Dated for 9 months, she said she just wanna be alone

[leeyco]

I got to know this very beautiful girl, a smart, intelligent, irresistible lady, to most men, she is like a dream girl. I was one of the very lucky one to be able to proceed to another stage with her.

 

We started out physically intimate in the beginning stage, about 9 months ago, although she told me she is not keen on any serious relationship as she just got out from one. Yes, she was in the midst of filling a divorce with her 1 1/2 year marriage as she wasn't quite happy with her ex. That itself took a toll on her. So she wanna be alone. But I still insist to proceed.

 

During this past 9 months we progress quite fast, in a way, we live in distance about 5-6 hours drive apart. But we communicate through tango, viber and other apps very regularly. I do travel back to see her often and she comes over to my city often. We merely meet almost 2-3 times in a month. She had also met up with most of my family members and friends as well, and most of the people thought we were already couple, in fact, just between us, I know she never admitted I am her bf. But we are dating and doing things what normal couples do. In between every now and then she would still tell me things that she still needs more time for herself and she actually should be alone, but part of us, kinda swept away this issue and still continues to hangout intimately. I had given almost every effort and everything I could afford to give her. Helping her to solve issues and problems she was facing, spending her on holidays, and giving her a home to stay and also providing for some of her living expenses. She meant a lot to me and I really do have intentions to further my life with her as I had been through many rounds of relationship. I don't wanna restart all over again always. and to get to know someone and let ppl know me fully it's not an easy thing. She understands me fully and she even said I am the only person who knows everything about her, her past, her mistakes and her secrets.

 

Fast forward to right now, after this few days, I started to feel insecure about this uncertain status of us as I know on and off there are new guys she met and she would be quite open and friendly to them, without acknowledging my existence. She is very attractive, and every guy would be attracted to her. I brought up this issue to her that I am not happy of that. I wished she could at least let them now my existence. She just said it's hard and she is not ready for any commitment right now. She said this guys are just merely friends and she has no interest in them. She knows the line and right now I am the only one special to her. But she just can't commit and take me as a bf as it's quite a big thing to her to really treat me as a bf.

 

She suggested let's just be normal or close friends and that it would be better for me. She doesn't want to be unfair to me cause now she really need the time alone. Maybe 1-2 years. She said she doesn't want to emotionally attach to anyone. And she asked me not to wait for her or anything. She doesn't want to have that feeling of leading me on. But she still wanna keep close in touch with me and that we still can hangout like good close friends and take time slowly. She won't know what will happen in the future but for now, just herself only. Since her last relationship, she doesn't have time for herself and I came into the picture right 2-3 months after she ended the marriage.

 

I am confuse what I shd do now. Just wait? Or totally cut it off with her? I love her very much, but I am not sure what she is thinking. She said I will be someone always special to her and will still care for me always but allow her time and space to be alone, especially mentally and emotionally. She said she needs to reform herself and fix up her own mess inside her before able to give in a relationship as it's important to her to find herself before loving another person. Is this just kind words to sooth my ears? What can I do now? Would love to hear some opinions.

Edited May 7, 2015 by leeyco

[El Pallasso]

Translation: I don't want to be with you at all. However, I do enjoy the financial benefits you give me and the emotional assistance you provide therefore I want to keep you as a close "friend".

 

Mind you this "friendship" will be a one way street as all the benefits will be for me. I get to sleep with all the attractive guys I want while you provide financial support and act as an emotional tampon for me.

 

I don't really expect you to accept this "friendship" deal but something tells me you just might be naive enough to believe my lie of "not wanting a relationship right now".

 

BTW, I do want a relationship. Just not with you. xx

[Redhead14]

I got to know this very beautiful girl, a smart, intelligent, irresistible lady, to most men, she is like a dream girl. I was one of the very lucky one to be able to proceed to another stage with her.

 

We started out physically intimate in the beginning stage, about 9 months ago, although she told me she is not keen on any serious relationship as she just got out from one. Yes, she was in the midst of filling a divorce with her 1 1/2 year marriage as she wasn't quite happy with her ex. That itself took a toll on her. So she wanna be alone. But I still insist to proceed.

 

During this past 9 months we progress quite fast, in a way, we live in distance about 5-6 hours drive apart. But we communicate through tango, viber and other apps very regularly. I do travel back to see her often and she comes over to my city often. We merely meet almost 2-3 times in a month. She had also met up with most of my family members and friends as well, and most of the people thought we were already couple, in fact, just between us, I know she never admitted I am her bf. But we are dating and doing things what normal couples do. In between every now and then she would still tell me things that she still needs more time for herself and she actually should be alone, but part of us, kinda swept away this issue and still continues to hangout intimately. I had given almost every effort and everything I could afford to give her. Helping her to solve issues and problems she was facing, spending her on holidays, and giving her a home to stay and also providing for some of her living expenses. She meant a lot to me and I really do have intentions to further my life with her as I had been through many rounds of relationship. I don't wanna restart all over again always. and to get to know someone and let ppl know me fully it's not an easy thing. She understands me fully and she even said I am the only person who knows everything about her, her past, her mistakes and her secrets.

 

Fast forward to right now, after this few days, I started to feel insecure about this uncertain status of us as I know on and off there are new guys she met and she would be quite open and friendly to them, without acknowledging my existence. She is very attractive, and every guy would be attracted to her. I brought up this issue to her that I am not happy of that. I wished she could at least let them now my existence. She just said it's hard and she is not ready for any commitment right now. She said this guys are just merely friends and she has no interest in them. She knows the line and right now I am the only one special to her. But she just can't commit and take me as a bf as it's quite a big thing to her to really treat me as a bf.

 

She suggested let's just be normal or close friends and that it would be better for me. She doesn't want to be unfair to me cause now she really need the time alone. Maybe 1-2 years. She said she doesn't want to emotionally attach to anyone. And she asked me not to wait for her or anything. She doesn't want to have that feeling of leading me on. But she still wanna keep close in touch with me and that we still can hangout like good close friends and take time slowly. She won't know what will happen in the future but for now, just herself only. Since her last relationship, she doesn't have time for herself and I came into the picture right 2-3 months after she ended the marriage.

 

I am confuse what I shd do now. Just wait? Or totally cut it off with her? I love her very much, but I am not sure what she is thinking. She said I will be someone always special to her and will still care for me always but allow her time and space to be alone, especially mentally and emotionally. She said she needs to reform herself and fix up her own mess inside her before able to give in a relationship as it's important to her to find herself before loving another person. Is this just kind words to sooth my ears? What can I do now? Would love to hear some opinions.

 

I came into the picture right 2-3 months after she ended the marriage. -- She wasn't ready even at that point for a relationship. This is a typical rebound relationship. It doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, but she never allowed herself to "recover" from the divorce. She sought comfort and distraction from that situation. She didn't intentionally try to hurt you.

 

But she is right. She's not ready and she does need time to focus on herself as an individual and independent woman again.

 

She basically pushed all the hurt, turmoil and her true needs down and kinda ignored it. But there comes a point where that coping mechanism breaks down and the reality of her situation comes to the surface. In this case, the stress of realizing she was getting deeper into another relationship caused her to be overwhelmed.

 

It is in your best interest to respect her words and wishes. Move on from the relationship. You can remain friends, but you need to evaluate for yourself whether you can maintain an "arms length" relationship with her. If your feelings are so strong for her, seeing her often or talking with her often while knowing she can't be the one for you, will cause you heartache.

[smackie9]

It's a no brainer you were a rebound relationship. Some women can't handle divorce so the latch onto the nearest guy that is willing to support them financially and emotionally. She's all healed up now and ready to face life on her own.....thanks to her stepping stone....YOU.

[GoBlue]

The circumstance you find yourself in is very common for someone who recently divorced. You have fallen hard for someone who is not emotionally prepared to invest into a committed relationship with you. The truth is that you really do "know what she is thinking" because she has told you in very straightforward words. You are a "special" friend (i.e., physically involved, financially involved, safe) but not a long-term plan. Your options are simple: continue on in a surface relationship or break it off and pursue something else. I understand that she is very attractive and that you want it to happen so badly but in all honesty what does your heart tell you?

 

Listen - I truly believe that relationships of love need to be developed slowly and intimacy should follow a predictable pattern. Attraction is instantaneous (for most of us) but intimacy does not mean sex. Sex should come much later after a commitment has been established (marriage). If you continue on with this relationship you already know that you are exchanging true intimacy for something that is short-term. In her mind - are you her boyfriend? Is she committed to you? Are you a long-term option? You already know the answer to these questions. I know how hard it is to let go of an idea - to let go of someone you are invested in but one who doesn't reciprocate. I have made the choice to sacrifice short-term benefits for a long-term healthy relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[leeyco]

I came into the picture right 2-3 months after she ended the marriage. -- She wasn't ready even at that point for a relationship. This is a typical rebound relationship. It doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, but she never allowed herself to "recover" from the divorce. She sought comfort and distraction from that situation. She didn't intentionally try to hurt you.

 

But she is right. She's not ready and she does need time to focus on herself as an individual and independent woman again.

 

She basically pushed all the hurt, turmoil and her true needs down and kinda ignored it. But there comes a point where that coping mechanism breaks down and the reality of her situation comes to the surface. In this case, the stress of realizing she was getting deeper into another relationship caused her to be overwhelmed.

 

It is in your best interest to respect her words and wishes. Move on from the relationship. You can remain friends, but you need to evaluate for yourself whether you can maintain an "arms length" relationship with her. If your feelings are so strong for her, seeing her often or talking with her often while knowing she can't be the one for you, will cause you heartache.

 

 

Perhaps this is the truth. I tried no contact with her for 2-3 days, she still texted me like telling me where is she going and what is she doing. After that i gave up and texted her I missed her. She didnt give much of a response. She said, she can't make me happy for now, she is at guilt of causing me to be like this and she can't do anything for now. Just give her time but don't wait and have any hopes on her. She doesn't want to hurt me further. She said if I prefer not to talk to her she understand. She won't disturb me. It's up to me now what I do want. I suggested to her if we could just go on like before but without the physical contacts. She said it's fine.

 

One thing I am still figuring out, why she allow me to be so close to her in the first place but not wanting anything to do with me? There are moments I really thought we were together, psychologically. I felt we were really close. But yes, maybe it's just me thinking that way.

 

Right now, seems like I chose to go the path of following the flow but be cool about this entire thing and see what happens. I am struggling to go through this right now. It's terribly hard for me, after going through so much with her and yet it turn out to be like this. Just felt really awful.