Thermals Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) I’m in my mid-thirties. She is in her early thirties. We met a week ago and we hit it off immediately and made out on the first date. She gave me lots of compliments, too. I did the same. On day 2 she texted me and said she had a fun night. On day 3, we went on a second date. I was being the gentleman that I am; I was opening doors for her and being nice and gentle. We ended up having sex that evening. But instead of giving her the ride of her life in bed, I was making love to her. And, it didn’t go as well as I had hoped anyway. I was both tired from a lack of sleep the night before and had alcohol on an empty stomach. Let’s just say there was no lift off. At some point during sex she even said, "You're being too gentle." Neither one of us finished. After ‘sex’, her mood changed. She was a bit irritated and extremely distant. I slept the night over, but in the morning there was still a lot of tension and distance. I tried to be playful and flirtatious, but it didn't help much. Later that day -- day 4 -- she texted me and said that she wasn’t ready to start dating again and that she had just ended a long-term relationship. I wrote back saying I felt insulted. She wrote that she does not want me to feel insulted and that I was her first date in 2 months since the last long-term relationship ended. I wrote that I was moving on and wished her luck. She wrote back and said she hopes I find what I'm looking for. That was one week ago and I haven't been in contact since. Was the awkward sex the culprit that killed this relationship prematurely or should I take her at her word? At this point, is there any chance of salvaging something out of all this? Edited April 28, 2015 by Thermals Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Your inability to perform could have turned her off maybe, the timing seems to suggest that. I don't think you can salvage things at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Yes.It is possible it is the sex. I once had it happened to me. The guy's penis is just too small and I had no intention to see him again after. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thermals Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 What if I contacted her in a week or so and asked her if she would like to meet up for coffee and see how things go from there? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Was the awkward sex the culprit that killed this relationship prematurely or should I take her at her word? At this point, is there any chance of salvaging something out of all this? It probably was the awkward sex, yeah. At least, I can say conclusively that it's never the "not ready to start dating again" line. She was on a date with you, but she's not ready to start dating? That's just a platitude designed to give her a quick way out um I mean 'spare your feelings.' Try not to worry about it. If all she was really looking for was to get bashed, is she really relationship material? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thermals Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Try not to worry about it. If all she was really looking for was to get bashed, is she really relationship material? Perhaps not. Still, I had fun hanging out with her and enjoyed her company. I really thought we connected, but I wouldn't mind a friend with benefits. At least for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Perhaps not. Still, I had fun hanging out with her and enjoyed her company. I wouldn't mind a friend with benefits. I don't think its a good idea to contact her again. Unless you don't mind feeling "insulted" again Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Was the awkward sex the culprit that killed this relationship prematurely or should I take her at her word? Probably. Not what you want to hear but it's what you're suspecting and I doubt any posts to the contrary will convince you otherwise. You were there, you experienced it and the fall out the next day. Whatever your assumption here is, it's probably more correct than anything randoms on the internet are going to tell you. Doesn't mean anything negative about you though. Sometimes two people just suck in bed and no-one can really know that until they try. Although I do have to admit that the first time with any guy is always awkward and never usually much good anyway so I'm kind of baffled as to why she would be upset over it. It's maybe triggered some insecurity of her own, and she couldn't get over it. God my last bf, it took maybe 10 or so goes before it was any good at all. He was just awkward as !@%$, but we got there in the end. At this point, is there any chance of salvaging something out of all this? Doubt it. If she comes back to you then yeah maybe. But whatever she's got going on is likely to be the real problem. Honestly if someone can't handle a bit of silly, laughable, not happening in bed then you probably don't want to be dating that. It sounds really uptight and do you want to be dating a humourless person anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 What if I contacted her in a week or so and asked her if she would like to meet up for coffee and see how things go from there? No, don't do that. She was clear. She's not interested any longer; respect her wishes. Contacting her again isn't going to help change that. Link to post Share on other sites
hunk Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Seems like she just wanted a pounding my man. Pro - tip for next time - show no mercy and go in all guns blazing the first time you sleep with a woman, first impressions are everything:lmao::lmao: Definitely don't contact her again, this one is done 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Everyone's first time together can / should be a tad aquward as learning to read a new person. You had a perfect storm for things to go bad. Learn from it suppose, just don't take it to heart. Not like you got off with a stupid smile on your face and she was waiting for things to start. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Yes.It is possible it is the sex. I once had it happened to me. The guy's penis is just too small and I had no intention to see him again after. It wasn't "possibly" the bad sex, it WAS because of the bad sex! Not to be harsh. But the sex sucked, and she got turned off. That is the chance you take when you have sex before emotions are developed. Early attraction (which is what I suspect she felt) is fleeting and can change on a dime. Bad sex will do it. Sorry, it's over. Don't contact her again, she's done. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 It wasn't "possibly" the bad sex, it WAS because of the bad sex! Not to be harsh. But the sex sucked, and she got turned off. That is the chance you take when you have sex before emotions are developed. Early attraction (which is what I suspect she felt) is fleeting and can change on a dime. Bad sex will do it. Sorry, it's over. Don't contact her again, she's done. haha..well..advice for men: unless you have a big penis or extremely good skills, don't have sex on first date. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Sorry OP - crap sex and all of a sudden she disappears? Yeah it was the sex that did it. She will not be up for a FWB either if she was left "wanting". For me sex with someone for the first time is always terrible. I just can't relax at all... I find myself forcing myself and thats no fun... Next time relax and if "he" isn't playing ball just say you want to wait a bit rather than try and make a total hash of it. Don't worry - happens to us all. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I’m in my mid-thirties. She is in her early thirties. We met a week ago and we hit it off immediately and made out on the first date. She gave me lots of compliments, too. I did the same. On day 2 she texted me and said she had a fun night. On day 3, we went on a second date. I was being the gentleman that I am; I was opening doors for her and being nice and gentle. We ended up having sex that evening. But instead of giving her the ride of her life in bed, I was making love to her. And, it didn’t go as well as I had hoped anyway. I was both tired from a lack of sleep the night before and had alcohol on an empty stomach. Let’s just say there was no lift off. At some point during sex she even said, "You're being too gentle." Neither one of us finished. After ‘sex’, her mood changed. She was a bit irritated and extremely distant. I slept the night over, but in the morning there was still a lot of tension and distance. I tried to be playful and flirtatious, but it didn't help much. Later that day -- day 4 -- she texted me and said that she wasn’t ready to start dating again and that she had just ended a long-term relationship. I wrote back saying I felt insulted. She wrote that she does not want me to feel insulted and that I was her first date in 2 months since the last long-term relationship ended. I wrote that I was moving on and wished her luck. She wrote back and said she hopes I find what I'm looking for. That was one week ago and I haven't been in contact since. Was the awkward sex the culprit that killed this relationship prematurely or should I take her at her word? At this point, is there any chance of salvaging something out of all this? I'm betting that since your "performance' was off, she may have felt as if she didn't turn you on. And, she was insulted. That being said, though, that's her problem if she can't be understanding. If she dismissed you for that, you don't want her anyway. Don't bother to attempt to salvage it. There's nothing to salvage. You two weren't in a relationship. You were just two people who had met recently. It's really hard to know, for sure. But take her at her word and keep moving forward. In the end, it doesn't matter why, she just wasn't the one. And, her texting you that send off was immature. You two had been intimate, she should have called you at least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thermals Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) I just don't understand why she bothered to massage my shoulders and arms after we had sex and then went on to be nice to me. She offered me snacks and kindly brought me water to bed in the morning without me even asking her. I mean she was a bit distant after the sex, perhaps because she picked up on my awkward silence afterward which was triggered by my own embarrassment at the situation, but it felt as though there was something else there. As for her own insecurities, there was a moment in bed as we lay down to sleep. I asked her if she came and she said that I would have known had she cum. Then she added something along the lines of, "I put on makeup and a nice dress, but now the makeup is off and it doesn't matter ....." This guessing game is what bothers me the most. The, "why". Is it possible she just wanted to have a one night stand and felt guilty later on so she decided to try and be nice toward the end? It really bothers me because I haven't felt a connection with someone like I did with her in a very long time. We just seemed to have a lot in common and I enjoyed that familiarity, that commonality. I felt like I could be myself with her. Edited April 28, 2015 by Thermals Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I just don't understand why she bothered to massage my shoulders and arms after we had sex and then went on to be nice to me. She offered me snacks and kindly brought me water to bed in the morning without me even asking her.. Because we women hate to tell you guys to your face that you under performed and make you feel like utter loosers. We understand that your sexual prowess is important to you so even if your shockingly bad we will try to come up with something positive... The rubbing shoulders and being nice was trying to make you feel better before she kicked you to the kerb... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Because maybe she thought if she was nice you would get it up. Women by age 30 know that tension can kill a mans turn on. Getting you to relax a little could make a huge difference. In the future never try to make love on the first time you have sex. The first time focus on getting them off. Generally once you get someone off they will want to see more of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Even if I'm drunk/stoned I can still get it up and go to pound town - but I may not finish I can still give her a good time though. Then again I'm 26 She was definitely put off by your performance OP. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I'd take away from this that it was probably too soon to try to have sex. If you have built some affection with a person and built desire, then they're far more likely to just be relieved you're finally making love to them and feel something regardless of how it goes. But with someone you barely know, it IS all about the sex because you made it all about the sex by doing it the first date. You don't want to wait too long and you never want to NOT be just touching so it can't be misconstrued as only platonic, but you want to build some value. Women need to have some feelings about you for it to be the best it can be. True, there are some hot guys who they can enjoy just casual sex with (some women), but that's either because they're very good looking and/or just really totally confident and accommodating in bed. Those men are very few and far between. For ordinary mortals, women need to have some feelings for you. And don't ever forget that just because YOU fizzle doesn't mean you stop and fixate on that. Your best tactic when that happens is to not even mention it, and just intensify sustained foreplay using all available appendages and keep that up until she either orgasms or cries uncle. If you do that, she may not even NOTICE you fizzled. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Because we women hate to tell you guys to your face that you under performed and make you feel like utter loosers. We understand that your sexual prowess is important to you so even if your shockingly bad we will try to come up with something positive... The rubbing shoulders and being nice was trying to make you feel better before she kicked you to the kerb... It's also possible she didn't know what she felt at first until some time had passed. Link to post Share on other sites
Carm Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 It wasn't "possibly" the bad sex, it WAS because of the bad sex! Not to be harsh. But the sex sucked, and she got turned off. That is the chance you take when you have sex before emotions are developed. Early attraction (which is what I suspect she felt) is fleeting and can change on a dime. Bad sex will do it. Sorry, it's over. Don't contact her again, she's done. The first time I did it with my bf was a disaster....we had so many dates before we actually had sex and so I was emotionally attached to him. No reason, it's just my style, I don't jump into bed unless I feel an emotional pull toward them. As Katie said early attraction is fleeting and if you only have the physical then this can happen. I'm glad I hung in there because it's amazing now. First date sex can be awkward. There's so much pressure on the man to perform. It's too late to salvage this with her. Do not contact her, you will be feel worse about what happened. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 You didn't take the time to get to know this person. Instead, you got physical right away. Any one can do that, its not something to be proud of. Unskilled people do that often these days and then they wonder why they suffer. After sex, two people need something else to do with each other. There is a lot of time in the day when your not having sex. What are you going to do with that time? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) I just don't understand why she bothered to massage my shoulders and arms after we had sex and then went on to be nice to me. She offered me snacks and kindly brought me water to bed in the morning without me even asking her. I mean she was a bit distant after the sex, perhaps because she picked up on my awkward silence afterward which was triggered by my own embarrassment at the situation, but it felt as though there was something else there. As for her own insecurities, there was a moment in bed as we lay down to sleep. I asked her if she came and she said that I would have known had she cum. Then she added something along the lines of, "I put on makeup and a nice dress, but now the makeup is off and it doesn't matter ....." This guessing game is what bothers me the most. The, "why". Is it possible she just wanted to have a one night stand and felt guilty later on so she decided to try and be nice toward the end? It really bothers me because I haven't felt a connection with someone like I did with her in a very long time. We just seemed to have a lot in common and I enjoyed that familiarity, that commonality. I felt like I could be myself with her. "I put on makeup and a nice dress, but now the makeup is off and it doesn't matter ....." -- That's kinda disrespectful in a way. Kinda like "I went to all this trouble for nothing". And supports my theory that she felt like she didn't turn you on enough to "perform". She has esteem/confidence issues. She was trying to boost her ego. To me it sounds like she just wanted to get laid, tried to have a one-night stand and couldn't deal with it. If she doesn't have the confidence to be able to do it and move on, she's not worth the wondering. She doesn't have her **** together. Edited April 28, 2015 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 "I put on makeup and a nice dress, but now the makeup is off and it doesn't matter ....." -- That's kinda disrespectful in a way. Kinda like "I went to all this trouble for nothing". And supports my theory that she felt like she didn't turn you on enough to "perform". She has esteem/confidence issues. She was trying to boost her ego. To me it sounds like she just wanted to get laid, tried to have a one-night stand and couldn't deal with it. If she doesn't have the confidence to be able to do it and move on, she's not worth the wondering. She doesn't have her **** together. Oh come on Red, I don't believe that. I mean, it is possible I suppose, anything is possible. IMO, it's not that complicated. She was initially attracted, had sex, it sucked, and she lost the attraction. Again, that is the risk one takes when having sex before emotions are established. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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