earlymorningshakes Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Alright, I'll preempt this by saying I know some of you guys are going to give me the too fast, too soon speech. To each their own. The boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months and we were both invested from day one. We have spent almost every single day over the past few months together, have had all of the discussions on how we feel about finances, family, fidelity expectations, man/woman roles, etc...you know, all the conversations you should have with the person that you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Anyhow, I felt that he had been hinting on moving in together and my housing situation is about to get complicated, so I straight up asked him how he felt about living together. He said absolutely, we should live together...and then a few sentences later...but he would need to wait a year before considering it. I was quite shocked by that. Now I absolutely realize that waiting a year is probably a wise thing to do, but we are already spending nearly every day together. I guess I see my friends who have been dating for a year but see each other just once a week and then look at my relationship, and I feel like my relationship is at a higher, committed level already. My thoughts are: We don't exactly live near each other, so we are spending a couple hours every day packing stuff and fighting traffic to get to each other's place. Living together just seems like the next step and the thought of doing this for 7 more months makes me want to cry. I'm wondering if I need to take a step back and lower the seriousness of the relationship (i.e. seeing each other less) if we aren't taking that step. Am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 your housing situation is about to get complicated and you saw this as an easy answer. Your boyfriend is right. Wait it out. See how you go. There is no rush and once you find yourself somewhere to live where you feel happier you will also appreciate the freedom. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 He's not ready to move in with you. You guys need to just keep dating and see if he starts talking about marriage in about a year. If not, he probably isn't going to commit to you or maybe anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author earlymorningshakes Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 your housing situation is about to get complicated and you saw this as an easy answer. Your boyfriend is right. Wait it out. See how you go. There is no rush and once you find yourself somewhere to live where you feel happier you will also appreciate the freedom. Er...no to the freedom. I live by myself currently but submitted a notice that I was going to move out because a dear friend of mine wanted to rent a house together. Now she has backed out on me and I thought that it seemed like the perfect time to see if that's what he had in mind. Apparently not. I don't think they've rented out my place yet and I can probably resign if I need to. Just disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 You should not move in or get married until you see a track record.... I'd wait a couple years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author earlymorningshakes Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 You should not move in or get married until you see a track record.... I'd wait a couple years. I just don't agree with this at all. If you can't see yourself living with someone for a couple years, they are clearly not the person you are meant to be with. If I'm not passionate enough about someone to BE with them within a year, then what's the point? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Er...no to the freedom. I live by myself currently but submitted a notice that I was going to move out because a dear friend of mine wanted to rent a house together. Now she has backed out on me and I thought that it seemed like the perfect time to see if that's what he had in mind. Apparently not. I don't think they've rented out my place yet and I can probably resign if I need to. Just disappointed. Moving in together just because an opportunity arise is a bad idea. Go back to your old place and continue dating. Without moving in together you can always spend one week at each other's place and alternate but keep your respective place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carverthegray88 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I've made the mistake of thinking just because we spend every minute of the day together we should move it. It's a good sign, but it's not everything. Wait it out definitely as for feeling sad, you are in a great relationship and you say, focus on that, no reason to be sad or angry right now! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Er...no to the freedom. I live by myself currently but submitted a notice that I was going to move out because a dear friend of mine wanted to rent a house together. Now she has backed out on me and I thought that it seemed like the perfect time to see if that's what he had in mind. Apparently not. I don't think they've rented out my place yet and I can probably resign if I need to. Just disappointed. Well why not ask if you can retract your notice and stay where you are. Seriously you don't want to move in with this guy yet... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I just don't agree with this at all. If you can't see yourself living with someone for a couple years, they are clearly not the person you are meant to be with. If I'm not passionate enough about someone to BE with them within a year, then what's the point? You got things backward. You will always feel passionate about someone in the first year. To be able to live with someone long term you have to test the dept of your relationship and that's after 1 year dating when the butterflies settle down. Your boyfriend knows that. He knows he needs to let the honeymoon phase pass to see the real strength of your relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Alright, I'll preempt this by saying I know some of you guys are going to give me the too fast, too soon speech. To each their own. The boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months and we were both invested from day one. We have spent almost every single day over the past few months together, have had all of the discussions on how we feel about finances, family, fidelity expectations, man/woman roles, etc...you know, all the conversations you should have with the person that you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Anyhow, I felt that he had been hinting on moving in together and my housing situation is about to get complicated, so I straight up asked him how he felt about living together. He said absolutely, we should live together...and then a few sentences later...but he would need to wait a year before considering it. I was quite shocked by that. Now I absolutely realize that waiting a year is probably a wise thing to do, but we are already spending nearly every day together. I guess I see my friends who have been dating for a year but see each other just once a week and then look at my relationship, and I feel like my relationship is at a higher, committed level already. My thoughts are: We don't exactly live near each other, so we are spending a couple hours every day packing stuff and fighting traffic to get to each other's place. Living together just seems like the next step and the thought of doing this for 7 more months makes me want to cry. I'm wondering if I need to take a step back and lower the seriousness of the relationship (i.e. seeing each other less) if we aren't taking that step. Am I wrong? Why don't you consider moving closer to him or to each other? Maybe half way or something. Tell him how difficult you feel it's become and talk about alternatives. Yes, waiting another year is probably a wise thing but maybe there's something you two can compromise on. Maybe spend a few days at a time at one another's places. Yeah, you'd probably commuting to work though. But, this would be a good test for "living together" too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 If you won't listen to me, listen to Gaeta. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author earlymorningshakes Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Why don't you consider moving closer to him or to each other? Maybe half way or something. Tell him how difficult you feel it's become and talk about alternatives. Yes, waiting another year is probably a wise thing but maybe there's something you two can compromise on. Maybe spend a few days at a time at one another's places. Yeah, you'd probably commuting to work though. But, this would be a good test for "living together" too. Oh, we already spend full weeks at each others, which is what I am trying to convey...I don't understand the thought behind waiting when we practically live with each other, but are paying two separate rents and wasting a ton of gas driving back and forth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author earlymorningshakes Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 You got things backward. You will always feel passionate about someone in the first year. To be able to live with someone long term you have to test the dept of your relationship and that's after 1 year dating when the butterflies settle down. Your boyfriend knows that. He knows he needs to let the honeymoon phase pass to see the real strength of your relationship. Fair enough. I agree with that, considering I have been through a 6 year marriage. I am fully aware that the butterflies go away. I do not agree that you will always feel passionate. I dated someone for six months and did not feel passionate enough to join our lives. That's when I knew it was time for me to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Fair enough. I agree with that, considering I have been through a 6 year marriage. I am fully aware that the butterflies go away. I do not agree that you will always feel passionate. I dated someone for six months and did not feel passionate enough to join our lives. That's when I knew it was time for me to walk away. I am glad you understand and you know what I mean by you will always feel passionate the first year. I did not mean with anybody I meant when you meet someone special enough you feel he's 'the one', it's normal to feel passionate, it's still important to understand it's a honeymoon phase and what's on the other side of that honeymoon phase will determine if you are long term material. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 He isn't ready. And he's wise to want to wait. Yes, you spend a lot of time together already but living together represents a much bigger commitment and he's telling you (in so many words) that he needs more time to make that commitment. That's not a bad thing - it indicates he has good judgment and doesn't want to rush things. You say he was hinting at moving in; what did he say that led you to believe that? Link to post Share on other sites
dancingsunflowers80 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 It sounds like your relationship is going well, aside from this little hiccup. Your boyfriend may just be more traditional in his thinking, I don't think it necessarily means he isn't ready to move in together. Traditional, stand-up guys are hard to come by gf, so if he treats you well, that is awesome. If you guys go down the road of talking about an engagement eventually, I high recommend premarital counseling to find out if you're compatible for a lifetime commitment. PM if you want references, I know of a few good places. Blessings! mommato2lilmonkeys 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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