She's cute, but I'm not physically attracted. Will attraction grow in the long term?

[Col1]

I've met someone and then had two dates over the last few days. I think she looks cute. But I'm not sexually attracted to her. I've kissed her at the end of dates. I don't feel the urge to try to make out with her or try for more. At this point, she feels more like a sister than a potential lover.

 

As a side note, I see girl-next-door types on the street. I don't know them, but I'd want to make out with them on the spot... and more.

 

So, this cute lady I've been dating: I love her eye and hair color. She isn't in the best shape, but she is a distance runner like me. Everything else about her matches who I want in a LTR. She has great values that match mine. Our long term goals are the same (marriage, house, one or two kids).

 

She really seems physically attracted to me. She holds my hand and puts her hand on my upper thigh during conversations. I've been verbally flirty back with her, but not physically flirtatious.

 

I'm pushing 40 and she's about the closest to my realistic ideal match. Based on my dating history, I doubt I can attract much better than her. If If I had more demand, I would tell her we were not a match and move on. But, she is someone I'd like to make a relationship work with.

 

Does sexual attraction for a partner grow with time or does it have to be there from the start?

[JuneJulySeptember]

There's really no point in asking this question because it's different for everybody.

 

For me, if somebody is cute/good looking, they are cute/good looking enough to kiss, have sex with, and marry. That part is good and I focus on if the compatibility is there.

 

But there are a lot of people here who need the spark, and the fire in the loins and a lot more.

 

There's no weird mystical, "yea she's totally super hot, but just not attractive to me" for me. That's completely foreign.

 

Anyway, nobody can tell you what type of person you are.

Edited May 6, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Eighty_nine]

Well, I don't really understand your predicament. But I think what you're saying is you find her face attractive, but not her body? Is that right? Or do you objectively find her face/body attractive, you just are not attracted to her? if that makes sense.

 

Regardless I think the overall answer to this is yes. I've had some of the best sex of my life with people I wasn't attracted to the first few times I met them. I do think attraction is a little more complicated for women than for men, though.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think you need to let her go.

 

Men are wired differently to women and their attraction doesn't grow in time.

[Vintage79]

I say give it a few more dates - as long as you're having a good time and don't have other options, what's the harm. At that point you can say you've given it your best shot.

 

That said, sure, that type of attraction can be built over time, it's just a bit more unusual (probably because people don't give it the time/effort - as they just move onto the next).

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I'm pushing 40 and she's about the closest to my realistic ideal match. Based on my dating history, I doubt I can attract much better than her. If If I had more demand, I would tell her we were not a match and move on. But, she is someone I'd like to make a relationship work with.

 

 

I just saw this part, and this is just a "if I were in your shoes" kind of thing.

 

There's no guaranteed path in life, and none of us know how much time we have left. If you meet somebody nice to spend time with who makes your life more enjoyable, then I personally would go with that.

 

I mean, if you had 15 people a week messaging you from OLD, then yea, you'd probably be like "I won't settle."

 

Do what brings sunshine into your life.

[FortunateSon]

I have had the same thing happen to me on more than one occasion, super cute girl with great qualities who is really into me, but I felt no sexual attraction towards them, they feel more like friends. I would give it a chance to develop but nothing ever evolved for me. It really can be frustrating, I felt like something was wrong with me, but eventually I realized it just was the right fit. Have you had a recent break up or have you been dealing with any other issues?

[barcode88]

I'm confused how you can find her cute but not attractive lol.

 

Don't move forward if you're not attracted, but make sure you aren't setting your standards too high.

 

She could be great girlfriend material.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm confused how you can find her cute but not attractive lol.

 

I don't understand that concept either. I always thought it was something women made up so that guys they rejected wouldn't feel ugly. "Oh, you're a good looking guy, but not attractive to me."

 

I'm pretty sure that if a guy/gal and their sister/brother were separated by birth without knowing and their sibling turned out to be really hot, that 100% of people would be all over it.

[empresario]

I don't understand that concept either. I always thought it was something women made up so that guys they rejected wouldn't feel ugly. "Oh, you're a good looking guy, but not attractive to me."

 

I'm pretty sure that if a guy/gal and their sister/brother were separated by birth without knowing and their sibling turned out to be really hot, that 100% of people would be all over it.

 

I didn't understand that concept until recently.

 

 

A recent woman I was in a relationship with would tell me that consistently. "I can't believe I'm attracted to you." What?

 

 

Turns out, those things don't have to be connected. She had dated cute guys her whole life. She had never dated someone she found attraction towards. The difference? Chemistry.

 

 

Example...you find a girl that is extremely hot. Your ideal body. Cute face. You start fooling around with her but for some reason the making out is mediocre. You want things to be amazing and on paper they should be...but they're not.

 

 

The fact is, chemistry between people is hard to explain, but very real. There is scientific reasoning, but a lot of it is psychological.

 

 

An example of science...it's proven through studies every person has bacteria on their skin (B.O.). The type of bacteria you grow is based on genetics. Have you ever started dating someone and realized you don't enjoy kissing their neck or skin as much as other people? Maybe they straight up stink. That's nature telling you that person is not supposed to be attractive to you. On the flip side, have you ever told someone you enjoy their smell...even their stink? It makes no sense but it happens. The closer that person is to you at growing bacteria, the less attracted to them you will be. That refutes your sibling argument. And it's proven.

 

 

An example of psychology...different people find varying levels od confidence sexy. Some guys like assisted masturbation. Other guys like to feel like the woman is confident and taking charge. So much goes into it. None of it has to do with physical beauty.

[GoBlue]

I'm pushing 40 and she's about the closest to my realistic ideal match. Based on my dating history, I doubt I can attract much better than her. If If I had more demand, I would tell her we were not a match and move on. But, she is someone I'd like to make a relationship work with.

 

Well my friend, read the above quote out loud to yourself one more time. Consider this, what if those were actually the words of a potential girlfriend and they wrote them about you? What would you say? Let me re-phrase your quote in my own words, "I'm really not attracted to her but she's the best I can get!" I am no expert but I am pretty sure that a relationship built on that foundation isn't on the most solid footing. Now, on the other hand, there are many cultures who still practice arranged marriages and those have a very low divorce rate. When asked why this is so, these couples usually respond that they "grow to love each other." Granted, they live in cultures where divorce is not rampant and an accepted norm. Still, attraction can definitely grow over time.

 

The problem here for me, however, is that you already have a built in expectation that strong sexual attraction should be the norm. The whole attitude of - "if I had more demand, I would tell her we're not a match and move on" is what really settles it in my own mind. I mean, what are you going to do if you marry her and then someone who you are attracted to expresses the same interest in you? Shove your wife her aside and move on? I have heard it described this way, "Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without." If you get to that point then you will have your answer.

[Mrin]

You might want to think about giving it one more date but ya, if you're not feeling it and you have already kissed her, I dunno if anything is going to change. Two short stories for you:

 

1. I once dated a women who was a competitive figure model. Objectively she was smoking hot. I once watched a waiter walk into a wall looking at her. She turned heads for sure - every single head in the room. We were a great fit too. But - I just was not attracted to her. It honestly drove me nuts because here was this woman who looked stunning but I just never even once undressed her in my mind. I finally realized - she looked fake. Too perfect. Boob job, sculpted body and all and honestly, her personality was fake too. Like a hard candied shell that I couldn't break. So after four dates I waved her off. My friends thought I was crazy.

 

2. When I met my soulmate, we had an 8 hour first date. She was amazing in all regards - physically stunning, had all the features that I desire, personality was over the top attractive. Smart. Driven. Confident. Genuine. But no physical attraction. On our second date (that lasted 12 hours) I finally kissed her about halfway through and it was like lightning arcing across the sky. Instant physical attraction and it has only grown from there. So I guess you never know - for me it was feeling like I connected with her and the rest is history.

 

So good luck dude!

[JuneJulySeptember]

Well my friend, read the above quote out loud to yourself one more time. Consider this, what if those were actually the words of a potential girlfriend and they wrote them about you? What would you say? Let me re-phrase your quote in my own words, "I'm really not attracted to her but she's the best I can get!" I am no expert but I am pretty sure that a relationship built on that foundation isn't on the most solid footing. Now, on the other hand, there are many cultures who still practice arranged marriages and those have a very low divorce rate. When asked why this is so, these couples usually respond that they "grow to love each other." Granted, they live in cultures where divorce is not rampant and an accepted norm. Still, attraction can definitely grow over time.

 

The problem here for me, however, is that you already have a built in expectation that strong sexual attraction should be the norm. The whole attitude of - "if I had more demand, I would tell her we're not a match and move on" is what really settles it in my own mind. I mean, what are you going to do if you marry her and then someone who you are attracted to expresses the same interest in you? Shove your wife her aside and move on? I have heard it described this way, "Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without." If you get to that point then you will have your answer.

 

I believe that's more of a function of how people think and talk than anything though.

 

For example, I would never say about a girl I went on a date with "Jenny is not attractive to me." I'd say, "Jenny is OK looking. Decent." From that point, I'll see where her personality is in terms of meshing with mine.

 

Conversely, if a woman says about me, "Well, JJS was OK looking when I first met him. Decent. And then we really connected as people." Well, then that's OK by me. Perfect actually.

 

But the reality is people say stuff like, "JJS is totally unattractive to me." Extremes.

 

The thing is we have to throw out so many extremes so it sounds like we're fishing for trout. We're talking about people.

 

P.S. I also think basing romance on things like "infatuation" and "can't live without" is very unhealthy and dangerous. But that is obviously another topic that has been discussed many times I am sure.

Edited May 6, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[saladfingers]

Short answer : no.

 

My wife was always "okay" to me. Beautiful face, but a BBW, the opposite of my type. I looked past it because (at the time) I thought she was a great woman. Her sex drive was through the roof - and mine usually is too but the problem was - I didn't always want to have sex with HER. Never cheated, but I often thought about being with a fit and skinny chick. Almost an obsession. But I pushed through and when the rest of her good qualities fell apart, I had little patience, i got the hell outta there.

[Ambivalence]

Short answer: No

Long answer: Hopefully not

 

If you're drawn into a state of scarcity, that is the belief that there are very few women out there available, you may fall into the pit and succumb to this relationship which is obviously undesirable.

 

Remember:

1) Men are attracted to visuals, women are attracted to behaviors.

2) There is an infinite abundance of women at all times.

[preraph]

How would you feel if she started dating another guy?