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Am I delusional or is she using me?


TunaInTheBrine

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TunaInTheBrine

There is a woman I have been seeing for a month from OLD that I have posted about here a few times. I am starting to wonder if I was deluding myself this whole time that she was interested in me and is really just using me for sex when she wants it.

 

We have seen each other 5 or 6 times at this point. I have initiated all of the phone calls and meetings, except for 1 on her part after I had went silent for a few days. I don't really experience her as wanting to get to know me on a deeper level or showing signs of emotional caring for me. She does bang me often and never does she spend the night, despite my suggesting it a few times now. My life is way busier than hers, but somehow she seems way less available. Her weekends are always full because she says she is hanging with friends and coworkers. She did say I was the first man she slept with in almost two years, so I don't think she is easy or having sex with other men (but then again, I can't say that with full certainty). She usually comes up with an excuse for why she can't hang out (she actually calls it 'hanging out') if I invite her away from my home and for an adventure in the city or something. But she'll usually find time to come over for a few hours once a week, drink a little wine and bang me, and then leave.

 

I feel like many women start to show stronger signs of attachment and investment around this stage of dating, but I have not experienced this yet. She doesn't go out of her way to make room for me, avoids sleepovers, doesn't really ask me about my personal life/past, doesn't allude to the future, rarely touches base with me, etc... Something about her seems very self-interested and not thinking about me, is the only way I know how to put it.

 

I don't want to be needy here, and I've been keeping myself in check in terms of how often I call this woman/push harder romantically so I am not coming off to her as overly eager. But I have definitely showed my interest in making this more than a hookup situation, calling her a few times just to talk and laugh, making sure I didn't have sex with her one time we got together but was still very affectionate with her, asking more about her life/past, etc... It is getting to the point now though where it has been a month and I don't see any increase of investment or interest on her end. I don't want to keep this up if she is just going to be using me for sex, and I am starting to worry that is exactly my situation.

 

Do you think she is using me or am I just overthinking this? How should I handle this?

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
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fitnessfan365

Well in all fairness, this is a girl you've only known for a month that you've had a handful of dates with. Maybe she needs longer to get emotionally invested. My advice would be to just keep making plans, having fun, and hooking up. Allow her some room to be independent and stop trying to force things.

 

If she's still acting the same way after 3-4 months, then you can re-examine things. But for now, it seems like you're trying to rush the process a bit.

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TunaInTheBrine

Man, this place is confusing. In past threads I was told to show my interest more and not treat it so casually or else I'd risk losing her, and now I hear to be more casual and take it slower. Is it suddenly unreasonable that after a month my feelings start to increase more for someone and I expect to see something similar in her? I'm not asking to meet her family or be on facebook friends list. I just want to know I'm not a piece of meat to this woman and am feeling like that is all I am.

 

I feel like if this were a woman writing this, I might be told to move or something.

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fitnessfan365
Man, this place is confusing. In past threads I was told to show my interest more and not treat it so casually or else I'd risk losing her, and now I hear to be more casual and take it slower. Is it suddenly unreasonable that after a month my feelings start to increase more for someone and I expect to see something similar in her? I'm not asking to meet her family or be on facebook friends list. I just want to know I'm not a piece of meat to this woman and am feeling like that is all I am.

 

I feel like if this were a woman writing this, I might be told to move or something.

 

Actually, I've always been an advocate for going slower and taking your time. I mean when you think about it, one month and a handful of dates really isn't that much in the grand scheme of things. I mean I could see your side more if she was acting this way after months of dating. But you haven't known her that long. So maybe she just needs longer to open up.

 

Plus, since you've only seen her a handful of times over a month, she might be playing her options too which she has a right to do. You two aren't exclusive.

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TunaInTheBrine
Actually, I've always been an advocate for going slower and taking your time. I mean when you think about it, one month and a handful of dates really isn't that much in the grand scheme of things. I mean I could see your side more if she was acting this way after months of dating. But you haven't known her that long. So maybe she just needs longer to open up.

 

Plus, since you've only seen her a handful of times over a month, she might be playing her options too which she has a right to do. You two aren't exclusive.

 

No, it is not much in the grand scheme of things, but at this point I do expect to see some reciprocity. If you are going to be so intimate as to be having sex with someone for a month, why not sleep over? Why not offer a different day to meet if you are busy? Why not ask me more about my life/history? And why is it so 'rushing' when the other person (me) thinks these things would be helpful? So, I'm just supposed to keep on screwing this girl and acting like I don't care? I mean, how narcissistic of our culture. Seriously.

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BlackOpsZombieGirl
Man, this place is confusing. In past threads I was told to show my interest more and not treat it so casually or else I'd risk losing her, and now I hear to be more casual and take it slower. Is it suddenly unreasonable that after a month my feelings start to increase more for someone and I expect to see something similar in her? I'm not asking to meet her family or be on facebook friends list. I just want to know I'm not a piece of meat to this woman and am feeling like that is all I am.

 

I feel like if this were a woman writing this, I might be told to move or something.

 

It's actually refreshing to see a guy who feels this way and who wants more out of a relationship (or "datingship") than just to be used for sex. Why don't you just sit down with her and tell her what you told us? Ask her if she's interested in taking things further with you, if she's developing ANY emotional feelings for you or if she just wants to do a FWB type of situation? Even though it's only been a month, it's perfectly natural for you (and for anyone) to wonder what the other person's intentions are for the near future.

 

If she's truly into you and is developing feelings for you (albeit slowly), then she'll UNDERSTAND *why* you're asking her these questions and she'll answer them in a polite, caring and understanding way. If she balks at your questions and is snarky or defensive with her answers, then I'd take that as a Warning Sign, OP. You have a right to know what her intentions are and if this "datingship" is, in fact, heading in the exclusivity direction or if it's NOT, she should be HONEST with you and TELL you what you want to know.

 

If she's vague with her response to your questions, defensive or wishy-washy, it'll then be YOUR choice to either stick with her and keep having sex with her to see which direction this "datingship" will go - or to end things with her and tell her that you're looking to eventually get into a committed relationship and that you're not interested in just having mindless and emotionless sex with her or with anyone. Time is precious, OP. Don't waste yours if you find out (or get a feeling) that this woman is NOT a match for you and is NOT on the same page you are with regard to having a more meaningful relationship than just a FWB situation.

 

 

 

 

 

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TunaInTheBrine

Thanks, BlackOpsZombieGirl. That's exactly it. I don't want to just waste months and months only to learn this was a FWB arrangement in her eyes. I do ultimately want a relationship with someone, and I have no problem getting a date, so if she is just going on a pogo stick ride here then I want to know so I can peace out, save myself a weekend of sad music, and find someone on the same page as me.

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fitnessfan365
No, it is not much in the grand scheme of things, but at this point I do expect to see some reciprocity. If you are going to be so intimate as to be having sex with someone for a month, why not sleep over? Why not offer a different day to meet if you are busy? Why not ask me more about my life/history? And why is it so 'rushing' when the other person (me) thinks these things would be helpful? So, I'm just supposed to keep on screwing this girl and acting like I don't care? I mean, how narcissistic of our culture. Seriously.

 

I can see your point with not offering a different day as well as her not taking a bit more interest in your life. Those can be early warning signs. But when it comes to sleep over privileges, I never have a woman sleep over until we're actually a couple. A buddy of mine does the same thing with women he dates too. So not everyone may want to actually "sleep" with someone right away.

 

BTW - I never claimed that you shouldn't care. I'm just suggesting that you manage your expectations a bit more. Even though you may be more invested, want a sleep over, etc she may not be there yet. So it's equally narcissistic to try and force your interest level onto someone else.

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TunaInTheBrine
I can see your point with not offering a different day as well as her not taking a bit more interest in your life. Those can be early warning signs. But when it comes to sleep over privileges, I never have a woman sleep over until we're actually a couple. A buddy of mine does the same thing with women he dates too. So not everyone may want to actually "sleep" with someone right away.

 

BTW - I never claimed that you shouldn't care. I'm just suggesting that you manage your expectations a bit more. Even though you may be more invested, want a sleep over, etc she may not be there yet. So it's equally narcissistic to try and force your interest level onto someone else.

 

Where do you get the impression I'm trying to force something onto her here? I have been playing cool and came here to figure out how to handle this situation so I don't have to look stupid when I bring it up to her. Sorry, I don't find your advice of avoiding the elephant in the room and to wait several more months without saying anything about what all of this is like to me to be helpful, nor your calling me a narcissist.

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fitnessfan365
Where do you get the impression I'm trying to force something onto her here? I have been playing cool and came here to figure out how to handle this situation so I don't have to look stupid when I bring it up to her. Sorry, I don't find your advice of avoiding the elephant in the room and to wait several more months without saying anything about what all of this is like to me to be helpful, nor your calling me a narcissist.

 

1) You brought up the term narcissistic.

 

2) I never said to wait several months. I said that I could see cause for more concern if it had been months. There's a difference.

 

But the bottom line is that no one can tell you what to do. You have to make a choice. Either voice your concerns and walk if she can't give you what you want, or try being patient for another few months and see if she comes around naturally. However, since it seems like you're getting impatient with the situation, you should probably just go with you gut and talk to her.

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So what is it about her that makes you want to take the relationship to the next level? If i felt that someone didn't seem to care for me emotionally, I doubt I'd feel like doing that. Does she have something worthy of you investing in?

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La.Primavera

You said she isn't interested in getting to know you as a person and that she never stays the night after you have sex. That seems consistent with FWB or even someone who is cheating on their partner with you.

 

The good news is this can be easily resolved by talking to her. It isn't needy to ask the question, it's perfectly reasonable so you know if it's worth investing your time and energy on her.

 

Good luck.

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TunaInTheBrine
So what is it about her that makes you want to take the relationship to the next level? If i felt that someone didn't seem to care for me emotionally, I doubt I'd feel like doing that. Does she have something worthy of you investing in?

 

I think I'm attracted to her based on a combination of looks, personality, and similar culture/family backgrounds. But I do experience her more and more as not very emotionally healthy or relationship oriented based on her behavior toward me. She's actually pretty screwed up, I think. I'd probably be better off if I cut my losses and joined an online dating site that took LTR's seriously.

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SingleDude

Dated someone just like what the OP is describing. Tell her what you feel and if she doesn't like it, dump her.

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TunaInTheBrine
Have you checked to be sure she's not married?

 

Definitely not married.

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TunaInTheBrine
You said she isn't interested in getting to know you as a person and that she never stays the night after you have sex. That seems consistent with FWB or even someone who is cheating on their partner with you.

 

The good news is this can be easily resolved by talking to her. It isn't needy to ask the question, it's perfectly reasonable so you know if it's worth investing your time and energy on her.

 

Good luck.

 

I'm certain she does not have a boyfriend, but since she is regularly active on her online profile, I'm sure she is going on dates (and so also possibly sleeping) with other men.

 

I probably should talk with her. I think my gut tells me I'm just a fling to her. Strange, this seems to happen to me a lot (women using me for sex). Don't know why I'm not seen as a good long-term partner because I definitely am.

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pleasedtomeetyou

Seems to me like you would like a proper relationship, but she is after some casual (at least with you).

 

I can't see this going well. You both have different goals and they are not compatible. This is only going to work if you are fine with being her casual partner, but it doesn't sound like it based on your posts.

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If it doesn't feel right then it's not. Stop wasting your time and move on.

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McLovin8484

To be honest everyone on here has conflicting opinions, some say end it & move on, some say take it more slowly and give it more time etc which just makes it more difficult for you but then again it's interesting to see how people go about these things.

 

This girl has obviously had some impact on you, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about her. So in my opinion, I would arrange a meet up with her, dinner or whatever you guys do etc and just ask her straight up what shes looking for here?

 

To me thats the only way you're going to know for sure where you stand, when you're there face to face with her or even over the phone just ask. Then you'll have a clear idea whether you're waiting your time or not here.

 

Up to you though mate, just ask yourself what you really want from this first then go from there!

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TunaInTheBrine

This girl has obviously had some impact on you, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about her. So in my opinion, I would arrange a meet up with her, dinner or whatever you guys do etc and just ask her straight up what shes looking for here?

What has really had the impact on me emotionally is the feeling of being used for sex. I'm not expecting a commitment or labeling us as a couple this soon, but I would like to see signs of indication that this is the direction we're moving. I know I have put those signals out there (calling, making plans, arranging dates, good conversation, etc...). She is not reciprocating, and really, not even being honest with me that this is just a hookup to her (if that is what it is to her). I get pissed when I think I may have wasted a month of my time getting used for sex with someone who had no intentions of pushing things further and ignored the signs I was putting out there just so she could get some. I really hope it isn't true, but actions speak louder than words, right?

 

I haven't seen her in a week, and my last contact to her was through text a couple of days ago to see if our 'maybe' plans were on for Saturday. She said she was seeing friends. Even though they were supposed to end in the early evening, I guess that changed for her at some point and she decided she wouldn't see me at all that night. I didn't bother responding to her text and I haven't heard from her since. I think I'm just going to stop talking to/chasing her at this point and if she is interested then she'll contact me. If not, it's really her loss.

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She obviously isn't prioritizing you to the top of her list.

 

You seem to want more than she is willing to give.

 

It looks like you two aren't a good match - so find a better match.

 

Next time take it slow. You willingly had sex with her - what she does with that isn't aligned with your goals now.

 

Don't do sex so soon next go around. Get to know the person thoroughly before the sex if you expect a woman to appreciate you for all your good qualities.

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Look at the writing on the wall. She has other guys in the picture and is playing the field. She isn't romantically interested in you because you are a needy guy and you move too fast. What's the rush dude... I don't understand your thinking. You are in direct competition with other men for this girl yet you think you're owed reciprocity beyond the fact that she is, you know, letting you have sex with her. That's a huge pain in the ass for you, isn't it. To have sex with a good-looking woman and not have to deal with any of the baggage every other guy out there is dealing with. Man she owes you so much.

 

Use her the exact same way. Never pay for a meal, never ask her to be your gf or do anything beyond have sex with you, when you feel like it, then get the hell away from you. You need to be asking yourself what has she done exactly to deserve a serious conversation with you or for you to allow her to be your girlfriend.

 

Meanwhile start looking around for a much more conservative and emotionally dependent woman to date long term. This will up your chances with this particular girl 1 billion percent (non-needy guys with options=attractive) while simultaneously allowing you to find a more compatible girl.

Edited by chantos
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lil_missy

Definitely seems like she is not looking for more than a booty call here and there with you, otherwise she would be doing more with you.

 

She prob doesn't see a future with you for whatever reason, your lifestyle don't mesh, she's embarrassed of you for some reason, Don't wanna intro to her friends, etc. then you just become fbuddies

 

I'd say you gut feeling she's only in it for sex is correct.Since you are looking for more you should move on. One month is long enough for someone to know their intention with you.

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La.Primavera

If you think most of the girls you date are just using you for sex then I suggest you wait longer to have sex.

 

Actually go on dates that involve getting to know each other, just don't go beyond making out until you are sure you are both interested in each other romantically, not just physically.

 

Be upfront about it. Any woman who doesn't respect that is only after one thing and you can rule them out anyway so at least you won't waste another month like you did on this girl.

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