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Hello!

I have an issue, there was this professor who taught me for one semester and we became great friends.

During the last semester of college he was not my immediate professor but was teaching in the same department of which I am a student.

The medium of our communication is Texting. The texting goes on till the wee hours of the morning, however the content of those texts is never really cheap or hinting towards anything more than friends. They are mostly random conversations about family, Tv shows, movies, and life in general, basically from anything to everything.I love chatting with him because he is a very funny guy and seems to be a chilled out person. He is in a relationship since 4 years or so., but he talks about everything in life and mentions details about his family but never discusses the girlfriend with me.

Even if i don't text him, he makes it a point to text me something or the other everyday and that happens mostly during the night.

I like him a lot as a friend and enjoy his company, i am not sure if i have a crush on him or not, however recently he asked me for lunch. I am really confused, i just want to know, is it normal for teachers and students to have this level of interaction? and now, i will be graduating soon that's why he asked me for lunch and also spoke about how different and special i am to him than other students.

The age difference between us is about 6 years.

I really don't know what to do. please help!!!

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PegNosePete

He has a girlfriend? If so, steer clear unless you like major drama.

 

If you were to become his girlfriend, understand that he would be texting other girls until the wee hours of the morning and inviting them to lunch. Would you be OK with this?

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elaine567
i will be graduating soon that's why he asked me for lunch and also spoke about how different and special i am to him than the other students.

 

NO professor is texting his students in the wee small hours of the morning because he just enjoys their company, or he sees them as a friend. He wants into your knickers.

Do not think you are "special", he may do this to every student he feels he may have a chance of sex with.

He is basically abusing his position of power, and you are falling for it.

 

He has a long term gf, back off, do not lower yourself to his cheating ways.

 

You will only get hurt here.

See how "special" you feel, when as his gf, he is texting young students in the middle of the night and telling them how "special" they are...

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Well, the thing is, he could have hinted about the romance or sex long before or somewhere in the conversations. He never does that, it's been almost a year and never has he made an offensive remark. I personally don't feel he's interested in me, infact on certain occasions very rare though he sounded very loveable towards his girlfriend and I always respect that.

I just want to know if a friendship could work between us? At the end of the day he he's an ex professor only. I'm not sure about my feelings but they aren't obsessive, of that I'm sure. I've known about his girlfriend and I've always spoken to him like a friend only and never have I flirted or shown my interest. And maybe it was infatuation while in class but it's not there anymore..

But I have genuinely started to care for him I don't know if I should consider him as a good friend. It's just an awkward set up, or if I should go for the lunch at all!

Edited by Caskette
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d0nnivain

I was friendly with a number of my professors & still socialize with some.

 

While I think the texting until all hours is a bit odd, I would have pleasant social conversations about movies, current events & other issues of the day with many. I see no problem sharing a meal with a professor, especially if that person is no longer giving you a grade for anything.

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tell him to come back single, do not be a side piece, i had one who came back single

 

save your best, til then have lunch, look great but set boundaries

 

atmo, you have no way of telling if he has done this to other students, or if he is in love with you

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He is in a relationship since 4 years or so., but

 

But nothing.

 

Leave him alone. He's got a girlfriend.

 

If you were his 4+year girlfriend, would you like him texting you all hours of the day and night? I don't think you would.

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fitnessfan365

Don't know. It seems off. On one hand, you're saying he never flirts and just sticks with regular conversation. But if he just wanted to be friendly and catch up, it would probably be a handful of texts every so often. Not hours and hours until the wee morning regularly. It's almost as if he's using you for emotional intimacy.

 

Then he's setting up a lunch during the day when he's supposed to be working. This comes off like he wants to sneak around.

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Well, the thing is, he could have hinted about the romance or sex long before or somewhere in the conversations. He never does that, it's been almost a year and never has he made an offensive remark. I personally don't feel he's interested in me, infact on certain occasions very rare though he sounded very loveable towards his girlfriend and I always respect that.

 

If you really respected that, you would have discouraged him from texting you by blocking him. You have not done that; therefore, you do not respect anything.

 

I just want to know if a friendship could work between us?

 

No, because he doesn't want friendship with you. He's cultivating a sexual relationship with you by slowly luring you in with "friendship". And it's working--otherwise, this thread wouldn't be here with you wondering what's going on, etc.

 

At the end of the day he he's an ex professor only. I'm not sure about my feelings but they aren't obsessive, of that I'm sure. I've known about his girlfriend and I've always spoken to him like a friend only and never have I flirted or shown my interest. And maybe it was infatuation while in class but it's not there anymore..

But I have genuinely started to care for him I don't know if I should consider him as a good friend. It's just an awkward set up, or if I should go for the lunch at all!

 

At the end of the day, he's an unavailable man in a 4+ year relationship who is trying to lure you into deceiving his girlfriend with him under the guise of "friendship". If you want to be his friend, then you must also be her friend, too. She gets invited to any lunch or dinner or drinks plans you two make: otherwise this is exactly what this is: you two hatching a plan to disrespect her behind her back.

 

If you dont' want none, then don't start none. He needs to go, you need to graduate and get out and meet some available men who don't have obligations they're already in.

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Caskette, from a position of someone "burned" badly from a similar situation: RUN. As fast as you can.

 

He is likely not even interested in sex / romance. But he DOES crave your attention. I bet on that.

 

My "professor" transitioned from constant e-mails, calls on the weekends, lunches daily, dinner with his parents!, to... (passive to active) aggressive behavior later on, when our communication was not anymore necessary for him. He NEVER crossed any physical borderline, nevertheless, the whole thing caused me emotional trauma long term, and steered me away from science.

 

Could not be the case for you, but ideally, I advice you yo limit this "friendship" to healthy terms - i.e. minimal while you're still in the university with him... This is at best a power play.

 

 

 

Well, the thing is, he could have hinted about the romance or sex long before or somewhere in the conversations. He never does that, it's been almost a year and never has he made an offensive remark. I personally don't feel he's interested in me, infact on certain occasions very rare though he sounded very loveable towards his girlfriend and I always respect that.

I just want to know if a friendship could work between us? At the end of the day he he's an ex professor only. I'm not sure about my feelings but they aren't obsessive, of that I'm sure. I've known about his girlfriend and I've always spoken to him like a friend only and never have I flirted or shown my interest. And maybe it was infatuation while in class but it's not there anymore..

But I have genuinely started to care for him I don't know if I should consider him as a good friend. It's just an awkward set up, or if I should go for the lunch at all!

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coryreply

How do you feel about your interactions with him morally? Do you feel there is anything wrong or unbecoming about texting a professor late into the night?

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Meh, some guys are just really talkative and friendly. Generally you're not gonna talk for a whole year without things getting sexual even once. I can't fathom taking that long to start seducing a woman. Unthinkable.

 

Is he a good-looking dude? Do a lot of other girls find him attractive? Does he have other female student friends he hangs out with? All that stuff will help you figure out what's going on.

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No no no no no no no. There is nothing right about this, and this Prof is a stupid cheating loser who will probably end up losing his employment if he keeps this up.

 

It is NOT normal for Profs to invite students for one-on-one lunches, especially if it's prearranged and not a 'Oh, look at the time, let's grab something with the rest of your group in the cafeteria' thing.

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Hello!

I have an issue, there was this professor who taught me for one semester and we became great friends.

During the last semester of college he was not my immediate professor but was teaching in the same department of which I am a student.

The medium of our communication is Texting. The texting goes on till the wee hours of the morning, however the content of those texts is never really cheap or hinting towards anything more than friends. They are mostly random conversations about family, Tv shows, movies, and life in general, basically from anything to everything.I love chatting with him because he is a very funny guy and seems to be a chilled out person. He is in a relationship since 4 years or so., but he talks about everything in life and mentions details about his family but never discusses the girlfriend with me.

Even if i don't text him, he makes it a point to text me something or the other everyday and that happens mostly during the night.

I like him a lot as a friend and enjoy his company, i am not sure if i have a crush on him or not, however recently he asked me for lunch. I am really confused, i just want to know, is it normal for teachers and students to have this level of interaction? and now, i will be graduating soon that's why he asked me for lunch and also spoke about how different and special i am to him than other students.

The age difference between us is about 6 years.

I really don't know what to do. please help!!!

 

Are you a graduate student or an undergrad?

 

I'm a graduate student and while I am a lot friendlier with some of my profs, especially younger ones, than when I was an undergrad, it's nothing like that. We certainly don't text until wee hours of the morning. We may have drinks with other students or coffee or lunch or something and discuss non-school stuff but not text all night and such. That's a bit bizarre.

 

He may like you as more than a student/friend, but if he has a gf I would not allow myself to get caught up in an affair with him. If you're an undergrad esp or if you are still in his department (even as a grad student) it also wouldn't be a good look to be romantically involved.

Edited by MissBee
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But nothing.

 

Leave him alone. He's got a girlfriend.

 

If you were his 4+year girlfriend, would you like him texting you all hours of the day and night? I don't think you would.

 

The way he's participating is not nice!

 

Not nice to his GF and not nice to you!

 

And some men (predators) groom their prey for years or decades even - to get what they want.

 

Stop thinking he's so innocent - he's not.

 

I think lunch or any meeting is a bad idea.

 

You feed his fat ego! That's what this is! If you really want to date an available man then stop all communication with him. He's taking up space that could be useful for a man you would find interesting and available.

 

He's using you - but only because you keep participating.

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Firstly, thank you for all the responses!

 

Well, I'm a grad student and he does not talk to any other student the way he does to me. That I know for sure( reliable sources )

And yes, he is attractive.

However, he's also a woman activist and swears to protect the dignity of a woman and personally has spoken to me about how he feels when people from his fraternity ill treat or misbehave with girls. Hence, it's difficult to see him as a sleazeball trying to do the same thing with me, He seems genuine enough to practice what he preaches.

The thing is, he still hasn't stopped texting me, I postponed the lunch to another month citing some issues, however he has been more than welcoming to communicate with me on various random things.I'd be lying if I say I don't get a good feeling when he does so, he's like the joy and entertainment part of my life. But yet again, I'm sceptical of this situation and of how deeply am I falling into this, I have never given him the hint that he has a chance with me nor has he remarked anything related to that.

Is it normal for friends( in this fixture, if I can call him that now)to text continuously and not have feelings and remain friends without anyone getting hurt?

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You can see that this is inappropriate.

 

When you stop responding - he will get the hint.

 

It's very unkind to keep doing this knowing he has a GF.

 

You can't change what he does - but you can change how you participate.

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And yes, he is attractive.

 

I'd be lying if I say I don't get a good feeling when he does so, he's like the joy and entertainment part of my life.

 

I really like it how girls write line after line and then slip in the one or two that actually matter. Such an interesting way to think.

 

Here's the deal: he's attracted to you or else this wouldn't be happening. At the same time he's a respectable enough guy not to flat out sexualize everything and hunt you down. However, he's not a respectable enough guy to refrain from crossing the line with a student while he has a girlfriend. So he's no good, but it takes a couple layers to realize he's no good. He's just getting a psychological kick out of talking to you all the time. Kind of a fantasy, the same way you're kind of psuedo-fantasizing about him by continuing this back and forth text nonsense that will never go anywhere.

 

You need to either totally cut things off (at which point he will stop talking to you because let's face it, there's no spark for him if you make it clear there's no chance with you), or you can seduce the guy, which will make him leave his girlfriend for you, whereupon you end up with a guy who has already directly shown you that he talks to other girls behind his girlfriend's back.

 

I'd take my first option personally. A guy who's hitting on you when he has a gf will hit on other girls when your the gf. If you're cool with that be my guest.

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However, he's also a woman activist and swears to protect the dignity of a woman and personally has spoken to me about how he feels when people from his fraternity ill treat or misbehave with girls. Hence, it's difficult to see him as a sleazeball trying to do the same thing with me, He seems genuine enough to practice what he preaches.

 

How quaint. So how is he, in the middle of the night texting you, protecting the dignity of his own woman? You know, the one he's been in a 4+ year relationship with? It looks to me like he's not giving a isht about her dignity and feelings. It's difficult to see him as a sleazeball because you're lonely and you don't want him to be the cheating, manipulating sleazeball that he is. But that's exactly what he is. He is more of a "do as I say, not as I do" kind of person. Meaning: he doesn't practice what he preaches, otherwise, he wouldn't be texting you all hours of the night.

 

The thing is, he still hasn't stopped texting me, I postponed the lunch to another month citing some issues, however he has been more than welcoming to communicate with me on various random things.

 

That is because he is grooming you to become his affair partner and you're falling for it, because as you say next:

I'd be lying if I say I don't get a good feeling when he does so, he's like the joy and entertainment part of my life. But yet again, I'm sceptical of this situation and of how deeply am I falling into this, I have never given him the hint that he has a chance with me nor has he remarked anything related to that.

 

Yes you have. Every time you answer his text, every time you make plans to meet him outside of the academic arena for non academic reasons, you are giving him a boat load of hints that he's got a chance with you. You've given him one more month of string along instead of saying "you know, it's great you're a woman's activist and all, but I don't feel comfortable with the level of communication we've got, seeing that you are in a committed relationship. We need to dial this back to just discussing what is germane to my course work", you're giggling and thinking it's cool that a cute professor is chasing you. Your protestations to the contrary really carry no weight.

 

Is it normal for friends( in this fixture, if I can call him that now)to text continuously and not have feelings and remain friends without anyone getting hurt?

 

You two aren't friends. You are a student that a professor is trying to lure into a sexual affair.

 

The person who is going to get hurt is his girlfriend and she doesn't deserve this level of contempt from either of you.

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You know the answer of your last question. It is NOT normal.

 

Again, I believe it is very unlikely that he'll proceed to anything sexual. In the end, he has a gf to take care for this, I know this sound harsh but it's a fact.

 

You're his ego booster. He feeds on the fact that you owe him, and consider your communication joy and entertainment.

 

Very likely scenario: he'll withdraw all of a sudden (when a new... object comes into play), if you're not ok with that better stop your communication (pls excuse my preaching, I know it is hard, this type of people have charisma...)

 

Firstly, thank you for all the responses!

 

Well, I'm a grad student and he does not talk to any other student the way he does to me. That I know for sure( reliable sources )

And yes, he is attractive.

However, he's also a woman activist and swears to protect the dignity of a woman and personally has spoken to me about how he feels when people from his fraternity ill treat or misbehave with girls. Hence, it's difficult to see him as a sleazeball trying to do the same thing with me, He seems genuine enough to practice what he preaches.

The thing is, he still hasn't stopped texting me, I postponed the lunch to another month citing some issues, however he has been more than welcoming to communicate with me on various random things.I'd be lying if I say I don't get a good feeling when he does so, he's like the joy and entertainment part of my life. But yet again, I'm sceptical of this situation and of how deeply am I falling into this, I have never given him the hint that he has a chance with me nor has he remarked anything related to that.

Is it normal for friends( in this fixture, if I can call him that now)to text continuously and not have feelings and remain friends without anyone getting hurt?

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Firstly, thank you for all the responses!

 

Well, I'm a grad student and he does not talk to any other student the way he does to me. That I know for sure( reliable sources )

And yes, he is attractive.

However, he's also a woman activist and swears to protect the dignity of a woman and personally has spoken to me about how he feels when people from his fraternity ill treat or misbehave with girls. Hence, it's difficult to see him as a sleazeball trying to do the same thing with me, He seems genuine enough to practice what he preaches.

The thing is, he still hasn't stopped texting me, I postponed the lunch to another month citing some issues, however he has been more than welcoming to communicate with me on various random things.I'd be lying if I say I don't get a good feeling when he does so, he's like the joy and entertainment part of my life. But yet again, I'm sceptical of this situation and of how deeply am I falling into this, I have never given him the hint that he has a chance with me nor has he remarked anything related to that.

Is it normal for friends( in this fixture, if I can call him that now)to text continuously and not have feelings and remain friends without anyone getting hurt?

 

I think you already know the answer.

 

You wouldn't be here asking for advice if this was all normal.

 

Outside of him being your professor he also has a girlfriend, so woman's activist or not, how he's behaving with you is disrespectful to his relationship.

 

If you feel skeptical, go with that feeling.

 

You could still text if you don't want to just cut it off randomly, but after a certain point at night I'd limit it. Frankly, I do NOT text any of my friends, guys or girls, all day all night. Sorry. You usually do this with a significant other esp in the early phase. Normal friends might text a few times a dya about something specific but not everyday you text your platonic friend all day until early morning and you certainly don't see it as the highlight of your day unless it's romantic.

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I would think that his Gf is already being hurt by his actions (and yours) - she just doesn't know it yet.

 

Consider how you would feel if you were her.

 

Act on that thought.

 

What is best considering those circumstances?

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ExpatInItaly

You need to cut it out. He isn't single. Stop making excuses for him and for yourself. It's not appropriate, full-stop.

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