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Is my checklist too long?


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Old 9th May 2015, 5:20 PM   #1
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Is my checklist too long?

Thinking about my relationship history I wrote down all the pros and cons of my significant EX's. I tell myself one good thing about my love life has been I have learned just what I want and do not want. Does this sound like asking for too much?
  1. Intelligence: Could be someone into STEM, or arts, or both.
  2. Maturity: Correlates with age.
  3. Compassion: in particular for my old parents and my sister who has special needs.
  4. Humor: They have to be able to see the humor in situations that are trying, as I do.
  5. Sensitivity: Empathy the ability to stand in someone elses shoes before acting.
  6. Healthiness: they have to have a healthy life style. Not super thin or super buff just healthy
  7. Sensuality: they have to be a sensual person
  8. Playfulness: not just in bed but in life.
  9. Talent: they have to have a real talent for whatever it is they do. A passion for their work. People who don't have this never get my intense feelings about my work.
  10. Stability: emotional stability, predictability if you are one way one day you will be about the same the next day. Wild mood swings and push pull need not apply.
  11. Clear communicator: They know what they want and let me know what they want without manipulation, or being overly coy.
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Old 9th May 2015, 5:22 PM   #2
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Actually... that's VERY similar to my list.

It's funny how we make lists.. and complain that no one meets the list or needs.

I don't see your list being a issue. I just see people being an issue when they say that no one meets their list.
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Old 9th May 2015, 5:25 PM   #3
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I am just concerned since it seems very hard to find someone who hits all of those things AND all the usual obstacles to any kind of relationship. Being available, interested in me, we get along and click etc.
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Old 9th May 2015, 5:31 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrlonelyone View Post
I am just concerned since it seems very hard to find someone who hits all of those things AND all the usual obstacles to any kind of relationship. Being available, interested in me, we get along and click etc.
ANd that's an issue... because the question then is when do you settle for less or for only a few of those options.
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Old 9th May 2015, 5:48 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by LostOne1 View Post
ANd that's an issue... because the question then is when do you settle for less or for only a few of those options.
Last time around I compromised on maturity, emotional stability, and clear communication. I got someone who at key times can be manipulative, immature, and change her whole opinion of anyone like the weather.
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Old 9th May 2015, 6:08 PM   #6
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No, not asking too much as long as you are also all of those things.
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Old 9th May 2015, 6:09 PM   #7
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I guess I'm lucky, have dated a few ladies with all of those qualities.... there are people out there like that.

Some are stronger in areas than in other, but they can have them all.

However, sometimes the search takes a LONG time, and gets harder as you get older.
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Old 9th May 2015, 6:29 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Mrlonelyone View Post
Last time around I compromised on maturity, emotional stability, and clear communication. I got someone who at key times can be manipulative, immature, and change her whole opinion of anyone like the weather.
Oh I don't think you want to compromise on those ones!! I think your list sounds reasonable and sensible. I can agree with most of those things, although if I have to compromise on any, it would probably be intelligence and talent, as long as they have half a brain and enjoy certain things I don't care. The things I never manage to find in the men I've been with so far: compassion, humour and sensitivity. Pretty important stuff.
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Old 9th May 2015, 6:33 PM   #9
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I just think your list is very "specific".
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Old 9th May 2015, 6:34 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by OldRover View Post
I guess I'm lucky, have dated a few ladies with all of those qualities.... there are people out there like that.

Some are stronger in areas than in other, but they can have them all.

However, sometimes the search takes a LONG time, and gets harder as you get older.
Really it does get harder as you get older? May I ask why?

I'm in my late 20's... so I'm interested in knowing. I've just started dating again and trying to find a long term relationship... so far I just can't find THAT women that fits in with me or I can be just me with.....
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Old 9th May 2015, 6:54 PM   #11
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@Buddhist I think I am all of those things but one is often not the best judge of ones own character.


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Originally Posted by smiley1 View Post
Oh I don't think you want to compromise on those ones!! I think your list sounds reasonable and sensible. I can agree with most of those things, although if I have to compromise on any, it would probably be intelligence and talent, as long as they have half a brain and enjoy certain things I don't care. The things I never manage to find in the men I've been with so far: compassion, humour and sensitivity. Pretty important stuff.
I know those are big important ones. I have compromised on intelligence or talent at times. It works for a while but then they don't get my intense devotion to my work or my talents.

I don't mean that those particular exes totally lacked certain qualities...but they did not show it.

It sounds like my list overall is not asking too much. I guess I can compromise on one of those things if it gets me the others.
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Old 9th May 2015, 7:38 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrlonelyone View Post
Thinking about my relationship history I wrote down all the pros and cons of my significant EX's. I tell myself one good thing about my love life has been I have learned just what I want and do not want. Does this sound like asking for too much?
  1. Intelligence: Could be someone into STEM, or arts, or both.
  2. Maturity: Correlates with age.
  3. Compassion: in particular for my old parents and my sister who has special needs.
  4. Humor: They have to be able to see the humor in situations that are trying, as I do.
  5. Sensitivity: Empathy the ability to stand in someone elses shoes before acting.
  6. Healthiness: they have to have a healthy life style. Not super thin or super buff just healthy
  7. Sensuality: they have to be a sensual person
  8. Playfulness: not just in bed but in life.
  9. Talent: they have to have a real talent for whatever it is they do. A passion for their work. People who don't have this never get my intense feelings about my work.
  10. Stability: emotional stability, predictability if you are one way one day you will be about the same the next day. Wild mood swings and push pull need not apply.
  11. Clear communicator: They know what they want and let me know what they want without manipulation, or being overly coy.
It's a very generic check list. Nothing special to it. We all want a partner that is intelligent, stable, playful, etc. Everyone you will meet will be on their best behavior and will appear to have all of those at first. You need a list with more specific items.
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Old 9th May 2015, 7:44 PM   #13
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I always feared making one of these list. Reason be, I don't want to find someone with everything on my list that ends up no liking me back. That would totally suck big time.
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Old 9th May 2015, 9:01 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by smiley1 View Post
Oh I don't think you want to compromise on those ones!! I think your list sounds reasonable and sensible. I can agree with most of those things, although if I have to compromise on any, it would probably be intelligence and talent, as long as they have half a brain and enjoy certain things I don't care. The things I never manage to find in the men I've been with so far: compassion, humour and sensitivity. Pretty important stuff.
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
It's a very generic check list. Nothing special to it. We all want a partner that is intelligent, stable, playful, etc. Everyone you will meet will be on their best behavior and will appear to have all of those at first. You need a list with more specific items.
Really, I and plenty of others have run into people who did not have these basic qualities. Maybe seeing them listed out makes these qualities look basic and simple.

So many on here write in for advice caused by an SO or Ex who lacked many of these qualities but who did not realize it.


You are so right about this check list in that many people are on their best behavior on dates so it can be hard to know. Then there is the haze caused by the honeymoon of a relationship.
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Old 9th May 2015, 9:08 PM   #15
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I find it better sometimes to have a list of what I DON'T want and then let the person surprise me with his qualities, sometimes qualities I am discovering and I have never seen in previous relationship.

A check list is also a general reference, not so much requirements, otherwise you limit yourself and may miss meeting wonderful people.

And take it from someone who used to have a long check list, one day you will meet a man that will grab your heart and your imagination and he will have nothing of that list. That list is nothing if you don't have connection.
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