Seeing beautful women around you--Frustrating...

[Jonp219]

You ever get frustrated from seeing beautiful women around you? Women you can't talk to due to your shyness or fear of rejection? I know, I've been feeling like that for the past few weeks.

 

You start formulating thoughts in your head like, "Why can't you just approach me? Uh Dude, not even ugly ones approach you why would she? Oh that's right..."

 

It's just so frustrating and then you see these couples having a good time and you start to wonder, "How the **** did land her?"

 

Then you have the people who complain about getting dates, but not enough girls who are compatible to them. And it just shows how incredibly low I am on the Male relevancy chart. While people are getting dates, I can't land anything. I don't know who to talk to, who to ask, no one. Everyone is doing their own thing and I'm just here with a pale white look on my face asking myself, "Why me?" No matter how much you work on yourself you can never give others a reason to marvel at your presence, you just don't matter (Well I don't).

 

People say these experiences make you stronger (break-ups, heartbreak, pain etc.) It hasn't done much but make me weaker in mind and heart. I feel like I'm going out of my mind, and a tight bitterness in my heart.

 

How does anyone ever escape this wretched hell hole and become a member of a functioning society?

 

I give up...

[jen1447]

IIR your story C, you're still pretty recent, right? It's just the natural fallout of social rejection and isolation. You had a girl before so you're obvs capable of getting a girl.

 

You don't have any choice but to ride this out. It'll get better.

[Jonp219]

IIR your story C, you're still pretty recent, right? It's just the natural fallout of social rejection and isolation. You had a girl before so you're obvs capable of getting a girl.

 

You don't have any choice but to ride this out. It'll get better.

 

It's been over 3 months and 1 month and 2 weeks of NC.

 

These are still things I wasn't able to do before I met her. I just got lucky with her because I knew a friend, I didn't have to work hard to impress her. Besides she never had a relationship before me, so she probably just saw me as a trial run.

[deadelvis]

The general trend I've seen with guys who have success with getting beautiful women is walking the tightrope between treating them the same as anyone else and not getting "friend-zoned". I try to talk to them like a normal person and completely ignore their attractiveness. Just treat every woman the same, regardless of her good or bad looks. But with all women, make your intentions very clear. Never let a woman you want as a friend think you are interested in being her lover and even more importantly never let a woman you want as a lover throw you into the friend zone. This can be difficult but thats when subtle non-verbal cues become important.

[jen1447]

It's been over 3 months and 1 month and 2 weeks of NC.

 

These are still things I wasn't able to do before I met her. I just got lucky with her because I knew a friend, I didn't have to work hard to impress her. Besides she never had a relationship before me, so she probably just saw me as a trial run.

 

Sorry but that's still early. It sucks Jon but you're going thru a grieving process, nothing less. That takes significant time.

[Jonp219]

The general trend I've seen with guys who have success with getting beautiful women is walking the tightrope between treating them the same as anyone else and not getting "friend-zoned". I try to talk to them like a normal person and completely ignore their attractiveness. Just treat every woman the same, regardless of her good or bad looks. But with all women, make your intentions very clear. Never let a woman you want as a friend think you are interested in being her lover and even more importantly never let a woman you want as a lover throw you into the friend zone. This can be difficult but thats when subtle non-verbal cues become important.

 

I understand how to talk to women, I just can't get out of my own way. I bring myself down before ever giving it a shot. My problem is introductions, how the hell does someone introduce themselves and start a conversation without asking too many personal questions? It sounds so simple yet I find it challenging. When I see some of my friends do it they look like magicians the way they have them laughing and stuff. Yet, I could only wish lol.

[deadelvis]

The same way you would talk to any stranger. Just normal conversation. Just like talking to the waiter or bartender, it's just a person you don't know yet. Nothing to be afraid of.

 

I just talk to everyone the same, no matter if it's a male waiter who's serving my breakfast or the gorgeous female waitress. Same conversation

 

And really that's not any different than the way I would talk to a person I already know. Just casual and normal

Edited May 20, 2015 by deadelvis

[lionheart153]

After a break up, especially if you are the one that got dumped your self confidence takes a hit. I've been there, felt that way, thought the same thoughts you have now.

 

I'll tell you what I did and what advice was given to me. After everything I heard, I had to learn to accept the outcome. Things were not meant to be. Yes I will meet someone else again, I've already proven that someone can love me, what possible reason do I have to say that it is impossible for anyone else to love me again. And in order to rebuild my confidence, the best thing I did was things to improve myself, I didn't start talking to girls before being a better me. I wasn't happy with my look so I started to work out, build confidence. Next thing you know girls are the ones approaching me, granted I wasn't ready yet and I may have messed those up, but the point is i've turned my whole outlook around.

 

Takes time man, but it also takes effort on your part to want to improve. I spend the first few months in my own self pity before I woke up to smell the coffee and put things into action. I'm not expecting you to right away but you need to try. Be open to new things, be a yes man. I know it helped me through and got me here to where I am now. Since the break up, and since I started to regain my confidence, I've been on quite a few dates with more girls that I did when I was in my teens. Once you start to gain confidence in yourself it because addicting like I drug. But it will help. Keep at it.

[deadelvis]

and I actually don't introduce myself at all. I just start talking to someone like I've known them forever. Then at the end of the conversation I introduce myself. It's much more natural that way

[preraph]

I understand how to talk to women, I just can't get out of my own way. I bring myself down before ever giving it a shot. My problem is introductions, how the hell does someone introduce themselves and start a conversation without asking too many personal questions? It sounds so simple yet I find it challenging. When I see some of my friends do it they look like magicians the way they have them laughing and stuff. Yet, I could only wish lol.

 

Don't avoid asking questions. Asking them questions about themselves (as long as they aren't about sex or how they look) is what makes people like you. Ask them about their job, whether they have kids, pets, how long they've lived or worked somewhere, what they like to do. That's what you're supposed to do to get people to like you, be interested in them. I mean, think about it. What good is it to someone if you are interested in them but they would never know it because you never tried to ask questions to learn something about them? This is what does make you awkward, because you will approach and it's obvious you are interested but since you are not showing any interest in their actual life, they can only assume it's just you like how they look and don't care about anything else.

 

Why don't you find an assertiveness class at some junior college (not online - you need to practice with real people). Practice makes perfect.

[JuneJulySeptember]

You ever get frustrated from seeing beautiful women around you? Women you can't talk to due to your shyness or fear of rejection? I know, I've been feeling like that for the past few weeks.

 

You start formulating thoughts in your head like, "Why can't you just approach me? Uh Dude, not even ugly ones approach you why would she? Oh that's right..."

 

It's just so frustrating and then you see these couples having a good time and you start to wonder, "How the **** did land her?"

 

Then you have the people who complain about getting dates, but not enough girls who are compatible to them. And it just shows how incredibly low I am on the Male relevancy chart. While people are getting dates, I can't land anything. I don't know who to talk to, who to ask, no one. Everyone is doing their own thing and I'm just here with a pale white look on my face asking myself, "Why me?" No matter how much you work on yourself you can never give others a reason to marvel at your presence, you just don't matter (Well I don't).

 

People say these experiences make you stronger (break-ups, heartbreak, pain etc.) It hasn't done much but make me weaker in mind and heart. I feel like I'm going out of my mind, and a tight bitterness in my heart.

 

How does anyone ever escape this wretched hell hole and become a member of a functioning society?

 

I give up...

 

I used to, in my 20s and early 30s. I used to think very similar to you.

 

Now, it's a little different because the girls in their 20s are kind of too young, and the women in their late 30s, and 40s, they're still attractive, but it's ... different.

 

Now with OLD, sometimes I run across just photos among a sea of photos, and I'm like "What's the point, really?"

 

In your 20s though, yea definitely. It's like being a kid in a video game store and you want everything but can have nothing.

[deadelvis]

interesting. i actually do the opposite. I never ask questions of strangers. I generally save that for the first date. to establish communication I generally just start discussing whatever is taking place around me. (the rude bouncer, the long lines for the bathroom, the weak over-priced drinks) usually anything like that is an easy casual conversation. Those are all examples of bar conversation but you've been talking to people your whole life without thinking about it. Ending a remark with a non-personal question is good because it generates a need for reply. Instead of "I sure love it when people listen to music through their Iphone speakers on the bus"... It's always much better to say "Don't you love it when ...?" because then it creates a need for a response. Don't overthink it so much. Just try to talk with strangers more in general and that will help a lot.

[aloneinaz]

As others have said, you're not feel great about yourself cause of your current situation and what transpired with you last GF. It's TOTALLY normal to take a hit to your self confidence and self esteem. It would be a good idea to work on that area of yourself. Join and gym and work out and get in good shape. Looking good physically helps your confidence in large ways.

 

Also, some of the most INSECURE women I've ever met where extremely attractive to everyone. Everyone, including attractive people have their insecurities.

 

I remember years ago when I was in my early 20's, we had a group of guys that hung out in dance clubs. A buddy invited his friend who was a male model. He was SUPER good looking. I was surprised how many times he got shot down asking girls to dance. It really blew us all away.

 

When you see a smoking hot girl with an average guy, it's usually one or two reasons why. He's got serious money or.. he's got a lot of confidence and good people skills. Women LLLooovvvee guys with confidence. Not arrogance but guys who are very comfortable with who they are and how they look.

 

Since I've been single for the past 6 years, I have many dates with very attractive women. I'm a good looking guy but not George Clooney either. You have to treat women who think they are all that and a bag of chips no differently than you would a girl who was average. Guys simply get all insecure being around hot women and look stupid to them. Treat them normally, be confident, fun and entertaining and you have just as good a chance with a hot girl as any GREAT looking guy.

[loveweary11]

It's been over 3 months and 1 month and 2 weeks of NC.

 

These are still things I wasn't able to do before I met her. I just got lucky with her because I knew a friend, I didn't have to work hard to impress her. Besides she never had a relationship before me, so she probably just saw me as a trial run.

 

 

 

Well, you only have about one month left to wait!

 

I'm taking you out with all my friends (all hot chicks, no guys) when I get back to Manhattan.

 

Offer is there if you're down. LES, Meatpacking, East Village.

 

Gotta get your mind off it. Out with the old, in with the new.

 

Let me know. I'll be back in a month.

[NC-Thomas]

Jonp219, I remember your threads in the Breakup section of LS. I also remember you took quite a hit a few months ago after being dumped.

 

First off all, getting back in the dating scene is always hard to begin with. It takes some time getting used too again. Im back in the dating scene for 3 months now, and I am having loads off success after I changed some of my behavior and inner game.

 

1. At the begin I was depressed and had low self-esteem. Some have (when you come out of a fresh break-up) this aura of neediness and desperation around. Woman can see this low self-image and automatically turn off.

 

2. I started walking straight up more, body-language is of great importance when talking to woman. Also is keeping eye-contact. Move slowly, take up some space. Be a man.

 

3. Last but not least, you have to project this image of being your true happy self. You have to be super comfortable in your own skin in order to attract many woman. Smile a lot, be genuinely happy.

 

4. I still get rejected by many women, but I tend to care less then before because I am happy on my own and I don't need a woman beside me. I let woman unconsciously know and create that image of me that I am not really hurt, should she reject me. Rather I jokingly reject woman, saying, "you and me, I don't think we should ever get married, were just not compatible".

 

When you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror you need to realize that you are the ultimate prize for every woman on the globe. I know this is an exaggeration, but it works for me. I don't pretend to be confident, I had to work on this for years actually.

 

Also some practical tips:

 

1. Get hobbies to entertain yourself without women.

2. Work out. Outer health is inner health.

3. Maybe go follow some dancing classes, worked just great for me. I feel totally fine around women now. Rather then trying to land a woman, I am actually trying to remain single...

4. I know this one is probably a weird tip, but since I got my motorcycle license, my dating rate went through the roof. But you only have to get this if you really want it for yourself ;-)

Edited May 20, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[Ninjainpajamas]

You ever get frustrated from seeing beautiful women around you?

 

Only if I can't do anything about it, like talk to them. Otherwise I'm a bit feeling like THIS

 

Women you can't talk to due to your shyness or fear of rejection? I know, I've been feeling like that for the past few weeks.

 

Well, beautiful women are more troubling to talk to than the average Jane...but rejection can come from almost anything and anyone, I've had unattractive women whom I was not even interested in reject me, whom I wasn't even attempting to approach...was just a little snarl and retreat on their part. A complete misinterpretation of my intent, which was probably the girl or bar behind them...I only find myself really attracted to some women.

 

You start formulating thoughts in your head like, "Why can't you just approach me? Uh Dude, not even ugly ones approach you why would she? Oh that's right..."

 

Expecting an attractive woman to approach you is not the best method or tactic of attracting women unless you are quite good-looking. I get approached, flirted with occasionally but it's not usually like in your face and overt...mostly she's just communicating through body language and she lets you know through her eyes and body position.

 

It's just so frustrating and then you see these couples having a good time and you start to wonder, "How the **** did land her?"

 

Sometimes when I see an attractive women with a douchebag looking guy, I feel like picking him up and throwing him into the river and just stealing her away...but you know options, women just don't have the great options and also they're shy and many insecure, I guess I'm quite arrogant in never attributing it to the guy...but if THAT is what she is into, oh boy, no taste in men whatsoever IMO.

 

Then you have the people who complain about getting dates, but not enough girls who are compatible to them. And it just shows how incredibly low I am on the Male relevancy chart. While people are getting dates, I can't land anything. I don't know who to talk to, who to ask, no one. Everyone is doing their own thing and I'm just here with a pale white look on my face asking myself, "Why me?" No matter how much you work on yourself you can never give others a reason to marvel at your presence, you just don't matter (Well I don't).

 

Well you can't land dates if you don't have the right confidence, body-language, charisma or courage. It takes a bit of talent to be successful with women, especially with all the different types of variety of women who have different little quirks and likes...to be attractive to women, to most women takes some skill, again unless you're fairly good looking.

 

Otherwise you're going to have to work for it like the rest of the guys, and the other guys with the women are no different or better, they're just simply there. Women might think they are based on her perception of the guy, but for women it's just simply knowing or becoming familiar with the guy...that's half the damn battle right there and if you can't even get familiar with the girl then how is she going to even give you a chance.

 

Women are just not going to come to you more often than not. I've known quite a number of good-looking guys who just don't have an understanding of women and the approach, I know women are attracted to them but since they're so uncertain of how to approach women they end up getting stuck with an average looking girl who thinks she's special for pulling in a good looking guy because she was aggressive...but it's his own damn fault, he should've been able to develop that courage, he could've been with someone quite attractive...now he gets to be the better looking one in his relationship.

 

People say these experiences make you stronger (break-ups, heartbreak, pain etc.) It hasn't done much but make me weaker in mind and heart. I feel like I'm going out of my mind, and a tight bitterness in my heart.

 

How does anyone ever escape this wretched hell hole and become a member of a functioning society?

 

I give up...

 

Everyone gets to that place, doesn't matter who you are. Everyone feels down and defeated sometimes, doesn't matter how good looking or beautiful you are, it's just apart of life, it's not going to go away because of your success with the opposite sex.

 

I think you just got to get through those emotions, out of that bitterness and hurt/pain, so that you can move forward with a newer freshness...those things kind of got to fall off of you or you just move forward with those broken pieces and in the end you don't end up happy anyway.

 

Focus on what you're going through now, because the sooner you get through that the better off you'll be moving forward...being in a bitter, jealous, self-depriving/wallowing state is only going to make you less attractive in the dating world...especially to women, women want men whom they think can take care of them, even if they don't or can't in the end.

[carhill]

You ever get frustrated from seeing beautiful women around you? Women you can't talk to due to your shyness or fear of rejection? I know, I've been feeling like that for the past few weeks.

Nope, never have. I never equated beauty with personal attractiveness so very few were personally attractive. In fact, many have been a lot of fun over the decades and continue to be.

You start formulating thoughts in your head like, "Why can't you just approach me? Uh Dude, not even ugly ones approach you why would she? Oh that's right..."

 

Women never approached me so I didn't even consider such thoughts. If I enjoyed their company I continued; if not, not. In my generation, it was/is the man's job to approach women, always. I note that, even today, with more casual female friends. The closer ones are more direct in approaching, generally because they want something, usually my skillset. The rest are, well, not approaching.

It's just so frustrating and then you see these couples having a good time and you start to wonder, "How the **** did land her?"

 

BTDT got the marriage and divorce documents so no illusions about any of it. Male friends filled me in prior. It's not a nirvana. Nice, sure.

 

Then you have the people who complain about getting dates, but not enough girls who are compatible to them. And it just shows how incredibly low I am on the Male relevancy chart. While people are getting dates, I can't land anything. I don't know who to talk to, who to ask, no one. Everyone is doing their own thing and I'm just here with a pale white look on my face asking myself, "Why me?" No matter how much you work on yourself you can never give others a reason to marvel at your presence, you just don't matter (Well I don't).

 

My male friends never talked/talk about their dating lives. Married lives, some do; most don't. Men in my social circle generally keep such matters to themselves. Yeah, and some are married to beautiful women.

 

People say these experiences make you stronger (break-ups, heartbreak, pain etc.) It hasn't done much but make me weaker in mind and heart. I feel like I'm going out of my mind, and a tight bitterness in my heart.

 

I can appreciate that and sympathize. It's tough to get beaten down as a young man who believes he's living a righteous life. The lesson is to keep on living and following one's path. Looking back on it at the other end of life provides some pretty amazing clarity and some funny stories, even if they may have been painful at the time. That's how life works I guess.

 

How does anyone ever escape this wretched hell hole and become a member of a functioning society?

 

We're all functioning. We choose how. Myself, I feel lucky to still be functioning and have the opportunity to try something new today, and hopefully tomorrow. Too soon it's all over.

 

I give up...

 

You can, sure. Maybe just give up this path and take an off-ramp and try another one. That's what I did after getting divorced. No regrets. Still enjoy beautiful women as much as ever.

[Satu]

*I just got lucky with her because I knew a friend, I didn't have to work hard to impress her. Besides she never had a relationship before me, so she probably just saw me as a trial run.

 

Listen: You're not bad looking. You're intelligent. You're good with words, and you're interesting. Out of all that, interesting carries the most weight and has most value.

 

What the heck more do you want?

 

You need more than 3 months to get over your disappointment and loss.

 

That's how it is. That's how we're built.

 

It won't always be like this. You won't always feel like this.

[PogoStick]

No matter how much you work on yourself you can never give others a reason to marvel at your presence, you just don't matter (Well I don't).

 

 

Specifically, What have you done to work on yourself?

 

What books have you read for improvement?

What's your career and education?

Describe your physique. Tell me about your exercise and eating habits. How big is your belly?

What hobbies and skills have you developed? What sports do you play?

What have you done to build a quality social circle? How do your female friends help you to get dates?

What kind of psychotherapy are you using? How often do you see a therapist?

What medications do you take for anxiety and depression?

Do those female friends help to improve your fashion? Have they helped improve your hairstyle? Are your teeth white?

[xxoo]

Why the focus on beautiful women? Are you giving average woman fair consideration?

 

How is your overall social life, outside of dating?

[loveweary11]

Listen: You're not bad looking. You're intelligent. You're good with words, and you're interesting. Out of all that, interesting carries the most weight and has most value.

 

What the heck more do you want?

 

You need more than 3 months to get over your disappointment and loss.

 

That's how it is. That's how we're built.

 

It won't always be like this. You won't always feel like this.

 

 

This. This is it.

 

I get so frustrated with Jon's posts because he's everything Satu just said.

 

A completely normal guy. Looks like tons of other people I know in NY who are all pairing up, talking to girls, etc.

 

I'm not kidding about taking you out with my all female friends, Jon. If I could post pictures on this forum, you'd have a heart attack.

 

If you want to do that after I get back, I'm more than willing. As a reader of your posts and a guy who was in your situation a couple years back... hell.. i think i was in a psychosis... I'd like to help you get past it.

[aloneinaz]

This. This is it.

 

I get so frustrated with Jon's posts because he's everything Satu just said.

 

A completely normal guy. Looks like tons of other people I know in NY who are all pairing up, talking to girls, etc.

 

I'm not kidding about taking you out with my all female friends, Jon. If I could post pictures on this forum, you'd have a heart attack.

 

If you want to do that after I get back, I'm more than willing. As a reader of your posts and a guy who was in your situation a couple years back... hell.. i think i was in a psychosis... I'd like to help you get past it.

 

Super nice of you to do this and Jon should take him up on it. Make some new friends and learn from his experiences.

[phineas]

I never had a problem talking to hot women.

however, I was obese and knew I didn't have a chance so I guess i didn't worry about it.

 

It was when I dropped a 100lbs and those hot women gave me a chance that I went full retard like the OP.

 

I missed out on a lot of sex because I didn't know what to do with a hot women that wanted to have sex with me.

 

OP I spent like 2 years lifting & working on myself before I seriously dated.

I got laid a few times but not much in that time.

 

but i'm older and had other priorities in life.

[GoodOnPaper]

You ever get frustrated from seeing beautiful women around you? Women you can't talk to due to your shyness or fear of rejection?

 

Yes, I've been married for 20+ years and to this day, I hate being around stunningly beautiful women. I've done as much as I can to avoid them - I live in a small city in a rural area and am an academic in a field that is very nerdy. Somehow, though I don't think your situation is quite the same ...

 

Why not pre-emptively "reject" them yourself?

 

Why the focus on beautiful women? Are you giving average woman fair consideration?

 

It might make you feel better ...

[Krieger]

It just seems the beautiful woman are easy to talk to because some guys are scared to talk to her.