JaneyJ1991 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) I made a thread a couple days ago about the guy I'm seeing--if anyone needs more info-> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/529155-guy-i-m-dating-just-had-low-positive-test-herpes-freaking-out By all accounts, a great guy. I KNOW he had a one night stand (or a 3 or 4 night stand) in March, right around when we met. A few weeks ago, I jokingly asked, WHILE LYING IN BED, IF ANYTHING HAD HAPPENED THERE--IN THIS BED. He told me quote, "No, nothing happened here. We went over to her house EACH TIME."Things have been going well, I'm taking this weekend's events in stride (see other thread if curious). Tonight we went to dinner, then back to his place, and everything was great. Until I went to put my shoes on, which were next ot the bed....And about 2 feet from my shoes, shrouded in darkness just under the edge of the bed? Was a Trojan condom wrapper. I picked it up, "What's this?" He kept saying over and over it was from March. I then told him, "But you told me nothing happened here. You always went to her place. So you lied to me?" He said that one time, they did it there. Then he continued quote, "I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable." I'm like..THAT'S NOT IT. IT'S THE FACT YOU LIED. He chased me to my car, and continued babbling something about he doesn't even remember using that kind of condom with her. I'm like, "Oh, okay, well this is making less and less sense." I'm really torn on what to do. I've been in his room dozens of times. I've never exactly looked under the edge of his bed, but I think a condom wrapper would have stood out. Also, he's cleaned before I've come over--doing laundry and what not--and I think a condom just a couple feet under the bed would have stood out. I never remember seeing it. He told me quote, "I've been doing a bunch of laundry, maybe it was wrapped in clothes under there." I just don't know what to believe. Someone give me input on if I give him the benefit of the doubt or cut the ties here. My ex was a proficient cheater..And yet..I NEVER EVER found a condom in his room. EVER. EVER. I should also say, this guy--I wasn't with him Friday night. Or all day Saturday. I didn't see him Sunday night or last night, either. I'm saying if it's fresh..There's been time. I'm terrified because we just got him tested for all STDs. A lie like this, even if we get good news about Friday's test results, a lie like this could kill me. Edited May 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Added link Link to post Share on other sites
Guitarisgood Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Trust your gut. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 if it can kill you you have to leave him Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 He shouldn't have lied but to be fair, what were you actually pushing for when you asked him if they'd had sex in his bed? That's a weird thing to ask, like you're fishing for reassurance because you're jealous or something. It doesn't excuse him lying instead of just saying 'yes we slept here, and?' but you learned your lesson not to ask silly questions like that about his recent sexual past that didn't involve you or betray you at all. It will prey on your mind, so I'd let him go anyway. And in the future don't fish for stuff like that when it makes no difference to your relationship at all. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 You met once before his sex-escapade. You were not a couple, he didn't owe you fidelity or an explanation. He probably had no clue something more tangible would develop between you 2. You need to let go of what he did. You're treating this as if he cheated on you, he didn't. I honestly don't know why he told you because it really didn't concern you. Like acrosstheuniverse I think asking him if he had sex in his bed is a silly question. He's a single 20ish yo man, what do you think! Of course he had sex at his place with her and with other women before. Let it go. He lied because you put him on the spot with your question. It was a little white lie to keep the peace about something that doesn't matter in the big picture. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 He is not faithful, I'd dump him. Also, he's messy and doesn't clean. Used condom wrappers laying around? Come on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) This is already over except for the breaking up. You consider him to be a liar--just like your ex--so break up with him. You'll never be able to believe anything he tells you and you will turn yourself into a paranoid, crazy, snooping girlfriend, trying to find evidence to be right. You are already right; you can't be that desperate for a man that you do this to yourself in order to have one. Some things just aren't meant to work out. You seemed to have attracted another liar to you. It's time for you to step back and look at why. As Acrosstheuniverse and Gaeta said, I agree that asking a grown man if he's had sex in his own bed before meeting you is a rather silly question to ask a grown man. OF COURSE HE HAS! He wasn't a virgin when you met him. Having said that, what he should have said was "yeah, I've smashed in this bed. I was single and I could, so I did", because that was the truth of the matter. You two hadn't gotten to the point of declaration and he was free to screw whoever he wanted to screw in his own bed if he wanted to do that. If you can't handle hearing the truth to a question you already know the answer to, might be good policy to not ask a question whose truthful answer you can't handle. I agree that he most likely lied to you to avoid the scene that played out. Not an excuse, of course, but understandable. Edited May 20, 2015 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Stop seeing him and move on. Your trust is already broken and you know this will always be in the back of your head. That said, I agree with the others: never ask a question that you don't really want a truthful answer for. Did you honestly think he'd never had sex in his own bed before? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I hate those questions and have no idea why women ask them. It is like some sort of self sabotage. Or begging him to lie to you. That being said - it does seem fishy. As for not cleaning UNDER his bed, that's perfectly normal for men. On only rare occasions do I even think to look much less clean under my bed. And I am pretty tidy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lansing Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 You could have checked the expiry date or maybe even "lot number" and then seen if they matched up with the other current condoms he had otherwise it could have been an old one. Anyway, you mine as well break up with him at this point since regardless of what he says you won't trust him anymore. And, it sounds like he was hesitant to tell you the "truth" because of how you would react. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 a lie like this could kill me. This is killing you anyway and as there is no answer to this, then you will be left wondering and wondering and wondering... At the very least he lied about having the ONS at home in his bedroom and at worst he had sex in his bed with someone else more recently. BUT, I am presuming you used condoms prior to the STD testing so is it possible, it is one that you two used? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 This is killing you anyway and as there is no answer to this, then you will be left wondering and wondering and wondering... At the very least he lied about having the ONS at home in his bedroom and at worst he had sex in his bed with someone else more recently. BUT, I am presuming you used condoms prior to the STD testing so is it possible, it is one that you two used? Hopefully, you were using condoms prior to testing and so this is a perfectly logical explanation, which he should have thought of as well. But he panicked, so there may be some question about it. Nevertheless, he's been using condoms, so the STD question kinda goes away. Him lying about it . . . I dunno. But, really, you've only been seeing each other for a couple of months, have you declared exclusivity? If not, he doesn't owe you an explanation. He can date anyone he wants and if he's using condoms, he's being safe. You may be applying the "guilty until proven innocent" form of justice. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 It tends to show he's having safe sex, which is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyJ1991 Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) Hopefully, you were using condoms prior to testing and so this is a perfectly logical explanation. See, that would make sense..EXCEPT WE'VE NEVER HAD HAD SEX. I've been in his room dozens of times in the last month. I've eaten dinner there, I've watched movies, I've lost socks under the bed. I don't remember if I'd ever been under that section of the bed. But at the same time, I can't imagine a guy who repeatedly tells me "I'm doing laundry" and quote "I CLEANED MY ROOM before you came over" would successfully have MISSED a condom wrapper for 2 months? That's what doesn't add up. He also claims he doesn't keep condoms around--like he says he doesn't have any others. Also--I asked him jokingly about if anything had ever gone down in that bed. He just moved into this place in March. He was the one who went on a tangent and said quote, "No, you're the only girl who's been in this bed." All I want from him is honesty. If he'd said "Oh yeah, I didn't want to hurt you but I stumbled home from the bars with a chick on Friday" that would of been better than me standing there like a deer in the headlights, holding a condom wrapper like I'd just discovered a UFO. The part that bothers me the most is that just prior to my discovery, we were having a great time. Literally not 5 minutes before I made my discovery, I was laying on the bed with him, looking at him, thinking, "I could really see myself commit to this guy. He wouldn't try to hurt me, or betray me. Maybe relationships ARE worth it." The STD testing I'm referring to is his results came back with a very low positive for herpes. He had to have more blood drawn, and we'll find out if it was a false positive or not. The part that's making me freak out? HOW DO I KNOW he wasn't exposed much more recently than I'd ever imagined. He's still active on tinder. Yet he claims he never talks to anyone on there (if my own tinder experience is any indication..That's bull****). Last night he sent me a screenshot of his tinder (I'm not really sure what that's suppose to prove) and frantically told me quote, "Listen, you can look at my texts. You can see. I haven't been seeing anyone else (because apparently no one uses delete on text messages? Yeah. Right.)." I'm like..I DON'T WANT TO SEE your tinder. Or your texts. Or excavate your room like an archeological dig. I don't care if you've been seeing other girls--I care that you're honest with me about it. Edited May 20, 2015 by JaneyJ1991 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 He is not faithful, I'd dump him. Also, he's messy and doesn't clean. Used condom wrappers laying around? Come on. Agree with this...also don't believe that condom wrapper had been lying around for TWO MONTHS...come on now. Much more likely it was a fresh condom he used recently (not with you)......aand if you have agreed to exclusivity, he cheated on you... If it were me, I would break up with him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 "I CLEANED MY ROOM before you came over" would successfully have MISSED a condom wrapper for 2 months? I'm a clean freak and one day my dog came to me with a condom wrapper in his mouth so..... It's known men don't clean as thoroughly as we do, you ask them if they vaccum under the bed and they say yes yes but they never did so yes it's possible a wrapper stayed there for 2 months. Also--I asked him jokingly about if anything had ever gone down in that bed. He just moved into this place in March. He was the one who went on a tangent and said quote, "No, you're the only girl who's been in this bed." All I want from him is honesty. If he'd said "Oh yeah, I didn't want to hurt you but I stumbled home from the bars with a chick on Friday" that would of been better than me standing there like a deer in the headlights, holding a condom wrapper like I'd just discovered a UFO. We explained that one to you already. He lied to avoid your judgment. It's a bad move on his part but he's 23years old, he's learning along the way. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 He is not faithful, I'd dump him. Also, he's messy and doesn't clean. Used condom wrappers laying around? Come on. Agree with this...also don't believe that condom wrapper had been lying around for TWO MONTHS...come on now. Much more likely it was a fresh condom he used recently (not with you)......and if you have agreed to exclusivity, he cheated on you... If it were me, I would break up with him... Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Agree with this...also don't believe that condom wrapper had been lying around for TWO MONTHS...come on now. Much more likely it was a fresh condom he used recently (not with you)......aand if you have agreed to exclusivity, he cheated on you... If it were me, I would break up with him... Yeah, sloppy. Even if it was only there for 2 hrs. just sloppy. You dodged a bullet Janey. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 You've only been dating six weeks or so? That's enough time to learn about his morals and ethics which - at this point - are to lie about things that are important to you. You know enough about his character to realize he is not a good long-term partner. Time to move on... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 You've only been dating six weeks or so? That's enough time to learn about his morals and ethics which - at this point - are to lie about things that are important to you. How does he know this was an important question to her? she said she asked it with a joking tone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneyJ1991 Posted May 20, 2015 Author Share Posted May 20, 2015 Also, I should note that every time I've ever been over there before, he's been "expecting me" to come in his room. Watch a movie, etc etc. Last night was the first time ever I've been in his room that he wasn't expecting me. We had plans to go to dinner--not to come back to his place and watch a movie. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 How does he know this was an important question to her? she said she asked it with a joking tone. Gaeta, do you really believe that condom wrapper had been lying around since March? Without her boyfriend or her ever noticing it before? Would not a used wrapper that old smell? It was a fresh condom, she found it, she confronted him (joking or not)...and he was scrambling for a way out and came up with that ludicrous excuse that he used it once with another chick two months ago (or six weeks or whatever)..before they became exclusive. That sounds so crazy to me....I wouldn't be buying that BS for two seconds... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Also, I should note that every time I've ever been over there before, he's been "expecting me" to come in his room. Watch a movie, etc etc. Last night was the first time ever I've been in his room that he wasn't expecting me. We had plans to go to dinner--not to come back to his place and watch a movie. Well there ya go...had he expected you to go in there, he would have made sure to check for fresh used condoms (he used with other chicks) and tossed them out before you found them... Like another post said ----SLOPPY....in more ways than one. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 The guy is more than likely lying but told you "anything" to appease you and stop the madness. You two aren't a couple yet and he's still on Tinder. Of course he's seeing other women. I think you should check your jealousy if you want this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 The guy is more than likely lying but told you "anything" to appease you and stop the madness. You two aren't a couple yet and he's still on Tinder. Of course he's seeing other women. I think you should check your jealousy if you want this guy. He is still on Tinder???? I feel like I am living in an alternate universe sometimes....OP what did you expect? Link to post Share on other sites
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