I had a few dates and was having fun and practicing my boundary setting. I was never going to fall for abusive person or disregard red flags again! (Ha!)

 

We met for a hike on first date after a lot of texting before then for a couple of weeks. Spent entire day chatting away. He revealed A LOT about himself. I just let him talk mostly. He acknowledged he talked a lot and that he said stuff he didn't think he'd say on first date. Like that he had 2 ex girlfriends. 2 kids with one and 1 child with the other. (I knew he had 3 kids when first started talking, but he revealed 2 moms this day.) He also told me he had a problem with alcohol (he said was big part of why his relationships ended) and that he was now going on 3 years sober. I thought, "whatever, we're almost 40. People have pasts." He said the last girlfriend and he split about the same time my husband and I did, so I thought it had been a while. Later, I realized the timeline was that she stayed at the house but they "hated each other" and "were not intimate" and she had just moved out the December before he & I met the next summer. How many red flags had I already ignored? STUPID me, went to his house later and we had sex. AMAZING sex. He wanted me to spend the night and was quite persistent, but I resisted. Oooh, so proud of my boundaries. HA!

 

He continued to text me A LOT! Texting was fairly new to me, so I had some fun with it. He called me and had a short phone conversation wherein he invited me on second date (2 weeks later) to spend the night at a resort because I had joked about it on first date. I said yes. ?!! On second date he told me (after sex) that his first girlfriend had restraining order on him when the split but that she had it removed and it was "all a ploy to get better child support in court." He CRIED while he was telling me (which is something I came to see he does ALL THE TIME!!!) I told him I'd be honest that this news scared me and that I promised self I'd not fall for bad news guy again. But, he had my sympathy and I excused it. As I write this now I just can't believe I did all this.

 

I know this is getting long, so I'll try to be briefer. He started calling a lot and we'd talk for 5 - 6 hours! ??!! We were "soul mates" He had "Fallen" for me. We friended on facebook and he'd post songs and song lyrics and I'd gag but think, ahh...he's kinda cute and romantic. This was couple months in. My kids go to father's every other weekend, so I'd spend most of that time with him. So much so, that I gave up a great job working online at home because I really had no more time. ??!!

 

He always wanted to move things along with meeting kids, etc. I ended up spending a long weekend in another state to meet his parents. I met his kids just before then and he talked me into meeting my family and kids early too. I felt at the time like I was always trying to put on brakes, but he was smooth and pushed it.

 

Oh, one time in the beginning he was at my house and we were looking at childhood albums (because previously he had me looking at his photos, long drawn out stories about all of them.) He showed little to know interest in mine. Later, I go to his house and my album is there in his room!!! I was creeped out. Yelled at him that it was weird. He talked way around it saying he knew he didn't show much interest when we were at my house so he just happened to grab it on his way out to look at it together later. ??!!

 

He does this annoying thing (has since beginning) where he has to keep coming back for ONE MORE KISS. Even so bad that if I'm driving behind him, he'll stop at stop sign, get out and come kiss me. I'm always like, "Dude...stop it!" But he says he just can't help it. SOOOooo many clingy things like that.

 

Repeated pattern of giving me major guilt trip for going out with friends or having ANY other plans than with him. Later, loosened up but I still get gut feeling it is HARD for him to loosen up and it will repeat itself.

 

I feel stalked online. If he "sees" that I'm on facebook, will immediately message me or call.

 

If I miss a phone call or text, I get more phone calls or texts and he whines.

Has shown up unannounced and can't understand why I'm annoyed.

 

Sooooo, looooong story short. On our one year anniversary he proposed to me at spot we met. I said yes. But, I said, wait at least year to marry. He pushed that for a bit. Then, I agreed to move me & my kids to his county and have blended family. We started getting my house ready for sale but then I WOKE UP!! I can't do this.

 

He borrowed $1000 from me a couple months ago and still when we talk about it never can tell me when he will pay me back, just SOOO offended I think he won't. He works construction and gets laid off during winter so he was "just getting rent paid" but now I learn he is still behind on rent, has bills to pay, etc. but won't pay me yet. ???!!!

 

I learned he has $300 to his name and $4000 in credit card debt but he's confident we should buy a small house together and shove 5 kids in to it (with varying schedules with exes) and he rents, so all the down payment would come from selling my house.

 

SO MUCH MORE that just irks me through our "whirlwind" romance, but haven't I said enough?

 

I have told him I'm not moving. Said it was a lot to do with his insecurities, even finances, but mostly that I decided this wasn't best for me and my children right now. I have FINALLY got him to give me a few days of silence without phone or text and he wants me to come down this weekend for my birthday, but I don't even want to. Says we don't have to talk about "this" but I don't want a fake day. Says when we do talk about it again, he has thought of some other options.

 

Well, any of your thoughts are appreciated. I guess mostly I want validation that I'm not a commitment phobe (I can't believe I just said that and I want advice for fear he'll be too clingy to break up with .

 

THANK YOU!

 

You're not being a commitment phobe, you're just realizing that you shouldn't commit to this guy. To me, it appears that he was looking for a meal ticket.

 

Explain to him that you have observed some things recently that make you question the wisdom of marrying him and that you are moving on. Go no contact from that point on.