So what's the final word on the phone call after the 1st date? (yeah, 1st date sex.)

[yellowrose]

Okokokokok. I know I'm not supposed to have sex on the first date.

 

But it happened.

 

We met back in March and have stayed in touch, mostly through e-mail and a few phone conversations. We had one extremely casual get-together back then that I wouldn't consider a "date" date, but it was nice. We took our kids to the park and talked about all sorts of stuff while we pushed them on the swings and such.

 

Cliff's Notes on the date:

TONS in common. Like crazy, weird stuff. Maybe he's my long lost brother. Eww! Let's hope not. At any rate, had a fantastic time! No stress, really easy, lots of laughter, super sweet, great evening. Made out like teenagers, tried to keep it cool but blew it because I simply didn't want to. Lots of passion (safe passion, of course) and he assured me that he thought it was more than a one night stand.

 

Great kisser, the sex was reasonably hot, all night cuddling, equally affectionate in the morning, we both said, "That was great! The whole night was wonderful. I really want to do that again soon."

 

Then I walked him to the door, he kissed me goodbye and said, "I'll e-mail you later. I'll send you something funny."

 

Yeah. That was Thursday (yesterday) morning.

 

Had the date not included sex, I'd be fine with not hearing anything for up to 3 days. But I feel like since it did, that it's not unreasonable to at least have heard something since then.

 

Am I nuts? I'm listening to too much of this "He's Just Not That Into You" crap and it's making me second guess stuff. I don't remember what seems reasonable anymore! Am I stressing out over nothing? I mean, really, it's been a day and a half.

 

What do you guys think? What's decorum nowdays?

[hugznkisses21]

my bf said he used to do the wait a couple day rule to not look too eger....i say give it a couple of days...men r like that.....plus i called my bf after the first date ....belive it or not he was afraid to call cause he thought i didnt want to see him again......fear of rejection can do funny things

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by yellowrose

 

Am I nuts? I'm listening to too much of this "He's Just Not That Into You" crap and it's making me second guess stuff. I don't remember what seems reasonable anymore! Am I stressing out over nothing? I mean, really, it's been a day and a half.

 

What do you guys think? What's decorum nowdays?

 

You are not nuts. Don't let the book stress you out, or second guess. Just sit back and see how long it takes. If you start to get antsy after a few more days, give him a call or an email to say hello and that you enjoyed your date. Then maybe during that phone call, if he is warm, personal and seems happy to be talking to you, you'll be on your way to date #2. If when you call, you find that he is cold, distant, short and impersonal and makes no mention of going out again then you can say 'thanks again for a great time, see you later' and then hang up on a positive note. Then write him off.

[yellowrose]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

 

So it's Saturday evening and still no call, no e-mail, no nothin'.

 

Christ! Isn't 33 a little old to be lying to women in order to have sex? I stopped things and we had a very clear conversation about how if he had no intention of taking advantage of the potential that's here that I'm fine with sex (I was pretty revved up at that point) but to be straight with me about it. He assured me that was not at all the case, citing all the stuff we had in common, that he wasn't "one of those guys who gets scared", that we had kids the same age, that he had no intention of it being a one night stand. Then the thing the next morning about wanting to do it again soon and how he had such a great time.

 

3 days later, nothing? This officially makes him a jerk.

 

grr.

[Patiently waiting]

I met a guy yesterday at work, had lots of tequila shots last night, uhhh, had sex........we were supposed to go out tonight, he called and cancelled this afternoon. Said he got invited to a family gathering with the ex's family (first time ever, they have been divorced 3 years I think). He said he wasn't gonna go cause we had plans already, but his 7 year old daughter started to cry so he decided to go. Do you think that's the truth? I have heard he is VERY protective of his daughter and sees her all the time, he lives close to the ex (who also has 2 kids from a prior marriage) so I guess it's possible........

 

I am just kinda bummed, had a babysitter lined up and everything. Hope he didn't think I was "that kinda girl" I mean I'm not in high school anymore, far past that stage........ But, I'm not real shy in the bedroom, even the first time.....hope he doesn't think I'm too overwhelming...... He seemed to be having fun!

 

And, yes....I know I was warned......but I can't help it, tequila + hot guy + me = sex! I am in my prime you know......

[yellowrose]

Patiently,

 

That's kind of where I'm at. I know that this "just isn't how it is", but WHY is this SUCH a double standard?

 

I like sex! I don't think there's a thing wrong with it in the world so long as the couple is honest, safe, and respectful. I'm also not going to pretend that I don't enjoy sex just so the guy won't think I'm a slut.

 

What is that? He can act like he wants it and enjoys it, but if we enjoy it it's bad? Is that really still a common belief?

 

And it still pisses me off that if I like a guy, want to have sex with him and do it, that he's wired in such a way that it will make him go away. Does he leave because it somehow cheapens me in his eyes?

[Patiently waiting]

I think what it is, is that the "chase" is over. They got the prize too easy so they didn't have time to really "fall for us" yet. There's a saying "a man chases a woman til she catches him" Maybe it's true? I'm not really sure.....

 

But in my case, I don't care if he calls me again really. My ego won't be damaged, it's mostly the rumors that may start at work. I had been seeing a MM at work for nearly a year and the rumors went flying! Everyone found out. But, sadly just 4 days ago he stopped calling me (his wife was on the trail), we tried to be friends but it was too hard. I really love him still. I got together with this other guy mostly cause I was lonely and missing my MM. It helped me to not think about it if only for a moment....... But now, I am wondering if my MM will find out. What will he think of me? I know it sounds ridiculous but i feel as if I have cheated on HIM! What if there was ever a chance that he WAS going to leave his wife (he said he was unsure if he would stay in his marriage, but was going to give it a shot), did I ruin my chances by being with someone else? I mean I know I have every right to be, but I don't want him to think that I actually have already moved on. It's just a facade.......

[yellowrose]

I am the wrong person to get into this discussion with.

 

If you simply must know, feel free to go back and read my early posts.

[Patiently waiting]

I hear ya', I have also been the W who was cheated on (if that is what you are referencing....). I have been in just about every situation imaginable......I try not to judge anyone based on the moral aspect or how I personally feel about what they are doing. I just try to be helpful to anyone I can no matter what their situation is at the time. Sorry if I offended you......

[bebop]

Am I nuts? I'm listening to too much of this "He's Just Not That Into You" crap and it's making me second guess stuff. I don't remember what seems reasonable anymore!

 

Somewhere else on these boards someone mused about how many suddenly-dropped confused/hurt guys may be out there now due to this book being taken too seriously too quickly. Probably quite a few. I think this book is making many, many people totally crazy these days. On the other hand, situations like yours . . . it doesn't sound good, I'm sorry.

 

I just went through, am GOING through, a very odd situation myself, and I really had to fight the He's Not That Into You Influence and just remember to use my head, as I would have before the damn thing was published.

 

During my later thirties and early forties I willingly freewheeled around considerably with many a guy with no regret. Post-divorce, lots of one-nighters, flings, quickies, all kinds of fast stuff. (I'm a woman, btw.) It was a phase. Long, but a phase nonetheless. I wasn't interested in anything committed. Now, I am, and I made a promise to myself of no more one-night-stands or quickies. I'm just in a different place now. And I'm really enjoying being there.

 

It sounds as if he chased and caught and is onward away, I'm so sorry. Never feels good, unless it's what both parties want. During my long playtime phase, I wanted the same as my partners, so short encounters were not injurious to anyone. Both have to want the same things out of the aftermath.

[sdguy]

Well, I've had my share of one night stands and first date sex and I must say, the proof is in the pudding. If the guy doesn't call, then he's not interested. If he's interested, then he will call. Simple as that. Dont' come up with crazy scenarios in your mind about him being taken hostage by terrorists or his phone getting lost in a pond, etc. I'd say I've called back about 20% of the girls that I've had a casual one nighter with. The others I don't care to see again. It was a drunken thing and I wasn't attracted enough to want to see them again. Double standard? You bet. Unfair? Maybe. Reality? Yes.

 

I don't think there's a fast and hard rule about how many days to wait. If I say that I'll call later, then I usually do call. I think most guys who are interested will call or email within 48 hours of the date just to say hello. Also, they will only do so if they want to enter a relationship. He may just call next week or something but then in that case, he wants just a casual sexual relationship, not a committed one.

[sdguy]

I've heard about but never read the He's not that into you book. But from the sound of it, I'd have to agree with the basic statement. The proof is in the pudding. If he's interested, he'll call. If he's too much of a wimp to call, then you don't want a guy like that. Gotta have some standards.

 

On the flip side, I've found that calling a girl too soon and showing too much interest has the negative effect of seeming desperate or too rushing. So personally, I sometimes even tell a girl that I'd call and not call for a day or two afterwards. The anticipation does seem to make the girls more interested. And before you go chopping my head off, you have to admit to yourself that most women like a guy who has self-control. I'm not saying being deceitful, but I do have the right to call or not call a girl when I want. Just because she wants me to call her the very next day doesn't mean I should. And if I'm interested, I will call eventually. If I don't, then I'm not interested.

 

I'd say 1-3 days is normal for a guy who is interested. 3-7 day range is typically more of a casual sex thing. Anything past 7 days, I'd just write off.

[Altaira]

Does your acceptable time frame for guys calling include Messenger messages?

 

After a "first date" which wasn't a typical first date because the guy and I were very close before meeting, he hasn't called but instant messages me, with sweet and caring messages, although they aren't everyday like t hey were before meeting. But he's apologized and explained why.

 

Can a guy really be too busy, for example if he is the boss for a government office and had issues like with a new auto purchase and wasn't getting home until late and has to work early, 6am?

[kitkat826]

Does your acceptable time frame for guys calling include Messenger messages?

 

After a "first date" which wasn't a typical first date because the guy and I were very close before meeting, he hasn't called but instant messages me, with sweet and caring messages, although they aren't everyday like t hey were before meeting. But he's apologized and explained why.

 

IMs are especially shady territory. It really doesn't take much to type some words on an IM, no matter how ambivalent you are about someone or how many other people you are seeing.

 

My case in point: I am seeing two guys, one of whom I have ambivalent feelings for. I have not seen him since our last date on Friday night, and am not sure if I want to see him again, but I always make sure to say hi and have a nice conversation when I see him online. I'll probably keep doing this until I make a decision one way or another. It's a punked out way to smooth over an akward situation and win points without having to put in much effort.

[Altaira]

What if the messages are more than "hi, how are you", but instead are "I miss you a lot, I love you very much, etc.

[newbby]

yellow rose,

theres still a double standard, this came up on another thread. the conclusion was that the double standard is more biological than conditioned. the only way to not feel bad after having sex (for a woman) is to make sure that the guy is really into you first, even loves you. i know that you had that conversation but was that kind of foreplay conversation?