Is she stringing me along or are things just progressing slowly?

[XYZ52.5]

Hello there folks,

 

Thanks in advance for reading this long post. I'll try to make it as interesting as possible and look forward to your replies.

 

Question: I've started dating a girl and am wondering whether we have a shot at a real relationship or whether she's just stringing me along.

 

Hypothesis: I believe that she's, unfortunately, stringing me along BUT would really like to read the community's input - especially from female members.

 

Players:

Moi: 30, MBA, pretty good income and sorted-out life, good looking (at

least based on other female feedback - would say 8 or 9/10)

Her: 30, MBA, good income, based on my assessment semi-sorted-out

life, good looking (about 8/10)

 

Background Story:

 

About 2 years ago: I met this girl - let's call her AM. We went on 3 dates and things went "ok" - not terribly great but not bad either. We got to the kiss-close at the end of date 3 but it was not too passionate and I don't think she was feeling it too much. I asked her out on date 4 but she was noncommittal and we stopped contacting each other.

 

About 1 1/2 years ago: AM texts me out of the blue and asks me out to dance. I decline the dancing but accept a dinner date. We end up at my place and after a little coy back & forth, we end up having pretty good and long sex through 2am or so. I then walk her to her car and we part. I assume it was a typical booty call. About a week later, I ask her out again to see if it has repeat potential. Again, she's noncommittal and we stop contact.

 

About 1 year ago: I am the President of a local non-profit and organize business networking events. To boost attendance, I send a blast to all of my LinkedIn contacts about my then-current event. AM gets it and attends. We talk, we leave together, we have sex again. Once again, I give it a try to see whether this has repeat potential and we actually meet up again - unfortunately when she had her period, so no sex. At that point I wonder why she'd meet me if she can't have sex, so I ask her out again to see if she may want more. We agree on a date but she flakes pretty last minute. Needless to say, I was pretty annoyed, told her that, and aborted contact.

 

About 1/2 year ago: She sends me a congratulations message for my birthday in LinkedIn (she'd gotten a LinkedIn reminder about my Bday) and asks me out. We meet and she gives me a wine bottle as a birthday gift. I'm still a bit annoyed about her last flake, so I give her a hard time. We part, relatively amicably, but without sex.

 

About 1 month ago: I randomly came across AM's profile in LinkedIn and thought I'd drop her a message. No response. 3 weeks later, I give her a hard time for not responding. This time she responds and wants to set up a date.

 

Present Day:

 

We go on that date and AM is SUPER-FRIENDLY. In the past, she acted sorta cold and it was obvious that she was just looking for sex and nothing more. This time, however, she was beyond warm, holding hands, hugging me, telling me how good my arm felt around her, etc. and yes - we had sex again. This time, however, she stayed over the whole night and instead of leaving in a cold fashion like in the past, we actually talked, hugged, and agreed to see each other again soon.

 

Funny thing - we did actually see each other within a week and, again, she's beyond cute, nice, and warm. She tells me all sorts of super nice things akin to "let's go on a vacation together" and - while we have sex - "I love you". Needless to say, I'm more than a bit surprised but I just remain unresponsive to these arguably pretty bold advances (because given our history together, I don't trust her at all). I stay the night at her place and she drops me off my work the next day while being SUPER nice and touchy.

 

Date 3 - again, within less than a week - we hang out for an entire afternoon and I ask her what the deal is with her because she's so different. She tells me that she is now ready for a relationship but was not in the past. when I ask her what changed, she tells me all about some sort of psycho boyfriend of 2 years who became a med addict and who used to stalk her to the point of her changing her number, apartment, and filing a restraining order. Also she told me that her past story scared away 2 guys already. At that point I stop her and tell her that I don't want to hear any more about her past and ask her whether I'm 3rd in line after the 2 scared guys. She says no and that she stopped seeing those guys a while back, so I'm the only one she's hanging with now. I say ok and let the issue be. Again, we have sex at my place.

 

SIDE FACT: I have a gala event at my school in NYC and invited her to join. She said yes.

 

Date 4 (sorta) - we agree to meet after work and leave the time open since I have to study for a huge exam and since she has a long day at work after pulling an all-nighter. We agree for her to call me when she's ready and come over to my place so that I can max. out my time studying. At about 8:30pm she texts saying that she overslept and apologized. When I ask her whether that means that she's flaking, she calls and gives me all sorts of excuses about her being tired, etc. While she did offer to still come over, I was turned off at that point and let her be.

 

Interim Conversation #1 - a few days later after my tests are over (did pretty well fortunately), I think about her flaking on me and call her out on it basically telling her that despite all of the nice things that she told me, she's not acting as if she's really into me but much more as if I were her rebound guy. She says I'm not to which I tell her point-blank that:

a. I have been with girls in the past who were into me and let's just say that when a girl is into a guy, she let's him know it via frequent texts, initiating conversations and dates, and via making time for him

b. Her actions do not indicate that she's really into me

c. I don't have time to waste on a rebound or temporary sex, so if this is either for her, I'd like her to tell me and cut me loose so I don;t waste my time

She again tells me that she's for real BUT that she has been super accommodating and all over guys she's liked in the past and that every time that has blown up in her face. Therefore, she's not about to do that again (i.e., she won't chase and I'll have to do all the first steps). Also, she said that we're not BF/GF yet and that she's not about to explain herself to me (which she proceeded to do anyway, though...). I didn't really like.

 

Interim Conversation #2 - A classmate (another girl that likes me and is giving me much clearer "green lights") asked me out for the school gala, so I accepted that and told AM that I'd go with the other girl instead. AM didn't like that, so I call her and we talk. We both agree to feel each other out more and we plan to see each other again in a few days.

 

Date 5 - She makes time during the following week to see me and we decide to meet at her place at 8 because it is very close to the train station and I had to leave for NYC on a super-early 4am train. So I'd stay over until then and leave from her place. At 7:45, I'm running late due to work and she texts me saying that she was at a networking event close to me and that she can come over and pick me up. I'm surprised (pleasantly) and say yes. She comes over and waits for me to get ready. When we meet, she is dressed in a killer black dress and black heels and she gives me a hyper-passionate kiss in my lobby (to the point where I'm like - people are looking...). However, she then turns all cold again while we take the cab to her place and I have to reach out and grab her hand, which she doesn't refuse. We chat, go buy a nice shirt for me to wear for my meeting on the next day (she helps me pick it out), and then go to her place. When we go up, she starts telling me all about her job (she works with NASA), showing me books signed by some key people at the agency, etc. - she's basically showing off and selling herself to me. She also tells me that she just bought the killer black dress and had it delivered the same day and wore it just for me. We then go get food and she decides to pay for it and cook for me. We then have sex again (very good, long sex...) and she tells me how amazing I am, how satisfied she is, and how enamored she is with me since our first kiss on that day in my lobby. When 4am rolls around and I have to leave, she gets up and gives me a sandwich for the trip.

 

RED FLAG: During sex, she tells me that I had misheard and that she had told me that she "loved my d-ick" and not that she "loved me". She then backpedaled in the same sentence and told me that she likes me very very much. Odd, I thought...

 

NOW: She had told me that she'll be a friends' birthday parties all weekend and since I had stuff to do that's fine. I text her to see if she'll have time to see a movie with me next week and she said she'd get back to me (reminiscent of her past flaky behavior but since we both have busy schedules, I gave her the benefit of the doubt).

 

SUMMARY: Overall, given our history and her flakiness over the past 2 years, I'm very mistrusting of this girl. Also, she claims to be into me but is not giving me the clear "green lights" that I'm used to from other girls.

 

So - QUESTION: Is she just toying with me for sex and on/off companionship or is she actually for real this time and just very, very careful given her past blown-up relationships and my very careful approach to her?

 

Thanks for reading and for your input!

[losangelena]

First of all, and with all due respect, because I know that sometimes we feel like we just have to include every detail—Jeebus, this could not have been a longer post if you tried.

 

Secondly, after having read all of this, I have no idea how YOU feel about the situation you're in, this girl in particular, and what you want from her. What do you like about this girl? What keeps you sticking around after all of her hot/cold behavior and flakiness? You describe yourself as an "8," have an advanced degree, and are in a good place financially. I'm sure you could have your pick of women, so what is it about this one that you keep going back to? Is she extraordinarily hot or something? Does she give good head? Or have an amazing personality? Do you feel emotionally attached to her? What is your relationship life like during those times she's not around?

 

I know you're asking about whether or not she's toying with you or just being cautious. Who cares? If I were you, I'd think long and hard about whether or not her behavior, whatever its cause, is acceptable to you, and make your next move based on your decision. In the end, WHY she's doing what she's doing is less important than how it makes you feel. If you feel emasculated, shoved aside, low priority, etc., then cut this girl off and find one who makes you feel valued and appreciated.

[XYZ52.5]

First of all, and with all due respect, because I know that sometimes we feel like we just have to include every detail—Jeebus, this could not have been a longer post if you tried.

 

Secondly, after having read all of this, I have no idea how YOU feel about the situation you're in, this girl in particular, and what you want from her. What do you like about this girl? What keeps you sticking around after all of her hot/cold behavior and flakiness? You describe yourself as an "8," have an advanced degree, and are in a good place financially. I'm sure you could have your pick of women, so what is it about this one that you keep going back to? Is she extraordinarily hot or something? Does she give good head? Or have an amazing personality? Do you feel emotionally attached to her? What is your relationship life like during those times she's not around?

 

I know you're asking about whether or not she's toying with you or just being cautious. Who cares? If I were you, I'd think long and hard about whether or not her behavior, whatever its cause, is acceptable to you, and make your next move based on your decision. In the end, WHY she's doing what she's doing is less important than how it makes you feel. If you feel emasculated, shoved aside, low priority, etc., then cut this girl off and find one who makes you feel valued and appreciated.

 

Haha - fair point. First time ever posting in an online forum, so I thought I'd be as exhaustive as possible to max. my chances for good advice.

 

Thanks for your response though.

 

You are correct with your assessment - as I mentioned, I have a female classmate already "lined up" for the lack of a better term (I don't mean this in a crude way - just want to get across that you're right and that I do have options).

 

AM is interesting to me because of the peculiar way we got to this point. She's pretty hot and good in bed but with all due respect - there's more than that for a guy once he passes the age of 26 or 27 - at least in my case

 

I guess I do want to care about this one and I feel nice when I'm with her which is why I'm spending the time on here typing about her. As for how I feel - a bit annoyed by the flakiness and the hot/cold nonsense to be honest but I do fully understand how busy life can get (especially since mine is stretched very thin between a full-time job and an Exec. MBA...).

 

Anyway - as you can imagine, I'm at a stage in my life where I do not want to waste time on useless flings. Had plenty of those and am looking for something real now. So, since I can see myself liking this girl, I would like your guys' take on whether it's worth my time hanging in there or whether she'll most likely never change, just use me for the time being, and never become real GF and potentially wife material.

 

That's the real question here.

 

PS: Thanks for checking into my feelings but I'm actually pretty stable emotionally and know what I want - and as far as AM is concerned, I like her and would like to like her more - IF the time and emotional investment has any hopes of success, that is.

[Natalie8]

Despite of the detailed history account you gave im finding it hard to give advice. It is possible that her head is not sorted and has moments when she wants this to work, and those times she is warm, receptive etc. ( if she said "i love you" it would be a red flag though).

You being so mistrusting is not a good basis either ( although your concerns are valid). If it's worth it despite the frustration then keep trying to see if she becames more predictable. Maybe she will if she sees you stick around but maybe she will carry on with the hot and cold nonsense.

[GemmaUK]

AM is interesting to me because of the peculiar way we got to this point.

 

 

As for how I feel - a bit annoyed by the flakiness and the hot/cold nonsense to be honest but I do fully understand how busy life can get (especially since mine is stretched very thin between a full-time job and an Exec. MBA...).

 

 

The above two contradict each other so I think you might want to make your mind up on which it really is for you.

Either you are intrigued by her or you think she is flaky.

 

You say you have called her out several times on flakiness. She has also told you she had a rough with someone who stalked her and she got a RO against so she is going to be understandably pretty wary of a man if he shows signs of any controlling behaviours - not saying that you have any - but she doesn't really know you all that well so she will be taking things a day at a time especially if her previous RS really was as bad as it sounds.

[road]

Calling out is just a nice way to say getting in her face. You do not get into a woman's face that you want to have a relationship. So much for being so (not) together.

 

 

Then she said she wants to be chased, she has encouraged you to chase her. Your turn to say you are chasing her. Ask her how she would like to be chased. Then say she gives off signs she is not all that into you and that makes you want to stop chasing her.

 

 

Tell how you liked her effort to get the dress and other things she has done. Tell her how she is keeping you at arms length.

 

 

People confuse having reached 30, having MoreBaloneyA's and PiledHighandDeeps, high paying jobs, with being mature.

 

 

Did you notice I said tell as in talking not calling out?

 

 

A girl as you described her I would of said after the first great sex I want an exclusive relationship, long term. if she said no that would of been the last time I would have seen her. I do not play games. That is the problem with the "youts" of today. To busy posturing instead of being honest.

 

 

You have no one to blame for this going on for all of these years.

[XYZ52.5]

Despite of the detailed history account you gave im finding it hard to give advice. It is possible that her head is not sorted and has moments when she wants this to work, and those times she is warm, receptive etc. ( if she said "i love you" it would be a red flag though).

You being so mistrusting is not a good basis either ( although your concerns are valid). If it's worth it despite the frustration then keep trying to see if she becames more predictable. Maybe she will if she sees you stick around but maybe she will carry on with the hot and cold nonsense.

 

Yup - same thoughts here. I guess it's a question of how risk averse I am because continuing on like this could essentially blow up in my face.

[XYZ52.5]

The above two contradict each other so I think you might want to make your mind up on which it really is for you.

Either you are intrigued by her or you think she is flaky.

 

You say you have called her out several times on flakiness. She has also told you she had a rough with someone who stalked her and she got a RO against so she is going to be understandably pretty wary of a man if he shows signs of any controlling behaviours - not saying that you have any - but she doesn't really know you all that well so she will be taking things a day at a time especially if her previous RS really was as bad as it sounds.

 

Fair point regarding her past RS, though I actually think that we slept with each other on/off because she was either cheating on her then BF of our sleep-overs coincided with little breaks that they took in their RS.

 

Neither is good, I know.

 

As for the potential contradiction - what I meant is that her flakiness and non-committal attitude annoys me but that I'm also intrigued that I'm sorta seriously pursuing a girl who used to treat me (and of whom I used to think) as a piece of meat.

 

To be perfectly honest, I think I'm attracted to some parts of her - her looks, the sex, the nice feeling that I have when we cuddle, etc.

 

At the same time, however, I do also realize that we don't have diddly in common (she's sorta religious while I'm not, our interests are vastly different, etc.) and that her non-committal attitude and flaky hot/cold behavior are clear signs indicating that this has NO long-term potential.

 

So I guess I'm being an immature idiot who's giving this girl a hard time because I'd like her to be what she's not.

 

Fun times...not. Just my emotional side ****ing with me, I guess. But then again, what do I know - apparently not too much.

[XYZ52.5]

Calling out is just a nice way to say getting in her face. You do not get into a woman's face that you want to have a relationship. So much for being so (not) together.

 

- Nah. I brought it up during a call and we had a civilized conversation. When I say I called her out on it, I meant to say that I told her that I don't like it - it's not like I went all berserk - relax there...

 

 

Then she said she wants to be chased, she has encouraged you to chase her. Your turn to say you are chasing her. Ask her how she would like to be chased. Then say she gives off signs she is not all that into you and that makes you want to stop chasing her.

 

- Done all of that. Her response was that she will not change to show clear signs of giving in to my advances (besides sex...) because she will never "accommodate a guy again". Figures...

 

 

Tell how you liked her effort to get the dress and other things she has done. Tell her how she is keeping you at arms length.

 

- Done and done

 

 

People confuse having reached 30, having MoreBaloneyA's and PiledHighandDeeps, high paying jobs, with being mature.

 

- yeah, sure, define mature - in my opinion, it is knowing exactly what you want and clearly communicating it to see whether the other side can deliver

 

 

Did you notice I said tell as in talking not calling out?

 

- Aye, I did

 

A girl as you described her I would of said after the first great sex I want an exclusive relationship, long term. if she said no that would of been the last time I would have seen her. I do not play games. That is the problem with the "youts" of today. To busy posturing instead of being honest.

 

- Well, the first great sex came out of nowhere after she had disappeared the first time, so I was really surprised by her coming back out of the blue. Pardon me for not sealing the deal right there and then

 

You have no one to blame for this going on for all of these years.

 

- I'm not blaming anyone. I'm asking for your opinion regarding any potential future chances of this going somewhere, though, I guess I've already sort of answered my own question here

[smackie9]

All this has happened over a course of what 5 years? and still nothing solid has come of it....when are you going to give up? I hope it's now.

 

 

**my theory is-She's bored with whomever she is seeing and is using you as an escape. Temporarily seeking attention.

[losangelena]

Haha - fair point. First time ever posting in an online forum, so I thought I'd be as exhaustive as possible to max. my chances for good advice.

 

Thanks for your response though.

 

You are correct with your assessment - as I mentioned, I have a female classmate already "lined up" for the lack of a better term (I don't mean this in a crude way - just want to get across that you're right and that I do have options).

 

AM is interesting to me because of the peculiar way we got to this point. She's pretty hot and good in bed but with all due respect - there's more than that for a guy once he passes the age of 26 or 27 - at least in my case

 

I guess I do want to care about this one and I feel nice when I'm with her which is why I'm spending the time on here typing about her. As for how I feel - a bit annoyed by the flakiness and the hot/cold nonsense to be honest but I do fully understand how busy life can get (especially since mine is stretched very thin between a full-time job and an Exec. MBA...).

 

Anyway - as you can imagine, I'm at a stage in my life where I do not want to waste time on useless flings. Had plenty of those and am looking for something real now. So, since I can see myself liking this girl, I would like your guys' take on whether it's worth my time hanging in there or whether she'll most likely never change, just use me for the time being, and never become real GF and potentially wife material.

 

That's the real question here.

 

PS: Thanks for checking into my feelings but I'm actually pretty stable emotionally and know what I want - and as far as AM is concerned, I like her and would like to like her more - IF the time and emotional investment has any hopes of success, that is.

 

I personally think you could better. She probably won't change, you're right. The only thing you could do is tell her what you want, vis-a-vis her, see what she says, and go from there. At least where she is right now, she doesn't seem ready to settle down.

[XYZ52.5]

All this has happened over a course of what 5 years? and still nothing solid has come of it....when are you going to give up? I hope it's now.

 

 

**my theory is-She's bored with whomever she is seeing and is using you as an escape. Temporarily seeking attention.

 

Possible. But then again, who knows.

 

You strike me as someone who always imagines the worst - you're essentially saying that she's cheating on that other guy with me

 

Again - possible. Nothing would surprise me anymore.

 

PS: 2 years, not 5 - let's not exaggerate any more than needed

[barcode88]

If you have to ask this question op you probably lack self esteem. Things should progress how you want them to, you shouldn't be settling for someone who is a maybe.

[XYZ52.5]

If you have to ask this question op you probably lack self esteem. Things should progress how you want them to, you shouldn't be settling for someone who is a maybe.

 

Do I? Maybe I do but that's not the point here.

 

I'm trying to figure out a girl's behavior to see whether it makes sense to invest any further - what about that indicates a lack of self esteem - the fact that I don't just drop her and say next?

 

Possibly - but again, this was not my question. I'm looking for more info about her behavior.

[XYZ52.5]

One more question for you guys - if I give this girl the benefit of the doubt (since I've sent pretty mixed signals too), should I chase a bit - i.e., keep making the first moves and so on?

 

I'm thinking that I should just give it a go and even if it leads nowhere, at least I will then be able to close this chapter without any regrets regarding "what could have been".

 

Buuuuut, I'm open to input.

 

Anyway, am I really the only one who's had a long-term on/off thing evolve into what may be a serious RS? I can't believe that...