Your upbringing and how it affected your (lack of) dating life

[2011]

Hey

 

After being alive for quite a long time, knowing lots of people and all the rest I came to a conclusion that people who are successful at dating are:

 

Brought up in a household with a confident masculine male who is not afraid to show love and humor in front of his kids to his wife or partner. This rubs off on the male kids who also grow up to be loud, cocky and confident and thus naturally attracting girls, and the females kids grow up looking for loud cocky guys to emulate their "daddy's" confidence and humor, and thus going out with loud cocky guys while kicking timid guys into the ditch.

 

On the flip side if you're brought up in a stiff lipped conservative family, told not to speak unless your spoken too, told off for everything instead of praised and encouraged, beaten for any silly thing you do then you're likely to grow up a total social outcast and failure.

 

Anyone agree? I'm sure you can. I know it's not a complete scientifically proven theory but real life examples of people I can think of in my own town prove beyond doubt this is the case.

 

do you find the same from observing other people you know? Families friends etc?

[Gaeta]

I don't observe other people but I was raised in a happy, loving and respectful household. My father was a good hard working man, the quiet type, and he adored my mother. I have never ever heard my parents raised their voice at each other or disrespect each other in any way. I am sure they had disagreements but they solved it in private. In my dating and my long term relationships I dealt with a lot of abusive men, and I endure and put up with a lot of their crap. I have no clue why because I was never exposed to abuse or disrespect when I grew up. Go figure why I accepted that. These men had nothing in common with my father. So NO I don't believe it's all related to childhood.

[Phoenician]

I don't observe other people but I was raised in a happy, loving and respectful household. My father was a good hard working man, the quiet type, and he adored my mother. I have never ever heard my parents raised their voice at each other or disrespect each other in any way. I am sure they had disagreements but they solved it in private. In my dating and my long term relationships I dealt with a lot of abusive men, and I endure and put up with a lot of their crap. I have no clue why because I was never exposed to abuse or disrespect when I grew up. Go figure why I accepted that. These men had nothing in common with my father. So NO I don't believe it's all related to childhood.

 

 

 

agree , not related to childhood; but seems that you picked a guy who appeared as a nice guy but seems to be passive aggressive ;

maybe if you were exposed to abuse and disrespect you wouldn't have tolerated it...

 

I am sorry to know your suffering ; good luck in your new life.

[Gary S]

My advice? - never go to band camp!

[katiegrl]

For me, it is very much related... as explained to me by my therapist..who I only see once a month now ...as opposed to twice a week many years ago.

 

I grew up with a rigid, dominant controlling mother and a warm, nurturing, loving and caring father.

 

For many many years, I found myself attracted to men who were just like my mother (rigid, dominant and controlling-ugh) but ended up rejecting them because they weren't like my dad (open-minded, warm and nurturing)!

 

What a dichotomy! Took me years to overcome and now, thankfully, I am no longer attracted to men who are dominant and controlling ...tbh they actually repulse me.

 

Which is a good thing, since I would only end up rejecting them anyway..because they weren't like my dad!

 

Now I only become attracted to men who are caring, nurturing, open-minded and humble -- just like my dad!!!!

 

The rigid, dominant and controlling men I meet can kiss my ass (excuse my French)...I can't stand them...like I said they actually repulse me.

 

Which makes sense because of the way my mom treated me ..... which rendered me completely powerless and weak ..not to mention totally unloved.

 

Thank goodness for my wonderful dad who was the best dad ever...may he rest in peace...

Edited May 16, 2015 by katiegrl

[johndoe2]

I was raised by two exceptionally stoic parents in a fairly typical middle class household. We didn't express feelings really at all in my family. Their overarching goal, especially of my father, was to instill good judgment and the useful skills necessary for life in me. So I certainly owe my self-discipline and work ethic (and intelligence, if I do say so myself) to my parents. These make me a great student and employee, as well as a law abiding, tax-paying citizen. But horrible with women unfortunately. I keep my emotions to myself entirely, and so I generally don't smile even when I'm happy, and something has to be extremely funny to get me to laugh in public. I suspect therefore that even on my good days I look morose and severe. Keeping it to yourself was just the accepted in my household and is how my parents do it. I also like things to be systematic and consistent, so naturally socializing and meeting new people is near impossible for me, and often extremely stressful.

 

I definitely (and unfortunately) inherited my father's 'social skills', which means the closest I can possibly get to being charming is coming off like halfway between your creepy autistic uncle and Buzz Killington from family guy. Not the makings of a Casanova.

 

It's not really my parents' fault though. I think they reasonably expected I'd 'come out of my shell' or whatever through school eventually. But I am a tremendous coward so my social anxiety and apprehension got the better of me and I never really did. So, schizophrenically, I am torn between seeking out women who are shy and withdrawn like me because they might be able to relate to me, and women who are the opposite of me and very outgoing, because I hate the way am, and also because they're more approachable and friendlier than shier people.

 

Though as I think about it, my brother turned out pretty normal, so I may just owe my unusualness to the wheel of fortune that is meiotic recombination.

[cessna]

I grew up in a very loving, happy household. Both my parents are athiests, liberal and weren't strict with me.

 

I'm still hopeless with women.

[d0nnivain]

I grew up in a household that was so conservative, my father had to turn Left to become a member of the Tea Party. I was educated in religious schools, with uniforms. A bad grade in my house was considered an A-. I got a B+ once & a teacher found me in the bathroom trying to kill myself. I was 12. My mother totally ruled the roost. Both were functional alcoholics. I didn't know families touched each other or hugged & kiss until I got to college & saw them doing it.

 

Nevertheless, my parents were social people who taught me to be nice to everyone because you never knew how that person could affect you.

 

At some point in your mid-20s whatever happened to you as a child stops being your parents fault. As an independent young adult it's your responsibility to fix whatever you think is wrong in your life. Get therapy. Go to college. Exercise. Stop talking to the dysfunctional members of your family but do something to change your life if you don't like it.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I would say it affects men more than women because people always talk about what seperates boys from men but never about what separates girls from women

[chelsey]

I was raised by two exceptionally stoic parents in a fairly typical middle class household. We didn't express feelings really at all in my family. Their overarching goal, especially of my father, was to instill good judgment and the useful skills necessary for life in me. So I certainly owe my self-discipline and work ethic (and intelligence, if I do say so myself) to my parents. These make me a great student and employee, as well as a law abiding, tax-paying citizen. But horrible with women unfortunately. I keep my emotions to myself entirely, and so I generally don't smile even when I'm happy, and something has to be extremely funny to get me to laugh in public. I suspect therefore that even on my good days I look morose and severe. Keeping it to yourself was just the accepted in my household and is how my parents do it. I also like things to be systematic and consistent, so naturally socializing and meeting new people is near impossible for me, and often extremely stressful.

 

I definitely (and unfortunately) inherited my father's 'social skills', which means the closest I can possibly get to being charming is coming off like halfway between your creepy autistic uncle and Buzz Killington from family guy. Not the makings of a Casanova.

 

It's not really my parents' fault though. I think they reasonably expected I'd 'come out of my shell' or whatever through school eventually. But I am a tremendous coward so my social anxiety and apprehension got the better of me and I never really did. So, schizophrenically, I am torn between seeking out women who are shy and withdrawn like me because they might be able to relate to me, and women who are the opposite of me and very outgoing, because I hate the way am, and also because they're more approachable and friendlier than shier people.

 

Though as I think about it, my brother turned out pretty normal, so I may just owe my unusualness to the wheel of fortune that is meiotic recombination.

 

that's me, luckily my brother and i are not bad looking so we get away wit being kind of weird. people just think we are shy and cute or "adorkable" rather than not knowing how to express affection. i'm also attracted to more outgoing people but it makes me realize that my unaffectionate family left me kind of emotionally stunted. it takes a special person to bring you out if it and bring you into the social situations you avoid but also kind of want.

[chelsey]

I would say it affects men more than women because people always talk about what seperates boys from men but never about what separates girls from women

 

i agree, but also not. girls can get away with more of that behavior if they are attractive. however it doesn't affect them internally any less, and emotional/maturity problems will always emerge eventually.

[soyou]

I have to disagree with the post from the OP.

 

I grew up in an unhappy family where my Dadd didnt love or respect my mum. He could beat her and us whenever he got mad about something. But he is a very successful businessman, doing well with women (having affairs everywhere he went). He was a very funny and social man.

 

My Mum is on the other hand a very introvert housewife who never dared to fight for her own right.she's such a sweet and caring woman but never took care of her look.

 

I grew up telling myself that I'd never become a woman like my mum and would never date somebody like my Dad and so far I've succeeded.

 

I'm a very social person with a kind heart. I look good, have a steady job. I do very well with dating. I never tolerate men who raise their voice toward me with or without reasons. I fight for myself. I never cheat on any of my ex-boyfriend.

 

I'm so glad that I left my parents at age of 17 and had tme to re-orient my life, manner, attitude, and also have time to reflect from all the mistakes/flaws which my parents made.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

i agree, but also not. girls can get away with more of that behavior if they are attractive. however it doesn't affect them internally any less, and emotional/maturity problems will always emerge eventually.

 

Ya, a good example is the movie "Boys N' The Hood", the young boy, who is the main character of the movie, when he is in elementary school, he gets in trouble, so his single Mom sends him to go live with his Dad, and she mentions to his Dad " you told me before, I can't teach him how to be a Man, that's your job"

 

What I'm getting at is people have been arguing for a while now that guys, men have become feminized in this generation, that it supposedly started when the feminist movement occurred in the 1960's, more and more guys growing up living with a single Mom, not having their father present or some other adult male role model in the household to teach them how to be a "Man". They say only an adult male role model can teach their boys how to be a "Man".

 

But they never mention or imply to young little girls growing up, "time for them to be taught how to be a woman", its like all a human female needs is a vagina in order to be called a woman or a girl, I mentioned human female because apparently life, society, culture, reality, doesn't have standards, roles, as to what seperates girls from women but always for what seperates boys from men.

 

Meanwhile they never have any gender war arguments, debates on people saying, "girls need to be taught how to be a woman", you always hear people saying to guys, men, "man up, be a man, grow a pair, grow some balls", but you never hear people say to girls " woman up, be a woman", I don't think there is a female equivalent to grow a pair, grow some balls.

 

When you say girls can get away more than guys can with that behavior as long as their attractive, yes they can but unfortunately there is a limit, because its strange, odd, but true but when a guy, in order for him to come across as attractive to women, as a "Man", he has to show women that he will not put up with any of their bull****, crap, behavior, that he won't get walked over, basically, and strangely but true, also show women during the courtship phase that he is screening her, qualifying her, basically sort of making the woman also do work to win the man over.

 

Basically this is what it seems like, in order for a man to come across as boyfriend material to women, the woman has to both be attracted to him and respect him, since apparently being attracted to and respecting something or someone are 2 different things. Meanwhile all a man has to do or be in order to see a woman as girlfriend material, is to just be attracted to her, that's all.

 

Even though our past does not equal, dictate our future, it only does if we let it, but this is why I have often felt that a persons social upbringing, they way they are raised by their parents, family, childhood social experiences, have a much bigger impact on a guys dating life/sex life than it will on a girls dating life/sex life

[chelsey]

Ya, a good example is the movie "Boys N' The Hood", the young boy, who is the main character of the movie, when he is in elementary school, he gets in trouble, so his single Mom sends him to go live with his Dad, and she mentions to his Dad " you told me before, I can't teach him how to be a Man, that's your job"

 

What I'm getting at is people have been arguing for a while now that guys, men have become feminized in this generation, that it supposedly started when the feminist movement occurred in the 1960's, more and more guys growing up living with a single Mom, not having their father present or some other adult male role model in the household to teach them how to be a "Man". They say only an adult male role model can teach their boys how to be a "Man".

 

But they never mention or imply to young little girls growing up, "time for them to be taught how to be a woman", its like all a human female needs is a vagina in order to be called a woman or a girl, I mentioned human female because apparently life, society, culture, reality, doesn't have standards, roles, as to what seperates girls from women but always for what seperates boys from men.

 

Meanwhile they never have any gender war arguments, debates on people saying, "girls need to be taught how to be a woman", you always hear people saying to guys, men, "man up, be a man, grow a pair, grow some balls", but you never hear people say to girls " woman up, be a woman", I don't think there is a female equivalent to grow a pair, grow some balls.

 

When you say girls can get away more than guys can with that behavior as long as their attractive, yes they can but unfortunately there is a limit, because its strange, odd, but true but when a guy, in order for him to come across as attractive to women, as a "Man", he has to show women that he will not put up with any of their bull****, crap, behavior, that he won't get walked over, basically, and strangely but true, also show women during the courtship phase that he is screening her, qualifying her, basically sort of making the woman also do work to win the man over.

 

Basically this is what it seems like, in order for a man to come across as boyfriend material to women, the woman has to both be attracted to him and respect him, since apparently being attracted to and respecting something or someone are 2 different things. Meanwhile all a man has to do or be in order to see a woman as girlfriend material, is to just be attracted to her, that's all.

 

Even though our past does not equal, dictate our future, it only does if we let it, but this is why I have often felt that a persons social upbringing, they way they are raised by their parents, family, childhood social experiences, have a much bigger impact on a guys dating life/sex life than it will on a girls dating life/sex life

 

i'm a feminist but i also think girls (and all people) should be raised to think of what they can give to a relationship or the world rather than what they can get out of it. lots of girls grow up to think being a woman is equating attractiveness to worth and using sex to control people and get things. just like boys are raised to think their worth is their earning power and sexual prowess. both of those interpretations are wrong.

 

being a woman is about being strong and kind and nurturing. some feminism takes it too far in that women need to be all roles to be equal. but men and women are different and different can't be equal. we both have our strengths and i think both sexes lose out when they aren't brought up with a full picture and cooperative loving parents (whatever their roles end up being)

[Weezy1973]

How all of us were raised clearly has an impact on how we relate to the world and our dating/relationship success. But it's not always obvious.

 

For me, I was raised by parents who have one of the best marriages I've ever encountered. Yet, at 41, I remain single. I wouldn't say I don't have success though - I've had plenty of long term relationships, and don't really struggle to get dates.

 

I also have a severe social anxiety disorder - perhaps exacerbated by my upbringing - and certainly passed on genetically through my parents. I didn't figure that out until I was 36. And by far, that has led to my lack of success in finding that lifelong partnership that my parents have, and I long for.

 

But I'm an optimist. And I have a date on Monday.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

i'm a feminist but i also think girls (and all people) should be raised to think of what they can give to a relationship or the world rather than what they can get out of it. lots of girls grow up to think being a woman is equating attractiveness to worth and using sex to control people and get things. just like boys are raised to think their worth is their earning power and sexual prowess. both of those interpretations are wrong.

 

being a woman is about being strong and kind and nurturing. some feminism takes it too far in that women need to be all roles to be equal. but men and women are different and different can't be equal. we both have our strengths and i think both sexes lose out when they aren't brought up with a full picture and cooperative loving parents (whatever their roles end up being)

 

But even the majority of feminist women still stubbornly feel it is the mans job, role to be the initiator, as in approaches the woman first, asks her out first

[TunaCat]

I know my upbringing is a large part of the reason I've had issues with dating.

 

Mom left my bio dad when I was 18 months old due to abuse as well as my bio dad's use of alcohol, meth & heroin. She stayed single for awhile. She had a few relationships here and there. When I was 13 she remarried. He ended up being emotionally abusive and it took her 12 years to leave the marriage. There was never any cuddling or kissing in that house. It was a very unhappy home.

 

She is still single and the happiest I've ever seen her.

 

My mom and I lived with my grandma and uncle for 8 1/2 years and my grandma was married for 3 of those years. I don't remember much of her 2nd husband, but he was a good guy. My uncle has never been married and his lady picker is pretty bad.

 

So yeah, I really want a lasting relationship but I am scared that I don't know enough to sustain it. I really want marriage and the fact that I have no marriage role models worries me. I wonder if I'm really marriage material.

[johndoe2]

that's me, luckily my brother and i are not bad looking so we get away wit being kind of weird. people just think we are shy and cute or "adorkable" rather than not knowing how to express affection. i'm also attracted to more outgoing people but it makes me realize that my unaffectionate family left me kind of emotionally stunted. it takes a special person to bring you out if it and bring you into the social situations you avoid but also kind of want.

Are your parents older, compared to other parents of people your age? I think that contributes. My parents grew up in the 50s when things were generally tougher (compared to, say, the 70s) and were both born poor and had to work their way into the middle class. So that forged their values.

 

Unfortunately I myself am fighting a steep uphill battle in the looks department.

[newmoon]

it's like anything else in early childhood - you're influenced by all that you experience and how your parents are and how they treat you, but you're not defined by it. you'll find children that were horribly abused turn into loving and caring partners, and you have kids from amazing childhoods and families who go out and murder their wife or husband. it will eventually come down to the individual and not the family influence, imo. this question sounds like it came from therapy and the entire 'blame your family' approach

[Gary S]

And here I thought it was all about the hokey-pokey!

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

a guys upbringing matters more

[Woggle]

My mom was very abusive to my father and I and I saw how the more my father tried to please her and understand her rage the more she treated him like garbage. When she kicked him out she turned the rage on me so I left home at 16 and never looked back. I spent a few years on the streets sleeping on friend's couches, living in flophouses and squatting in abandoned buildings until I managed to score a good job. I still finished college despite it all.

 

All of this made me determined never to be like my father and for a while it made me very mistrusting of women but I try hard not to be negative towards an entire gender because I hate when men are bashed and I believe treat others how you want to be treated. I don't think I would be able to appreciate finally having a happy and healthy relationship if I also didn't see the dark side.

[ascendotum]

On the flip side if you're brought up in a stiff lipped conservative family, told not to speak unless your spoken too, told off for everything instead of praised and encouraged, beaten for any silly thing you do then you're likely to grow up a total social outcast and failure.

 

I think your first scenario will definitely provide a good role model for his sons. You 2nd scenario..not quite as bad as you say. I know a few guys that had masculine fathers but they were serious, stern, disciplinarians, not very loving or emotional men and the sons did quite well...hardly the social outcast. They likely inherited their fathers genetics for their masculinity but their mother's for the personality. One friend who had a dad like this and used to get yelled at and wacked often, was a blond haired surfer dude with tan skin, chiseled good looks and a swimmers physique. This dude broke so many girls cherries. If I had girls throwing themselves at me in my teens how much would environment start to trump nurture then. Another friend who rebelled and grey his hair long and was in a rock band (plenty of ONS, 3somes, and a couple of gangbangs, and numerous gfs who were all beautiful (looks & personalty)) Both those guys were cool fun guys. I thought the rockstar Jim Morrison had a stern old school father who was a navy caption who he did not get on well with.

 

I think a guy will be worse of if he was raised by a really beta father ot by a single mother. Still for the later some of these sons can grow up to do well with women (well good at scoring them but maybe not so good at relationships) if the guy their mom got pregnant to was a bit of an alpha/bad boy type guy, and the son has plenty of freedom growing up and hangs out in his teens with a outgoing bunch of friends.

[jay1983]

I grew in a big fancy house with 2 highly educated loving parents. We went to football games and to the lake every weekend. I had a four wheel I rode over hills with on our 2000 acre land that my daddy owned, he bought me some fancy sports car for my 16th b-day that nobody even heard of. It was so rare, that I don't even remember what it was called.

 

This is bullsh*t!

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

if its women, its mainly for religious reasons, if its men, its many reasons.