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I've been dating this girl for a little while, but I already know she is really something special and I have not hesitated in telling her that. She has also made it clear that she sees quite a bit in me as well. I see a future with her and it makes me want to invest wholeheartedly but she has brought up this idea of a 'spark' on a few occasions saying that it is absolutely necessary for her if we are going to be together long term. I pull out all of the stops for her because I know she is absolutely worth all of it, but I get worried when she says stuff like this because I'm concerned that no matter what I do she will fall back on the, "I just don't feel the spark" remark. I have shared with her intimate details of my life and I have been open and honest about how I feel and my expectations going forward. I don't really believe in the spark. I think people connect or don't. I think people can lose connections and regain connections. Sparks, to me, are arbitrary, fleeting or make-believe. At the same time, I want to help her feel that spark because I know that no matter how weird this concept may seem to me, it means a lot to her. I have told her that with time something will develop, but she worries that it won't. I don't want her to make a rash decision and reject me based off of spark that I have no control over. I know she cares for me, even loves me in a way and the way that we communicate and interact gives me hope for the future. I know I can and do provide for her, I plan to be an excellent father, and know that when I choose that one person for me they will be treated like a princess every day of my life. She knows this, she knows that I have all of the things she wants in a man and yet she still values this spark. She says she has it with friends...and even with some guys in her past. But those guys were flakes, horrible to her, or were very clear about being just platonic. Can anyone explain to me what specifically this spark is and how I can do better about cultivating an environment that will make her feel at home and safe emotionally?

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d0nnivain

You can't create a spark. She either feels something for you as more then a friend / nice guy or she doesn't. It's an instantaneous thing that is either there or it's not. Nothing you do will cause it to ignite, although bad behavior does have the ability to make it go out.

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I've been dating this girl for a little while, but I already know she is really something special and I have not hesitated in telling her that. She has also made it clear that she sees quite a bit in me as well. I see a future with her and it makes me want to invest wholeheartedly but she has brought up this idea of a 'spark' on a few occasions saying that it is absolutely necessary for her if we are going to be together long term. I pull out all of the stops for her because I know she is absolutely worth all of it, but I get worried when she says stuff like this because I'm concerned that no matter what I do she will fall back on the, "I just don't feel the spark" remark. I have shared with her intimate details of my life and I have been open and honest about how I feel and my expectations going forward. I don't really believe in the spark. I think people connect or don't. I think people can lose connections and regain connections. Sparks, to me, are arbitrary, fleeting or make-believe. At the same time, I want to help her feel that spark because I know that no matter how weird this concept may seem to me, it means a lot to her. I have told her that with time something will develop, but she worries that it won't. I don't want her to make a rash decision and reject me based off of spark that I have no control over. I know she cares for me, even loves me in a way and the way that we communicate and interact gives me hope for the future. I know I can and do provide for her, I plan to be an excellent father, and know that when I choose that one person for me they will be treated like a princess every day of my life. She knows this, she knows that I have all of the things she wants in a man and yet she still values this spark. She says she has it with friends...and even with some guys in her past. But those guys were flakes, horrible to her, or were very clear about being just platonic. Can anyone explain to me what specifically this spark is and how I can do better about cultivating an environment that will make her feel at home and safe emotionally?

 

 

How long is a little while? Less than a year I would saying you are being too strong, especially with the "excellent father" remark. Personally for me when guys come off too strong I make excuses that I can fall back on. Maybe try slowing things down? If she's sticking around she's into you. Women don't stay around if they are not feeling it, plus she told you.

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You can't create a spark. She either feels something for you as more then a friend / nice guy or she doesn't. It's an instantaneous thing that is either there or it's not. Nothing you do will cause it to ignite, although bad behavior does have the ability to make it go out.

 

Sparks can happen over time. I know she sees more in me than just a nice guy. I feel like this is more of a stipulation for a girl rather than a guy. Girls want the fairytale feeling but I don't think that is reality necessarily.

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How long is a little while? Less than a year I would saying you are being too strong, especially with the "excellent father" remark. Personally for me when guys come off too strong I make excuses that I can fall back on. Maybe try slowing things down? If she's sticking around she's into you. Women don't stay around if they are not feeling it, plus she told you.

 

I think your reply is an excellent suggestion. We have both been subject to the moving too fast kinda thing but I've been trying to reign it all back in. She likes to drop the "M" word often and talk about the future while I'll tell her to take it one day at a time. All I am trying to do is show her my commitment is a long term thing, while trying to live in the moment as well so she has the assurance I'm here for the correct reasons as I'm showing in the now that I'm absolutely worth her time and love.

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Wouldn't a "spark" be the same things as a connection?

 

Ya...that's what I'm caught up on. I know we have a connection, but I guess that is also not a spark. I'm so confused.

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empresario

Sounds like a bad pun.

 

 

"Sooo, she said she was missing a spark in our relationship...so I rubbed my feet on the carpet and touched her!"

 

 

*baddum tss*

 

 

Seriously. Even if she all of a sudden felt this elusive yeti known as the "spark", could you ever forgive her for being so negative early on? Would your questions end?

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barcode88
Sparks can happen over time. I know she sees more in me than just a nice guy. I feel like this is more of a stipulation for a girl rather than a guy. Girls want the fairytale feeling but I don't think that is reality necessarily.

 

Sparks usually happen in the first 1-3 dates, otherwise it's usually not happening.

 

 

OP I think you're conveying too much interest too soon. You've played your hand already and she doesn't have to guess about you.

 

Don't get hung up on one girl if you think she might not be on the same page as you are. If she is telling you she wants to have a spark, you probably don't have it.

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empresario...

 

I understand what you are saying. At what point do you just suddenly say...Oh I finally feel this now. It hurts a little knowing she doesn't feel that way, and honestly, while I do believe it can develop over time, I don't think it's something I have the power to create. I just have to be myself and let her decide.

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barcode88...

 

But do you think she can let this notion of a spark go? Is it possible to see that this spark says nothing about a person. That, if you find someone who is right for you and there is something very real there, it doesn't matter what your initial perception was?

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empresario
empresario...

 

I understand what you are saying. At what point do you just suddenly say...Oh I finally feel this now. It hurts a little knowing she doesn't feel that way, and honestly, while I do believe it can develop over time, I don't think it's something I have the power to create. I just have to be myself and let her decide.

 

She already decided, though. You have to understand that. I hate to break it to you. But have you heard of the 'honeymoon phase'? Relationships start hot and burn slower as time goes on. I'm going to go on a limb and say most don't take the reverse approach. This isn't a romantic comedy. She's decided this. Even if you transform into Brad Pitt (Fight Club Brad Pitt...not modern day...although I feel at least slightly homosexual for clarifying...no shame in my game) tomorrow the damage is done.

 

 

I don't see that relationship going places. You are torturing yourself.

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barcode88
barcode88...

 

But do you think she can let this notion of a spark go? Is it possible to see that this spark says nothing about a person. That, if you find someone who is right for you and there is something very real there, it doesn't matter what your initial perception was?

 

You're coming across as very desperate for this girl.

 

Women can smell desperation a mile away.

 

Step 1) Stop fixating on this one girl

 

Step 2) Date other women.

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Don't get hung up on one girl if you think she might not be on the same page as you are. If she is telling you she wants to have a spark, you probably don't have it.

 

You're coming across as very desperate for this girl.

 

Women can smell desperation a mile away.

 

Step 1) Stop fixating on this one girl

 

Step 2) Date other women.

 

 

The only way in which I am fixated on one girl is in the way that I am dedicated to giving what we have justice. I think she is wonderful, but is a little caught up on something that I would not necessarily give merit. I may come across as desperate, but I assure you that I am simply invested in her because of who she is and how beautiful that person is. My original post meant only to convey that she is a little bit caught up on this whole "spark" thing and that I'm trying to understand her better. Will she let it go? I have no idea. Will come between us at some point? It very well could. If I wanted to break up with her or if I saw no future I will not be in this sub forum.

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barcode88
The only way in which I am fixated on one girl is in the way that I am dedicated to giving what we have justice. I think she is wonderful, but is a little caught up on something that I would not necessarily give merit. I may come across as desperate, but I assure you that I am simply invested in her because of who she is and how beautiful that person is. My original post meant only to convey that she is a little bit caught up on this whole "spark" thing and that I'm trying to understand her better. Will she let it go? I have no idea. Will come between us at some point? It very well could. If I wanted to break up with her or if I saw no future I will not be in this sub forum.

 

It's not healthy to be this invested in someone so early. You can like them sure, but you need to keep healthy distance.

 

  1. Women don't like needy/desperate Men, you will drive Women away.
  2. It will help reduce the sting of rejection which happens often.
  3. If you get too invested early on and tell her how you feel, you've basically played your hand and you have nothing left to surprise her.

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She already decided, though. You have to understand that. I hate to break it to you. But have you heard of the 'honeymoon phase'? Relationships start hot and burn slower as time goes on. I'm going to go on a limb and say most don't take the reverse approach. This isn't a romantic comedy. She's decided this. Even if you transform into Brad Pitt (Fight Club Brad Pitt...not modern day...although I feel at least slightly homosexual for clarifying...no shame in my game) tomorrow the damage is done.

 

 

I don't see that relationship going places. You are torturing yourself.

 

I respect your stance and I might normally side with your opinion. However, I do believe something like this is quite menial. I think the kind of connection or bond formed over a period of time far outlasts initial impressions, as I am sure you do. I know she realizes that I am someone worth holding onto, as do I, which is why I have hope that as time progresses she will see that the spark she is longing for is the connection that we have formed since we met or that what she considered to be a spark and how she believed it was completely necessary, is ultimately irrelevant. In time I may see that this entire process was torturous because she could not give this notion up, but I do believe we have as likely a chance as anyone.

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barcode88
I respect your stance and I might normally side with your opinion. However, I do believe something like this is quite menial. I think the kind of connection or bond formed over a period of time far outlasts initial impressions, as I am sure you do. I know she realizes that I am someone worth holding onto, as do I, which is why I have hope that as time progresses she will see that the spark she is longing for is the connection that we have formed since we met or that what she considered to be a spark and how she believed it was completely necessary, is ultimately irrelevant. In time I may see that this entire process was torturous because she could not give this notion up, but I do believe we have as likely a chance as anyone.

 

You're here asking for advice and we're giving it to you, but apparently you already know best. So what's the point?

 

Fact is you're getting overly attached to this girl, and you're setting yourself up to get harshly rejected and hurt.

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Ambivalence

There's no such thing as a "spark."

Anything you feel for a girl can be felt the same way in literally any other girl.

 

Nobody is special. Connections aren't unique. Move along.

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lemoncello

Haha! I like your sense of humor empresario!

 

OP, I think the whole "spark" thing is a marketing ploy invented by Hallmark.

 

Sure, you feel intensely attracted to someone you have amazing physical and emotional chemistry with. But is that a spark? I don't think so.

 

I interpret your girlfriend's claim as her way of indirectly telling you "I'm not that attracted to you, sorry." It's never a good sign to hear that from the person you're dating or in a relationship with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like a bad pun.

 

 

"Sooo, she said she was missing a spark in our relationship...so I rubbed my feet on the carpet and touched her!"

 

 

*baddum tss*

 

 

Seriously. Even if she all of a sudden felt this elusive yeti known as the "spark", could you ever forgive her for being so negative early on? Would your questions end?

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barcode88

A spark is basically that (hopefully mutual) feeling you both get that makes you want to **** each other's brains out. Nothing more ;)

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Gottabestrong

I think I understand what your girl is saying. In the past I've dated guys that were great, wonderful, kind and good looking, but I just did not feel romantic love/lust for them. As much as I tried to make myself fall in love with them, my feelings never went beyond friendship and there was nothing they or I could do to change that.

 

If she is not feeling it, I don't think there is anything you can do to change that. My advice is to accept that and start looking for someone who feels a million sparks when she is with you.

 

Good luck!

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Eternal Sunshine

What you feel for this girl is the "spark". The intensity of your feelings wouldn't be possible without first feeling the spark.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't feel as strongly towards you?

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