Should I start a relationship with a man who is 10 years older?

[lizzy12]

I'm 29 and he is 39 turning 40. He is very intelligent, healthy, kind and we get on well with similar interests. We have a lot of chemistry when we are together. He has been pursuing me, and I like him, but I have doubts whether I should date him or not. I would like to settle down in the next year or so. He wants to get married too and have kids.

 

However I have a few concerns- he has completed his 30s whereas I have yet to start. I have no shortage of admirers of my own age but so far I haven't found one with chemistry. But maybe it's only a matter of time before someone of my age comes along.

 

Since I wish to get married in the next two years or so, who I date is crucial as I don't wish to waste time on relationships with no future.

 

I am worried that if I were to date this guy, fall in love with him and marry him, that long term wise I will outlive him by a decade or more, or that he would be an old first time dad. I am also worried about the decline of male fertility after 40 years old. Can he still father a healthy baby?

 

Should I just cut this off or give it a chance and see how it pans out?

Edited May 6, 2015 by lizzy12

[cessna]

Age shouldn't matter and at the end of the day ten years isn't that great an age gap.

 

I think lots of blokes are now having kids later in life, my dad was much older than 40 when I was born so everything still worked as it should!

 

One other thing, I find it strange that you seem fixated on getting married rather than finding someone you love to marry.

 

Go for it, what have you got to lose?

[CarrieT]

Many, many in their SIXTIES are still fathering children.

 

The bigger question is: At almost 40, why hasn't he started a family and is that even something he would want??? Have you had those discussions yet because it may be a moot point.

[El Pallasso]

Men's fertility doesn't decrease or disappear completely like women.

 

Men can father children well unto death.

[BlueIris]

I say date him and see if he has the traits you’re looking for in a husband and possible father of your children. Finding personality and character traits that suit you is by far the most difficult part of finding a partner and the big advantage to dating someone older is that he has a longer track record that demonstrates who he is and how he lives- his character. Be proactive in getting the information you need.

 

Another possibility though-- A colleague of mine who just trend 31- who is beautiful and accomplished for her age- was in a similar situation, wanting to marry and start a family. So, after a few years of tumbling through the date and flirt cycle, she hired a matchmaker who found her a terrific man, a great match for her, and they just got engaged. Just a thought to consider. It’s nice to have a pool of people screened for various traits and particularly their seriousness about marriage and family.

[BluEyeL]

Yeah not a huge age difference

[lizzy12]

Age shouldn't matter and at the end of the day ten years isn't that great an age gap.

 

I think lots of blokes are now having kids later in life, my dad was much older than 40 when I was born so everything still worked as it should!

 

One other thing, I find it strange that you seem fixated on getting married rather than finding someone you love to marry.

 

Go for it, what have you got to lose?

 

Thank you guys for your replies. I think I will date him and have fun.

 

I'm definitely not fixated on getting married just to get married, but would like to settle down one day and with the right person and the best person.

 

Since I'm 28, reading the website 'the rules revisited' has scared me into finding a suitable partner before the age of 30.

[Mrin]

The age gap isn't an issue. He will be able to knock women up until he dies or gets a vasectomy. The think I would be crystal clear on with him is whether he wants to settle down and have kids. That seems like a deal breaker for you.

 

Listen love isn't always convenient. Love doesn't always come in an appropriate age range. You can't dial this stuff up. Love and chemistry is far more important than that.

[Mrin]

Thank you guys for your replies. I think I will date him and have fun.

 

I'm definitely not fixated on getting married just to get married, but would like to settle down one day and with the right person and the best person.

 

Since I'm 28, reading the website 'the rules revisited' has scared me into finding a suitable partner before the age of 30.

 

Stop reading that site

[lizzy12]

Stop reading that site

 

Is the Rules revisited a load of nonsense?

 

How hard is it to find someone that you have chemistry with really?

[elaine567]

Men's fertility doesn't decrease or disappear completely like women.

 

That is not true,

Male fertility decreases with age.

The figures about men, age and fertility

 

 

• The average time to pregnancy if a man is under 25 is just over 4.5 months but nearly two years if a man is over 40 (if the woman is under 25).
  
• There is a five-fold increase in time to pregnancy if the male partner is aged over 45 years.
  
• For couples having IVF, the risk of not having a baby is more than five times higher if the male partner is aged 41 or older.
  
• The volume of a man’s semen and sperm motility (the ability of sperm to move towards an egg) decrease continually between the ages of 20 and 80.
  
• The risk of miscarriage is twice as high for women whose male partner is aged over 45 than for those whose partners are under 25.
  

Children with fathers aged 40 or older are more than five times as likely to have an autism spectrum disorder than children fathered by men aged under 30.

A man?s age matters

 

 

Also

Children of older men at greater risk of mental illness, study suggests | Science | The Guardian

[empresario]

Our advice does not matter.

 

 

Let me explain.

 

 

I have dated the whole spectrum (male). I have dated a women 10 years older than me...and women 8 years younger. The dynamic of the relationship never changes. If you love them you don't see the age. They click with you and you experience everything blind to their apparent learned wisdom.

 

 

The only question, which only you can answer...is can you handle the social dynamic of it? Does his age embarrass you? Do you find him attractive? Is there a sociological gap in experiences and interests? Will you be OK when his skin sags and he goes grey while you still look hot?

 

 

I mean, I don't know you. I can only discredit your reservations. Think of the shallow reasons not to date him and consider if they are fine. The deeper stuff you're presenting will not matter.

 

 

Old father issue? Irrelevant if he takes care of himself. Most women 8-10 years younger than me think I'm their age because I'm dedicated to health and (for lack of better words) beauty rituals. I have the same energy, the same glow, and the same aspirations they do. That life-energy doesn't have to statically decline with age. People get unhealthy as they age because they stop trying...not because it's just something that happens.

 

 

Sounds like the real issue is your (pardon my bluntness) biological clock. Look. I get it. You are doing the math in your head. You count 6 years left of health child-bearing. I know you have that number because you're researching male fertility. Now, it feels like you are really asking us if you should settle for what you have or if you should risk finding something you want more. If that is the case then it's your decision.

 

 

But know this, you should never settle. Your life will play out beautifully no matter what happens. You have too few good years on this earth to stress about micromanaging the outcome. Tunnel vision makes you stupid. Being stupid makes you miserable. A family is not worth pursuing if you will be personally unhappy. Children create stressors/issues in a relationship...they don't fix them.

 

 

Any who, I'll quit ranting, but hopefully you understand the opinion.

[lizzy12]

Our advice does not matter.

 

 

Let me explain.

 

 

I have dated the whole spectrum (male). I have dated a women 10 years older than me...and women 8 years younger. The dynamic of the relationship never changes. If you love them you don't see the age. They click with you and you experience everything blind to their apparent learned wisdom.

 

 

The only question, which only you can answer...is can you handle the social dynamic of it? Does his age embarrass you? Do you find him attractive? Is there a sociological gap in experiences and interests? Will you be OK when his skin sags and he goes grey while you still look hot?

 

 

I mean, I don't know you. I can only discredit your reservations. Think of the shallow reasons not to date him and consider if they are fine. The deeper stuff you're presenting will not matter.

 

 

Old father issue? Irrelevant if he takes care of himself. Most women 8-10 years younger than me think I'm their age because I'm dedicated to health and (for lack of better words) beauty rituals. I have the same energy, the same glow, and the same aspirations they do. That life-energy doesn't have to statically decline with age. People get unhealthy as they age because they stop trying...not because it's just something that happens.

 

 

Sounds like the real issue is your (pardon my bluntness) biological clock. Look. I get it. You are doing the math in your head. You count 6 years left of health child-bearing. I know you have that number because you're researching male fertility. Now, it feels like you are really asking us if you should settle for what you have or if you should risk finding something you want more. If that is the case then it's your decision.

 

 

But know this, you should never settle. Your life will play out beautifully no matter what happens. You have too few good years on this earth to stress about micromanaging the outcome. Tunnel vision makes you stupid. Being stupid makes you miserable. A family is not worth pursuing if you will be personally unhappy. Children create stressors/issues in a relationship...they don't fix them.

 

 

Any who, I'll quit ranting, but hopefully you understand the opinion.

 

Thanks for your input! Good to hear that you are looking after yourself!! This guy is nearly 40 but looks 10 years younger. No wrinkles no grey hairs and is very athletic. Hopefully that means he is biologically young!!

 

I am not embarrassed about his age. I mean,10 years is not enough to be embarrassed over.

[katiegrl]

>>"He is 39 turning 40...

---

 

Well better than him being 39 turning 50 right? THAT would be an issue...lol

 

In all seriousness though, why not? You are both adults...

[elaine567]

No wrinkles no grey hairs and is very athletic.

I am not embarrassed about his age. I mean,10 years is not enough to be embarrassed over.

No, not yet, but in 10 years he will be 50, he WILL most likely be grey and a bit wrinkly, he may start feeling his age, and that may be more embarrassing for you.

I think the fact you are questioning it here on LS in the first place may be telling.

[loveweary11]

This isn't really even an age difference.

 

I had a similar age difference with my ex wife. Any hint of such a small age difference had no bearing on our lives at all, in any way.

 

This is on the cusp of, but still within, dating someone your own age.

 

Also, as you grow older together, you become more alike and closer in age mentally as well as percentage wise.

[ltjg45]

This topic comes home to me because I may one day be dating a woman that is at least 9 years younger than me.

 

Considering that I am 28, she is currently 19. So far, all we are doing is writing to each other but it is clear as day that we both have mutual interest in each other.

 

As to the OP, your question is very difficult to answer considering the age of both you and your guy. Like you said, he is about to be 40 and you are 29. This wouldn't be such a big problem.......if you didn't want kids.

 

Here is my suggestion. Ask him if you was to get into a relationship with him, how soon would you get married and how soon is he willing to have children? Considering he is about to turn 40, it does make it as risk as to whether or not he can still give birth to healthy children and, even if he can, you still have to consider that he is 40 already by the time the child is given birth at the earliest, if not 41+. So he will be 55+ by the time the child becomes a teenager. That is quite a big age difference, even between father and son.

 

You just need to ask him some hard questions and see how he responses. Even his expressions tell you a lot. Once you do, decide for yourself how to proceed.

 

Best of luck.

[Ambivalence]

Yes. This is normal.

 

Excuse me for comparing humans to objects, but I like to think of this in terms of "shelf life."

 

Women of a shelf life of about 15 years, roughly 18-33, before they will start having a tough time. It looks like a bell curve.

 

Men, on the other hand, have a shelf life of about 30 years. Double that of women, about 18-48. In addition, men only get more attractive as they age.

 

Obviously, it makes sense that women date men older than they are.

[ltjg45]

Yes. This is normal.

 

Excuse me for comparing humans to objects, but I like to think of this in terms of "shelf life."

 

Women of a shelf life of about 15 years, roughly 18-33, before they will start having a tough time. It looks like a bell curve.

 

Men, on the other hand, have a shelf life of about 30 years. Double that of women, about 18-48. In addition, men only get more attractive as they age.

 

Obviously, it makes sense that women date men older than they are.

 

That bolded part only applies if they keep themselves in shape.

 

With the high number of guys out there smoking and drinking themselves away, there is a big lack of "attractive older guys" out there.

 

Which is why I don't blame attractive, fit older women to go after younger guys, especially if she doesn't have kids and doesn't want them.

 

I do have to admit that I did like the style and dress of a 42 year old woman that I saw on a dating site once. She is very attractive. However, I can't see me advancing anything with her since I do want to build a family one day.

[Els]

I don't think 10 years is too big an age gap at your age, as age matters less the older we get. Fathering healthy children really isn't an issue at 40 - if he were 60s and above that could potentially be an issue. It can potentially be a disadvantage in some ways, but there isn't a LT couple alive who hasn't had their fair share of hurdles thrown at them.

 

So, if you're attracted to him, date him and see how things pan out. I don't think it has to be a dealbreaker in and of itself, get to know him and judge him as you would any other man.

[PogoStick]

He can still father a baby but there is some increased risk of birth defects. Then again, you've already increased that risk by waiting until your 30s so that's hypocritical.

 

I don't believe in worry about what happens when you hit 70 and he's 80. You both have to live that long first. Hell, you could get hit by a bus at 40 and he'll outlive you by 30 years. I suggest focusing on the next 10-20 years.

[Mrlonelyone]

Age difference does not have to be a problem. Between two people if you click and are having a good time growing together it is irrelevant.

 

If you are concerned about how it will look to other people. At 31 stop caring what other people will think of the man that makes you happy. Unless they have a real concern, like how he treats you, ignore them. In our 30's if you want to find someone you have to put your own judgement, needs, and happiness before any social pressure.

 

If you grow together in 10 years the age difference will not matter.

[Toodaloo]

No, not yet, but in 10 years he will be 50, he WILL most likely be grey and a bit wrinkly, he may start feeling his age, and that may be more embarrassing for you.

 

When I was 23 I was dating a guy who was over 50...

 

So far he is the only one who has kept up with my "apatite". Yes we got strange looks every now and then and no it wasn't all peaches and cream. Had he been the man he was pretending to be we would still be together now. Sadly he was putting on a front but ho hum can't win them all.

 

Date the man not the birthday.

 

ETA does this mean I have to ditch the chap I have been talking to because he is nearly 10 years younger??? Damn I liked him!

[lemoncello]

 

Date the man not the birthday.

 

 

This is my dating philosophy too. Although to be fair, the generation gap does start at around a decade and after that.

[lizzy12]

That bolded part only applies if they keep themselves in shape.

 

With the high number of guys out there smoking and drinking themselves away, there is a big lack of "attractive older guys" out there.

 

I am not usually attracted to older guys than me, I actually like guys born between 1991-1985. So it comes as a surprise to me to have a crush on this guy. I think the reason is because he looks like he could have been 30 and he also does a lot of activities which are deemed 'young' like breakdancing and watching kids movies...

 

He has mentioned he wants to settle down and have kids, and so do I.

 

I think the only things holding me back is that he will be 50 in ten years time, I have no idea what he will look like. It seems safer to me to stick to a guy my own age. But the attraction is strong!!!