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Really need some here, "cheating" and partner is not sure he loves me


Fuerza

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My partner met someone at his local grocery that made him feel "special", something he didn't feel in our relationship he said. Instead of telling the girl he's in a relationship with me they kept the contact going in the grocery store for about 2 weeks. She was winking at him, giving him compliments about his hair etc. My bf ended up adding her on Facebook without her consent, he wanted to know what this feeling was that he felt for her and what it said about our relationship. As karma goes around of course, the girl ended up declining his friendship request and when he visited her in the grocery store again she said she has a boyfriend. Now he's pissed as he doesn't understand why she was playing him.

 

Anywho, the catch is he kept this hidden for me, he told me the part where he had met her (which I was like, meh people flirt it happens) but hid the fact that she had winked at him and that he tried adding her on Facebook.

 

I found this all out when I was going through his Facebook messages, where he was explaining his best friends what happened. It's the only reason why he told me I think.

 

The other issue is that he doesn't know for a fact that he loves me as a boyfriend or that it's more like love as he feels for his sister or mother. I mean, what on earth am I supposed to do with this?

 

We've been together for 4,5 years and doesn't understand why I'm mad about the girl as nothing really happened physically. He feels he did the right thing as he wanted to know what the feeling that he felt for the girl meant. Any opinions on what I'm supposed to do with this? I feel so confused I just...

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It's not her fault. He was acting like he was single. It's his fault.

 

He's got one foot out the door of the relationship. I suggest you nudge him the rest of the way through & shut the door behind him.

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Ruby Slippers

He's obviously sniffing around for someone new. If I were you, I'd leave him alone to focus on that. If he doesn't "know for a fact" that he loves you "as a boyfriend", he doesn't. This won't get better. He'll just keep looking for someone else to make him feel "special", and you'll feel less and less special as you go. He's dead weight in your life at this point. Sorry.

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You get rid of him. He's a guy with low levels of commitment to your relationship and you. If some chick in a grocery store giving him flirty banter is enough to make him seriously pursue it (and he did seriously pursue it) then what kind of relationship do you have? And then to have him confront you with it and get all pissy because you are upset?

 

Sorry to tell you but he's an attention whore and he'll do this anytime someone looks sidewise at him. Pick up your dignity and find someone who actually gives a crap about you. When he leaves for work today, put all his stuff on the street then call a locksmith. Go out for a night with your friends.

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ExpatInItaly
My partner met someone at his local grocery that made him feel "special", something he didn't feel in our relationship he said. Instead of telling the girl he's in a relationship with me they kept the contact going in the grocery store for about 2 weeks. She was winking at him, giving him compliments about his hair etc. My bf ended up adding her on Facebook without her consent, he wanted to know what this feeling was that he felt for her and what it said about our relationship. As karma goes around of course, the girl ended up declining his friendship request and when he visited her in the grocery store again she said she has a boyfriend. Now he's pissed as he doesn't understand why she was playing him.

 

Anywho, the catch is he kept this hidden for me, he told me the part where he had met her (which I was like, meh people flirt it happens) but hid the fact that she had winked at him and that he tried adding her on Facebook.

 

I found this all out when I was going through his Facebook messages, where he was explaining his best friends what happened. It's the only reason why he told me I think.

 

The other issue is that he doesn't know for a fact that he loves me as a boyfriend or that it's more like love as he feels for his sister or mother. I mean, what on earth am I supposed to do with this?

 

We've been together for 4,5 years and doesn't understand why I'm mad about the girl as nothing really happened physically. He feels he did the right thing as he wanted to know what the feeling that he felt for the girl meant. Any opinions on what I'm supposed to do with this? I feel so confused I just...

 

How are you even confused about this? He was looking for other girls. He did not do the right thing, and I hope you laughed in a face for him even suggesting that!

 

Sorry OP, but he's checked out of your relationship. It's clear he's not in love with you and doesn't respect you. If after all this time he doesn't know if he loves you, then you already know where his heart is. He doesn't. And he has the balls to be angry that she played him? And can't figure out why you're angry?Apparently your boyfriend is also a total idiot. Get rid of him. He will do it again, I guarantee it. Don't you believe you deserve someone who doesn't go scoping out other girls? What a creep.

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Yeah I think he's checked out too.

Hard when it's long term like this, but cut your losses and leave him.

 

Incidentally, why were you looking through his FB messages?

It's probably good in this case as you found out, but is that something you always do?

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dreamingoftigers

Jeepers,

 

 

so many of these idiots sound like Narcissists.

 

 

Honestly. Get out of this.

 

 

He's not treating you right.

 

 

No matter how wonderful he has been, clearly that isn't going to continue when he has as much disregard for you as he does.

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so many of these idiots sound like Narcissists.

 

Probably because they are. NPD are everywhere, and you can always tell them because they react to every small disappointment with utter outrage that things are going exactly as they desire them to; promptly followed up with bitterness towards whomever failed to instantly fulfill their expectations. There are a high number of them in my workplace and they honestly come across as petulant children. :rolleyes:

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It must make you feel so gutted because you invested 4 1/2 years, and trusted him to come to you if there was an issue......now you know he is no longer the BF you thought he was. Sadly relationships run their course and the heart grows weaker. He is checking out of the relationship.Your next move is to confront him about everything you know, and to tell him since he is trying to find someone else, you must let him go.

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He's checking out of the relationship and is now looking for another girl who will hold his hand while he does. Kick his sorry butt out the door, you don't need to wait around for him to cheat on you for real.

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My partner met someone at his local grocery that made him feel "special", something he didn't feel in our relationship he said. Instead of telling the girl he's in a relationship with me they kept the contact going in the grocery store for about 2 weeks. She was winking at him, giving him compliments about his hair etc. My bf ended up adding her on Facebook without her consent, he wanted to know what this feeling was that he felt for her and what it said about our relationship. As karma goes around of course, the girl ended up declining his friendship request and when he visited her in the grocery store again she said she has a boyfriend. Now he's pissed as he doesn't understand why she was playing him.

 

Anywho, the catch is he kept this hidden for me, he told me the part where he had met her (which I was like, meh people flirt it happens) but hid the fact that she had winked at him and that he tried adding her on Facebook.

 

I found this all out when I was going through his Facebook messages, where he was explaining his best friends what happened. It's the only reason why he told me I think.

 

The other issue is that he doesn't know for a fact that he loves me as a boyfriend or that it's more like love as he feels for his sister or mother. I mean, what on earth am I supposed to do with this?

 

We've been together for 4,5 years and doesn't understand why I'm mad about the girl as nothing really happened physically. He feels he did the right thing as he wanted to know what the feeling that he felt for the girl meant. Any opinions on what I'm supposed to do with this? I feel so confused I just...

 

If he doesn't know after 4.5 years together and you two are still just boyfriend and girlfriend? (Unless you two never intended to be married, I'd understand this). But if you want to be married and he's saying and doing what he's been doing, I'd move on. He's looking for someone else and doesn't want to cut off this relationship until he finds someone.

 

This is what I call vine swinging. He won't let go of this relationship until he finds someone else. He should be sitting down with you to talk with you to discuss what isn't working for him in the relationship if he is at all interested in maintaining it with you.

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The other issue is that he doesn't know for a fact that he loves me as a boyfriend or that it's more like love as he feels for his sister or mother. I mean, what on earth am I supposed to do with this?

 

 

 

This statement is pretty much the nail in the coffin. If you are interested in romantic love I would suggest you break up because he does not feel it for you. You deserve better after 4-1/2 years. My advice is to not waste another minute with him. If you are expecting marriage he will not propose.

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He's looking for another woman.

 

As soon as he finds one he'll be gone.

 

Unless you remind him of why he fell for this one.

 

If I were you its time to start looking after yourself. Go out and have fun with your girlfriends. It doesn't matter if you are misbehaving or not but when he asks if you had a good time don't tell him everything just yes yes or no.

 

Take time out for yourself, paint your nails, get new undies. Trust me he will notice.

 

Time to act like you are number one and stop pandering to him.

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This is one fish you throw back. I'm reading this guy as the type that likes a woman to flatter and compliment and fuss over him. While I understand that all men like a little of that (and all women too), when you have one that will jeopardize his relationship for literally 2 seconds of flattery from a stranger, you have an insecure loser on your hands. He doesn't love you because he doesn't love himself. Remember that. It's not you. It's him. He needs all that overt, frankly slutty coming from a stranger, sexual validation because he doesn't really feel that great about himself. If he can't love himself, he can't love, period. If he loved himself, he wouldn't need someone else, some stranger, to tell him he's great all the time.

 

Find yourself a man capable of love. Make a clean break from him and move on.

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Yeah I think he's checked out too.

Hard when it's long term like this, but cut your losses and leave him.

 

Incidentally, why were you looking through his FB messages?

It's probably good in this case as you found out, but is that something you always do?

 

I never do actually, he always told me he would never cheat, he loves me etc. so there never was the need to check him. But when I was telling a friend about this whole situation he said "well I found out about my ex cheating when she left her Facebook open and I saw a weird message and read it." And instantly my gut told me to check it out and that's where I saw him messaging his best friend about the whole situation. He even added a picture of the girl in the conversation and that's when I just wanted to throw up.

 

 

Would it make any difference if I told you guys we are in a LDR? Having some relationship issues? Or is, what he did just not acceptable not matter what?

 

We talked about it yesterday again and he told me he kind of still wants to contact the girl and he wants to help her out (he for some reason feels the need to help people, like pretty much everyone). He still wants to know why he felt like that towards her and he also wants to know why she suddenly is not interested in him anymore. Oh she is almost 17, he is 29.

 

And oh I actually broke up with him after I found out, it lasted a good 2 hours and he started bombarding me with messages telling me he's sorry and he doesn't want to lose me. So we're kind of back together I guess and I want to give him a second chance. Maybe he just wanted some confirmation from a girl as he was missing me? Maybe it made him feel normal? I'm not saying his behavior was okay but I'm just trying to understand it from his point of view. Trying to fix and understand this, I can't lose almost 5 years of my life to this.

 

I'm going to look up the narcissist features because there are other things going on and I feel they might fit in the NPD...

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I've looked up NPD and there are tons of "symptoms" that are much like him... I've found a test online and I'm going to let him fill it in and see what it says. Thanks to the people that enlightened me with this disorder!

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Oh she is almost 17, he is 29.

 

 

Yuk! He's got a crush on a teenager? Next him Please! So this is the type of girl he's interestd in? You will never please him.

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I've looked up NPD and there are tons of "symptoms" that are much like him... I've found a test online and I'm going to let him fill it in and see what it says. Thanks to the people that enlightened me with this disorder!

 

Do not attempt to suggest or imply that he has this disorder. First of all, if he is NP, this will enrage him and possibly cause you some other problems that don't exist now.

 

If he isn't NP, you will also cause some other issues that don't exist now.

 

This really sounds to be more like immaturity and losing interest in the relationship. I would just move on without mentioning a disorder or having him fill out online questionnaires. This is a very sensitive issue and, if he is NP, that diagnosis should be made by a qualified therapist and delivered by that therapist. There is a specific manner in which this kind of thing has to be handled.

 

If he is a narcissist and you feel he's exhibiting those kinds of behaviors and you aren't yourself feeling secure in the relationship because of those kinds of signs, you should simply move on. I can't emphasize enough the importance of not trying to confront him with any kind of diagnosis or suggesting that.

 

 

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Do not attempt to suggest or imply that he has this disorder. First of all, if he is NP, this will enrage him and possibly cause you some other problems that don't exist now.

 

If he isn't NP, you will also cause some other issues that don't exist now.

 

This really sounds to be more like immaturity and losing interest in the relationship. I would just move on without mentioning a disorder or having him fill out online questionnaires. This is a very sensitive issue and, if he is NP, that diagnosis should be made by a qualified therapist and delivered by that therapist. There is a specific manner in which this kind of thing has to be handled.

 

If he is a narcissist and you feel he's exhibiting those kinds of behaviors and you aren't yourself feeling secure in the relationship because of those kinds of signs, you should simply move on. I can't emphasize enough the importance of not trying to confront him with any kind of diagnosis or suggesting that.

 

 

 

I just gave him a list of characteristics and asked him if he agreed he had some or none. At first he said he would have about 8 out of the 25 characteristics and then he actually turned it around and said about 20 of them were me lol.

 

Anyway he admitted that he can be a narcissist, but his insecurity is playing a role too here. I'm giving him 1 more chance to prove himself, after that I'm done.

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Yuk! He's got a crush on a teenager? Next him Please! So this is the type of girl he's interestd in? You will never please him.

 

In his defense, she looked more like 21. But it surprised me as well, even after knowing her age he still wanted to pursue her. It's his best friend that stopped him.

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Ruby Slippers
I can't lose almost 5 years of my life to this.

Every experience is educational, even the bad ones. Don't lose any more of your life to a guy who obviously doesn't care about you that much.

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I just gave him a list of characteristics and asked him if he agreed he had some or none. At first he said he would have about 8 out of the 25 characteristics and then he actually turned it around and said about 20 of them were me lol.

 

Anyway he admitted that he can be a narcissist, but his insecurity is playing a role too here. I'm giving him 1 more chance to prove himself, after that I'm done.

 

Everyone who is healthy will have some narcissistic tendencies. It is OK and healthy to love oneself. However, a person who is disordered in that area, has no capacity to love another person, has no compassion and no ability to empathize with another person. They know how to make it look good on the outside, but the inside is all about them and their needs.

 

If he has the ability to understand and actually demonstrates a desire to meet your needs and does that, he is not a narcissist.

 

You said earlier that he was doing things that made you think that about him. You'll need to be very careful and observe him for some time. There is a "trick" they use called gas-lighting. And, he used it -- "he actually turned it around and said about 20 of them were me".

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This guy is really bad news. Like Aretha says, No r e s p e c t.

 

You can talk to him about it. If that does not work, it might be time for tough love. Cut off sex and see if he's ready to talk then.

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ExpatInItaly
I just gave him a list of characteristics and asked him if he agreed he had some or none. At first he said he would have about 8 out of the 25 characteristics and then he actually turned it around and said about 20 of them were me lol.

 

Anyway he admitted that he can be a narcissist, but his insecurity is playing a role too here. I'm giving him 1 more chance to prove himself, after that I'm done.

 

Yikes. Girl. Wake up. You are going to get seriously hurt. More than you already are. Don't play therapist, and try to excuse or justify his crappy treatment. It's not because he's "insecure." It's not because you're long-distance. It's because he's not in love with you and has no respect for you. It's sad, but you are in very deep denial about how wrong this all is.

 

Imagine for a moment he's not chasing a teenager. He still told you he doesn't know if he loves you.That should be enough in and of itself to call it a day. He's already gone.

 

Now add the fact that he's chasing a teenager - that is seriously disturbing. And now that he knows how old she really is and that you know what he's been up to - and he still wants to "help" her? Cut the effin' BS. He wants to bang her. And you're thinking he deserves another chance. 4.5 years of history in no way is a good reason to hang on; be grateful you discovered this now so you can move on to someone who has a shred of respect for you, because this boyfriend definitely doesn't.

 

Why are your standards and self-worth so low that you think he's a reasonable partner? He sucks. And he's a pig - an adult going after a girl.

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