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Being the man and taking charge is hard


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Especially when you are 30 and have very limited dating experience.

 

It's like my world is changing that these girls (online) actually want to meet me in person. And I get so nervous and take hours to respond after they suggest times, and then they get weirded out and are like "Let's just talk first." I really should just be making myself uncomfortable and throwing myself into it and wing it. That's the attitude I want.

 

I feel like throwing up to actually put myself in an intimate situation with another human like that, where we both feel like we want to do something with another person or something... and for me to ever be the object of their affection or enjoyment! Ugh!

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Especially when you are 30 and have very limited dating experience.

 

It's like my world is changing that these girls (online) actually want to meet me in person. And I get so nervous and take hours to respond after they suggest times, and then they get weirded out and are like "Let's just talk first." I really should just be making myself uncomfortable and throwing myself into it and wing it. That's the attitude I want.

 

I feel like throwing up to actually put myself in an intimate situation with another human like that, where we both feel like we want to do something with another person or something... and for me to ever be the object of their affection or enjoyment! Ugh!

 

You need to take the plunge.

 

Girls do not always need a guy to take charge straight away. Some like the gentle-man thing in a man. What everyone hates is uncertainty about what they want. You are dilly dallying around and they think you are either playing games or hard to get and then backing away.

 

Stop worrying, stop over-thinking, stop panicking and pull yourself together and go on a date! The quicker you face your fear the quicker you overcome them.

 

30 is old enough! You have ground to make up stop wasting time.

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You need to take the plunge.

 

Girls do not always need a guy to take charge straight away. Some like the gentle-man thing in a man. What everyone hates is uncertainty about what they want. You are dilly dallying around and they think you are either playing games or hard to get and then backing away.

 

Stop worrying, stop over-thinking, stop panicking and pull yourself together and go on a date! The quicker you face your fear the quicker you overcome them.

 

30 is old enough! You have ground to make up stop wasting time.

 

I agree. I see it like hitting a nail with a hammer. You just have to do it, not worry too much if you are going to hit your finger! Just "See you then!" and bam, show up. Be myself. It's not all about making it go right, sometimes personalities aren't a match. It's just about putting myself in the situation and feeling good about myself whether it goes good or bad.

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I agree. I see it like hitting a nail with a hammer. You just have to do it, not worry too much if you are going to hit your finger! Just "See you then!" and bam, show up. Be myself. It's not all about making it go right, sometimes personalities aren't a match. It's just about putting myself in the situation and feeling good about myself whether it goes good or bad.

 

Yep. Exactly the same thing that ran through my mind the first time and amazingly I had a great time. Pure luck but ended in a one night stand.

 

That was all I needed to then take control. Had plenty of good and bad dates since but now I just lead the way.

 

Do it!

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Maybe seek out aggressive women who are looking for passive guys and sit back and let them tell you what to do. (Only partly joking. ;))

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I have to agree with everyone here including the OP. Sunyata, you are being your own biggest problem and believe me, I totally understand! I used to freak out thinking about asking women out, meeting them the first time etc. Of course it was always worry that I'd make a fool out of myself and I did plenty! Eventually it goes away but you'll be an old fart like me when it does, so you just have to overcome it now.

 

Think about this: At my age I don't get nervous about anything anymore. Talking to / meeting women, going on job interviews, public speaking, you name it, and it's because I have experienced so many embarrassing things in my life, there's nothing else to worry about. If I f*ck up, it's just another embarrassing moment on the pile and I move on. The cause of your phobia is looking like an idiot, so once you accept we're all idiots and may as well look like one (the women too), you can have that confidence. I have had nervous women screw up in my presence many times, but I never look down on them because of it and I'm sure you wouldn't either. Give them the same credit.

 

Reasoning aside, I know nothing you think or do will quell the butterflies in your stomach, but as the other posters said, once you get out there and face your fears, you will be a much happier man!

 

Ken

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It just sucks to shoot yourself in the foot before you even get started. You are in the stage of planning a date in a few hours, and you hesitate - simply hesitate - for over an hour... and it all derails! It's like, I had a learning opportunity and now I might not.

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Try and change your mindset a little. Coffee dates/first dates are just one step towards meeting new people and aren't the beginning of a new life with that person (even though that's what the ultimate aim is I'm sure).

 

At least you're getting opportunities to go on dates from the sound of it, that's pretty positive.

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Especially when you are 30 and have very limited dating experience.

 

It's like my world is changing that these girls (online) actually want to meet me in person. And I get so nervous and take hours to respond after they suggest times, and then they get weirded out and are like "Let's just talk first." I really should just be making myself uncomfortable and throwing myself into it and wing it. That's the attitude I want.

 

I feel like throwing up to actually put myself in an intimate situation with another human like that, where we both feel like we want to do something with another person or something... and for me to ever be the object of their affection or enjoyment! Ugh!

 

Do you work-out? lifting makes you feel relaxed, and calm. Nothing phases you after a good work-out session. Your body is filled with feel-good chemicals. Another plus to physical exercise is that you begin to look pretty darn good. Women respond more easily to you and you don't get rejected much, at all. Become a better-looking version of yourself and you won't have cause to fear rejection.

 

And women will approach you if they are attracted to you. Things will be much easier.

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BronzeAgeJaeger217
Do you work-out? lifting makes you feel relaxed, and calm. Nothing phases you after a good work-out session. Your body is filled with feel-good chemicals. Another plus to physical exercise is that you begin to look pretty darn good. Women respond more easily to you and you don't get rejected much, at all. Become a better-looking version of yourself and you won't have cause to fear rejection.

 

And women will approach you if they are attracted to you. Things will be much easier.

 

Still very rare for women to approach men first, to me it seems the age 25 is the magic age number, in which it becomes a crisis point in a guys mind if he has little to no experience with women, still a virgin, I remember even a Canadian dating guru saying that.

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you have some major self-esteem issues. please get professional help

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Still very rare for women to approach men first, to me it seems the age 25 is the magic age number, in which it becomes a crisis point in a guys mind if he has little to no experience with women, still a virgin, I remember even a Canadian dating guru saying that.

 

Befriend some men who are highly attractive and you'll see that women do approach men as often as men approach women, its just that the men who are approached are a minority. Of course a man can't increase his height without incurring in abysmal debt/massive physical pain, and a man can't regrow the hair he lost, but if he's already above average(not overweight; physical exercise) he can be approached by attractive women.

 

Obviously the most beautiful women are going to want Tom Brady, but you can make do with women who aren't capable of attracting Mr. brady.

 

There are plenty of male virgins into their 20s and 30s. Relax. Its not an abnormality. Yes, statistics say most men aren't virgins in their 20s but you honestly believe any of that sort? Most guys would be ashamed of saying they were virgins, as it usually comes with shaming.

 

What I find highly irregular is when I see a decent-looking woman in her mid to late 20s who isn't religious, not asexual, but still a virgin.

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Maybe Jen is onto something. He could search for a FemDom! Problem solved. He'd be a deer in headlights and probably be her favorite pet.

 

But, if you must try typical dating (I don't suggest it), I suggest you stick to activities for your dates. You need something like bowling or mini golf so you don't have to focus so much on talking. If you're not distracted you'll probably act uncomfortable and turn her off.

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Maybe Jen is onto something. He could search for a FemDom! Problem solved. He'd be a deer in headlights and probably be her favorite pet.

In all seriousness, it wouldn't have to automatically be a femdom thing, at least not formally. But he could be a 'bitch.'

 

There's a certain type of woman - admittedly not common but we (haha, see what I did there?)do exist, who enjoy having relationships with submissive men. Submissive doesn't mean utterly without balls and manhood, but it does mean a guy who bows to female authority. They actually are called "bitches," but believe it or not it's essentially a loving term (albeit with a constant femme tease inherent in it - but that's partly what it's about).

 

How OP would go about finding one is another question, but honestly it sounds like it might be his best bet - assuming he could muster the resolve to 'man up' in terms of both having some amount of personal integrity and self respect while bscly deferring all practical authority to her.

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BronzeAgeJaeger217
Befriend some men who are highly attractive and you'll see that women do approach men as often as men approach women, its just that the men who are approached are a minority. Of course a man can't increase his height without incurring in abysmal debt/massive physical pain, and a man can't regrow the hair he lost, but if he's already above average(not overweight; physical exercise) he can be approached by attractive women.

 

Obviously the most beautiful women are going to want Tom Brady, but you can make do with women who aren't capable of attracting Mr. brady.

 

There are plenty of male virgins into their 20s and 30s. Relax. Its not an abnormality. Yes, statistics say most men aren't virgins in their 20s but you honestly believe any of that sort? Most guys would be ashamed of saying they were virgins, as it usually comes with shaming.

 

What I find highly irregular is when I see a decent-looking woman in her mid to late 20s who isn't religious, not asexual, but still a virgin.

 

Ya that Canadian Dating Guru, his name is Frank Kermit, he says he has worked with men even in their 40's and 50's who were still a virgin

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Ya that Canadian Dating Guru, his name is Frank Kermit, he says he has worked with men even in their 40's and 50's who were still a virgin

 

Yes. Most of the men who are virgins into their 30s and up don't want to use the services of escorts. I understand their wish. They're either looking for that special someone, they have intimacy issues or they are against prostitution(eve n the legal sort).

 

That's how life is, bro. Women have in-born value because all of us guys(except the asexual and the homosexual)desire sex, so women have it pretty easy, we have to look good or work hard. No free lunch man.

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Okay, no offense to posters here but do you all really think you are helping Sunyata now? Somehow (just guessing) he may not be into being a woman's bitch (or a mans for that matter), not into hanging out with a studly muffin man who gets all the chicks nor being a deer in headlights. (okay, being a woman's bitch has its moments (I assume) but lets take things a step at a time please!!)

 

My guess, assuming he's a normal dude like I was and am is that he just wants to learn how to act around women. To figure out how not to be freaked out by them and the answer Sunyata is what I said. You need to understand that there's nothing to be afraid of. Just like a mouse, they are more afraid of you!

 

And they should be! You have much more potential to hurt them than they do you. As men, we give women the potential to hurt us. We give it because we love them, but they use it too often. Okay, I'm not going to get into my bitterness here but just know you hold the cards. There are women here who will tell you otherwise. No. Men have the power.

 

You will be just fine my friend! You can control yourself and can make sure you treat her properly. Open doors for her. Ask her what she likes then order for her. Ladies first. Men always walk between a lady and traffic to protect them ALWAYS! Always get between her and any danger.

 

Those thoughts will make you feel like a man. Only doing them will get you there. Don't be a bitch, be a man and it's easy! Once you feel like a man, you can make a woman feel like...well..a woman! :laugh:

 

Ken

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I was completely serious about the bitch thing in the context it was given, largely bc OP acts as tho that's sort of what he really is. In that sense, practical advice is more worthwhile than the usual pep-talks and platitudes encouraging people to "just be x-y-z." (Which is oftentimes impossible when that's not who you are.) Wholesale identity transformations are pretty unrealistic.

 

So to answer your question, yes I was trying to help him. I may even try to help him more ....is that ok with you or should I check first? :p

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So to answer your question, yes I was trying to help him. I may even try to help him more ....is that ok with you or should I check first? :p

 

Um...sure. You can go ahead. :p lol

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...practical advice is more worthwhile than the usual pep-talks and platitudes encouraging people to "just be x-y-z." (Which is oftentimes impossible when that's not who you are.) Wholesale identity transformations are pretty unrealistic.

 

While you make a valid point, I must point out that there is nothing out of the ordinary in the way he feels. Most if not all young guys are scared sh*tless of women. It's an irrational fear and yes you're right, someone just saying "don't be" isn't going to make it all better.

 

That said, pep talks are not all bad and confidence comes from within. If someone hears pep talks enough, they start to feel peppy! If they hear confidence building talk enough, they build up some confidence. Sometimes just knowing someone is pulling for you can help.

 

It's all good, the OP can accept what he likes and reject the rest. If he wants to be some chick's bitch, he's more than welcome to go find one...but then, there's that confidence issue nonetheless.

 

Really there is no substitute for age and experience, and most of us go through this. OP will live, as we all do. Here's to hoping he can have fun getting there!

 

Ken

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utilisateur
I was completely serious about the bitch thing in the context it was given, largely bc OP acts as tho that's sort of what he really is. In that sense, practical advice is more worthwhile than the usual pep-talks and platitudes encouraging people to "just be x-y-z." (Which is oftentimes impossible when that's not who you are.) Wholesale identity transformations are pretty unrealistic.

 

So to answer your question, yes I was trying to help him. I may even try to help him more ....is that ok with you or should I check first? :p

 

Isn't this a really niche group of women? I think there are probably over 10 million men in America who would appreciate a dominant "bitch", and I'm thinking there's like 10,000 women who are actually attracted to submissive men who don't "man up" and take charge.

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It is a small-ish group at least, in my experience. But again note that being a 'bitch' doesn't mean being a 'pussy,' it just means submitting to a woman's will. While still being a man, ideally.

 

My BF is a pretty studly guy who's gentlemanly and likes animals and all that and keeps me safe and can kick ass if he has to. He also does exactly what I tell him. He gives me good-natured sh*t back from time to time but in the end we both know who the 'boss' is.

 

OP doesn't really sound like a tough guy, but he does sound like he'd be suitably obedient by nature. And he could still be that guy by being gentlemanly and accommodating while handing over the reigns to a woman.

 

It's also not so much a matter of being in a club, but moreso that if he found a woman who generally leaned toward assertiveness, they might have some mutual attraction toward each other and the roles might naturally develop.

 

The larger point is really just that it's better for people to be who they are and try to find like-minded compatible people than attempt some big personal reinvention.

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BronzeAgeJaeger217
It is a small-ish group at least, in my experience. But again note that being a 'bitch' doesn't mean being a 'pussy,' it just means submitting to a woman's will. While still being a man, ideally.

 

My BF is a pretty studly guy who's gentlemanly and likes animals and all that and keeps me safe and can kick ass if he has to. He also does exactly what I tell him. He gives me good-natured sh*t back from time to time but in the end we both know who the 'boss' is.

 

OP doesn't really sound like a tough guy, but he does sound like he'd be suitably obedient by nature. And he could still be that guy by being gentlemanly and accommodating while handing over the reigns to a woman.

 

It's also not so much a matter of being in a club, but moreso that if he found a woman who generally leaned toward assertiveness, they might have some mutual attraction toward each other and the roles might naturally develop.

 

The larger point is really just that it's better for people to be who they are and try to find like-minded compatible people than attempt some big personal reinvention.

 

Interesting type of woman

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