Thaddius Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 (edited) I've been dating a girl for 3months, we get a long really well together in the sense that we got extremely comfortable with each other really quick. (like within a week or two of meeting). We're both kind of introverted and slow to open up so this process usually takes months to a year to happen. She is always happy to see me and sometimes drives an hour just to spend a day with me. We have good chemistry and often talk for hours on the phone when time permits. My problem is that(I guess because of how comfortable we've grown with each other in the short time) she gets mad at me and seems moody sometimes when we're not physically with each other. She really bothered and grumpy when I dont text her throughout the day and "ignores" her. She talks about how when I'm out with my friends that I dont keep her updated.(Which I do). Sometimes I wont reply to something she says because it's just a statement and I don't know what to say but she takes it as I'm "ignoring" her. This is the same when I dont take a moment out to call her like when I'm driving(I like listening to music when I drive). We ended up having an argument over this whole ordeal and I dont really know how to deal with it because I want to get past it and I told her Ill try my best but I dont want to promise her because I dont know if I can. Is this something that I should learn to compromise for? I'm curious to if people have dealt with this scenario before or if they could share some insight on whats going through her head Edited May 4, 2015 by Thaddius Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 She sounds like a child. You should not have to UPDATE her when you are out with friends. WTF? How old is she? I would ask her why she expects that, I guess she is just insecure but that's her issue & you shouldn't be making it yours. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thaddius Posted May 4, 2015 Author Share Posted May 4, 2015 She sounds like a child. You should not have to UPDATE her when you are out with friends. WTF? How old is she? I would ask her why she expects that, I guess she is just insecure but that's her issue & you shouldn't be making it yours. Well she takes it as I'm "ignoring" her when I dont text her throughout the day Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Well she takes it as I'm "ignoring" her when I dont text her throughout the day Insecure, overly-needy, low self-esteem, guilt-tripping, manipulating, controlling...take your pick. Or all of the above. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Carm Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Well she takes it as I'm "ignoring" her when I dont text her throughout the day I'm with Veggirl, that's very childish. You didn't answer her question though, I'm also curious how old is this girl? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I've been dating a girl for 3months, we get a long really well together in the sense that we got extremely comfortable with each other really quick. (like within a week or two of meeting). We're both kind of introverted and slow to open up so this process usually takes months to a year to happen. She is always happy to see me and sometimes drives an hour just to spend a day with me. We have good chemistry and often talk for hours on the phone when time permits. My problem is that(I guess because of how comfortable we've grown with each other in the short time) she gets mad at me and seems moody sometimes when we're not physically with each other. She really bothered and grumpy when I dont text her throughout the day and "ignores" her. She talks about how when I'm out with my friends that I dont keep her updated.(Which I do). Sometimes I wont reply to something she says because it's just a statement and I don't know what to say but she takes it as I'm "ignoring" her. This is the same when I dont take a moment out to call her like when I'm driving(I like listening to music when I drive). We ended up having an argument over this whole ordeal and I dont really know how to deal with it because I want to get past it and I told her Ill try my best but I dont want to promise her because I dont know if I can. Is this something that I should learn to compromise for? I'm curious to if people have dealt with this scenario before or if they could share some insight on whats going through her head She's sharing her needs with you, albeit she seems a little too needy. If you are going to have a quality long-term relationship, when one person shares a need with you and you care enough about them, you will make a compromise. Tell her that you understand her need to be more in touch, but that you can't do it as much as she'd like. Offer her a compromise. But, more importantly, make sure you show her how much you care for her when you two are together. If she gets enough then, all you have to do is maintenance. A call in the evening, a good morning and good afternoon text. Communication needs to be balanced. She's overdoing her part. Wanting updates while you are out with your friends, is too much in my book though. When you are having "me" time or guy "time", it's your time. She needs to get busier with her own life. At three months, she shouldn't be expecting so much. You are still two individuals with separate lives. If you make a compromise, you give it a little time to see if she's receptive and more satisfied. If she is still nagging you then, I'd tell her you're moving on. No one wants to be under the microscope in a relationship. What's going through her head is insecurity. Make her feel secure in the relationship when you are together and encourage her to be busy with her own life so that her world doesn't revolve around you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 What does she want, a play by play of your activities when you're with your friends? Definitely insecure, needy and....all of the already mentioned in above posts. You're in for a life of walking on eggshells if you keep this one around. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 This might help the part I can agree with your gf on is being unresponsive to her statements Imo one of the biggest rules of texting is at least giving an "ok" so the other person feels awknowledged or heard and a "bye" when the convo has ended. If you leave it blank yes people will think you're ignoring or bad at looking at your msgs thats just how it is. There is no body language in texting. She might be needy yeah you might be the only thing she's got going on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SingleDude Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Reply to her texts. You got a girl who likes you. Case closed. Link to post Share on other sites
El Pallasso Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Classic signs of an abusive relationship. Emotionally manipulative, rude, insecure, childish, possible BPD are what she is. She has you in her grips and she knows you are too weak to leave her. It is NEVER, EVER going to get better. You think she's worse now? Wait till she starts pushing for you guys to move in together or for marriage. You will have to deal with this EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE. If that is what you really want, then go ahead and continue to tolerate her behavior. If you have any sense, you will set her straight anytime she steps out of line. Let her get mad when you don't respond to her manic texts asking you to "update" her on where you are or what you're doing. That is ON HER. She CHOSE to react that way. She will get over it. If she doesn't, then good. You dodged a bullet. Stop trying to fix these crazy types. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 She's needy and insecure. There needs to a be a compromise or it will never work. You shouldn't need to update her when you're with your friends - what type of "updates" is she expecting? You could drop her a couple extra texts during the day but she needs to work on her own insecurity too so that she doesn't misinterpret your silence. How old are you both? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thaddius Posted May 4, 2015 Author Share Posted May 4, 2015 I'm with Veggirl, that's very childish. You didn't answer her question though, I'm also curious how old is this girl? We're both 24 this year Link to post Share on other sites
Carm Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I think you're going to have sit down and have a heart to heart chat with her. It's ridiculous to text all day. You've only been with her for 3 months. How did she fill her time before you? That would be a put off if my bf text me all day. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Well she takes it as I'm "ignoring" her when I dont text her throughout the day Does she not have a job / school / friends / things to do? I can't wrap my head around expecting someone to be at your beck & call 24/7. That's not normal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JesRabbit Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 (edited) I've been dating a girl for 3months, we get a long really well together in the sense that we got extremely comfortable with each other really quick. (like within a week or two of meeting). We're both kind of introverted and slow to open up so this process usually takes months to a year to happen. She is always happy to see me and sometimes drives an hour just to spend a day with me. We have good chemistry and often talk for hours on the phone when time permits. My problem is that(I guess because of how comfortable we've grown with each other in the short time) she gets mad at me and seems moody sometimes when we're not physically with each other. She really bothered and grumpy when I dont text her throughout the day and "ignores" her. She talks about how when I'm out with my friends that I dont keep her updated.(Which I do). Sometimes I wont reply to something she says because it's just a statement and I don't know what to say but she takes it as I'm "ignoring" her. This is the same when I dont take a moment out to call her like when I'm driving(I like listening to music when I drive). We ended up having an argument over this whole ordeal and I dont really know how to deal with it because I want to get past it and I told her Ill try my best but I dont want to promise her because I dont know if I can. Is this something that I should learn to compromise for? I'm curious to if people have dealt with this scenario before or if they could share some insight on whats going through her head It's like you were describing me in my last relationship. I did this to him because I didn't trust him and he had history of talking to other women but me. And everytime he wasn't talking to me, I thought he was talking to someone else. Someone would call me insecure, but he gave me enough reasons to act like this because I caught him on numerous occasions. He would give me 1 or 2 word responses but give a 200 word paragraph to random women. BOTTOM LINE, SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU Does she not have a job / school / friends / things to do? I can't wrap my head around expecting someone to be at your beck & call 24/7. That's not normal. That too, I was just bored and wanted to talk to him when I was bored, but he TRAINED me to act like this because before we would talk ALL DAY EVERYDAY. If the OP talked to her a lot and then slacked off, then that could be the reason. With women, you can't just train us one way then change, then we get obsessive and suspicious which eventually kills trust then eventually the relationship Edited May 4, 2015 by JesRabbit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 It's like you were describing me in my last relationship. I did this to him because I didn't trust him and he had history of talking to other women but me. And everytime he wasn't talking to me, I thought he was talking to someone else. Someone would call me insecure, but he gave me enough reasons to act like this because I caught him on numerous occasions. He would give me 1 or 2 word responses but give a 200 word paragraph to random women. BOTTOM LINE, SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU So then why did you stay with him? Just curious. I mean what's the point of being in a relationship with a man if you don't trust him? Right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JesRabbit Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 So then why did you stay with him? Just curious. I mean what's the point of being in a relationship with a man if you don't trust him? Right? I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he would change. In love, we want to give chances that they are usually unworthy of. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 (edited) I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he would change. In love, we want to give chances that they are usually unworthy of. Not to belabor, but it sounds like, in your mind, there was no doubt, which is why you became so insecure, etc. I mean, if there was doubt, and you wanted to give him the benefit of that doubt, you would not have behaved that way.. But I won't beat your up for staying, it's hard leaving when you love someone so much. I completely get that... But hopefully, lesson learned.. As for the OP, it doesn't sound like they've been dating long enough for her not to trust him, unless she just doesn't trust men in general. That's possible. But regardless, I just think she's very insecure with low self-esteem, and as such, needy, controlling and manipulative. Edited May 4, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Price2Play Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Insecure, overly-needy, low self-esteem, guilt-tripping, manipulating, controlling...take your pick. Or all of the above. You forgot CO-DEPENDENT! Link to post Share on other sites
Ambivalence Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 It is good to not be needy. Don't text all the time, go at a leisurely pace, and enjoy your own life before you worry about pleasing her (assuming you're not extremely serious). Prove you're an independent man who is on his path and purpose. Never forget to sprinkle those IOI (indicators of interests) though! Every once in a while show her how much you care, send her a thoughtful text or something. Be aware that most people have the problem of doing too much IOI. Don't fall into that trap and you'll be A.O.K. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thaddius Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Thanks for the all the replies. There are a wide range of different perspectives and I'm taking them all into account to find the most fitting one for my situation. After the talk last night with her, we got into a really heated argument and although we are good right now(or so it seems) I have this really uneasy feeling in my chest. On one hand I have amazing chemistry with her and I've never developed this kind of comfortableness with someone so fast(Im easy to talk to but hard to get close to). Shes also the type of person that I can see myself with in the long run(traditional views and similar ideology and beliefs). This in itself makes me believe that me meeting someone like her is rare and I want to be able to work things out. But on the other hand, I also realize and do believe that what shes doing is a bit too much for me and I want to cut it and try to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Thanks for the all the replies. There are a wide range of different perspectives and I'm taking them all into account to find the most fitting one for my situation. After the talk last night with her, we got into a really heated argument and although we are good right now(or so it seems) I have this really uneasy feeling in my chest. On one hand I have amazing chemistry with her and I've never developed this kind of comfortableness with someone so fast(Im easy to talk to but hard to get close to). Shes also the type of person that I can see myself with in the long run(traditional views and similar ideology and beliefs). This in itself makes me believe that me meeting someone like her is rare and I want to be able to work things out. But on the other hand, I also realize and do believe that what shes doing is a bit too much for me and I want to cut it and try to move on. I have a question - why don't you text her during the day to touch base and let her know you're thinking about her? A simple good morning. Have a great day. Talk later goes a long way. Just curious. I don't think her wanting or expecting a text during the day I unreasonable at all. I'd like that too. It's all about making her feel special and that you care. The texting while you're out with your friends is a bit much and I don't agree with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thaddius Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I have a question - why don't you text her during the day to touch base and let her know you're thinking about her? A simple good morning. Have a great day. Talk later goes a long way. Just curious. I don't think her wanting or expecting a text during the day I unreasonable at all. I'd like that too. It's all about making her feel special and that you care. The texting while you're out with your friends is a bit much and I don't agree with that. I text her in the morning, when I'm at activities and just generally when she crosses my mind or I see something interesting and I want to send her a picture. I also call her at night before bed time. However, there are do doubt certain days where Im running around and maybe I send less texts(typically when Im out with my friends) and this feeds her belief that when I'm out with my friends I "ignore her". From my side of the picture, I really am trying and I do think that I am keeping in touch with her, but I guess from her point of view its like I'm ignoring her and that is what creates the drama. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I text her in the morning, when I'm at activities and just generally when she crosses my mind or I see something interesting and I want to send her a picture. I also call her at night before bed time. However, there are do doubt certain days where Im running around and maybe I send less texts(typically when Im out with my friends) and this feeds her belief that when I'm out with my friends I "ignore her". From my side of the picture, I really am trying and I do think that I am keeping in touch with her, but I guess from her point of view its like I'm ignoring her and that is what creates the drama. Hmm, if you call her before bed every night that should suffice. She seems to have the biggest issue when you are out with your friends. I think she should say have a great time - talk to you later not expect you to text when out with them. I would try talking to her about it before throwing in the towel. It is immature, needy behavior. Has she been cheated on before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thaddius Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Hmm, if you call her before bed every night that should suffice. She seems to have the biggest issue when you are out with your friends. I think she should say have a great time - talk to you later not expect you to text when out with them. I would try talking to her about it before throwing in the towel. It is immature, needy behavior. Has she been cheated on before? No, she hasn't but she did say that she was the jealous type but has gotten better. (about half a year ago). Link to post Share on other sites
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