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What if this is as good as it gets (dating with a disability)


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Hi everyone. I have some questions regarding dating with an "invisible disability". I was hit hard by a relapse 5 years ago (I have an autoimmune arthritis that affects young people, non fatal) and now I'm on a pension (at 45 years old! :( ). I'm independent and self sufficient but the relapse wiped out a big chunk of my life when I had to stop work. I've rebuilt as much as I can and all I do now is get by.

 

I get having stability and independence is a big win for someone in my position but it's been 5 years already, how much longer do I have to wait to be dateable? What if where I am now is as good as I can get my life? I don't fit the stereotype of a person with a disability and I'm not going to be stuffed into a corner and forgotten about. I'm attractive (a former dancer and model, my inbox lights up on dating sites when I post snaps), I'm exceptionally bright (Mensa), I've had my own business and am driven (and likely will have another business, micro business this time). I already married and had a family (both long since gone), and I don't have any real debt to speak of (or any other kind of entanglements). I'm mentally sound (apparently this is a thing :confused:). I'm sure even with a chronic illness and a poverty line existence I can still do better than a dreary Mr wishy washy I find physically repulsive (assuming I have to talk to this person and have sex with him and don't mind if he's non committal to boot - I do mind, I mind very much), I've run into a few nasty ones who are wolves in sheeps clothing too. I'm looking for a partner, not a warm body and no one likes being used.

 

Moving along. What to tell potential dates? When work comes up it's a conversation killer. How much to disclose and when? I'm guessing guys think I want them to support me financially and care for me physically (I don't, and losing my agency in a relationship is a big no no for me). The best places to meet people? Online I'm sorry to say online is a washout. I don't go to groups where there is a high turnover either, there's no accountability and they attract trouble. I'm looking to meet quality, genuine people with integrity and I want to avoid the singles scene completely. I'm thinking making some new friends and meeting a partner that way but at 45 there aren't so many of us out and about at my age.

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Oh, I hear you about the age thing, even when the OLD inbox is lighting up - so many damaged people out there, all looking for someone and all shying away. That's the hardest bit I think.

 

But back to your question. D'you know what? If you get yourself out there meeting people IRL then wait until you find someone you click with. Go on a couple of dates (without mentioning it - hard I know) and then when it seems like it might be useful to give them the extra info, do so. Offering up the "big guns" too early might be a turn off. Unless you get lucky and meet someone who has you feeling so comfortable that you want to talk about it.

 

It's all a game of luck and chance I find. And I hope your luck is good.

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Online dating is pretty funky, I need eyes in the back of my head on there but if you don't declare everything upfront (preferably on your profile) people assume you're being deceptive. I have valid reasons for holding back beyond just frightening people off, because I don't look sick the term "disability" or even "chronic illness" attracts personal attacks, troublemakers and predators. I've had a hell of a time with ignorance and people up to no good and it's amplified online, I've had to be very cautious about what I tell people and who I let into my life.

 

IRL is better for me, I generally dated through friends and acquaintances anyway so that way works for me. It's not easy getting out not knowing what's there waiting for me and I get tired of making the trips only to not connect with or even meet people at the other end. It's a lot of energy and resources I don't have a lot of to spare and I find small talk draining, going out to maybe meet strangers isn't fun for me, it's work.

 

I can never get past the "what do you do" question, I have no idea how to answer it so I end up either telling them I'm off sick, or lying and telling them I work in hospitality (I did work in hospitality years ago). I don't like having to do that but people ask, they expect an answer and I feel put on the spot. Am I wrong in thinking asking someone you don't know what they do is rude (like you're asking them how much money they make)? I'm of the opinion if someone wants to tell you information they'll be judged for it's for them to volunteer it not for someone to ask, I do think it's rude to. I realize a lot of people who ask are just trying to make conversation but how do you respond to the question without coming across as defensive or evasive? What do I even say? Do I just pretend I didn't hear them or that I misheard them and give them an answer to a different question? Do I brush it off with a glib answer or humour? Some people get away with lying about work for the same reason I do (because it's a touchy subject) but their life is pretty straight forward beyond that where as mine it's like the bad news just keeps coming and I can't help but feel that it's too much for people to take in. I've had people call me a liar because they can't believe any one person would have been through so much and that after all that I'd still be in one piece. I do have to admit my story is very confronting to people who want to hang onto the idea the world is a fair and just place (I'm living proof it isn't).

 

The stigma and ignorance is a lot to deal with. Honestly a lot of the time I think I'm wasting my time trying, that I should either move to a more friendly city, or just forget about meeting new people in general and just try and do some kind of project work from home, focus on making enough money to compensate for not having a support system. Everywhere I go I feel like a pariah and I don't want to end up turning into a catfish just to get past peoples ignorance and get a fair go. The only places open to me it seems are places where people play up, unfortunately while some "disadvantaged" people are like myself many, many more do fit the stereotype of selfish people who put themselves in bad situations, won't take responsibility for themselves and prey upon anyone they see as doing better than them and I have had trouble with people stealing from me and trying to drag me into things. What I'm looking for is acceptance but what I'm getting instead is judgement and I've got no idea how to turn that around. I could really use some suggestions.

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You don't need to include it in your profile. Yes, you will do better meeting people the old fashioned way.

 

In this case I think it's best to be upfront when you meet someone and the conversation comes up. Eventually you will meet someone who feels your issues are insignificant. We all have flaws and have to find a partner who will accept us for who we are.

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I hate to be negative but there are some very real practical risks involved in strangers knowing my position. I've already had problems with men who prey upon vulnerable women, addicts (who somehow seem to have radar for ears) who see pain patients as a way to get prescriptions, vigilantes who think I'm rorting the system and a whole lot of discrimination (because I don't look sick so therefore must be faking, and I have to take pills so must be a drug addict). I'm not in a position where I can afford to take those sort of hits and that doesn't look like changing any time soon.

 

To have to tell people so much information before I know enough about them to see if they are level headed and can be trusted vs my need to protect myself means we're at a stalemate (it's not just one question, they pry, want to know what I do for money and question my illness when I don't look sick, I've even had accusations of malingering and been called a bludger). So after talking it out I think my best option is to stop looking and brush off difficult questions. I'm tired of feeling on the back foot so I'm going to reverse the situation and clam up until someone else makes the effort and I see they are responsible and can be trusted before I give them a chance instead of the other way around (I met a woman the other night who I could see was trustworthy and I was able to tell her, we swapped numbers so I know it happens on the friendship front). Other people have had it their way for too long, they can start making concessions for me now. I went out on a limb, there must be other people around who put themselves out there too.

 

I may have a chronic illness and be broke but in the bigger picture I'm doing a lot better than many people my age, a lot are keen to point fingers who themselves aren't doing so well and I'm wondering if the way some are behaving might be out of spite (she has a disability, how come she's doing better than me, I'm sure this is where a lot of the "she's a drug addict/faking" is coming from). I just refuse to let malicious people like that dictate what I'm allowed, it's not their call.

 

I think I just needed to talk it out. Thanks for the feedback :)

Edited by up-late
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Like I said, meeting people offline. If you date people from your social groups then you will both already know about each other. Coworkers, friends of friends, people you meet while volunteering; that is a much different dating pool than strangers from the internet.

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I've had my own business and am driven (and likely will have another business, micro business this time).

 

OK, jobwise, you say you are self employed and are in a hiatus and are considering your options at the moment, which is true.

 

You are not looking for a carer, you are independent and have a pension, so there is no need to feel you have to show your disability card, it is none of their business.

There is no need for you to adopt the sick role any longer, just get back to being a normal person enjoying life.

Many people have chronic illnesses that need medication, no-one is going to shout down a person with high blood pressure, and no-one would give it a second thought re dating, but your prognosis may be a lot better long term than theirs is.

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OK, jobwise, you say you are self employed and are in a hiatus and are considering your options at the moment, which is true.

 

You are not looking for a carer, you are independent and have a pension, so there is no need to feel you have to show your disability card, it is none of their business.

There is no need for you to adopt the sick role any longer, just get back to being a normal person enjoying life.

Many people have chronic illnesses that need medication, no-one is going to shout down a person with high blood pressure, and no-one would give it a second thought re dating, but your prognosis may be a lot better long term than theirs is.

 

^^^This! Well said....:)

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@ katiegrl. Thanks :)

 

@ PogoStick. I usually did date from my social group for the reasons you stated but that social life went when work did. I took it for granted, not unlike the way people at college do I guess, you think you're going to know those same people forever.

 

The social side of things is slow coming along. I've ditched the social events (meetup.com especially which seems to attract a lot of creeps, the pick up artists using it as a practice ground and pushy people in general who want to know everyone's business). I just go to hobbies I have a passion for and special interest groups now. Volunteering is on the agenda, there is an application process and a waiting list, I'm looking into the arts and culture positions, I studied fine art in my teens straight out of school and I'm born and breed here so already know a lot of the local history.

 

I've also been considering moving to Melbourne to start over fresh thinking a move might get me out of the rut I've been trying to pull myself out of and give me fresh eyes, or at least go down and check it out anyway, haven't got there yet. I'm two minds, I could make the move seeing as I have few things holding me here but having lost so much I'm craving familiarity too.

 

I have no idea how long it takes to rebuild your life so I don't know if I'm "on schedule" but I don't feel like I've been making much progress, going in circles mostly.

 

@ elaine567 Every other person online says they're self employed, it's code for unemployed :laugh: I was studying last year so I told people I was a student (even though it was only part time), before then I just said I was in hospitality and taking time off if they pressed me, I didn't tell them it had been 4 years since I worked unless I got to know them a bit and let my guard down. I keep forgetting I'm still doing things because I don't have the experience of going into a workplace anymore but I haven't been as idle as I feel (it's the overachiever in me), I was also selling paintings and doing some seamstress work, I feel lame saying that though.

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in the last paragrah, you say you do not like fast-turnover groups as there is no accountability? accountability of/for what?

 

nobody has ever asked me to account for myself, this seems like a lot to ask, idk, next time just be in the moment

Edited by darkmoon
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in the last paragrah, you say you do not like fast-turnover groups as there is no accountability? accountability of/for what?

 

nobody has ever asked me to account for myself, this seems like a lot to ask, idk, next time just be in the moment

 

Anonymity in other words, there is no way to know anything about anyone's background because no one knows them there, few are there long enough. It's easy for people to go there who are up to no good because there is no one there they know and you don't see the same faces very often. An example would be a married man looking to have an affair.

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and I want to avoid the singles scene completely.

that won't be possible because to meet someone you have to go where singles go.

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Anonymity in other words, there is no way to know anything about anyone's background because no one knows them there, few are there long enough. It's easy for people to go there who are up to no good because there is no one there they know and you don't see the same faces very often. An example would be a married man looking to have an affair.

 

you will find this wherever you go, complete strangers, some turn out fine

 

but what of starting out as friends? tomboy-like, friends are much more forgiving than sex partners, boyfs etc, you get a chance to give of yourself without query, and your illness will be secondary to your good nature or wit or whatnot

 

married men? yeah, but if you can not phone them at home, it is goodbye, this test is your best filter

Edited by darkmoon
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