Why can't I trust??? WTH?

[I_Give_Up67]

I've finally figured out what brought me to LS... and that is my complete inability to trust women that I am interested in. To the point, it may cost me someone that I've developed very strong feelings for.

 

Amazingly for me, she has not given up on me yet, despite me having acted like a total ass*ole on several occasions. Being a logical person by nature, I am well aware that my actions and feelings are borderline insane, yet I am having great difficulty controlling them. I want to erase these trust issues, or at least manage them so they do not manifest themselves to ruin this new relationship. Worst yet, is realizing that I've never really dealt with being betrayed in past relationships, though I thought I had. This is so not fair to the person whom I care deeply for.

 

I think I may need professional help to figure out why I am having this problem now. I would love to hear from other members that may have found themselves in a similar position going into a new relationship. How did you overcome trust issues going into a new relationship?

[Dallers]

Hey now, Loveshack is not to blame for your trust issues

 

Trust issues stem from past experiences and insecurity. If you have been cheated or hurt by a lover this has created a fear of it happening again and you need to address that fear. If you have not been cheated on or hurt by a lover then this stems from your own insecurity you need to address it yourself and figure out why you are so scared of being hurt. I am sure there is some underlying childhood trauma or past experience that a shrink will dig up if you need professional help but honestly most of the time it is because men have serious control issues and cannot accept that the person they are with does actually like them because they see themselves as inferior.

 

Fix you or lose her. It's really that simple.

 

She will give up on you eventually.

[jen1447]

Not sure it applies, at all , but I switched teams. Actually that was a coincidence, but a lot of people rolled their eyes and nodded at each other 'knowingly' at the time. They had to eat some crow eventually tho when I didn't switch back and seemed happy.

 

But yeah I don't expect you'll be switching teams.

[I_Give_Up67]

Hey now, Loveshack is not to blame for your trust issues

 

Trust issues stem from past experiences and insecurity. If you have been cheated or hurt by a lover this has created a fear of it happening again and you need to address that fear. If you have not been cheated on or hurt by a lover then this stems from your own insecurity you need to address it yourself and figure out why you are so scared of being hurt. I am sure there is some underlying childhood trauma or past experience that a shrink will dig up if you need professional help but honestly most of the time it is because men have serious control issues and cannot accept that the person they are with does actually like them because they see themselves as inferior.

 

Fix you or lose her. It's really that simple.

 

She will give up on you eventually.

 

 

Dallers, this is so true in my case! Thank you... now to go about fixing it.

[I_Give_Up67]

Not sure it applies, at all , but I switched teams. Actually that was a coincidence, but a lot of people rolled their eyes and nodded at each other 'knowingly' at the time. They had to eat some crow eventually tho when I didn't switch back and seemed happy.

 

But yeah I don't expect you'll be switching teams.

 

 

Jen, thank you.

 

I can respect your choice to to do what was necessary to find your happiness. But changing teams is not an option for me, as I love women way too much

 

Besides, I don't dress well enough

[Dallers]

Dallers, this is so true in my case! Thank you... now to go about fixing it.

 

Yeah sorry I was rushing and forgot that part. It is not as difficult as you might think and you might have to lose her to be able to accomplish it. I had issues in my past and where I came from woah what a mess I was.

 

You need to do the following to be honest:

 

- Learn to love yourself.

- Learn to love being alone and not needing anyone to be happy.

- Learn to be able to take care of yourself completely / Independence.

- Learn to control your thoughts. As soon as over-thinking starts, end it. Move about. Stay busy.

- Improve aspects of your life - Job, Friends, Family. Any weaknesses there? Fix them.

- Fix any underlying health issues. Diet. Testosterone. Libido? Any issues here? Sort them and if you are sitting alone crying look into supplements like ZMA.

- Hit the gym, walking, running or join a club. Exercise and becoming more aesthetically pleasing it's more important to become pleasing to yourself than others. Very important for self-esteem.

 

Write a list about all of your pros and cons and work through the cons and then begin eliminating them one by one. Address all fears head on and do not pussy out.

 

You will grow, mature and become a better man. I would say i'm probably 60-70% through my list now. Well on my way.

 

Good luck.

[I_Give_Up67]

Yeah sorry I was rushing and forgot that part. It is not as difficult as you might think and you might have to lose her to be able to accomplish it. I had issues in my past and where I came from woah what a mess I was.

 

You need to do the following to be honest:

 

- Learn to love yourself.

- Learn to love being alone and not needing anyone to be happy.

- Learn to be able to take care of yourself completely / Independence.

- Learn to control your thoughts. As soon as over-thinking starts, end it. Move about. Stay busy.

- Improve aspects of your life - Job, Friends, Family. Any weaknesses there? Fix them.

- Fix any underlying health issues. Diet. Testosterone. Libido? Any issues here? Sort them and if you are sitting alone crying look into supplements like ZMA.

- Hit the gym, walking, running or join a club. Exercise and becoming more aesthetically pleasing it's more important to become pleasing to yourself than others. Very important for self-esteem.

 

Write a list about all of your pros and cons and work through the cons and then begin eliminating them one by one. Address all fears head on and do not pussy out.

 

You will grow, mature and become a better man. I would say i'm probably 60-70% through my list now. Well on my way.

 

Good luck.

 

Wow, looking at your list, I'd say I'm about 70% there already. Just as you've suggested, I have not been in any type of relationship since 2012, and I've used this time to learn to be alone, and discovered self validation during this time. I also discovered how to avoid the dysfunctional type women that I always seemed to end up with in the past.

 

The remaining area that you suggested (see bolded), this is where I will begin to work on immediately, not letting the thoughts and notions consume me. I have too much alone time to think, and that's a problem for sure.

 

Thank you friend!

[Popsicle]

I've finally figured out what brought me to LS... and that is my complete inability to trust women that I am interested in. To the point, it may cost me someone that I've developed very strong feelings for.

 

Amazingly for me, she has not given up on me yet, despite me having acted like a total ass*ole on several occasions. Being a logical person by nature, I am well aware that my actions and feelings are borderline insane, yet I am having great difficulty controlling them. I want to erase these trust issues, or at least manage them so they do not manifest themselves to ruin this new relationship. Worst yet, is realizing that I've never really dealt with being betrayed in past relationships, though I thought I had. This is so not fair to the person whom I care deeply for.

 

I think I may need professional help to figure out why I am having this problem now. I would love to hear from other members that may have found themselves in a similar position going into a new relationship. How did you overcome trust issues going into a new relationship?

 

It takes a very self-aware, and more importantly, strong person to admit this and want to change it.

[I_Give_Up67]

It takes a very self-aware, and more importantly, strong person to admit this and want to change it.

 

 

Thanks Popsicle, this is destroying me. I want to make this right.

[Dallers]

Just out of curiosity what reason has she given you not to trust her?

[I_Give_Up67]

Just out of curiosity what reason has she given you not to trust her?

 

That's just it, absolutely nothing... she has answered every question I've asked honestly. She has not lied to me.

 

But when I'm alone with my thoughts, I start to imagine and twist things around about whether she is really over with her past relationships etc.. Totally makes no sense. Being an engineer by profession, I tend to be very logical, but in this case I am being completely illogical with my mistrust.

[Popsicle]

Thanks Popsicle, this is destroying me. I want to make this right.

 

I am by no means a professional, but I would stay away from anything negative that triggers the reinforcement of your trust issues (things in the media, this forum or certain parts of it, negative people in your life, etc), just negativity in general. Start surrounding yourself with and immersing yourself in positive things, especially those about love and the ideal. This is to reprogram your thinking/most, almost back to the point of how it was when you were a teenager, before you had all these negative notions of distrust. Put romance and sex at the forefront. You are naturally an adult with experiences, of course, but I find that if you read positive books that inspire hope, watch positive movies about love, and hang around positive and hopeful people, it will rub off on you as well. At least it works like that for me. I'm also good at living in the moment, not the past or future, though.

[Dallers]

That's just it, absolutely nothing... she has answered every question I've asked honestly. She has not lied to me.

 

But when I'm alone with my thoughts, I start to imagine and twist things around about whether she is really over with her past relationships etc.. Totally makes no sense. Being an engineer by profession, I tend to be very logical, but in this case I am being completely illogical with my mistrust.

 

haha Analyst over here mate I know what women are thinking before they know it themselves and it does me no favours.

 

You need to really get that thinking thing sorted first before anything else. It gets us all at some point but you have no reason and she sounds like a good girl. You will be kicking yourself for years if you lose her trust me I know first hand.

 

Everyone has a past you really just need to learn to be 100% about you and accept who you are. You might get hurt but it's about knowing you will be ok if you do.

[kenmore]

I have not experienced trust issues yet. I feel I may someday. I feel blessed that if either of my wived cheated on me they did so successfully so I don't have any reason to mistrust anyone based upon that hurt, but since I thought my wife loved me as much as I loved her yet she ended our relationship, I realize that she did not love me as much. That is a form of deceit that perhaps is all in my mind, but it feels real to me and it hurts.

 

I haven't gotten into a new relationship deeply enough yet to know if it will affect me but I have had times while married where I said or did things I later looked back upon and was ashamed of. I'm sure my wives both did too, we all do to some degree, but if you are finding yourself feeling "borderline insane", you may not be ready for a relationship yet.

 

I assume you have heard of the "love bank." With these outbursts you are making withdrawals. Obviously I can't know her feelings or how much she'll put up with, but maybe you can reflect on how much she means to you to help you get a grip. As long as you know it will eventually cause the relationship to end, perhaps you can use that as motivation at least.

 

My wife had this way of causing me to lose it sometimes. I never got violent but I was known to raise my voice and usually felt bad about it later. She was good at provoking me, but ultimately I take responsibility for it because they were my emotions that were out of control. It really pissed me off how she could remain calm during some of our arguments, and she lost it occasionally too just not nearly as often. This can become a pattern if you let it, so it's important to fix it now.

 

And I agree with popsicle, it takes a big man to admit this and take it head on. Best of luck to you!!

 

Ken

[I_Give_Up67]

I am by no means a professional, but I would stay away from anything negative that triggers the reinforcement of your trust issues (things in the media, this forum or certain parts of it, negative people in your life, etc), just negativity in general. Start surrounding yourself with and immersing yourself in positive things, especially those about love and the ideal. This is to reprogram your thinking/most, almost back to the point of how it was when you were a teenager, before you had all these negative notions of distrust. Put romance and sex at the forefront. You are naturally an adult with experiences, of course, but I find that if you read positive books that inspire hope, watch positive movies about love, and hang around positive and hopeful people, it will rub off on you as well. At least it works like that for me. I'm also good at living in the moment, not the past or future, though.

 

Popsicle, I have the most cynical and jaded friends ever:D, I don't even bother seeking their advice anymore on anything love related. I appreciate your suggestions, and they do jump out at me. Thank you!

 

haha Analyst over here mate I know what women are thinking before they know it themselves and it does me no favours.

 

You need to really get that thinking thing sorted first before anything else. It gets us all at some point but you have no reason and she sounds like a good girl. You will be kicking yourself for years if you lose her trust me I know first hand.

 

Everyone has a past you really just need to learn to be 100% about you and accept who you are. You might get hurt but it's about knowing you will be ok if you do.

 

 

Agreed my friend!

 

Thank you, I have a plan of attack coming together here. Can't believe how I've overlooked some of these....

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, I have the most cynical and jaded friends ever:D, I don't even bother seeking their advice anymore on anything love related. I appreciate your suggestions, and they do jump out at me. Thank you!

 

I meant reading forums, I_Give_Up!

 

They are mostly all negative (because happy people have no need to post).

 

But if you stay, maybe you can think about changing your handle. Maybe you can change it to "Love_Machine" or something like that, lol

 

Edit: Oh, you said your friends, sorry I misread. Yeah, I have some like that too. I just don't talk to them much either. What I said about the forum still stands though too.

Edited May 25, 2015 by Popsicle

[I_Give_Up67]

I have not experienced trust issues yet. I feel I may someday. I feel blessed that if either of my wived cheated on me they did so successfully so I don't have any reason to mistrust anyone based upon that hurt, but since I thought my wife loved me as much as I loved her yet she ended our relationship, I realize that she did not love me as much. That is a form of deceit that perhaps is all in my mind, but it feels real to me and it hurts.

 

I haven't gotten into a new relationship deeply enough yet to know if it will affect me but I have had times while married where I said or did things I later looked back upon and was ashamed of. I'm sure my wives both did too, we all do to some degree, but if you are finding yourself feeling "borderline insane", you may not be ready for a relationship yet.

 

I assume you have heard of the "love bank." With these outbursts you are making withdrawals. Obviously I can't know her feelings or how much she'll put up with, but maybe you can reflect on how much she means to you to help you get a grip. As long as you know it will eventually cause the relationship to end, perhaps you can use that as motivation at least.

My wife had this way of causing me to lose it sometimes. I never got violent but I was known to raise my voice and usually felt bad about it later. She was good at provoking me, but ultimately I take responsibility for it because they were my emotions that were out of control. It really pissed me off how she could remain calm during some of our arguments, and she lost it occasionally too just not nearly as often. This can become a pattern if you let it, so it's important to fix it now.

 

And I agree with popsicle, it takes a big man to admit this and take it head on. Best of luck to you!!

 

Ken

 

Ken, your story has been an inspiration to me, thank you for your take on my situation.

 

I feel you are so spot on, I am willing to do whatever it takes to change my behavior before she gives up on me. I know these issues are mine and have nothing to with her. I do feel I am ready for a relationship, but am now suffering because I never dealt with resolving my trust issues from past relationships. I do not want to let this one get away from me, so I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix my problem.

 

Thanks again friend!

[jen1447]

Being an engineer by profession, I tend to be very logical, but in this case I am being completely illogical with my mistrust.

 

That may be a problem right there. I mean this in the kindest possible way IGU67, but some of the dumbest people I know are very logical. Some don't have a shred of common sense and think of every problem as a math problem or something to solve with lab experiments. That's very lacking in social intelligence and emotional intelligence. And love really isn't logical anyway.

 

What to do about that? ....hm, reason less, feel more.

[I_Give_Up67]

I meant reading forums, I_Give_Up!

 

They are mostly all negative (because happy people have no need to post).

 

But if you stay, maybe you can think about changing your handle. Maybe you can change it to "Love_Machine" or something like that, lol

 

Edit: Oh, you said your friends, sorry I misread. Yeah, I have some like that too. I just don't talk to them much either. What I said about the forum still stands though too.

 

Popsicle, you are so right. I've tried to give up the forums, but it's like a drug to me. I am so glad that I'm not the only one that feels overwhelmed by the stories shared sometimes.

 

It was a godsend finding this forum, but I may need a bit of time off. As for the name change, I have been considering doing exactly that

[I_Give_Up67]

That may be a problem right there. I mean this in the kindest possible way IGU67, but some of the dumbest people I know are very logical. Some don't have a shred of common sense and think of every problem as a math problem or something to solve with lab experiments. That's very lacking in social intelligence and emotional intelligence. And love really isn't logical anyway.

 

What to do about that? ....hm, reason less, feel more.

 

Jen, what can I say? You have a way of breaking things down for us self professed geniuses out here, and putting it on a level that we can understand. i can't argue with you on this assessment one bit. Thank you!

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, you are so right. I've tried to give up the forums, but it's like a drug to me. I am so glad that I'm not the only one that feels overwhelmed by the stories shared sometimes.

 

It was a godsend finding this forum, but I may need a bit of time off. As for the name change, I have been considering doing exactly that

 

It serves a purpose at first, but then after a while, you've gotten what you needed. It's possible to just hang out only in certain parts that you find non-negative, I have done that before, I just don't feel like reading that stuff so I skip, or if you just need time off alltogether or get bored, that works perfectly too.

[Popsicle]

As far as feelings go, let yourself marinade in your positive feelings...

[I_Give_Up67]

As far as feelings go, let yourself marinade in your positive feelings...

 

Thank you Popsicle, whether I can save this relationship or not remains to be seen. But I will try to do just as you've suggested.

[Popsicle]

Thank you Popsicle, whether I can save this relationship or not remains to be seen. But I will try to do just as you've suggested.

 

Well, it's probably not at the point of needing "saving". And, of course it will be a great relationship! (it already is)

[Woggle]

I can write a book on trust issues with women and it nearly destroyed the best relationship I ever had and still have. I still have trust issues but honestly I don't trust men either but I don't date them so it was never that much of a worry for me. I found one woman who I trust and that is good enough for me.

 

Just realize women are individuals just like men are and realize they are capable of the same things. Make them earn your trust and vulnerability but don't take a guilty until proven innocent approach either.