Depressed partner - how do I cope with the emotional abuse??

[Kittybonbon]

Hi all,

 

Don't normally post on forums, but getting desperate and nowhere to turn to or anyone I can talk to about this.

 

My partner and I have been together for about 6 months, I know it's not long but things started off so well, had a fantastic connection and made each other laugh. We don't live together, but been discussions moving forward.

 

The last couple of weeks have been hard, he's going through some tough times in his life and really started to get angry, unreasonable and saying irrational things. At times I have argued back but about a week ago he has discovered he's depressed. He has started to see a therapist so is getting some help.

 

I'm struggling to cope with his emotional outbursts, he is nasty and just breaks me to pieces. He critises me, how I look, says I am nothing special, I have ruined his life, says I'm a nasty selfish person, thinks I'm cheating (I'm not at all) if I don't use the right words or I take a second and pause before I answer he gets angry. (I pause as I'm trying to think what words to reply with or how I wont upset him) . A weekend we planned to go away, I asked if it was still going ahead casually (I do like to know what's going on so I can plan rest of week) and he said "no why are you putting pressure on me??". I was a bit shocked but left it at that and thought he will come back to me if it's something he wanted to do. Weekend came and he questioned me why hadn't suggested going away, he said its my fault I ruined his weekend as I should of brought it up. I feel I can't win.

 

I have researched depression, read about it and tried to be patient and understand. I have offered support although I know only he can help himself with professional help I have alway given advice when asked.

 

He started again at me today, calling me names, accusing me of sleeping with everyone (I'm not at all!!!) , saying all I am selfish, making nasty remarks. I stayed calm again but I am starting to resent him. I dread talking to him as I worry how he's going to put me down. I'm feeling really hurt and frustrated I can't do anything. He blames me for his anger.

 

After he's had a drink it gets worst, I have been scared. He shouts in my face, calls me many abusive names and I feel backed into a corner. I get upset he tells me to stop being a baby. It distresses me, maybe I am weak I don't know anymore.

 

I dont feel I know him anymore. Today I broke down on the phone to him, he told me I have nothing to be upset about and I should try living his life. I understand he has a lot deal with and I'm trying to help, it's not a competition about problems.

 

I don't know what I can do anymore. He is always ending it and an hour later he said he doesn't mean it and I shoukd know that. How can I read his mind?? Of course I get shouted at for being too sensitive and I should let it go.

 

Sorry about the massive post, I need to get it off my chest. I want to support him through this, but it's bringing me down at the same time as I don't know how much more horrible words and nasty comments I can handle.

[ird]

Hi there and welcome to LS, you can come here anytime to vent your issues, it really helps.

 

It sounds like he isn't exactly ready to be in a relationship anymore since the depression has taken over. It sounds like he's suffering from more than depression in my opinion. Unfortunately I don't think you should stand for that kind of abuse and I recommend cutting ties with him. Six months isn't that long so you haven't really gotten to know him 100% yet, for all you know this anger can be completely normal for him and he's now showing his true colors.

 

Does he have any family or mutual friends you can talk to about his behavior? Maybe mention to them that he's been acting strange? I've suffered from depression myself and unfortunately have the experience to know that it greatly affects close ones enough to the point of spreading the depression and anger.

 

He sounds very immature and abusive. Sometimes it doesn't stop with words and can escalate greatly.If you have all the hope in the world for him and refuse to leave, then I'd suggest putting some distance between you two and letting him think this through himself and also give him some time and see how he progresses through therapy. Good luck and God Bless.

[Ayamachi]

It sounds to me like you are doing all you can to help him along this path. Mental Illness is a hard thing to cope with, but I personally think he is taking advantage of the situation. Yelling at you and bringing you to tears, then just blaming it on the first excuse that comes to mind. If I was in your shoes, I would attempt to see a therapist, to get a better understanding of what is "normal" and "not-normal" depressive behavior, and ways you can be aware and supportive of him. You might also address the obvious emotional trauma this is causing you.

 

As a side note, anyone who has any sort of mental illness, even if minor and kept under control, should not be drinking. The chemicals do more harm than good, and I would consider telling his therapist about this.

 

Stay strong!

[La.Primavera]

It sounds extremely difficult.

 

It is one thing to help your partner through an illness like depression with kindness and support. However, that should not include being verbally abused like this.

 

It is completely unacceptable. Nothing gives him the right to treat you this way. The longer you tolerate it, the worse it will get. He will think the way he is behaving is ok because he can get away with it.

 

You need to put yourself first. This is not healthy and he is going to bring you down with him. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

 

He needs a dose of reality. I would suggest you end your relationship before this escalates further.

[Kittybonbon]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. It's given me more strength and needed opinion on the situation as I don't really know anymore if what I'm doing is right.

 

I have spoken with family, and they don't really give an opinion on what to do. I don't like to say too much as I don't want them to worry or have a negative opinion.

 

Just an update, he just called me and got angry as told me I'm not supporting him. He's now told me he wants to call it a day and never to call him again. He then texts me to say I pushed him into a corner?! I don't even know where this came from. He's told me not to speak to him. So I didn't reply, and now I get an angry message saying I don't even give the courtesy of a reply. I don't know what else I can do. Stupid thing is I got to see him tomorrow at work, should never of got involved.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm for your situation, OP. I'm sure all the posters here can feel your pain jumping through the screen.

 

I'm no professional, but it sounds to me like it's not only depression he's battling. There could be more going on here (from a mental health perspective) that he needs to address. His rages and jealous outbursts and verbal abuse are indicative of other problems, compounded by depression. You say he discovered this last week - how? In other words, I assume he was diagnosed by his doctor?

 

You need to keep yourself healthy. Whatever his struggles are, you do not need to become his emotional punching bag. When he acts out, remove yourself from the situation. Do not enable that type of behavior. I wouldn't recommend continuing the relationship at this point. He isn't in a healthy frame of mind and it's already having a terrible effect on you. If you'd been together a long time, it would be a different story. But you don't know him all that well yet. His abuse could escalate.

 

Do you know his friends or family? If so, have they mentioned noticing any changes in him? Are you familiar with his relationship history? I ask all of this because my ex-boyfriend displayed similar behaviour with me. I came to find out later that there was so much I didn't know about him that would have helped paint a clearer picture of who he really was and what his relationship pattern was.

[ird]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. It's given me more strength and needed opinion on the situation as I don't really know anymore if what I'm doing is right.

 

I have spoken with family, and they don't really give an opinion on what to do. I don't like to say too much as I don't want them to worry or have a negative opinion.

 

Just an update, he just called me and got angry as told me I'm not supporting him. He's now told me he wants to call it a day and never to call him again. He then texts me to say I pushed him into a corner?! I don't even know where this came from. He's told me not to speak to him. So I didn't reply, and now I get an angry message saying I don't even give the courtesy of a reply. I don't know what else I can do. Stupid thing is I got to see him tomorrow at work, should never of got involved.

 

Hon I'm sorry but you need to try and cut ties with him, in my opinion. If you're scared of encountering him try telling your boss your situation as best you can. Block his number, fb, etc. Whatever you have to do. Let him know that you won't take this abuse and it's unacceptable to treat anyone like this, especially you as an innocent bystander. You're not doing anything wrong and he's projecting his issues and anger onto you. Definitely have a talk with him as soon as you can explaining how he makes you feel when he acts up.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. It's given me more strength and needed opinion on the situation as I don't really know anymore if what I'm doing is right.

 

I have spoken with family, and they don't really give an opinion on what to do. I don't like to say too much as I don't want them to worry or have a negative opinion.

 

Just an update, he just called me and got angry as told me I'm not supporting him. He's now told me he wants to call it a day and never to call him again. He then texts me to say I pushed him into a corner?! I don't even know where this came from. He's told me not to speak to him. So I didn't reply, and now I get an angry message saying I don't even give the courtesy of a reply. I don't know what else I can do. Stupid thing is I got to see him tomorrow at work, should never of got involved.

 

Wow. You were right not to reply. He's being emotionally abusive and I strongly suspect now that it's not only depression here. Follow his suggestion and don't speak to him. He's trying to engage you in a fight and it't not okay. Do you work very closely together?

 

As an aside, for information's sake: the ex I mentioned in my previous post was actually suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. He'd been diagnosed but refused treatment/therapy of any kind. You might read up on it and see if it sounds like your guy. Again, I cannot diagnose. I just see some parallels between your descriptions and my ex-boyfriend. In any case, you're best to stay away from him. Should you choose to read a bit about BPD, I would do so only for information's sake. Not to try to excuse/justify his behaviour. It will help you understand that it's not about you. Keep your distance.

[Kittybonbon]

Thank you for everyone's support it means a lot. It's lovely to have people whoe understand.

 

He always suffered from anger issues, but never seen it like this. I stupidly overlooked it as never a personal attack until now. Whenever I've tried to remove myself from the situation or not taken his calls, he then is in an even worst state. I tell him I need time to cool off, just to regain control of my emotions before I say anything horrible. He will get really angry if I ignore calls and its escalated. It's left me feeling distressed.

 

I feel a mess at the moment. My confidence has gone down so much.

 

He's just called saying I have pushed him to this, and I was upset in the phone obviously after what's happened. Just had another go at me about crying and shouting saying I can't be bothered to talk properly and I have no reason to be upset. This isn't normal behaviour is it????! It's my fault apparently.

[ird]

Thank you for everyone's support it means a lot. It's lovely to have people whoe understand.

 

He always suffered from anger issues, but never seen it like this. I stupidly overlooked it as never a personal attack until now. Whenever I've tried to remove myself from the situation or not taken his calls, he then is in an even worst state. I tell him I need time to cool off, just to regain control of my emotions before I say anything horrible. He will get really angry if I ignore calls and its escalated. It's left me feeling distressed.

 

I feel a mess at the moment. My confidence has gone down so much.

 

He's just called saying I have pushed him to this, and I was upset in the phone obviously after what's happened. Just had another go at me about crying and shouting saying I can't be bothered to talk properly and I have no reason to be upset. This isn't normal behaviour is it????! It's my fault apparently.

 

NONE of this is your fault and everyone will agree on this. He's acting like a child and knows exactly what he's doing, making you feel bad like this is your fault. Perhaps you should consider going NC(no contact) for a while and letting him have his temper tantrums until he calms down a bit. Just remember none of this is your fault, and as we see it you've done nothing wrong.

[Satu]

For your information.

 

 

Psychological abuse can look like:

 

 

Humiliating or embarrassing you.

 

Constant put-downs.

 

Hypercriticism.

 

Refusing to communicate.

 

Ignoring or excluding you.

 

Extramarital affairs.

 

Provocative behavior with opposite sex.

 

Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.

 

Unreasonable jealousy.

 

Extreme moodiness.

 

Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.

 

Saying “I love you but…”

 

Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”

 

Domination and control.

 

Withdrawal of affection.

 

Guilt trips.

 

Making everything your fault.

 

Isolating you from friends and family.

 

Using money to control.

 

Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.

 

Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

 

 

Source here.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for everyone's support it means a lot. It's lovely to have people whoe understand.

 

He always suffered from anger issues, but never seen it like this. I stupidly overlooked it as never a personal attack until now. Whenever I've tried to remove myself from the situation or not taken his calls, he then is in an even worst state. I tell him I need time to cool off, just to regain control of my emotions before I say anything horrible. He will get really angry if I ignore calls and its escalated. It's left me feeling distressed.

 

I feel a mess at the moment. My confidence has gone down so much.

 

He's just called saying I have pushed him to this, and I was upset in the phone obviously after what's happened. Just had another go at me about crying and shouting saying I can't be bothered to talk properly and I have no reason to be upset. This isn't normal behaviour is it????! It's my fault apparently.

 

Of course it's not normal. You haven't pushed him into anything. He is 100% responsible for his actions. He is dumping his emotional garbage on you and projecting all that anger. I would advise against asking yourself how or why he can possibly blame you, because he isn't a well person right now. You could be a perfect angel and he'd find fault with you. Turning it over and over in your mind won't help because there simply aren't any answers.

 

Don't take any more of his calls. Block his number if need be. You need to focus on protecting your own well-being. Don't give him any avenue to tear you down. You don't deserve it.

 

PM me if you want to speak more. I have a feeling you and I have experienced many of the same things. Take care of yourself, girl,

[Satu]

No illness comes with a right to abuse others.

[TaraMaiden2]

If he is on medication, let me tell you that my H went through the same.

Apparently it can take anything between 4 - 6 weeks for anti-depressants to become effective and balance out the mind-set.

 

During this time, my H was advised he would have mood swings.

 

F**k me, I'll say.

Ferocious, relentless, aggressive, foul-mouthed, insulting, loud, persistent and distressing.

 

It's horrific to watch, and horrific to be the subject and victim.

 

Have a talk with his therapist, and see if you can get a side on this treatment.

 

And no, he really should not be drinking, at all.

[Satu]

This isn't happening because he is depressed.

 

The abuse of others is not part of the diagnostic criteria for depression, and is not typical or common in depression.

 

Red herring.

[joseb]

This isn't happening because he is depressed.

 

The abuse of others is not part of the diagnostic criteria for depression, and is not typical or common in depression.

 

Red herring.

 

Yip, he may be depressed, but abusing you the way he is is not part of that.

He has some serious issues, perhaps BPD as someone suggested, but regardless of what it is you need to cut all ties with him for your own well being. Staying in this could cause you long term damage.

 

He sounds extremely manipulative, be wary of him deciding to "give you another chance".

[michellew]

How to cope? You dump him.

 

I know it's going to be hard, but the treatment you are recieving is much more damaging. You deserve so much better!

 

Please get out while you still can. It's only going to get worse.

[Auspecial]

Hi all,

 

Don't normally post on forums, but getting desperate and nowhere to turn to or anyone I can talk to about this.

 

My partner and I have been together for about 6 months, I know it's not long but things started off so well, had a fantastic connection and made each other laugh. We don't live together, but been discussions moving forward.

 

The last couple of weeks have been hard, he's going through some tough times in his life and really started to get angry, unreasonable and saying irrational things. At times I have argued back but about a week ago he has discovered he's depressed. He has started to see a therapist so is getting some help.

 

I'm struggling to cope with his emotional outbursts, he is nasty and just breaks me to pieces. He critises me, how I look, says I am nothing special, I have ruined his life, says I'm a nasty selfish person, thinks I'm cheating (I'm not at all) if I don't use the right words or I take a second and pause before I answer he gets angry. (I pause as I'm trying to think what words to reply with or how I wont upset him) . A weekend we planned to go away, I asked if it was still going ahead casually (I do like to know what's going on so I can plan rest of week) and he said "no why are you putting pressure on me??". I was a bit shocked but left it at that and thought he will come back to me if it's something he wanted to do. Weekend came and he questioned me why hadn't suggested going away, he said its my fault I ruined his weekend as I should of brought it up. I feel I can't win.

 

I have researched depression, read about it and tried to be patient and understand. I have offered support although I know only he can help himself with professional help I have alway given advice when asked.

 

He started again at me today, calling me names, accusing me of sleeping with everyone (I'm not at all!!!) , saying all I am selfish, making nasty remarks. I stayed calm again but I am starting to resent him. I dread talking to him as I worry how he's going to put me down. I'm feeling really hurt and frustrated I can't do anything. He blames me for his anger.

 

After he's had a drink it gets worst, I have been scared. He shouts in my face, calls me many abusive names and I feel backed into a corner. I get upset he tells me to stop being a baby. It distresses me, maybe I am weak I don't know anymore.

 

I dont feel I know him anymore. Today I broke down on the phone to him, he told me I have nothing to be upset about and I should try living his life. I understand he has a lot deal with and I'm trying to help, it's not a competition about problems.

 

I don't know what I can do anymore. He is always ending it and an hour later he said he doesn't mean it and I shoukd know that. How can I read his mind?? Of course I get shouted at for being too sensitive and I should let it go.

 

Sorry about the massive post, I need to get it off my chest. I want to support him through this, but it's bringing me down at the same time as I don't know how much more horrible words and nasty comments I can handle.

 

This doesn't sound like depression to me. It could be partially depression, but his reactions seem way over the top.

 

Either way, you don't have to put up with this abuse at al, even if it is a mental illness he is having trouble controlling.

 

I could not stay with a man who said such things to me. The only way I possibly would is if we were married and he had a brain tumor or something that was proven to affect his behavior and rational thinking.

 

It also seems like his abuse is escalating, and that would also be a big concern of mine for you and your safety. Just because he was one way at the beginning, doesn't mean he will always be that person. It seems like you are dealing with a different person now, and its a reality you should face, for your own well-being.

[caringsister]

You mentioned it gets worse when he has a drink. Is he an alcoholic perhaps?

 

Sounds like to me your in a dammed if you do ... dame if you don't situation. As a matter of fact he reminds me of a cruel narcissist. Holding up hoops for you to jump through if you jump he's mad if you don't he's mad... and if you make it through one hoop there is always another one. It's endless.

 

You don't deserve to be treated this way. He is emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. Then he blames you for his behavior.

 

I hope you remove yourself from this situation. It is unhealthy and he will wear you down so far that you won't even recognize who you are anymore. The longer you stay the deeper the damage will be.

 

Please give yourself the gift of freedom. Get out as soon as you can.

[neowulf]

As someone who grew up with a deeply depressed father and who suffers depression, I can offer a few insights into this.

 

Firstly, it's very admirable of you for showing such compasion in the face of such a difficult situation. That's a very rare quality these days. Please don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

 

I grew up with a father, displaying much the same behaviour as your partner. During his "bad days", he was cold and aggressive. Often abusive. He'd fly off the handle and you'd be unable to reason with him. Only once he'd calmed down could you try and continue the conversation.

 

The thing is, as hard as it might be to accept, he *IS* responsible for his behaviour. Sickness or not, you are NOT obligated to put up with his abuse.

 

He's getting help? Good. Is it on medication yet? Because it sounds like he really should be.

 

In the end, you MUST be responsible for your own wellbeing. True, it may not be his fault he's sick. But he's still behaving in a way that's hurtful and damaging to you. Love is not sticking around to let people kick you over and over again.

 

My advice is to communicate these feelings. You need to make it clear how badly he's hurting you. That you won't stand for this much longer and that you need to figure out a better way to manage it.

 

That might be as simple as just walking away from him. As soon as he says something remotely hurtful, stand up and just walk away. Leave the house. Refuse to engage him. Show him that you will NOT play the victim and take his behaviour, sickness or not.

 

I wish you all the best. Depression is a horrible illness to suffer, but it's equally destructive to the people forced to endure the backlash.

 

Stay safe and goodluck.

[BluEyeL]

You have to leave immediately and find yourself a healthy person to build a healthy relationship with. It is not your responsibility to deal wit his mental issues and you will destroy your life if you stay with this person. You may love him, but you have to love yourself first, this is no healthy love.

[La.Primavera]

He's just called saying I have pushed him to this, and I was upset in the phone obviously after what's happened. Just had another go at me about crying and shouting saying I can't be bothered to talk properly and I have no reason to be upset. This isn't normal behaviour is it????! It's my fault apparently.

 

This is really alarming! He has absolutely no comprehension how inappropriate his behavior is. He is unstable and violent. For your own safety please don't take any more of his calls and tell people around you what is going on in case he starts harassing you. I also agree with the person who suggested telling your boss or supervisor that there is tension with this guy and that you would like to avoid him.

 

I think you need support of the people around you so you don't have to deal with this alone. The worst thing you could do right now is to keep talking to him or engaging him in any communication. He will twist your words and blame everything on you.

 

This is not your problem, it is 100% his! Take care of yourself.

[LexiB]

OP, I've been through exactly what you're gojng through. As someone who stayed on and on for a couple years and my advice is to leave, now. But I know that's much easier said than done when you're in the thick of it.

 

If leaving isn't your choice now, check out the Depression Fallout and StoriedMind message boards. You'll read your story - every scenario you've listed here, and even ones you haven't mentioned - echoed many times over. The founder of the Depression Fallout group is Anne Sheffield. She's written a couple of excellent books on coping with partners with depression. Her focus is on how to take care of **yourself** for however long you choose to stay with this person. Which you absolutely NEED to do, first and foremost.

[calvincline47]

This isn't happening because he is depressed.

 

The abuse of others is not part of the diagnostic criteria for depression, and is not typical or common in depression.

 

Red herring.

 

Emotional outbursts are most certainly a sign of depression.

 

However, I do agree that his persistence is strange. I've been severely depressed in the past and had emotional outbursts, but would usually apologize shortly after and genuinely feel bad about it.

 

OP's guy sounds like he's on another level though.

[joseb]

Emotional outbursts are most certainly a sign of depression.

Emotional outbursts maybe, but this doesn't really sound like depression:

 

He critises me, how I look, says I am nothing special, I have ruined his life, says I'm a nasty selfish person, thinks I'm cheating

 

if I don't use the right words or I take a second and pause before I answer he gets angry

 

He started again at me today, calling me names, accusing me of sleeping with everyone

 

He shouts in my face, calls me many abusive names and I feel backed into a corner. I get upset he tells me to stop being a baby

 

I've had some depression in the past and never did anything remotely like this to my partner.