kaylan Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 (edited) So Ive been seeing this girl for the last several months. At first things were just casual, and then we became exclusive, but still hadnt used the bf/gf labels. Last month she brought it up and pushed for us to use those labels, and made the good point that we already acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. I told her I needed to think about things as I have been single for the last several years. Calling someone my girlfriend, I usually need to be pretty sure about them and our potential. So Ive been really thinking about how we click, and about other compatibility over the last few weeks. There are certain differences between us that have really bothered me, and I feel like today may have finally iced things. Anyways, so today we were watching the news and the Josh Duggar molestation scandal came on tv. Josh Duggar apologizes amid molestation allegations, quits Family Research Council - The Washington Post For those who dont know, hes one of the family members of a long running reality show....and it came to light that when he was a teenager he had molested several young girls and was never charged for it. I made my disgust known while we watched the news. Amongst other things I say "damn I wonder how his wife feels...I cant imagine how it feels having something like that blow up in public"...and the girl Im seeing goes on to say "well maybe he's changed...hes like in his 30s and has kids now" Hes actually 27, and I tell her "its not like we've never heard of molesters who sexually abuse their own kids. I mean would you date someone who had a past like that" And she goes on to reply "well if it was really long ago, and they learned from it and changed then Id be concerned with who they are today." And Im like "oh really? So if I told you I actually raped someone 10 years ago youd be ok with that?" And she replies "if it was the past and you learned from it...and lead a positive life now, Id be concerned with how you treated me. You didnt rape me. If you came to me and told me about something bad from your past, Id judge you on how youre living now." And I just felt disgusted to be honest. Because we know how traumatic and/or violent sexual abuse might be...so I was shocked by her feelings. And I just have a hard time being understanding of someone who preyed on and hurt another individual when they know right from wrong. I have a hard time wrapping my head around how someone can consider dating someone like that. Personally I am very passionate about certain things...and I just feel like this girl can be very naive about things. She takes too many people on face value based on what I know of her. Look, Im not saying people can do bad things and not turn their life around. Its just really offputting to hear the kind of men the person youre seeing would be willing to date. Its like her standards are low in my opinion. And its not just this topic that bothers me. She never seems to feel strongly about any very serious social issue or serious matter in society. Its almost as if its not something affecting her directly right now, she doesnt have strong feelings on most things. Edited May 23, 2015 by kaylan Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 My opinion? You're very lucky to have this chick. Other than that last paragraph, which definitely seems like an incompatibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lansing Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Almost sounds like you do want to break up with her. I read the article. He was a teenager when it happened, went to his parents and police, the victims were involved, he told his wife before getting married... In this particular case I agree with your GF more than you. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 And for the record, I'd date a current sex offender. What is that these days? Snapchatting your boobs? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaylan Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 Almost sounds like you do want to break up with her. I read the article. He was a teenager when it happened, went to his parents and police, the victims were involved, he told his wife before getting married... In this particular case I agree with your GF more than you. I guess people are missing the part where she said she'd date someone who had raped someone. I was more bothered by that than by her saying she could look past the molestation thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 This is a rather tough one... I personally could not date a recovered sex offender. As a victim of assault I could never do it. But the strange thing is that I don't feel my rapist should live a condemned life. And I don't quite know why I feel that way... there's this irking notion in my brain that says I should be angry and wish that he would rot in hell. But I don't wish that. I strongly dislike the man... and am still scared by the thought of him and hope I never see his face ever again... but I don't hate him. I think the strongest factor is that I pity him. I don't presume to know whether the actions he had towards me are an indicator of who he is now. I really am in no position to say. He was belligerently drunk at the time. We had been friends for several months before hand. He lived next door. I was too trusting and ended up alone with him, and had no hope fighting off a 6'4 280 pound man. It was only when I stopped fighting, went limp, and began crying uncontrollably that he seemed to snap out of his drunken stupor. He got off and I bolted out the door, across the lawn, and into my house where I curled up on a couch until my roommate found me. I know in the morning he was horrified at himself. He has to live with the fact that he did that. I pity that... I do not think it is something he would do again in his life, and while I expect he did go on and have girlfriends, and perhaps even got married, it is not my business to have an opinion on the women who are with him. I doubt he would inform them... I imagine he's tried to put it behind him as much as I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaylan Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 ^Stories like yours is why I feel put off by a woman saying she would date a man whos sexually abused someone. I cant wrap my head around dating someone whos taken advantage of someone like that. Im so sorry you went through what you did. Link to post Share on other sites
El Pallasso Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Actions not words are what matter. This shouldn't even register a blip on your radar. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 ^Stories like yours is why I feel put off by a woman saying she would date a man whos sexually abused someone. I cant wrap my head around dating someone whos taken advantage of someone like that. Im so sorry you went through what you did. I know my opinion would not be any different if I hadn't gone through that. I could not date a sex offender. But I cannot expect others to do or think the same as me. In a sense, I'm relieved that I don't hate the man. I'm relieved that I feel pity for him, and know that he lives with himself... I suppose maybe it's just pure selfishness, that I simply find it too mentally exhausting to hold hate for him. It's for my own good that I let go of hateful thoughts towards him. Perhaps in a sense, it's the same for the woman you're talking to, where she senses that it is not worth the mental energy to hold things from the past against others. One thing I will say - I wonder, if she truly were faced with the decision to date a sex offender, would she actually do it? It's easy to say now, without any consequences, that she could be understanding. It's another thing to actually be faced with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 To me it would depend on the offense. As I understand the law, a minor who has sex with a minor is commiting a crime & can be required to register as a sex offender for the rest of their lives. How about an 18 year old getting caught having sex with his 17 year old girlfriend? Does he deserve to be a sex offender for life? In cases like that, it wouldn't bother me at all. I'd verify their record just to be sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 To me it would depend on the offense. As I understand the law, a minor who has sex with a minor is commiting a crime & can be required to register as a sex offender for the rest of their lives. How about an 18 year old getting caught having sex with his 17 year old girlfriend? Does he deserve to be a sex offender for life? In cases like that, it wouldn't bother me at all. I'd verify their record just to be sure. >>>"As I understand the law, a minor who has sex with a minor is committing a crime and can be required to register as a sex offender for the rest of their lives...<<< ^^^You mean BOTH the girl and the boy need to register as sex offenders right? Unless one actually raped the other, in which case only the rapist would be required. But two minors having consensual sex? It is doubtful the law would ever even get involved., unless the parents got wind of it and notified authorities. I think that is what happened with Josh Duggar. He told his dad, his dad notified authorities, but the statute of limitations had expired so it was too late to prosecute. Did he have consensual sex with these girls, or was it actual rape? I have read different versions via the media, so don't know what really happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 (edited) I'm confused. You said he was a teenager when he did it. He was a kid too in that case so they might have seen it as just fooling around, and that's why he wasn't charged. I would never date a sex offender. Edited May 23, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaylan Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 I'm confused. You said he was a teenager when he did it. He was a kid too in that case so they might have seen it as just fooling around, and that's why he wasn't charged. I would never date a sex offender. 1 of the kids he molested is still a minor. Duggar is 27 now. Kinda tells you how young one of the girls was when he did it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I understand how you feel. I'm also a justice-oriented person and the values of my partner are very important to me. I don't think I would prefer to be with someone who doesn't share my major values. A lot of people are as you say: they really only care about something if it affects them personally. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Atascadero prison did a 30-year program of rehabilitation for violent sexual offenders and had zero success, as detailed in a PBS documentary several years ago. Profilers say they can't be rehabilitated. It would be the same as telling you, Look, I know you only feel attracted to women, but that's illegal, so from now on, you must only have sex with men. You do get mixed stats on the prison release recidivism rate, but you must always keep in mind that for every crime you catch, there are 10 you will never know about. I have an idealistic friend who because she's just a kind forgiving person believes like that too, and it's no character flaw of the innocent person, but any research would prove them wrong about that. You can't cure people with love. Seeing his mother being used as a brood mare all those years probably had a direct effect on the errant Duggar. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 And for the record, I'd date a current sex offender. What is that these days? Snapchatting your boobs? Yep. look at some of these ridiculous situations. 7 Surprising Things That Could Make You A Sex Offender | Business Insider Pee in a lane way on your way home from the pub after closing time - you can be classed as sex offender for life. People need to get the full facts in an individual before calling them a rapsit or kiddie fiddler. I know Kaylan is not doing that but quite a few ignorant people do. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 It's all hypothetical. She's not dating a former rapist, she's dating you.. I disagree with her. But what is the issue? I agree with love weary that the final paragraph is where the issue lies. Link to post Share on other sites
johndoe2 Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 "Sex offender" is practically a meaningless term legally, considering what's included in it. Dating a rapist or child molester is not the same question as dating a guy who got caught peeing in public, or dated a woman 2 years younger than him when he was 19. Or went streaking once when he was a teenager. In the last three cases, they shouldn't be regarded as sex offenders. Personally, being pretty libertarian leaning myself, I would say they shouldn't even be regarded as criminals and it's a failure of the system that they should be forced to be categorized along side rapists and child molesters. So given the imperfections in the system, to make an appropriate judgment I think you'd have to know what specifically they did to get on the registry. Felonies/violent crimes are probably where I draw the line. Honestly, if I were seeing a woman and found out she had a criminal record for a victimless crime, I would think almost nothing of it, since if a crime is victimless, it likely shouldn't be a crime to begin with, even if it's technically considered 'sexual' like streaking or flashing. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 1 of the kids he molested is still a minor. Duggar is 27 now. Kinda tells you how young one of the girls was when he did it. Damn. That's horrible. There's a reason why repeat offenders are chemically castrated. It's one of the only crimes that there is no successful rehabilitation for. Link to post Share on other sites
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