Boyfriend excessively texting with female co-worker; should I be worried?

[Kkristine]

My boyfriend and his co-worker exchange texts throughout the day. It is an every day thing. I don't believe they are having a romantic relationship, but I do think it is reaching the inappropriate line.

 

They have gotten closer in the past few months. I've brought it up to him several times that I think it is "weird" that they text all the time, even on his days off. He just blows it off.

 

They primarily used to text only about work, but now it's about personal matters, at least on her end. She complains about her unloving husband, thinks she's depressed, sends my boyfriend a picture of her new haircut stating her husband didn't even notice, etc.

 

He, on the other hand, never brings up his personal matters.. until today. He told her that he got offered a job, but due to it not being a better pay, he declined it. He stated "That should make you happy! :)"

 

I knew about the interview and everything and asked him tonight if he heard anything, and he said no. "He's not going to get it because it's been too long since the interview".

 

I got upset, and told him he's lying because he told a "friend". He again stated that he has know idea what I'm talking about.

 

I feel like I'm overreacting, but it hurts me that he can tell her things, and not me.

 

Should I be upset about this, or should I just forget it and move on?

[Elias33]

I don't think his behavior is healthy for your relationship. As a guy I can't even imagine doing such a thing. Yes, male and female can be friends, but when there is complainging about partners, numerous texting throughout the day, etc; it spells trouble. Do not let this go, a talk is needed.

 

Just starta serious, adult, and calm conversation about this. You decide how you are treated within your relationship, and you have the right to voice your concern.

[Gaeta]

These are dangerous games you don't play around when you're in a committed relationship. She is unhappy in her marriage and is seeking comfort in the wrong place. I am sure your boyfriend think it's innocent but it's not, that's how some affairs starts. If she is unhappy in her marriage she needs to be seeking professional help and not use your boyfriend as a crutch or a shrink. The fact she is sending him new haircut pictures indicates she is looking to have this friendship escalate into something more.

 

It's time to remind him where his priorities should be.

[lemoncello]

My boyfriend and his co-worker exchange texts throughout the day. It is an every day thing. I don't believe they are having a romantic relationship, but I do think it is reaching the inappropriate line.

 

They have gotten closer in the past few months. I've brought it up to him several times that I think it is "weird" that they text all the time, even on his days off. He just blows it off.

 

They primarily used to text only about work, but now it's about personal matters, at least on her end. She complains about her unloving husband, thinks she's depressed, sends my boyfriend a picture of her new haircut stating her husband didn't even notice, etc.

 

He, on the other hand, never brings up his personal matters.. until today. He told her that he got offered a job, but due to it not being a better pay, he declined it. He stated "That should make you happy! :)"

 

I knew about the interview and everything and asked him tonight if he heard anything, and he said no. "He's not going to get it because it's been too long since the interview".

 

I got upset, and told him he's lying because he told a "friend". He again stated that he has know idea what I'm talking about.

 

I feel like I'm overreacting, but it hurts me that he can tell her things, and not me.

 

Should I be upset about this, or should I just forget it and move on?

 

Sounds like your boyfriend and his coworker are having an emotional affair via text messaging already. I think you had every right to be upset. When you asked your boyfriend to tell you the truth, he chose to gaslight you instead; to invalidate your feelings to assuage his guilt over the fact that he loves the extra female attention he gets from his coworker, who is clearly using him as a stand-in because she's lonely in her marriage.

 

I don't think you are overreacting. If anything, I think you are underreacting. Do not forget about this and do not allow your boyfriend to gaslight you again when you bring up your concern.

 

If it were me, I'd give him an ultimatum: he either makes you and the relationship a priority and stops this emotional affair (because that is what is going on), or the relationship with you is over. He can't have his cake (you) and eat it too (his flirty female coworker).

[barcode88]

OP it seems to be moving into a gray area for sure. It shows all of the signs of a Woman who is looking to have an affair.

 

However none of the things she's done have been wildly inappropriate. Not to mention if she's validating her hairstyle with him it comes off as more of a "friend" thing than romantic, that's something a girl would do if she were to friendzone a guy

 

I would just back down on this and let him have his friend - and be sure you're not giving off pissy vibes about it - guys can pick up on it if you're being passive/aggressive.

 

Just make sure you keep a close eye on things in case it takes a turn for the worse.

[El Pallasso]

Spying on him, reading his texts...no wonder he can't trust you.

[PogoStick]

So she's having relationship problems. That doesn't mean she wants to have an affair with your BF. It's normal to be friends with coworkers. And it's normal for friends to talk about their problems. Don't make a big deal out of it until the line is crossed, and I don't think it has.

 

My ex wife used to call me and cry about her boyfriend troubles. That could scare the hell out of a current girlfriend. But I can assure you at no point were either of us interested in getting together. I say friends are friends, until proven otherwise.

[Kkristine]

We had another talk.

 

He said he was "too embarrassed" to tell me that he got a call saying he was second in line. He fabricated what he said to her for a reason I didn't understand.

 

I'm now in the hot seat for looking through his phone. In his eyes, I'm dishonest and shady. I explained to him again that although the route I took (reading his texts) was shady, I wasn't crazy in doing so due to the excessive texting. He told me I was crazy in thinking that he can't have friends and a life, and that I should've just asked him if I wanted to look at his phone.

 

I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm afraid this might end our relationship.

[Hawaii51]

Yes. Whenever I text a woman frequently who I'm not related to or is a well-known friend of the opposite sex, it's for sex- either directly or indirectly down the road like Aaron-Appleseed.

[barcode88]

OP sometimes you just have to trust a person. He isn't in the wrong for being upset with you... No one likes the feeling that the other person doesn't trust them.

[ExpatInItaly]

Their level of communication isn't appropriate or for professional reasons. Come on! She is complaining about her husband? She's looking for attention and validation from your boyfriend. Not good.

 

If you'd already brought it up and he continued to communicate with her, that should have been your first red flag. And what does he mean saying he's "second in line"?

[Eternal Sunshine]

It doesn't mean that there is anything going on. I have the similar type of relationship with a married co-worker. We talk all the time and hang out. Most of it is work/hobby related but sometimes it's complaining about personal matters. There is no flirting involved and I would act the same way if he was a woman. I think that as long as the friendship is open and SOs are aware, there is nothing to worry about.

[El Pallasso]

We had another talk.

 

He said he was "too embarrassed" to tell me that he got a call saying he was second in line. He fabricated what he said to her for a reason I didn't understand.

 

I'm now in the hot seat for looking through his phone. In his eyes, I'm dishonest and shady. I explained to him again that although the route I took (reading his texts) was shady, I wasn't crazy in doing so due to the excessive texting. He told me I was crazy in thinking that he can't have friends and a life, and that I should've just asked him if I wanted to look at his phone.

 

I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm afraid this might end our relationship.

 

Like I said spying on someone is the sure fire way to make them not trust you. What you did was very wrong and no amount of rationalization can make it right.

 

The best thing is to apologize to him and tell him you're very sorry for going through his phone. That you do trust him and you will respect his personal space in the future.

 

As a woman, you have to realize that you can't control your partner. The only thing you can control is your emotions and feelings.

[Gaeta]

As a woman, you have to realize that you can't control your partner. The only thing you can control is your emotions and feelings.

 

As a woman she should be watching her own back because no one else will do it for her. If she has a feeling something is wrong than she owes it to herself to check it out.

 

Her snooping was justified.

 

When I snooped my ex papers I found a 4 year long affair. It was wrong of me to look? when every fiber of my being was telling me something is off? When I told him how I found out he also acted offended I had looked in his papers too ****in bad !! I didn't give a heck about how he felt about my snooping.

 

OP: Your boyfriend is trying to deflect attention by turning the table on you. The matter at hand is NOT your snooping but his phone-affair with this married woman. Bring the attention back on HIM. His behavior is inappropriate and needs to stop.

[lemoncello]

We had another talk.

 

He said he was "too embarrassed" to tell me that he got a call saying he was second in line. He fabricated what he said to her for a reason I didn't understand.

 

I'm now in the hot seat for looking through his phone. In his eyes, I'm dishonest and shady. I explained to him again that although the route I took (reading his texts) was shady, I wasn't crazy in doing so due to the excessive texting. He told me I was crazy in thinking that he can't have friends and a life, and that I should've just asked him if I wanted to look at his phone.

 

I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm afraid this might end our relationship.

 

Sounds like he gaslighted you again, by calling you crazy for reading his texts. If he wasn't guilty, he would have empathized with you and reassured you instead of attack you, which he did to deflect the focus away from his behavior which is shady.

 

It's totally inappropriate to text message with a co-worker the amount that your boyfriend does with his. As ExpatinItaly said the communication crosses the line of professional communication between co-workers. She's married and seeking your boyfriend's attention because she's lonely in her marriage. There are therapists for that. And what does he mean "he's second in line?" To her husband? He's acting like a jerk to you now OP, because he has something to hide.

 

I disagree with people who think the OP snooped. She didn't snoop. When you are in a relationship with someone, there should be 100% total transparency, and that means having access to each other's social media including cellphones.

 

When I'm in a relationship with someone, better believe I will use his cellphone to make phone calls if mine is off or not close by. And I reserve the right to read through his text messages if I suspect something's up. I shouldn't find anything dodgy if I read through his cellphone text messages. But if I do, then the onus is on him for lying to me, and my actions are justified.

 

If anyone's actions are shady OP, it's your boyfriend's and his female co-worker's actions with each other. I have male co-workers and I never text them about my personal life because that's just inappropriate, period.

[kendahke]

We had another talk.

 

I'm now in the hot seat for looking through his phone. In his eyes, I'm dishonest and shady. I explained to him again that although the route I took (reading his texts) was shady, I wasn't crazy in doing so due to the excessive texting. He told me I was crazy in thinking that he can't have friends and a life, and that I should've just asked him if I wanted to look at his phone.

 

I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm afraid this might end our relationship.

 

Yes, you should expect that this will end your relationship. You consider him to be a liar and a cheat. If he is both things, then why are you with someone who lies and cheats and isn't trustworthy?

 

If right was so on your side, as you thought it was when you snooped, you should be at peace with this relationship ending. According to you, you snooped for the right reasons.

 

He's right, though. You should have asked to look at his phone. Snooping removed the moral high ground from under your feet, so now you are the problem that needs to be gotten rid of.

[kendahke]

IMO, transparency is to be expected between married people. Neither should have any area of their lives hidden from their spouse.

 

A boyfriend/girlfriend is another matter, unless you are paying their cell phone bill.

 

I would no more allow a boyfriend of mine to look through my phone, with or without my permission, as nothing on it is really any of their business. A husband, I would.

 

Me having nothing to hide is non sequitur. The issue is of distrust--that's the only reason why anyone wants to snoop; and if you don't trust someone, why are you with them? Why can't you just trust your own gut feeling and bounce if you feel they are lying to you and being distrustful?

[lemoncello]

 

He's right, though. You should have asked to look at his phone. Snooping removed the moral high ground from under your feet, so now you are the problem that needs to be gotten rid of.

 

I don't think snooping removes the moral high ground, when the person is suspected of lying and cheating. Technically, lying and cheating removes the moral high ground because both of those actions are immoral. To snoop, is to investigate, to search, in an attempt to find something out.

 

Private investigators snoop on cheating and lying spouses for their clients. Are they removed from the moral high ground when they produce evidence for their client, that the spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating? I think not.

 

But I do agree that the OP's lying boyfriend has treated her as more of a problem than as an actual person he respects. If the OP's boyfriend respected her feelings to begin with, if he had strong feelings for the OP, his attention would not be sidelined to a flirty female coworker whose motives reek of wanting to start something with the OP's boyfriend. Nobody texts "woe is me" and "look at my cute haircut" kind of texts to their opposite sex coworkers unless they crave attention from that person. I don't send texts to my male coworkers everytime I get my upper lip waxed, "look! no moustache!"

 

IMO, transparency is to be expected between married people. Neither should have any area of their lives hidden from their spouse.

 

A boyfriend/girlfriend is another matter, unless you are paying their cell phone bill.

 

I would no more allow a boyfriend of mine to look through my phone, with or without my permission, as nothing on it is really any of their business. A husband, I would.

 

Me having nothing to hide is non sequitur. The issue is of distrust--that's the only reason why anyone wants to snoop; and if you don't trust someone, why are you with them? Why can't you just trust your own gut feeling and bounce if you feel they are lying to you and being distrustful?

 

Why do you think only married people deserve transparency from each other? That seems unreasonable to me. When I am in a relationship with a man, I *deserve* 100% transparency from him, because that's what he'll get from me. I have nothing to hide and if I did, then I wouldn't be 100% transparent. I'd put conditions on what my boyfriend can and can't access as far as cellphone and social media. I don't think you can get married to someone you don't have 100% transparency with in the first place. I don't think you can have a relationship for years with someone, and not be transparent.

 

The reason people snoop is distrust. You say that as if it's not a justifiable reason to investigate a suspicion. Distrust is immoral. Investigation to confirm or deny that trust, is not an immoral act. Otherwise, police, detectives and private investigators, claim insurance and health insurance investigators couldn't do their jobs, to determine who is pretending to have a disability so they can collect insurance (thus committing insurance fraud), or that their disability is real.

 

When two people are together, there needs to be trust. Once that trust is in question, snooping is justified because it's a reasonable act.

[chantos]

If it were me, I'd give him an ultimatum: he either makes you and the relationship a priority and stops this emotional affair (because that is what is going on), or the relationship with you is over. He can't have his cake (you) and eat it too (his flirty female coworker).

 

and if i were your bf i'd be out the door before you finished the word 'either'

 

 

you don't give ultimatums unless you're absolutely ok with losing the person immediately and permanently

[chantos]

lemoncello stop blathering nonsense ... going through someone's phone is a direct act of distrust. if you trusted the person you wouldn't feel the need to go through the phone to make sure the person's being trustworthy, would you...

 

and private investigators aren't the actual people who are being distrustful, that's a horrible comparison