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Is it ok to have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship?


missk803

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I'm curious because of a situation I was in with an ex where he had a best friend from h.s. whom he had also dated. His defense was that they dated in high school and that they were just friends now. I wasn't too cool with them still being friends regardless, but I ended up making a few discoveries that told me she still had feelings for him and he also didn't deny that he had feelings for her. So after that came out, I really had a problem with it. Long story short, it caused some major issues in our relationship but he refused to let her go no matter how uncomfortable I told him their friendship made me feel. He was even willing to break up with me rather than letting go of that friendship. Well, eventually, we broke up.

 

 

Well, It has been about 5 years now and my ex and I recently started communicating again. We spoke about what happened with our relationship and I expressed to him the female best friend was one of the major reasons why we didn't work out and to this day, it still bothers me, to the point where I really don't feel comfortable about trying to work things out with him again. He did date someone else who also had a problem with his best friend (gee, I wonder why) and I told him there won't be many out there who will be ok with him still holding on to that friendship. He agreed but he also said relationships come and go but friends will always be there and that's why he remains such a close friendship with her. Maybe, I don't understand because I don't have a close friendship with any guy I've dated in the past but I really can't see myself being involved in this type of situation again.

 

 

Am I being petty? Is having close friends of the opposite sex ever acceptable when in a serious relationship? And what about after you get married?

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IMO, context is everything. There isn't a blanket answer.

 

In your case, still being young and the 'friend' being a former lover of his, slippery slope.

 

IME, friends were either long-time *platonic* friends, or former spouses or partners with whom business has long been over.

 

As an example, I proposed to my wife at the house of a former boyfriend of hers ..... from 25 years prior. They, as most young people, had moved on in life, she having been married twice to other men. That male friend, and a core group of gals and guys she grew up with, stayed in touch over the decades. To me, that was healthy. We both had friends like that.

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ToOldForThis

Two of my close friends are ex’s. One I dated 35 years ago for 3 years then we became friends for the next 32 years. The other I dated 25 years ago and have been friends with her for 22 years. My recent ex could not deal with either of them. It also caused some fights, which really pissed me off. If I had any interest in rekindling a relationship from that long ago I would have. And, even it I did have that sort of interest; it would also the other person to have reciprocal feelings. That’s a lot of what ifs. I was basically given an ultimatum from my ex. Since I did not see the old exs very often I decided to keep my distance from them. For me that was a very disturbing choice, which caused me to resent my recent ex. She was basically saying “ I don’t trust you”

 

This really does comes down to trust. Even if ex’s still have some residual feelings for each other there are a lot of decisions to be made before both parties end up in bed together.

 

If you are in a good healthy relationship and the person you are with loves you and trusts you, it should never matter what friends are in your life. Temptation is only acted upon when a current relationship is in trouble.

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I have several friends of the opposite sex and I would not give up my friendships with them. If someone I was starting to date had an issue with that, we would not be a match. If he trusts me, then he has to trust that I would never do anything to cause issues in our relationship

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My ex of 4 years NEVER had a male friend throughout our relationship. But then she got a new job and she had a couple of male co-workers she would hang out with after work. This seriously bothered me to no end for two reason:

 

1) They're males.

2) I'm her first, so if she met a guy better than me I felt she would replace me. (She never made me feel this way, this was all in my head).

 

We broke up anyway, I was practically mad at her almost every time and it pushed her away enough to break it off.

 

Insecure? Yes.

Self-Conscious? Yes.

Although I regret how I handled all of that, I feel I had my reasons.

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IMO you're not being petty, you are being real about your feelings.

 

The fact that it has been five years since you two dated and he is still just friends with this girl, not pursuing her in a relationship manner, says a lot and seems like it truly is just a friendship.

 

However, if you are as consumed about it as you say, then yes it will be hard for you to get past it and enjoy a relationship with him again. If you can focus on what all good aspects you two shared, then maybe you can get past it. Just never make him choose you or her, because it indeed will cause resentment towards you in the long run.

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I'd never date a girl that was still friends with an ex. Ever. My first girlfriend was really close to a serious ex of hers to the point where where bedroom was filled with photos of him, them together and I still remember one of him in a little love heart frame... I was young and naive at the time and it didn't bother me because I'm a very relaxed, laid back type. Well turns out she was banging him all along whilst being in a relationship with me.

 

Friends of the opposite sex that aren't ex's? Not a problem for me.

 

Being a bloke I don't really have many female friends, none close for sure. I wouldn't get much out of a friendship with a female I think, I like hanging out with my male friends going to the football and drinking.

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LadyDeadpool

All the examples you've given haven't just been about friends that are opposite sex. They've been about friends who were EX's. That changes the game.

 

If you are friends with someone of the opposite sex and you know you don't like them/wouldn't even if they suddenly declared their love for you then that should be fine as long as your partner is stable in their understanding of their place in your life.

 

Now if they were your ex, someone you once loved, it's understandable for your partner to be a bit disapproving. You just need to evaluate truthfully if it really is over, and if you can cut ties if your ex makes a move.

 

Also is the friendship with the ex more valuable than the peace of mind of your current partner? It's ok if it is, but then you should probably end the relationship as in all likelyhood its not strong enough.

 

I know you're not in a relationship right now (I don't think), but that's how I'd look at it.

Edited by LadyDeadpool
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When you enter someone's life you cannot ask them to cut off friends they've had for years. If the fact they are good friends with an ex or a person of opposite sex bothers you then you don't start a relationship with them.

 

I would not get rid of my best friend from many years because of a new boyfriend's insecurity. Chances are that new boyfriend will end up breaking my heart and it's that best friend that will pick up the pieces.

 

Where I draw a line is about new friends of opposite gender. I will accept his females long term friends, if anything were to happened it would have happened already but new female friends would not be welcomed and I would not initiate new friendship with men out of respect of my boyfriend.

 

As for good friends being exs, actually I would prefer an ex as best friend. They had sex already which means there is no more sexual curiosity between them. I would be more wary about friends of opposite sex that have never slept together.

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1) They're males.

2) I'm her first, so if she met a guy better than me I felt she would replace me. (She never made me feel this way, this was all in my head).

 

We broke up anyway, I was practically mad at her almost every time and it pushed her away enough to break it off.

 

Insecure? Yes.

Self-Conscious? Yes.

Although I regret how I handled all of that, I feel I had my reasons.

 

That is faulty thinking. If she wasn't satisfied with you then you can't stop her from desiring other men. Whether or not you allow her to go out with the other guys she would still want them over you. Being controlling won't protect you and her from that fact. How will you stop her from meeting guys at the grocery store, on the bus, out with her friends, sweating at hot yoga?

 

On the flip side, if she desires you then it won't matter if she's around other men. In other words, the other guys aren't really part of the equation. It's really just about the strength of your relationship.

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That is faulty thinking. If she wasn't satisfied with you then you can't stop her from desiring other men. Whether or not you allow her to go out with the other guys she would still want them over you. Being controlling won't protect you and her from that fact. How will you stop her from meeting guys at the grocery store, on the bus, out with her friends, sweating at hot yoga?

 

On the flip side, if she desires you then it won't matter if she's around other men. In other words, the other guys aren't really part of the equation. It's really just about the strength of your relationship.

 

And now I know lol. I should of thought about that before. I should of trusted her more and trusted my place in the relationship.

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Am I being petty? Is having close friends of the opposite sex ever acceptable when in a serious relationship? And what about after you get married?

 

No, you're not being petty, since your ex admitted that he still had feelings for his h.s. ex-gf and she still had feelings for him. Why was he even dating if that was the case?

 

I would have had a major problem with that too because he was dishonest with you about his feelings for her. So, he essentially destroyed your trust and then tries to blame you for it, which is what's called 'gaslighting.' So, it's good that you got out of that relationship because he emotionally manipulated you while you dated him, from the sounds of it.

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I read the OP incorrectly so need to remove the part about young and slippery slope, which was based on an incorrect understanding of what was going on, and retain only the example of old lovers being friends in a healthy way.

 

On the flip side, if she desires you then it won't matter if she's around other men. In other words, the other guys aren't really part of the equation. It's really just about the strength of your relationship.

 

I tend to align with the above post in that, if a partner or spouse is going to stray or leave, attempting to control their social milieu is, or can be, a pretty impotent method to effect such control. In reality, short of imprisonment, there is no control. All their actions are voluntary.

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it's not ok, and i'm saying that due to how long i've been single and on the receiving end of these "friendships" from men. i don't know about women, but the men who befriend (or remain friends) with a female are just using the situation to get flattery, attention, validation, etc. from an outside source. they spend most of their time being flirty and not talking about interesting friendly subjects. i'd be upset if my man needed a female friend aside from myself... they really don't, imo. if they are maintaining friendships with women - or a particular woman - it's because of some feeling either there, lingering on, or some benefit he needs that the current gf/wife isn't giving. the partner should be first and other, opposite sex, friendships easily put aside.

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El Pallasso

Yes, you're being petty. You expect someone to instantly drop all their friends just because you became a part of their life. That's manipulative and controlling. It doesn't matter if they dated before he met you. That was in the past and he didn't know you.

 

Stop being so insecure. What he said was spot on. "Relationships come and go but friends stay for life". You proved him right. :rolleyes:

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Yes it is completely fine so long as one has boundaries and is transparent and the person is a friend of the relationship.

 

Most of my closest friends happen to be women and the ones who are guys most are gay , but I also have straight male friends. It's all a matter of being open, honest transparent and having boundaries.

 

I'm not really sure about what you're asking though, are you asking about being friends with exes or being friends with people of the opposite sex whom you've never dated. Those are very different things.

Edited by MissBee
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Yes, you're being petty. You expect someone to instantly drop all their friends just because you became a part of their life. That's manipulative and controlling. It doesn't matter if they dated before he met you. That was in the past and he didn't know you.

 

Stop being so insecure. What he said was spot on. "Relationships come and go but friends stay for life". You proved him right. :rolleyes:

 

You need to reread the OP's post. She discovered evidence that both her ex-bf and his ex-high-school gf still had romantic feelings for each other while the OP was still in a relationship with her ex-bf. The fact that she found this out doesn't make her petty, it makes her smart. Her ex-bf's response that he wasn't going to give up this woman whom he had lingering romantic feelings for the petty, manipulative and controlling. The OP was gaslighted by her ex-bf because she found out he was lying to her, and he tried to blame the OP for his own bad behavior. She was smart to get out of that relationship in my opinion.

 

From the OP's post:

Is it ok to have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship?

I'm curious because of a situation I was in with an ex where he had a best friend from h.s. whom he had also dated. His defense was that they dated in high school and that they were just friends now. I wasn't too cool with them still being friends regardless, but I ended up making a few discoveries that told me she still had feelings for him and he also didn't deny that he had feelings for her. So after that came out, I really had a problem with it. Long story short, it caused some major issues in our relationship but he refused to let her go no matter how uncomfortable I told him their friendship made me feel. He was even willing to break up with me rather than letting go of that friendship. Well, eventually, we broke up.

 

 

Well, It has been about 5 years now and my ex and I recently started communicating again. We spoke about what happened with our relationship and I expressed to him the female best friend was one of the major reasons why we didn't work out and to this day, it still bothers me, to the point where I really don't feel comfortable about trying to work things out with him again. He did date someone else who also had a problem with his best friend (gee, I wonder why) and I told him there won't be many out there who will be ok with him still holding on to that friendship. He agreed but he also said relationships come and go but friends will always be there and that's why he remains such a close friendship with her. Maybe, I don't understand because I don't have a close friendship with any guy I've dated in the past but I really can't see myself being involved in this type of situation again.

 

 

Am I being petty? Is having close friends of the opposite sex ever acceptable when in a serious relationship? And what about after you get married?

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I agree with PogoStick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We both have old - and new - OSFs. It works, because we're into each other, have good boundaries, and a great relationship.

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but I ended up making a few discoveries that told me she still had feelings for him and he also didn't deny that he had feelings for her.

 

Ask him to elaborate on those feelings. It doesn't mean he still has feelings of 'love' for each other but he has respect, friendship, attachment, and love as in human love.

 

I am friends with an ex. He would even quality as a 'best friend'. We dated something like 4 years ago. Somehow we are great friends, much better friends than we were bg-gf. I know I can count on him for everything and he knows I'm his 1 true friend he can count on me no matter what. Do we want to get back together as a couple? NEVER lol. Do I have feelings for him? Absolutely! Just the way I have feelings for my other close friends, I care a great deal for him and always will but I am not in love with him, that ship sailed away a long time ago.

 

So get him talking about that friendship and don't assume anything.

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Many reasons not to deal with opposite sex friends. Largest one is simply the potential for emotional affair. Talk about relationship issues with " friend " just betrayed the relationship. Can trust friend with anything, well just made partner #2. Talk to friend all the time, just took time and energy from relationship. Then friends with someone used to sleep with...Please.

 

Plus if get married there is this little thing called forsake all others...nothing about open to emotionally confide in the opposite sex and chat with former lovers.

 

Bloody hell, given the content of the cheating and breakup section here on top of general issues encountered all the time. Why it's not understood the very nature of opposite sex friends is toxic the majority of time with very few exceptions. His / her opposite sex friend improved our relationship...posted no one ever.

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If you hadn't gotten to know her and found out she was still after him and he was still weak for her, I'd say you were being too rigid. But WTF are these two doing being friends if they both have feelings for each other? Probably love each other but can't live together -- so they should just live separately but still see each other.

 

Once you know the girl is after your man, you cannot be expected to be okay with it continuing.

 

It would be different if he included you each time he saw here had you could see they were clearly just buddies and one or the other wasn't trying to play the other and make them jealous or all that. But that's not the case here.

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Opposite sex friends - no problem, as long as they're not the type of friends who spend the nights at each others' places every weekend and it's plain-obvious that friend has an interest beyond just friendship. Also no exes kept as friends.

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Yes, you're being petty. You expect someone to instantly drop all their friends just because you became a part of their life. That's manipulative and controlling. It doesn't matter if they dated before he met you. That was in the past and he didn't know you.

 

Stop being so insecure. What he said was spot on. "Relationships come and go but friends stay for life". You proved him right. :rolleyes:

 

 

 

No..you're making assumptions instead of fully reading everything I wrote. I never once said I wanted him to drop all of his friends when we got together, that wasn't the case at all. Matter of fact, let me just throw it out there that I actually met another female friend of his from h.s. that he also dated briefly and I had absolutely no problems with him talking to her and he didn't get why I was cool with that but not the best friend..you wanna know why I was? Because she actually respected our relationship. This best friend did not. As I stated above, I made discoveries that more than "just friends" feelings were still there. Example: This best friend decided to express to him after a year of us being together that she was still in love with him but she was pretty much forced to be with someone else and that she knew he was in love with her also but he was with me instead and never once did he deny it or correct her statement, which made me absolutely furious. Also, the calling whenever she felt like it to vent to him about her boyfriend and texting each other everyday didn't help.

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