What is dating like in your 30s and 40s

[confusedmandi]

Divorced and new to dating. In early 30s but I seem to be attracted to men that are ten or more years older than me. Maybe because my ex was my age and immature. Anyway I haven't dated since my early twenties and wow things have changed! Maybe because of tinder and online dating? I don't use either unless u count Facebook and I don't go looking for dates I just talk to ppl. My recent history is this. Commented on guys pic of his kids on fb. We had been fb friends for years. I used to work with his brother but I'd never met this guy. He struck up a conversation that was very normal and we talked about getting to know u stuff for eight hours straight texting. Talked the next two days and by the fourth day this guy was flirting with me telling me in a joking manner how much lotion he goes thru.. Pleasuring himself. It was funny but kind of shocking that he would share that even if it was to make me laugh. I flirted back and less than a day later he was basically inviting me to have sex with him. We went to dinner and slept together after the 2nd date. Turned out he had a gf.

 

Next guy I knew from work. He immediately wanted to talk about sex which I shut down. Went to dinner and a movie. Second date we watched a dvd at my place. I made it clear no sex. This wasb4 our date. He was very forceful trying to kiss me offering to give me oral and not wanting anything in return. I declined and ended up asking him to leave. He just wouldn't keep his hands off me. Next guy really didn't have any aggressive moves which was nice and I like him but he's non committal. Another guy and I went to dinner and again I was very clear I wasn't going to sleep with him and he kept holding my hand playing with my hair and doing things that were kind of intimate but not sexual. When I went to kiss him bye he practically attacked me kissing me kissing my neck grabbing my ass and acting like we were going to have sex on my porch lol.

 

What ever happened to getting to know each other and having fun? It's like guys expect sex on the first date

[PegNosePete]

Some guys expect it, others don't. Just like some women want it on the first date too. There are all sorts of different people in the world.

 

If he talks about sex before even meeting, or very early on, don't just shut it down and carry on dating him. Don't see him again! Decent guys who are looking for a genuine relationship do not do this. He showed his intentions right from the start but you ignored them, and were surprised he kept on trying?

[Toodaloo]

Dating when you are older quite frankly sucks like a dyson.

 

There is a heck of a lot of dross out there (both men and women I hasten to add!), then you have to go through a load of great guys to find the ones who are compatible with you... Then if your lucky they may fancy you back...

 

Be warned and be prepared. But what the heck the end result is worth it when you get there.

 

Red flags

 

1. Talking about sex and or commitment too soon

2. Any forms of aggression

3. Any men who are recently single (will make you a rebound)

4. Be very wary of people who are not yet divorced and just separated

5. Any forms of drug or alcohol abuse or inappropriate use

 

My advice is that if at any point you feel uncomfortable just walk away. Go out, meet people and have some fun. Enjoy life for a bit and look after yourself!

[Michelle ma Belle]

Oh my goodness...this sounds almost identical to my initial cannonball into the dating pool at 40 after being married for 20 years!!!

 

This is so very typical I'm afraid. The good news is that we've all been here at some point. Eventually, with enough dates under your belt you'll learn how to play the "game" better and better as you encounter every type of guy. You'll also learn more about yourself specifically what you want and especially what you don't want. That's the good bit about this whole experience.

 

Since the birth of the wacky world wide web and the availability of instant gratification, it would seem that it has created little me-monsters running around without chaperons saying and doing things that might be seen as inappropriate. It's just how OLD seems to be anymore regardless of age.

 

All you can do is learn from your mistakes, be forever discerning, hold yourself to a higher standard and always...always have a sense of humor about the whole experience since this can and will get the better of you if you don't.

 

Good luck!

[Mrlonelyone]

While I have not been divorced or married I know one good thing about dating in your 30's and up. It is much more likely that you and whoever you date know who they are, what they want to do in life, and where they want to do it.

 

All of those things which are kinda up in the air in your 20's have settled in your 30's.

 

The only thing left for you to settle, for a while at least, is who your mate will be.

 

 

The biggest difference I have noted is how many people are married or practically married. It is really hard to find a decent, compatible, unmarried 30 something to date. In your 20's all you have to do is be in the same places doing the same things as interest you and there will be dozens of single people your age, not in your 30's.

 

As the others have said beware of people who are married and looking to play a little. They usually aren't obvious about that.

[planb1973]

Dating for me in my 40's has been a whirlwind. I hear from women I date how the pool of men leaves not much to be desired, and as a man I find lots of damaged women. But there are good ones out there. I have always been more traditional and had a desire to move slow, but OP, its not just the men out there who are sexually aggressive. I have always told myself to wait X many dates before becoming sexual so I can get to know the woman better, however I cant remember the last time I made it out of date #2 without the woman asking me to come back to her place for some late night fun, their idea for the record.

 

Hang in there. Pay attention to red flags and be patient. It sounds like you have your head screwed on well, you will find a good one.

[smackie9]

The difference is "communication" of expectations is important.....no beating around the bush so to speak. If you don't have the same expectations then why bother with a second date or third date. When you are in your 30/40's you are past the "maybe it will get better with time".

[fitnessfan365]

No offense, but a lot of guys will take "dvd at my place" as code for sex. I mean I know you have been out of the dating game for awhile, but you're acting extremely naive IMO.

 

If you don't want to have sex that early on, keep the dates in public.

[joseb]

No offense, but a lot of guys will take "dvd at my place" as code for sex. I mean I know you have been out of the dating game for awhile, but you're acting extremely naive IMO.

 

If you don't want to have sex that early on, keep the dates in public.

 

Yip, I was about to write the same thing.

[SingleDude]

 

What ever happened to getting to know each other and having fun? It's like guys expect sex on the first date

 

That's funny. I'm 40 and was dating a girl who was 29 and she was sending the nude selfies and thinking relationship last. I think you have it backwards.

[confusedmandi]

That's funny. I'm 40 and was dating a girl who was 29 and she was sending the nude selfies and thinking relationship last. I think you have it backwards.

 

Well maybe that's y guys I meet expect sex very quickly cuz alot of women nowadays want the same. I've had sex with two men recently and both alot older and one was on the 2nd date and the other was after maybe four dates. So I'm not a prude but I don't want to sleep with someone the first time we meet. To me unless u want a one night stand that is crazy and creates false intimacy. And as far as avoiding all men who talk about sex before u meet.. Sadly that is all the guys I've met or talked to!! I know the cone back to my place to watch a dvd seems like it could be misconstrued but I told him ahead of time I was not interested in anything physical at this point so he should have gotten the message not attacked me on my couch

[PegNosePete]

And as far as avoiding all men who talk about sex before u meet.. Sadly that is all the guys I've met or talked to!!

Then talk to more.

 

If there's only rotten apples left on the shelf, you don't buy a rotten apple, you go to another shop.

[Redhead14]

Divorced and new to dating. In early 30s but I seem to be attracted to men that are ten or more years older than me. Maybe because my ex was my age and immature. Anyway I haven't dated since my early twenties and wow things have changed! Maybe because of tinder and online dating? I don't use either unless u count Facebook and I don't go looking for dates I just talk to ppl. My recent history is this. Commented on guys pic of his kids on fb. We had been fb friends for years. I used to work with his brother but I'd never met this guy. He struck up a conversation that was very normal and we talked about getting to know u stuff for eight hours straight texting. Talked the next two days and by the fourth day this guy was flirting with me telling me in a joking manner how much lotion he goes thru.. Pleasuring himself. It was funny but kind of shocking that he would share that even if it was to make me laugh. I flirted back and less than a day later he was basically inviting me to have sex with him. We went to dinner and slept together after the 2nd date. Turned out he had a gf.

 

Next guy I knew from work. He immediately wanted to talk about sex which I shut down. Went to dinner and a movie. Second date we watched a dvd at my place. I made it clear no sex. This wasb4 our date. He was very forceful trying to kiss me offering to give me oral and not wanting anything in return. I declined and ended up asking him to leave. He just wouldn't keep his hands off me. Next guy really didn't have any aggressive moves which was nice and I like him but he's non committal. Another guy and I went to dinner and again I was very clear I wasn't going to sleep with him and he kept holding my hand playing with my hair and doing things that were kind of intimate but not sexual. When I went to kiss him bye he practically attacked me kissing me kissing my neck grabbing my ass and acting like we were going to have sex on my porch lol.

 

What ever happened to getting to know each other and having fun? It's like guys expect sex on the first date

 

It has nothing to do with age. Men are more wired for sex. I don't think they expect sex on a first date, but they know there are women who will do it on a first date. So they try and hope luck is on their side. Plain and simple. The guys who respect the fact that a woman wants to wait, will try and then back off and continue to pursue the woman because usually they are looking for a more serious relationship. The guys that don't back off, just want sex PERIOD.

[AVarma]

I know the cone back to my place to watch a dvd seems like it could be misconstrued but I told him ahead of time I was not interested in anything physical at this point so he should have gotten the message not attacked me on my couch

 

It's a bit different if you told him beforehand you wanted to wait before getting physical. Then again some guys think that no secretly means yes. Don't ask me why they just do.

 

Anyway all this makes me a little nervous. I always thought I'd wait a bit before having sex since I've never done it before. It's crazy that there might be pressure to do it early.

[Moy]

 

Since the birth of the wacky world wide web and the availability of instant gratification, it would seem that it has created little me-monsters running around without chaperons saying and doing things that might be seen as inappropriate. It's just how OLD seems to be anymore regardless of age.

 

 

This, over and over again.

[fitnessfan365]

Think about it this way.

 

Most men are wired to see women as a sexual object in the beginning. However, when a woman is comfortable with her sexuality, his state of mind ****s to who a woman is as a person. What makes a guy think about sex 10x more though is when a woman acts reluctant on the subject. When I've been with women who loved sex and talking about it, it would come up less and less over time. It was just there in the background like it should be.

 

Don't get me wrong. Talking about sex non stop would be boring. However, some of these women act like they're in high school protecting their virginity. In the end, we're all adults now. So I think it's perfectly fine to make sex one of many topics of conversation in the beginning.

[SmartDude]

Dating in the late 30's early 40's:

 

1)Women scrambling to find a man, any man, to have kids with.

 

2)Men who were denied sex and love by women who were their own age in their 20's now avoiding women their own age and dating 10 years younger.

 

 

BTW this is not a philosophy of mine but just an observation of people in my specific geographic location.

[DoesntGetIt]

As others have said it sucks, I'm in my 30s and dating again and it hasn't been fun.

 

 

Also it isn't just guys that are moving faster for sex in this age bracket, women are too. I think once you're in your 30's and dating, most of the people in that range expect sex to happen within a couple of dates, and it does tend to work that way.

 

 

What's the point of putting it off if both people are interested in it? And what does it matter if you have sex with someone and the relationship/dating ends up not working out? It is just sex, it doesn't mean anything to have it, and it is fun to have.

[sharp9]

As others have said it sucks, I'm in my 30s and dating again and it hasn't been fun.

 

 

Also it isn't just guys that are moving faster for sex in this age bracket, women are too. I think once you're in your 30's and dating, most of the people in that range expect sex to happen within a couple of dates, and it does tend to work that way.

 

 

What's the point of putting it off if both people are interested in it? And what does it matter if you have sex with someone and the relationship/dating ends up not working out? It is just sex, it doesn't mean anything to have it, and it is fun to have.

 

Bingo. Sex isn't a huge deal. Either be a person who gets married young as a virgin and only has sex with one person in their life. Or have some fun with your life. Not everyone you have sex with has to be your lifelong partner. If you aren't having sex within the first month then going join a fricking covenant and quit wasting peoples time. And before anybody jumps on me I'm not saying you need to have sex on the first or second date. Sex is fun, enjoy you're life.

[Maleficent]

No offense, but a lot of guys will take "dvd at my place" as code for sex. I mean I know you have been out of the dating game for awhile, but you're acting extremely naive IMO.

 

If you don't want to have sex that early on, keep the dates in public.

 

Sure. And "dvd at my place btw no sex" should shut that code down pretty damn quickly don't you think?

[Emilia]

Think about it this way.

 

Most men are wired to see women as a sexual object in the beginning. However, when a woman is comfortable with her sexuality, his state of mind ****s to who a woman is as a person. What makes a guy think about sex 10x more though is when a woman acts reluctant on the subject. When I've been with women who loved sex and talking about it, it would come up less and less over time. It was just there in the background like it should be.

 

Don't get me wrong. Talking about sex non stop would be boring. However, some of these women act like they're in high school protecting their virginity. In the end, we're all adults now. So I think it's perfectly fine to make sex one of many topics of conversation in the beginning.

Agree with this. It can work both ways too as I don't feel comfortable with prudish or conservative men. We are adults and sex is something that many adults enjoy. It's important to find out compatibility early on.

 

I think the difference in your 30s and 40s is that you are expected to be more robust when it comes to your needs and wants. You are expected to speak your mind more, to be more confident, not to be so coy. I see men roll their eyes at coyness at this age, if that's what they wanted, they would be after 20 somethings, not women their own age.

 

Just a few more months OP and you'll feel more comfortable, you will give off a different vibe too. Men who want to exploit you will avoid you, they usually go for the submissive, insecure types.

[ToOldForThis]

As a man in his 50’d I have dated and dealt with all the variables that come with age and relationships. As much I enjoy sex I also have the patience to wait if the woman is someone I am truly interested in. I have gone on 3 plus dates without even kissing the woman. In fact, many times postponing this has allowed the woman to feel safer and understand that I am serious about getting to know them slowly. It also creates sexual tension, curiosity and usually when sex does happed it is more connected since we have gotten to know each other a bit more. Why is it that we can go weeks or even months without sex but when we finally have a date, we need sex that night? No self-control.

 

To me, there is nothing more disgusting than a man groping a woman who says “no”. The “no means yes” is the child’s play of men in there 20’s and even 30’ds. As adults, giving off mixed signals is a sign of immaturity. So clearly if a guy is thinking that way, he is still stuck in a high school mentality. If you are looking for a relationship, sex will unfold at a pace that allows you both to feel comfortable. I also think that talking about sex on a first date is just odd. You don’t even know the person yet. With the millions of topics to discuss on a date, why would sex need to be one of them? I do agree that inviting a man over to watch a movie could give off mixed signal even when you said “no sex” I would stay away from any place that has a bed if you truly want to get to know someone. At least for a few dates. Again, why put yourself in a situation where you are alone and the man feels he has been set up for a possibility of “scoring”

 

These days of instant gratification have pushed everyone into moving faster than ever before. Coffee drive through, express check out lines, 15 second TV commercials (they use to be 60 seconds) texting and porn everywhere. All things that move us though life quicker then ever.

 

I would say that your male radar needs some fine tuning. It will be your body language, the way you dress, your conversations that will slow a man down and allow him to also read you better without ever needing to say “no sex” If a man holds your hand or touches your hair on the first date and it makes you uncomfortable, let him know that with your actions rather than words.

 

Dating in general just sucks. It takes a lot of effort and time to do it. So I applaud you for trying. Keep on practicing and eventually the right guy will show up across from you and the sex part will unfold at the perfect pace for both of you.

[Buddhist]

Welcome to the waste of time which is now called romance. It's part of the reason why I just don't bother with it at all.

[Moy]

What happened to the days of second date - first kiss and then you just enjoy each other's company, can't wait to see each other again and first sleep together after about a month?

[road]

Dating in the late 30's early 40's:

 

1)Women scrambling to find a man, any man, to have kids with.

 

2)Men who were denied sex and love by women who were their own age in their 20's now avoiding women their own age and dating 10 years younger.

 

 

BTW this is not a philosophy of mine but just an observation of people in my specific geographic location.

 

 

 

 

No does not matter how many times they got denied sex.

 

 

For men like their women like their cars. Newer and low mileage. Hence the 40 yo man wants the 30 yo woman.