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Umm if I buy a house with my roommate are we officially in a relationship?


Simgleandyoung23

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Simgleandyoung23

I have a roommate a girl who I have lived with for 5 years. We have had sexual relationship together and we live harmonious together and actually have a child together. It's kind of like we've built a familial emotional dynamiic.. The thing is she is a lesbian and has girlfriends quite often and I have my relationships with other people as well. But our home life is a lot like a couple. We've considered buying a home together. But we're not verbally in a relationship it's more a close friendship. Yet I've had many close friendships none were this close. I kind of feel like I'm in an open relationship more than anything. Anyhow opinions?

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I think it is up to you and her to define your relationship and boundaries.

 

If you are both happy in your current open situation, there's nothing wrong with it if it works.

 

You should have put all the boundaries in place already before you had a child together. And before you decided to live together. If you still don't have all the labels and rules and expectations in place, then you should definitely discuss them before buying a house.

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Simgleandyoung23
I think it is up to you and her to define your relationship and boundaries.

 

If you are both happy in your current open situation, there's nothing wrong with it if it works.

 

You should have put all the boundaries in place already before you had a child together. And before you decided to live together. If you still don't have all the labels and rules and expectations in place, then you should definitely discuss them before buying a house.

 

We started living together as strangers. I had a girlfriend at the time and she had a live in girlfriend. We became really close emotionally nothing physical. So nothing was happening until we became single. And she not getting any action with a girl so we began a sexual relationship from there. That would be on and off but our emotional side of the relationship was the same. We just grew closer and closer through our years in school. But she still had her gf and I had mine but we still had a closer relationship than friends as well. My friends always call her my girlfriend she's just like my gf but she doesn't like to see it that way. She got pregnant after school she said at first she wouldn't keep her because she didn't feel our relationship was that serious but she ended up keeping her but totally made sure the boundaries were where we were just friends. But I feel like it's more a word now than actually the state of our relationship. Now she want to us to buy a house together. I do too but I get a lot of resistance on the state of our relationship status which is confusing.

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It is up to you to define your relationship(s), but - that aside - you should have custodial documents set up for your child and, if you buy a house, a contract regarding the purchase, mortgage, responsibility, etc.

 

Doing these things "just because" and hoping they will work out in the long run is ill-advised on so many legal fronts.

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This makes it sound more like you want to be in a relationship with her, but she doesn't want the same thing.

 

If that is the case, this will probably end badly for you.

 

Only buy the house with her if you are OK with the status quo, and have no issue with her resistance to be committed to you.

 

Or - if you want to do it for your daughter so you can be a very involved father.

 

But I wouldn't be expecting monogamy from this one. It isn't what she wants from you.

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Simgleandyoung23
This makes it sound more like you want to be in a relationship with her, but she doesn't want the same thing.

 

If that is the case, this will probably end badly for you.

 

Only buy the house with her if you are OK with the status quo, and have no issue with her resistance to be committed to you.

 

Or - if you want to do it for your daughter so you can be a very involved father.

 

But I wouldn't be expecting monogamy from this one. It isn't what she wants from you.

I don't want monogamy either. We both have same sex needs so I'm totally fine with an open relationship just like I said our relationship doesn't seem like a friendship more like an open relationship. That's all. She simply insists we're just friends.

 

I just want to be honest.

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Simgleandyoung23
It is up to you to define your relationship(s), but - that aside - you should have custodial documents set up for your child and, if you buy a house, a contract regarding the purchase, mortgage, responsibility, etc.

 

Doing these things "just because" and hoping they will work out in the long run is ill-advised on so many legal fronts.

 

Yeah you're very right at least at least to have some legal precedents so this doesn't turn into too much of a disaster.

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JohnsonBaby

I m so confused about this .if you re both gay why deprive yourself of a relationship with someone you really want instead of playing family for convenience . You re friends ,yes ,live separate lives . And to bring a child into this confusing situation was not wise . I hope it works out well ,whatever you guys decide to do .

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Simgleandyoung23
I m so confused about this .if you re both gay why deprive yourself of a relationship with someone you really want instead of playing family for convenience . You re friends ,yes ,live separate lives . And to bring a child into this confusing situation was not wise . I hope it works out well ,whatever you guys decide to do .

 

I'm not gay and she says she's lesbian.but I guess some people have more fluid sexualities. I think maybe she just prefers females over males which that means she's gay to her.

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The only thing that makes you in a relationship is mutual commitment to be in a relationship. Having a kid makes you co-parents not a couple. Your legal obligations are to the kid. Buying a house makes you mutually contractually obligated to the mortgage company & gives you certain legal rights concerning the property. It does not make you a couple.

 

For your child's sake, if you are going to play at being a family, you both need to talk about what that means. What kind of message are you giving the child regarding relationships and commitment?

 

Personally until you both grow up & learn to do what's in your child's best interests, I would not enter into a legal and contractual financial arrangement with your "roommate".

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if one of you defaults on their half of the mortgage payment, the other has to pay for both of you

 

can either of you be ok with this?

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Am I the only one who is shaking the head while reading this...Got pregnant after school..I hope she was 16 or something..

I think the whole thing is weird..Lesbian, open relationship, sex, accidental pregnancy, mortgage...boundary and responsibility guys..If I were the child I wouldn't want a family like that.

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Simgleandyoung23
The only thing that makes you in a relationship is mutual commitment to be in a relationship. Having a kid makes you co-parents not a couple. Your legal obligations are to the kid. Buying a house makes you mutually contractually obligated to the mortgage company & gives you certain legal rights concerning the property. It does not make you a couple.

 

For your child's sake, if you are going to play at being a family, you both need to talk about what that means. What kind of message are you giving the child regarding relationships and commitment?

 

Personally until you both grow up & learn to do what's in your child's best interests, I would not enter into a legal and contractual financial arrangement with your "roommate".

 

We have a commitment to each and have early on since we developed such a close friendship in itself.

 

DD is 9 months old. She can't comprehend what relationship means. She just recognizes us and as mom and dad. But our relationship is irrelevent.

 

Yeah I don't feel we're ready for that considering we can't figure our own relationship status as as I feel im getting mixed signals.

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We have a commitment to each and have early on since we developed such a close friendship in itself.

 

DD is 9 months old. She can't comprehend what relationship means. She just recognizes us and as mom and dad. But our relationship is irrelevent.

 

Yeah I don't feel we're ready for that considering we can't figure our own relationship status as as I feel im getting mixed signals.

 

It's ridiculous you think your relationship is irrelevant, yeah FOR NOW. But what happens when she grows up?? What kind of messages do you want her to get?

Raising a kid is not a game

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If you buy a house with her, you are giving her permission to ruin your credit. Think long and hard about that first.

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This sounds too complicated. Don't entangle your lives anymore than they already are, or getting future partners will be difficult for you both.

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If you wish to be equal partners in the home, joint tenancy will be your legal relationship if such is allowed in your jurisdiction without marriage. If you wish to be equal or unequal partners without joint tenancy, and AFAIK such partnerships can exist in any US state, you'll take ownership as tenants in the common. In any event, buying a home together will give you a legal partnership, both in the asset and in any debt you acquire together.

 

As to the familial, if your name is listed as the father on the birth certificate, you have a familial relationship as the father and mother of the child.

 

The main thing the marriage license does is provide a whole basket of legal rights and responsibilities with one signature. You may or may not wish or require any or all of them and, as an unmarried couple, can pick and choose which ones, generally at a cost (legal fees).

 

How you feel (the love relationship, if any) is a completely separate issue, though may be impacted positively or negatively by the legal entanglements. It all depends on the people. IMO, take things one step at a time and think things through. You have a young human to consider here. Good luck!

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Mrlonelyone

1.) Listen to Carhill. I don't and I usually suffer for it.

 

2.) Yes you are in a relationship. You have lived together for five years, and have a child, and she gets to have her girlfriends and you get to have your girl friends. (You know that there are married couples who do exactly the same thing you are right.)

 

3.) Should you buy a house. Honestly I would want to ask the question of what we are before we buy a house. You are a family by DNA. You are in a relationship. ..... Would you ever consider a "civil union" instead of marriage if the M word sounds just too much like something formal?

 

Don't pressure her into any particular definition. Ask her what she thinks the relationship is as you by a hose. Houses and kids are 20 to 30 year commitments in and of themselves!

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Simgleandyoung23
If you wish to be equal partners in the home, joint tenancy will be your legal relationship if such is allowed in your jurisdiction without marriage. If you wish to be equal or unequal partners without joint tenancy, and AFAIK such partnerships can exist in any US state, you'll take ownership as tenants in the common. In any event, buying a home together will give you a legal partnership, both in the asset and in any debt you acquire together.

 

As to the familial, if your name is listed as the father on the birth certificate, you have a familial relationship as the father and mother of the child.

 

The main thing the marriage license does is provide a whole basket of legal rights and responsibilities with one signature. You may or may not wish or require any or all of them and, as an unmarried couple, can pick and choose which ones, generally at a cost (legal fees).

 

How you feel (the love relationship, if any) is a completely separate issue, though may be impacted positively or negatively by the legal entanglements. It all depends on the people. IMO, take things one step at a time and think things through. You have a young human to consider here. Good luck!

 

I looked into tenancy that's certainly something im going to do if we buy a house together it covers a lot of concerns I had.

 

And we do love each other as I said our relationship is very close unlike a close friendship.

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Simgleandyoung23
1.) Listen to Carhill. I don't and I usually suffer for it.

 

2.) Yes you are in a relationship. You have lived together for five years, and have a child, and she gets to have her girlfriends and you get to have your girl friends. (You know that there are married couples who do exactly the same thing you are right.)

 

3.) Should you buy a house. Honestly I would want to ask the question of what we are before we buy a house. You are a family by DNA. You are in a relationship. ..... Would you ever consider a "civil union" instead of marriage if the M word sounds just too much like something formal?

 

Don't pressure her into any particular definition. Ask her what she thinks the relationship is as you by a hose. Houses and kids are 20 to 30 year commitments in and of themselves!

 

We aren't in anyway near any type of union similar to a marriage. If anything my concern just would be what our relationship is honestly. That's all.

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It seems thus far you've allowed lots of things to "just happen" in unplanned and accidental ways and like you guys have never once discussed anything. I mean...when you found out she was pregnant and so on did you guys never discuss what it would mean to be parents and have you never discussed your relationship?

 

If not...now is the time to do so. You can't ask us what it means. You need to decide and she needs to be part of the conversation. If you are comfortable enough to live together for half a decade and have a child together and now even buy a home it seems weird that you can't talk about these things. I mean...my roommate and I are just roommates and we only met last year but even we had serious conversations about living together and our expectations and so on...so even more so you guys need to do this.

 

 

It is a little weird to think that performing a particular action will make it a relationship instead of your own choice and declaration that it is. You are in a relationship yes, you are parents who live together and also sleep together but as others have said you can define the boundaries of that for yourselves. I think it's time to think about that and what it means. Do you want an open relationship with her permanently and just see the same-sex on the side? Do you think you might ever want to not be with her romantically at all? Do you think you might want another partner full time and just be a co-parent with her? I think you need to sit down over dinner, or on the couch or wherever is comfortable and really hash this out before buying a house with each other. If you don't know what you are to each other and where you see the future I think adding a mortgage on top of it won't help.

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Conventional wisdom is do NOT buy things together with anyone you're not married to. One or the other of you should buy the house and the other can be the renter. You should be paying child support to her, of course, as well, whatever the court mandates. Both of you single, at some point a real problem will arise when someone wants to move someone else in they're lovers with. So do not buy a house together, because if you do, how can you possibly stop her from moving in her lover or wife and the same thing for you. It will be very very messy very very fast. Don't get your money tangled together.

 

If you want to live close to each other, the better arrangement would be for one of you to buy a duplex and the other rent the other side and then they can do whatever they want as long as they pay rent.

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Simgleandyoung23
Conventional wisdom is do NOT buy things together with anyone you're not married to. One or the other of you should buy the house and the other can be the renter. You should be paying child support to her, of course, as well, whatever the court mandates. Both of you single, at some point a real problem will arise when someone wants to move someone else in they're lovers with. So do not buy a house together, because if you do, how can you possibly stop her from moving in her lover or wife and the same thing for you. It will be very very messy very very fast. Don't get your money tangled together.

 

If you want to live close to each other, the better arrangement would be for one of you to buy a duplex and the other rent the other side and then they can do whatever they want as long as they pay rent.

I really wouldn't mind if we had a separate wife and husband we've had separate girlfriends and boyfriends live in with us before it was no big deal.

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Mrlonelyone
We aren't in anyway near any type of union similar to a marriage. If anything my concern just would be what our relationship is honestly. That's all.

 

Really... ever heard of common law marriage?

https://www.legalzoom.com/articles/fact-or-fiction-five-myths-about-common-law-marriage

 

Back in the days when settlers could not easily travel to a state capital to get a license people in your situation were considered married if they cohabited and lived as husband and wife. A house and kids is basically that.

 

Oh and openness of a rlship is no barrier to being married. People do have open marriages.

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