Trouble putting ego aside

[hunk]

I've gone on 2 dates with a girl in the past few weeks, she's really cool and I think I'm pretty into it. She seems the same. SEEMS.

 

1st date - was great, one of the best dates i've probably been on, kissed at the end (not make out, kind of left her hanging)

 

2nd date - she flaked because she "had no money" but rescheduled for the next night, again went super well and made out a lot after

 

So I planned a 3rd date a week later to which she said she was really keen for. Anyway the day comes around and she sends me a pretty long message saying she's really sorry but she's got the flu, got sent home from class (didn't think this happened at uni .. bit weird but whatever) and asked if we could reschedule for "some time next week". I was pretty short in response but basically said it was fine and for her to let me know when she's feeling better. My sense was telling me she was flaking so I kind of ignored the "reschedule" putting the ball in her court to contact me when she felt better so we didn't set up another day and she flake on it again.

 

This was Friday and it's now Monday night and we haven't spoken at all. I don't know whether to just wait (this is my gut instinct) or to contact her asking if she's feeling better etc. She never initiates messages and we pretty much don't talk between dates (i've sent her a couple of texts/had some short convos) because I'm not into texting that much and would rather use them to set up dates/times etc.

 

On dates she seems very into me, but i'm starting to get anxious about the situation now, usually at this stage i've got some consistent contact with the girl (mutual messages, a keenness to see me etc) but nothing like that seems to be going on here.

 

Should I give her a call tomorrow? I can't shake my gut feeling that she should be contacting me. I dunno whether this is insecurity or what. I just feel like since she flaked she should be the one trying to make it up, but maybe she doesn't think i'm that into her...?

 

Thanks

[badpenny]

Relationships aren't a game of ping-pong.

It would be considerate and caring of you to not only contact her to see how she is, but send her some flowers and a get well soon card.

 

 

it seems a bit childish to be thinking, "well she did *this*, so now it's her turn...."

 

A bit like playground accusations.... "Wasn't me miss, SHE started it, it's all her fault....!"

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're doing the right thing, you're just getting that itch that so many people get when they panic and are into someone and they fall for those emotions...so there are people who will indulge you in those emotions and tell you to contact her just to see what happens...but it lowers you on this intangible level in the other persons eyes, you need to be able to respect yourself...you just can't afford to get desperate and start talking yourself into doing all the irrational and emotional things you want to do.

 

But hey, it's your life, your call.

 

Personally, I'd let it go...if she flaked on you and didn't reschedule or keep in touch, I'd assume she's dating other men or just not that interested. A lot of women juggle men around and choose the best one at the end, I wouldn't personally waste my time with those kind of women...and at 34 years old, never have.

 

Well one time, the exception where I went a little "crazy" and acted a bit desperate, but I knew I was nailing the nail into my own coffin...but I had just went through something unrelated that was very emotional, so I wasn't my usual self at all.

 

And to the other thing, if a woman isn't that interested in you after the first or second date, I don't think she's going to be. At that point you're just competing with other male interest in her life, but that's not a good sign. And she's not like extremely busy with all kinds of things or an adult here, she's just going to uni. She has time to contact you here and there if she'd like to.

 

At any rate, my vote is to let it go...but if you want to be second or third place or an option and just try to get in that way, so be it and reach out to her and give her a bit of "chase", some women feel special for all that, even though they might not necessarily date you in the end.

[hunk]

Thanks Ninja. The thing is she kind of did offer to reschedule, but I just blew it aside because as i said, i'd rather she come out and contact me when she's "better" because that shows she's actually interested and taking the initiative. I've just got this stupid niggling doubt in my head that maybe I should be the one pushing it more and calling her again, but it just doesn't feel right to me.

 

I'm not the type to chase women and i never have been, not sure if it's an ego thing (i think it is), i look for a mutual spark/attraction which i'm usually decent at picking up on, and work from that. We definitely seemed to have that.

[hunk]

Relationships aren't a game of ping-pong.

It would be considerate and caring of you to not only contact her to see how she is, but send her some flowers and a get well soon card.

 

 

it seems a bit childish to be thinking, "well she did *this*, so now it's her turn...."

 

A bit like playground accusations.... "Wasn't me miss, SHE started it, it's all her fault....!"

 

I get where you're coming from, but we've been on 2 dates, I think going all out like that would scare her. It would scare me that's for sure. For the time we've known eachother it's still the "feeling eachother out" stage i feel and I don't wanna put myself out there so early if she's not into it. If we'd been on a few more dates etc i'd be more comfortable kind of being a bit more upfront about it but it's just so early

[badpenny]

Personally, I think you're overthinking it.

 

There's nothing wrong with a kindly gesture.

You'd do it for your mom, why ot this girl?

 

If you don't make it look romantic (neutral flowers, no roses, plain friendly message) jeesh.... why is it so hard for people to connect as humans first?

 

She's unwell.

ou care.

Period.

Why does everything have to have an agenda?

 

Sad indictment of dating today, I guess.... so much can be read into so little, because we assume, presume and misconstrue....

 

Don't look at it from your perspective, or how YOU'D feel.

Any young lady feeling under the weather would be cheered by such a gesture.

 

Time for elaborations afterwards...

 

 

Stop wondering. Just do it.

Be the nice guy.

[Redhead14]

I've gone on 2 dates with a girl in the past few weeks, she's really cool and I think I'm pretty into it. She seems the same. SEEMS.

 

1st date - was great, one of the best dates i've probably been on, kissed at the end (not make out, kind of left her hanging)

 

2nd date - she flaked because she "had no money" but rescheduled for the next night, again went super well and made out a lot after

 

So I planned a 3rd date a week later to which she said she was really keen for. Anyway the day comes around and she sends me a pretty long message saying she's really sorry but she's got the flu, got sent home from class (didn't think this happened at uni .. bit weird but whatever) and asked if we could reschedule for "some time next week". I was pretty short in response but basically said it was fine and for her to let me know when she's feeling better. My sense was telling me she was flaking so I kind of ignored the "reschedule" putting the ball in her court to contact me when she felt better so we didn't set up another day and she flake on it again.

 

This was Friday and it's now Monday night and we haven't spoken at all. I don't know whether to just wait (this is my gut instinct) or to contact her asking if she's feeling better etc. She never initiates messages and we pretty much don't talk between dates (i've sent her a couple of texts/had some short convos) because I'm not into texting that much and would rather use them to set up dates/times etc.

 

On dates she seems very into me, but i'm starting to get anxious about the situation now, usually at this stage i've got some consistent contact with the girl (mutual messages, a keenness to see me etc) but nothing like that seems to be going on here.

 

Should I give her a call tomorrow? I can't shake my gut feeling that she should be contacting me. I dunno whether this is insecurity or what. I just feel like since she flaked she should be the one trying to make it up, but maybe she doesn't think i'm that into her...?

 

Thanks

 

It's only been 2 dates. You should go at it a little harder in the very beginning. And, then you could expect her to do a little more in return. Yeah, get out of the texting thing. Phone calls are so much better. Give her a call, ask how she's feeling, be supportive, etc. It will show her your truly interested, #1, and 2, you'll get a better sense from her tone, etc. as to what's going on. When you call, ask how she's feeling and ask her for another date with specifics for the following week to allow for her to fully recover from whatever made her ill. If she doesn't accept the date, I'd move on. There's been a lot of "gray" area here. Take the bull by the horns to get clarity.,

[hunk]

Thank you, great advice. Will call her tomorrow if I don't hear anything and report back

[Redhead14]

Thank you, great advice. Will call her tomorrow if I don't hear anything and report back

 

 

We all do the "she loves me, she loves me not" thing. But it's all about guessing and fear of "rejection". If both of you are doing it and hesitating, nothing ever happens.

 

Sure, you'd like her to be the one to take that leap, but in the end, it's not really about rejection. Rejection is too harsh a word for being turned away after only one or two dates. It's just that it didn't click for one or the other. They aren"t rejecting YOU, they don't know you well enough to be able to "reject" you. A rejection is more about knowing someone well enough and realizing or deciding you aren't the one for them based on personality, compatibility, whatever. If someone doesn't know me yet but decides not to date me, I'm not feeling "rejected" or hurt in any way. It is what it is. So be it. You can't possibly click with everyone you date. There will be a ton more that don't work out than do. That's for sure. But that doesn't mean you stop trying

[katiegrl]

Thank you, great advice. Will call her tomorrow if I don't hear anything and report back

 

Completely agree with Red, but why wait until tomorrow to call?

 

She has been sick with the flu, are you not genuinely curious to know how she's feeling?

 

Or are you only calling as some sort of strategy, because you think you "should"?

 

The title of this thread mentions your "ego."

 

My suggestion would be to take your ego out of it, and call her today and ask how she is feeling...

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Thank you, great advice. Will call her tomorrow if I don't hear anything and report back

 

Another one bites the dust!

[katiegrl]

Another one bites the dust!

 

Ninja, not necessarily.

 

I read your last post, and couple of things.

 

1. She flaked on date two but "immediately" rescheduled for the following night. So she and hunk went on date 2 and had a fabulous time.

 

2. Then she got the flu. Sent him a long message explaining, and offered to reschedule for the following week, after she feels better.

 

So how do you get she's flat out not interested?

 

Are women NOT allowed to get sick in your world ... lest you think they're not interested and blowing you off?

 

That's a pretty self-defeating attitude...

[Redhead14]

Thanks Ninja. The thing is she kind of did offer to reschedule, but I just blew it aside because as i said, i'd rather she come out and contact me when she's "better" because that shows she's actually interested and taking the initiative. I've just got this stupid niggling doubt in my head that maybe I should be the one pushing it more and calling her again, but it just doesn't feel right to me.

 

I'm not the type to chase women and i never have been, not sure if it's an ego thing (i think it is), i look for a mutual spark/attraction which i'm usually decent at picking up on, and work from that. We definitely seemed to have that.

 

This isn't about chasing -- yet. It's only 2 dates, and they went well. Now, it's getting clarity. It would become chasing if you get clearly negative responses and you keep pursuing to try to "win" her over/change her mind. She might be sitting there saying she doesn't chase men and so she's not reaching out. You're at an impasse without even realizing it

 

Somebody has to get the ball rolling. And, like it or not, it's usually the man. Accepting that, is key. You rolled it to her, she rolled it back. There was a bump in the way last time. Start on the other side of the bump now.

 

If she's interested enough, later on she will balance it out. And, if you're ego is being compromised for someone you barely know, you're too invested already

Edited May 4, 2015 by Redhead14

[Gary S]

She says she's sick. Is it an excuse not to see you, or is it real?

 

Even if she really is sick with the flu, you won't see her for so long it will probably kill momentum.

 

What should you do? - same thing you would do with a casual friend. You wait. if she likes you, she'll call you when she's feeling better.

 

If you can't see them at least once a week, it's probably a lost cause.

[katiegrl]

She says she's sick. Is it an excuse not to see you, or is it real?

 

Even if she really is sick with the flu, you won't see her for so long it will probably kill momentum.

 

What should you do? - **same thing you would do with a casual friend. You wait. if she likes you, she'll call you when she's feeling better.**

 

If you can't see them at least once a week, it's probably a lost cause.

 

Gary, if a friend were sick with the flu, or any other illness, you wouldn't call to see how they are feeling?

 

Wow......

[fitnessfan365]

In this case, a text is better.

 

1) A call should be used to plan a date, and she'll have no idea when she's going to feel 100%.

 

2) She probably will be in and out of sleep and a text allows her to get back to you at her own pace. Less intrusive.

 

Just send a simple text saying "Dr Hunk checking in on the patient. ;-)" (obviously use your real name..LOL). This lets her know that your interest is genuine and she can get back to you on her own time frame. When she does, simply say that you hope she gets better soon and to drop you a line when she's up to getting together. Then when she eventually texts you, you follow up with a phone call to set the date up over the phone.

[Redhead14]

Gary, if a friend were sick with the flu, or any other illness, you wouldn't call to see how they are feeling?

 

Wow......

 

Yeah, Gary. What if they get farther down the road? If he calls her now to check on her, he'll probably be one to hold her hair back when she's throwing up and make her chicken noodle soup

[katiegrl]

I can't be bothered checking text messages when I am really sick.

 

I would much rather a quick call...

 

Just me..

 

But if you don't have the balls to pick up the phone and call (which I gather from your posts hunk is NOT the case), a text message is better than nothing.

[fitnessfan365]

A few years ago I got hit with the nastiest combo of viruses ever. The flu, a sinus infection in my left occular cavity, and pink eye in the same eye. So for two weeks I could barely get out of bed, and barely had enough energy to stay awake. Plus, when you have the flu, you cough, your throat gets sore, etc.. It seriously felt like a chore having to return voice mails and took way too much energy to talk on the phone even for a few minutes. For me personally, returning a text and being able to go back to sleep was much, much better.

 

So putting myself in the position of the person who's sick, I think a text message is far less intrusive. Remember, he's not asking her out via text. He's simply touching base and checking in on her. Then when she's better she'll let him know, and he'll ask her out properly over the phone.

[katiegrl]

A few years ago I got hit with the nastiest combo of viruses ever. The flu, a sinus infection in my left occular cavity, and pink eye in the same eye. So for two weeks I could barely get out of bed, and barely had enough energy to stay awake. Plus, when you have the flu, you cough, your throat gets sore, etc.. It seriously felt like a chore having to return voice mails and took way too much energy to talk on the phone even for a few minutes. For me personally, returning a text and being able to go back to sleep was much, much better.

 

So putting myself in the position of the person who's sick, I think a text message is far less intrusive. Remember, he's not asking her out via text. He's simply touching base and checking in on her. Then when she's better she'll let him know, and he'll ask her out properly over the phone.

 

Fair enough, I just think a call is more personal, tis all.

 

If she does not answer, which being really sick, she probably won't, he can leave a voice message wishing her well and asking her to get back to him when she feels better.

 

Personally, assuming I really liked him, I would appreciate that much more than an impersonal text message.

 

Again, just me...she may prefer the text. Hard to know at this point.

[Gary S]

Yeah, Gary. What if they get farther down the road? If he calls her now to check on her, he'll probably be one to hold her hair back when she's throwing up and make her chicken noodle soup

 

- That you for that wonderful thought, lol

 

At this stage, they are just casual friends with the hots for each other - at least on his end. He can call her if he wants - I would wait a week. Maybe she'll even call/text him first.

 

But calls alone might not be enough - he has to see her once a week minimum for best results, otherwise her interest will probably wane... this is what I meant when I said they will loose momentum. Love is kind of fragile, especially in the beginning.

 

I would not hang all my hopes on one lady who is unavailable. Would be a good time to talk to other ladies too.

[Redhead14]

- That you for that wonderful thought, lol

 

At this stage, they are just casual friends with the hots for each other - at least on his end. He can call her if he wants - I would wait a week. Maybe she'll even call/text him first.

 

But calls alone might not be enough - he has to see her once a week minimum for best results, otherwise her interest will probably wane... this is what I meant when I said they will loose momentum. Love is kind of fragile, especially in the beginning.

 

I would not hang all my hopes on one lady who is unavailable. Would be a good time to talk to other ladies too.

 

Absolutely, he should be dating others and not focusing per se on her. We just think he should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she was sick rather than assume she's not interested. It's not very clear, so he has nothing to lose by reaching out one more time.

 

You're right, there needs to be less space in the beginning, but sometimes stuff happens. I say don't assume anything in the very beginning, find out for sure. Don't limit your dating potential by assuming things or guessing what's going on their heads or thinking about how someone else may have used a similar excuse to get out of dating someone.

 

We could do that in this case but we don't really know if she was really sick or not. The last signals he had from her were positive ones. So why assume the worst? If he didn't have any good signals from her and she did this, I might assume she was giving a brush off.

[jen1447]

I tend to agree with Gary on leaving it alone. My intuition (fwiw on a message board lol) says she's being weird.

[darkbloom]

I would text her and as her if she is feeling better. It's less intrusive than a call and you are putting the ball in her court. She could have just come back from her deathbed and forgot that she planned to reschedule with you.

 

 

I usually wait for dudes to follow up with me. And I am super flaky about texting back because I stress too much about it. So I refuse to deal with it.

[hunk]

Oh wow didn't realize this mini debate was going on in here haha.

So last night as I was in bed I opened up instagram and saw that she's posted a few pics, one of a selfie of her at work, and one of her with friends at home. So she's obviously not sick and just blew me off. I'm gonna say my intuition was right here, no other choice now obviously other than to completely drop it. Really, really weird considering we got along super well, was heaps of sexual tension etc.

 

Oh well