JustACaringGF Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now my boyfriend is 26 i am going on 30 come June. Well his best friend and twin brother were killed in a car wreck by a drunk driver about six months ago. He was initially very distraught and very depressed but then about a month after that he was diagnosed with Testicular cancer. So its honestly been rough. Well a couple weeks ago he tried to take his own life and has been in the hospital since. I have been going to see him daily. I love him and i would do anything for him but at the same time all of this has made me reevaluate everything and i feel like maybe i should cut him lose because i am scared of losing him and i feel like if i lose him on my own terms then maybe it will be less painful ya know? Honestly don't know what to do, i haven't ever felt so deeply in-love with a guy before but all of this has me scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Krieger Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I would only leave someone if she did not get help and talk to a therapist. Yea it sucks he been through a lot but he need help and should be getting the help he needs. I would be supportive as I can and staying positive it will get better. There a lot of things this guy can do and he should do to help him through what he going through. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 That really is a lot for the both of you to deal with. There's nothing wrong with re-examining the relationship because of this. This is the hard stuff that is meant to challenge your relationship. Don't rush the decision. Take your time, talk it out with a counselor if you think it could help. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Sounds like hes going through a lot! A hell of a lot he needs someone supportive very supportive can you be that person ? It could take a year or two with your issues on the backburner for a while but hopefully you love him enough to consider taking the leap of faith that he will come out okay. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now my boyfriend is 26 i am going on 30 come June. Well his best friend and twin brother were killed in a car wreck by a drunk driver about six months ago. He was initially very distraught and very depressed but then about a month after that he was diagnosed with Testicular cancer. So its honestly been rough. Well a couple weeks ago he tried to take his own life and has been in the hospital since. I have been going to see him daily. I love him and i would do anything for him but at the same time all of this has made me reevaluate everything and i feel like maybe i should cut him lose because i am scared of losing him and i feel like if i lose him on my own terms then maybe it will be less painful ya know? Honestly don't know what to do, i haven't ever felt so deeply in-love with a guy before but all of this has me scared. I think that you need to find a support group to attend and talk your feelings out with. You are a victim of this attempt, even if he didn't mean for you to be, and you need to get through this just like him. I would not suggest cutting ties just yet, because you're not able to really think clearly about all of this. This is an enormous situation that you have been dealt, and pretty traumatic. Don't make rash decisions - but look into some personal counseling or group support. Then you can evaluate if you can be by his side, as well, or if it is better to go your separate ways. Being afraid to lose someone is an odd reason to break up, but being as how you fear you may lose him, it is certainly understandable. You need to sort out your feelings first, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now my boyfriend is 26 i am going on 30 come June. Well his best friend and twin brother were killed in a car wreck by a drunk driver about six months ago. He was initially very distraught and very depressed but then about a month after that he was diagnosed with Testicular cancer. So its honestly been rough. Well a couple weeks ago he tried to take his own life and has been in the hospital since. I have been going to see him daily. I love him and i would do anything for him but at the same time all of this has made me reevaluate everything and i feel like maybe i should cut him lose because i am scared of losing him and i feel like if i lose him on my own terms then maybe it will be less painful ya know? Honestly don't know what to do, i haven't ever felt so deeply in-love with a guy before but all of this has me scared. Right now you are feeling helpless I imagine. It may help you to get into a counseling program in order to get some insight and knowledge about how to help him. Doing something proactive will also give you a sense of some control and ability to do what's needed for him. This man is face with immensely overwhelming circumstances that the mind will struggle to accept and process. If he were not faced with these huge external stressors and made this attempt, I would likely be thinking like you are now. If he had made this attempt without the circumstances, whatever mental illness he was dealing with to cause it, would likely cause the relationship to fail anyway. You are in a committed relationship. This is the kind of thing that really tests commitment. He needs support and understanding now. You are dealing with the "fight or flight" reflex and it's natural. But, do you think he can handle losing you on top of all he's going through? If you have the strength to leave, you have the strength to at least try to help him get past it all. I lost my fiance two years ago. I have always wished I could have done more even though I did do everything possible. Wait until he comes home. Give it some time and observe whether he is doing the work that is needed to get through this. If it appears that he's completely given up, then I'd say you should move on. This is huge for both of you and I'm sorry you're faced with this. God be with you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustACaringGF Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 It's just hard and I am struggling because I found out I was pregnant a little before his attempt. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 If you just can't handle it, you have to do what you have to do. But I would urge you to stick by him and be supportive. He has lost enough. You don't have to be there all the time. Take a break from it. I'm glad he's in the hospital and I hope they're treating his suicidal thoughts as well. He is overwhelmed. Truthfully, you may find that he may reach a point he doesn't want to deal with anyone, not even you. But if you've known him long enough and he relies on your as a friend, you should try to be there for support for as long as he wants you to. Sorry you're going through this. It's difficult, I know. Try not to let yourself feel all his pain. Doctors have to learn to keep a wall up so they can do their jobs and not let someone else's pain overcome them. He has testicular cancer. Now, this may turn out just fine if he's lucky and it hasn't spread. And for the other, it will affect him for years to come, no doubt, as it was a hard blow. But the worst could lift within a few months. Please let us know how he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 It's just hard and I am struggling because I found out I was pregnant a little before his attempt. Oh, boy, this is a bigger load by the minute. Does he know you're pregnant? If so, perhaps, this will be his motivation for pushing through the turmoil. And, if the cancer destroys his ability to have more children, the baby you two are expecting will be the only one he ever can have. Geez. No one can really say what they would do in your shoes. I'd say now that the baby is the priority here and your stress level, health is all part of this now. Even if you break things off with him, this will "stay" with you for quite some time. And, when the baby is born, he will, hopefully, be part of his/her life and your life. You are going to be dealing with all this on some level anyway. Don't look ahead too far into the future right now. Take it one day at a time. When he gets out of the hospital and into a mental health program, evaluate things then. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Your BF has a LOT on his plate. Because it's very easy to see why he is so overwhelmed, I would absolutely stay with him. I could not see myself even thinking about leaving somebody I loved in his situation. Your departure will be seen as a huge loss & a betrayal but on the other hand if you are so shallow that you are thinking about walking out, in the long run he will be better off without you in his life. In the short run, you breaking up with him may be the straw that breaks the camel's back & leads him to make another possibly successful attempt. Think about that. Are you fully prepared to explain to your unborn child that daddy took his own life after mommy dumped him in the aftermath of the tragic deaths & a cancer diagnosis? I know we're supposed to be nice & helpful & sweet on this board. But frankly I find the fact that you are even asking this, makes you seem so selfish. I'm almost angry at you on his behalf. You are making this all about you: how you will feel if you lose him. Instead of supporting him through one of the darkest times of his life, you are running away. That's not love. As his GF you are not a substitute for appropriate psychiatric care which he needs. You are not a grief or cancer support group but for heaven's sake don't make a bad situation worse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
El Pallasso Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) Wait, your boyfriend lost his twin brother and a friend in an accident and also got diagnosed with cancer and you want to dump him. This is the time he needs you the most. Being in a relationship is not all about the good, happy times. It's also about the sad and depressing times. You have to accept that he may do things that are completely out of character and even if he does commit suicide, at least you were there with him till the end. Edited May 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited to take out unwarranted personal opinon 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 You and the baby could give him every reason to want to live. He's been through hell and although I see you are fearful and are trying to protect yourself here. I can't see myself dumping my BF in this situation. Do you really love him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustACaringGF Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 Oh, boy, this is a bigger load by the minute. Does he know you're pregnant? If so, perhaps, this will be his motivation for pushing through the turmoil. And, if the cancer destroys his ability to have more children, the baby you two are expecting will be the only one he ever can have. Geez. No one can really say what they would do in your shoes. I'd say now that the baby is the priority here and your stress level, health is all part of this now. Even if you break things off with him, this will "stay" with you for quite some time. And, when the baby is born, he will, hopefully, be part of his/her life and your life. You are going to be dealing with all this on some level anyway. Don't look ahead too far into the future right now. Take it one day at a time. When he gets out of the hospital and into a mental health program, evaluate things then. No he doesn't know about the pregnancy yet I haven't told him yet. He is dealing with so much I didn't think it was the right time honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JustACaringGF Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 Your BF has a LOT on his plate. Because it's very easy to see why he is so overwhelmed, I would absolutely stay with him. I could not see myself even thinking about leaving somebody I loved in his situation. Your departure will be seen as a huge loss & a betrayal but on the other hand if you are so shallow that you are thinking about walking out, in the long run he will be better off without you in his life. In the short run, you breaking up with him may be the straw that breaks the camel's back & leads him to make another possibly successful attempt. Think about that. Are you fully prepared to explain to your unborn child that daddy took his own life after mommy dumped him in the aftermath of the tragic deaths & a cancer diagnosis? I know we're supposed to be nice & helpful & sweet on this board. But frankly I find the fact that you are even asking this, makes you seem so selfish. I'm almost angry at you on his behalf. You are making this all about you: how you will feel if you lose him. Instead of supporting him through one of the darkest times of his life, you are running away. That's not love. As his GF you are not a substitute for appropriate psychiatric care which he needs. You are not a grief or cancer support group but for heaven's sake don't make a bad situation worse. I am not thinking about leaving him anymore and it was only a split second thought. I am sorry if I came off like that. I love him and am truly terrified of losing him. And don't know how help him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
johndoe2 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Is the child his? Link to post Share on other sites
Teraskas Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Hmm, this somewhat reminds me of a similar situation I faced in the past. In March 2012 I was diagnosed with gastrointestinal cancer. Ironically, I discovered this on the same day that my (then ex) gf decided to dump me. My confidence and will to live was not destroyed once, but twice. Although different, having experienced it, I can certainly put myself in his shoes. It was a tough and solitary path in which I received close to no assistance. Sadly I can still feel its effects to this day. I'm all for offering advice, but I have to agree with a post above. As an 'afflictee', the very fact that you're considering leaving let alone asking this question is downright offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Moderation will remind our members that Civility & Respect go a long way rather than bashing the OP and/or other members. ^^^^^^^ She above post from Teraskas (been in the BF's shoes previously, but was able to get his point across without being rude)...and I hope that continues or this thread will be closed again and infractions doled out for each and every response next time. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 what did his psychiatric evaluation say? he had to be placed in the psych hospital after his suicide attempt. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Folks, I got a blip on my moderator radar screen I didn't like so I'm going to close this again temporarily while we figure it out. Thanks so much for your considered responses. Link to post Share on other sites
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