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When you're dating and you don't feel like having sex...


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I've been exclusive with my boyfriend © for almost a month now and so far, I've been keeping our relationship decently paced. We see each other at least once a week because of our busy schedule, but we do text or talk at least once a day. Things are going fairly well, we go out on when we see each other and we usually have a fair decent amount of PDA (ie. hand-holding, kissing, touching... etc).

 

C makes it known he is attracted to me so much so, sometimes I know that he wants to take this to the next base. But I'm not ready. Inside, I'm a bubbling pot of anxiety. I haven't had sex since my ex dumped me back in January and I haven't been physically aroused at the idea of being physically intimate with another.

 

There is nothing wrong with C. He is attractive, and he has been understanding when I told him I wasn't ready.

 

I don't know when I'll be ready. I'm not a prude because if it had been 2-3 years ago, I would be open to having sex sooner. But those times when I had been sexually active, I was also making poor choices in life. Nowadays, I feel like I want to wait.

 

Does anybody feel like this? Like there's no rush into having sex? How does your partner respond to your adamant stance about not being ready for sex yet?

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fitnessfan365

I would be a lot more sympathetic if there was something about "C" that was giving you pause.

 

However, you're not ready yet because of bad decisions in your past that have nothing to do with him. So it's not really fair to make him wait around indefinitely because of your baggage. Since you don't know when you'll be ready because of your own issues, I don't know if you should stay with the guy to be honest. He sounds like a good guy and deserves a woman that will be fully invested in him and not stuck in the past. Just my .02...

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if you're not ready to have sex with your new boyfriend, then it could be that you are not over your ex, if you're basing things on baggage left over from him. You've only been broken up 4 months--how long were you two together?

 

It may be too soon to be back in the dating pool. I think you should cut this guy loose and not enter into anything until you are well and resolved with regards to your ex.

 

I was with my ex for 13 years, so it took about 3 1/2 years before I was OK with being intimate with another man, but it didn't actually happen for me until well over 5 years past the break up. Mainly because it's not fair to lure someone into a relationship then whip out the platonic card on them when you know you're not emotionally ready to be in that.

Edited by kendahke
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Red flags would be SCREAMING at me if the girl I was dating didn't want to be intimate with me after a couple of weeks of dating. Honestly, I think the most dates before I had sex with the girl was 4 and then she about raped me..lol

 

I agree strongly with the others that you need to cut this poor guy loose and work on your healing before dating again. It's not fair to the guy what-so-ever.

 

I've seen SSOO many threads on this site from WOMEN who get upset that the guy is NOT putting the moves on them after 3-5 dates. It screws with their confidence and self esteem. The think "am I not attractive"?

 

This guy is clearly more patient than 99% of single guys I know..

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La.Primavera

Sometimes it is difficult to be intimate with someone new after a breakup. Healing takes time, and it is different for everyone. The most important thing is to have honest and open communication so if waiting becomes an issue for him, he can tell you how he is feeling. With that in mind you have to accept the possibility that he might loose interest at some point.

 

However, I don't think that is any reason to end it right now. He might think you are really great and won't mind taking things slow. Just enjoy your time together and see where it goes.

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SycamoreCircle

I disagree with some of the above posts.

 

Take your time. But be honest about how you feel and why you feel this way. It's up to your partner to decide if you're worth the wait.

 

I know exactly how you feel, though and I think you're making the right choice.

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La.Primavera
Red flags would be SCREAMING at me if the girl I was dating didn't want to be intimate with me after a couple of weeks of dating.

 

Not everyone wants to be intimate within two weeks of dating. Some people want to get to know the person well or be in a relationship first. That isn't a red flag, just different priorities to yours.

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xpaperxcutx

But why should I be jumping into bed with him so soon? We see each other in total of 5 times (for dates). Even though I'm officially dating him for a month, I don't spend everyday with him. I don't want to rush into sex when I am still in the getting-to-know- you stage. Also, the both of us still live at home with our parent, so the likelihood of us even having sex is out of the question.

 

I'm not stringing him along. I told him from the very beginning that we are taking things slow and I'm not ready for anything physical. Why is everyone telling me to have sex with hime so soon when I just really want to be sure that he's the right guy for me? I don't want to be in a position wherein I have sex and place myself in a position of vulnerability to get hurt.

 

I've also became religious in the past 3 years so I think I do reserve the right to not rush into sex.

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Sex isn't an absolute component of a relationship. If both partners are ok without it, fine. Plus you do have all the other forms of intimacy, which is enough for some couples who take things slow.

 

I'd focus on communication like La.Primavera suggested so that you're sure there's no misunderstanding on either side. And be prepared for him to back out if he can't wait.

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Well one way to get over a man is to get under another.

Just a thought.

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xpaperxcutx
Red flags would be SCREAMING at me if the girl I was dating didn't want to be intimate with me after a couple of weeks of dating. Honestly, I think the most dates before I had sex with the girl was 4 and then she about raped me..lol

 

I agree strongly with the others that you need to cut this poor guy loose and work on your healing before dating again. It's not fair to the guy what-so-ever.

 

I've seen SSOO many threads on this site from WOMEN who get upset that the guy is NOT putting the moves on them after 3-5 dates. It screws with their confidence and self esteem. The think "am I not attractive"?

 

This guy is clearly more patient than 99% of single guys I know..

 

I see him once a week, so technically I have only seen him about 4- 5 times. It's almost been a month since we became official. I have only known him as a friend since Februrary. Even though he's just a friend, I haven't known much about him. Don't I reserve the right to get to know him more and take it slow? I'm not ready for sex but I haven't discouraged him or made him feel unattractive. I told him he was a very attractive guy and I made it a point to tell him from the beginning that i want to take things slow and get to know him.

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone who EXPECTS me to sleep with them after date 4.

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xpaperxcutx
Well one way to get over a man is to get under another.

Just a thought.

 

I would never use C as a rebound. He had previously asked me back in February but I wasn't ready. The reason I'm dating him now (since early May) is because I'm ready now to date again. I'm not using him for sex. I really just wanted to give him a chance but like I've said, I was emotionally honest with him that I really want to take things slow and to get to him and go from there.

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I'm not talking about you actually having the sex right now--I'm talking about you being in the head space where you are open to the idea of a new man in your intimacy, both emotionally and physically. You, by your own admission, are not there. You said:

But I'm not ready. Inside, I'm a bubbling pot of anxiety. I haven't had sex since my ex dumped me back in January and I haven't been physically aroused at the idea of being physically intimate with another.

 

Does this guy know all of this going on with you? Are you two even close enough, emotionally, to discuss the fact that you aren't over your ex yet? That is what I'm talking about when I speak of fairness. The way I read what you say, that door is shut and you have an aversion to even opening it up for discussion with a new guy. That tells me that you're not over your ex and if you're not, you should not be leading a new guy on to think that you are on a trajectory towards new romance and all it entails until you are well and done with processing out your ex and the demise of your last relationship.

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SycamoreCircle
Well one way to get over a man is to get under another.

Just a thought.

Maybe it's me, but I don't go in for this notion. I think too many people jump into relationships they're not prepared for. Being alone, post BU, is a necessary addendum to the relationship, in my opinion. And it could very well be years before you meet and are ready to let someone into your life again.

 

Dating can be viewed as something as ordinary as chewing food or as developmental as learning a new skill.

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xpaperxcutx
I disagree with some of the above posts.

 

Take your time. But be honest about how you feel and why you feel this way. It's up to your partner to decide if you're worth the wait.

 

I know exactly how you feel, though and I think you're making the right choice.

 

 

Thank you SycamoreCircle. I know I'm making the right choice. I'm not looking to get intimate soon because I don't want a relationship that based off sex. If he really wants to be with me, he will wait.

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organizedchaos
I see him once a week, so technically I have only seen him about 4- 5 times. It's almost been a month since we became official. I have only known him as a friend since Februrary. Even though he's just a friend, I haven't known much about him. Don't I reserve the right to get to know him more and take it slow? I'm not ready for sex but I haven't discouraged him or made him feel unattractive. I told him he was a very attractive guy and I made it a point to tell him from the beginning that i want to take things slow and get to know him.

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone who EXPECTS me to sleep with them after date 4.

 

So are you just dating? 4-5 times in a month isn't much. He's your boyfriend already?

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SycamoreCircle
Thank you SycamoreCircle. I know I'm making the right choice. I'm not looking to get intimate soon because I don't want a relationship that based off sex. If he really wants to be with me, he will wait.
I went out with a woman a couple of months back that said one of the most intensely romantic relationships she ever had lasted the span of a summer and there was no sex involved. This is in NYC, mind you and the woman was in fact, a sex therapist by trade!
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xpaperxcutx
So are you just dating? 4-5 times in a month isn't much. He's your boyfriend already?

 

Yes and yes. We're dating as boyfriend/girlfriend. The title is there is but we're still just dating.

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4-5 dates is fairly early on, so I wouldn't be panicking about it. You said that he wants to take you to 'next base' has he actually made any moves? When the time comes, just mention that you want to take things slowly. You're not obligated to do anything until you are ready. If he isn't comfortable with that he is not obligated to stay. If he is happy with that then I'm sure he will understand.

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xpaperxcutx
I went out with a woman a couple of months back that said one of the most intensely romantic relationships she ever had lasted the span of a summer and there was no sex involved. This is in NYC, mind you and the woman was in fact, a sex therapist by trade!

 

I'm from NYC too.

 

Yes, I would like to think that a relationship that is not solely based off of sex would be better than a relationship that is primarily physical.

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there is a difference between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. I notice you're conflating the two as if they're one thing.

 

SC's post is about emotional intimacy.

 

I'm asking about the emotional intimacy. Are you ready to let him into that?

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Ninjainpajamas

If you're not ready to have sex, then why be in a relationship?

 

I don't understand why a lot of women get into relationships or romantic circumstances with "one wing broken" and yet expect the guy to kind of help/assist you get over it and he's the one critiqued for not helping you and being as understanding as a butterfly because of it...basically helping yourself get over another guy or relationship, while with another guy...like wtf, how disrespectful or a slap in the face is that?...why even be in a romantic relationship then at all?

 

You're either ready for a relationship, or you're not...if you weren't in a hurry then you didn't need to jump into a relationship and yet you did, so you're clearly sending mixed messages...and then you're not even turned on or sexually interested then wtf? oh ok, it's because you ****ed so easy in the past, I get it...don't you think that's a further sign you shouldn't be with the guy or even in a relationship?

 

my goodness...who's got my gun? so i can shoot myself wrapping my mind around this kind of BS.

 

People need to stop just thinking of themselves and their own damn feelings/needs, and only what's in their best interest...just because you've been hurt and are damaged for whatever the reason may be, doesn't therefore give you the personal right to drag someone else through the mud, for your past drama...which has nothing to do with them.

 

Your past has NOTHING to do with the current relationship, so wtf...

 

why aren't the "past is the past" people around for this one? where are they when you need them. Oh right, it's only used when you're trying to sweep something under the rug rather than be accountable for something, that's right.

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xpaperxcutx
I'm not talking about you actually having the sex right now--I'm talking about you being in the head space where you are open to the idea of a new man in your intimacy, both emotionally and physically.

 

Does this guy know all of this going on with you? Are you two even close enough, emotionally, to discuss the fact that you aren't over your ex yet? That is what I'm talking about when I speak of fairness. The way I read what you say, that door is shut and you have an aversion to even opening it up for discussion with a new guy. That tells me that you're not over your ex and if you're not, you should not be leading a new guy on to think that you are on a trajectory towards new romance and all it entails until you are well and done with processing out your ex and the demise of your last relationship.

 

Yes, he knows. Back in February when we had hung out together (we're classmates) as friends, he told me he was attracted to me and wanted to go out with me. I told him then I had gotten out of a relationship (as had him) and that we're both not ready to be jumping into relationships so soon. We also talked about each other's past, having been in relationships where the ex was emotionally abusive, and I guess that kind of brought us closer. However, after that I didn't bother to get too close to him and we stayed as friends.

 

It's only in late April that I decided that maybe it was time to fully start moving on and start dating again, so I asked C if he still wanted to go out with me. He said he was still interested so I gave him a chance. Even though we decided on the first day that we are officially bf/gf, we are still, right now, in the dating, getting-to-know- you phase.

 

I have been nothing but honest with him since the first day, and even about my ex, I told him that my ex is no longer in my life.

 

I'm not ready for sex because we're still just dating. C wants to have sex because one, he is a young guy (23) and I am aware guys at his age are more likely to get turned on. He has told me repeatedly that he is incredibly attracted to me but he understands my position right now that all I want to do is date him and take it slow.

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If you're not ready to have sex, then why be in a relationship?

 

I don't understand why a lot of women get into relationships or romantic circumstances with "one wing broken" and yet expect the guy to kind of help/assist you get over it and he's the one critiqued for not helping you and being as understanding as a butterfly because of it...basically helping yourself get over another guy or relationship, while with another guy...like wtf, how disrespectful or a slap in the face is that?...why even be in a romantic relationship then at all?

 

You're either ready for a relationship, or you're not...if you weren't in a hurry then you didn't need to jump into a relationship and yet you did, so you're clearly sending mixed messages...and then you're not even turned on or sexually interested then wtf? oh ok, it's because you ****ed so easy in the past, I get it...don't you think that's a further sign you shouldn't be with the guy or even in a relationship?

 

my goodness...who's got my gun? so i can shoot myself wrapping my mind around this kind of BS.

 

People need to stop just thinking of themselves and their own damn feelings/needs, and only what's in their best interest...just because you've been hurt and are damaged for whatever the reason may be, doesn't therefore give you the personal right to drag someone else through the mud, for your past drama...which has nothing to do with them.

 

Your past has NOTHING to do with the current relationship, so wtf...

 

why aren't the "past is the past" people around for this one? where are they when you need them. Oh right, it's only used when you're trying to sweep something under the rug rather than be accountable for something, that's right.

 

This is so on point ^^^

 

AND.. I don't EXPECT anyone to sleep w/me or anyone else by date 4 or pick a number. I'm only going by what I've experienced and by what EVERYONE thinks is the norm is when adult people are dating.

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Photofinish
I've been exclusive with my boyfriend © for almost a month now and so far, I've been keeping our relationship decently paced. We see each other at least once a week because of our busy schedule, but we do text or talk at least once a day. Things are going fairly well, we go out on when we see each other and we usually have a fair decent amount of PDA (ie. hand-holding, kissing, touching... etc).

 

C makes it known he is attracted to me so much so, sometimes I know that he wants to take this to the next base. But I'm not ready. Inside, I'm a bubbling pot of anxiety. I haven't had sex since my ex dumped me back in January and I haven't been physically aroused at the idea of being physically intimate with another.

 

There is nothing wrong with C. He is attractive, and he has been understanding when I told him I wasn't ready.

 

I don't know when I'll be ready. I'm not a prude because if it had been 2-3 years ago, I would be open to having sex sooner. But those times when I had been sexually active, I was also making poor choices in life. Nowadays, I feel like I want to wait.

 

Does anybody feel like this? Like there's no rush into having sex? How does your partner respond to your adamant stance about not being ready for sex yet?

 

 

 

It is YOUR choice. You do not owe this man nothing. A relationship can thrive without sex. He wont die and would probably be willing to wait.

 

You're not ready do NOT let anyone pressure you . Wait as long as you need to . You dont need to tell him anything , if he wants to move to the next base tell him you're not ready. If he has a problem with this and you leave him because he doesnt care about you.

 

Why do people assume sex is mandatory for a relationship? If he cares more about sex then the relationship then he doesnt care about you. Period.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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