Rejection in dating

[ayeshau]

I posted a couple days ago asking frantically whether or not a guy was blowing me off..turns out he wasn't interested. I just got out of a terrible relationship that really broke me down, I decided I needed to date and move on, so an amazing guy came along and I put all my hope into things working out with him, I'd get over my ex, this guy would be my new boyfriend and we'd be happy forever. Totally thought I hit the jackpot. But let me tell you, realizing this guy wasn't interested after a couple dates has brought me down even lower than I already was to start with. Could anybody offer some insight right now? I started off as such a happy and confident woman, I'm trying to get back to that and I just don't know how.

[Satu]

You can't use someone as a 'medicine' to cure your ills. It doesn't work, and it's not fair to the person concerned.

 

Do your healing and then consider a new relationship.

 

Horse before the cart works best.

[Jessie1231]

The only way to handle dating, especially online dating, is to grow thicker skin. Most of the first dates won't get to second dates. And once you get to a second date there's no telling what will happen. Sometimes you won't be interested and sometimes he won't. There's no secret formula in making in work.

 

The easiest way to be successful is to be happy being alone. That way when you meet someone, you know you'll be fine whether it works out or not. When you go into dating looking for your next husband, it probably comes off as clingy.

 

Don't worry though because you get used to it. After my divorce I went into dating thinking everything would turn into a relationship, but reality slapped me in the face quickly.

[Carm]

I posted a couple days ago asking frantically whether or not a guy was blowing me off..turns out he wasn't interested. I just got out of a terrible relationship that really broke me down, I decided I needed to date and move on, so an amazing guy came along and I put all my hope into things working out with him, I'd get over my ex, this guy would be my new boyfriend and we'd be happy forever. Totally thought I hit the jackpot. But let me tell you, realizing this guy wasn't interested after a couple dates has brought me down even lower than I already was to start with. Could anybody offer some insight right now? I started off as such a happy and confident woman, I'm trying to get back to that and I just don't know how.

 

 

Sounds like you are still grieving the loss of your relationship.

 

 

I don't know why people feel they must get on with a new relationship to help get over their ex? You need to heal and that means feeling and mourning the loss. It's incredibly painful and very sad but it is necessary to heal and it's a good time for you to figure out what your contribution to the breakdown of the relationship was.

 

 

Unless and until you do that you will not be able to give your heart fully to the next guy and as well isn't fair for them.

[barcode88]

Sounds like you are still grieving the loss of your relationship.

 

 

I don't know why people feel they must get on with a new relationship to help get over their ex? You need to heal and that means feeling and mourning the loss. It's incredibly painful and very sad but it is necessary to heal and it's a good time for you to figure out what your contribution to the breakdown of the relationship was.

 

 

Unless and until you do that you will not be able to give your heart fully to the next guy and as well isn't fair for them.

 

Actually while jumping into a new relationship right away isn't the best idea after a breakup, going out dating isn't a terrible idea at all. There's nothing like getting over someone by seeing other people to forget about your ex.

[kendahke]

I posted a couple days ago asking frantically whether or not a guy was blowing me off..turns out he wasn't interested. I just got out of a terrible relationship that really broke me down, I decided I needed to date and move on, so an amazing guy came along and I put all my hope into things working out with him, I'd get over my ex, this guy would be my new boyfriend and we'd be happy forever. Totally thought I hit the jackpot. But let me tell you, realizing this guy wasn't interested after a couple dates has brought me down even lower than I already was to start with. Could anybody offer some insight right now? I started off as such a happy and confident woman, I'm trying to get back to that and I just don't know how.

 

I've been where you are and truly, it does suck, especially when you read comments from others who, after having had their hearts broken, find someone new immediately and it's wonderful and they're now married, blah blah blah.

 

I think the best thing that you can do is to just be kind to yourself and just invest your energy and time on healing that hurt, learning to manage your expectations a little better (yeah, easier said than done) and vowing not to shut yourself down. It may not happen on your time table, but someone will come around--and either they will be there to share your life with you or they are only there to teach you a life lesson you need to learn to indeed attract the one you should be with. Take this latest event as a lesson and try to extrapolate from that things that will help you in your future quests.

 

Hugs to you. I know this can be a rough time.

Edited April 27, 2015 by kendahke

[fitnessfan365]

But let me tell you, realizing this guy wasn't interested after a couple dates has brought me down even lower than I already was to start with.

 

It would be one thing if he strung you along for months. But you're getting worked up over a guy you admittedly only had two dates with. If you get that invested that soon with every guy you date, you're in for a world of trouble. Try to be more realistic about things. Take it date by date, and only let yourself get emotionally invested if you become an actual couple and start to see each other long term.

 

To be honest with you, if I sensed a woman hearing "bells" after two dates, I'd want nothing to do with her either. He probably sensed you were getting way too attached, way too fast, and that's why he wasn't interested. If you had just relaxed and let things develop naturally, who knows what would have happened.

[angel.eyes]

Focus on you for a while. Work on a hobby you didn't have time for while you were dating your ex. Accomplish something in another area of your life first before you dive back into dating. You'll have a better go at dating once you're in a good place and already feeling positive about yourself.

 

Using dating to regain your self-esteem generally doesn't go well...It tends to do the opposite.

 

Life is a marathon, not a speed dash. It's okay...good even...to take your time and heal first.

[ayeshau]

Thanks everybody for the advice, I actually consider myself a very level headed person and the way I've acted after this breakup has been so out of character and in all honestly it freaks me out. I didn't mean to get so invested in this person, but I find it a very rare thing for me to go on a date with a person and genuinely click with them. And this guy kept making me feel the same way until he randomly disappeared. Its been 4 months since I broke up with that guy, and I consider myself emotionally over him as a person, but I'm still healing from the mess of it all, he cheated countless amounts of times and used to tell me whenever I tried dumping him that I'd never find somebody who loved me as much as he did. And just by typing it out, I can hear how ridiculous that is, but hearing things like from a textbook sociopath can actually stick, and I guess when this new guy I was banking on expressed he wasn't interested, my ex's words got to me.

[angel.eyes]

Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. I'm glad it's finally over, but it will take you a while to heal from the messy relationship and all the hurtful things he said to you. Intellectually you know what he said isn't true, even if it's hard not to believe right now. Just take your time. Eventually you'll find a great guy.

[kendahke]

It would be one thing if he strung you along for months. But you're getting worked up over a guy you admittedly only had two dates with. If you get that invested that soon with every guy you date, you're in for a world of trouble.

 

I don't think this is the case at all.

 

I wasn't invested in the guy who did this to me. He was like a breath of fresh air after 8 months post discovery and he acted as if he was very interested in pursuing me until the day he told me he was getting back with his ex. This is more the struggle to collate two completely different experiences of a person one has known for a short amount of time. One doesn't have to read anything into anything to be confused over an about face.

[fitnessfan365]

I don't think this is the case at all.

 

I wasn't invested in the guy who did this to me. He was like a breath of fresh air after 8 months post discovery and he acted as if he was very interested in pursuing me until the day he told me he was getting back with his ex. This is more the struggle to collate two completely different experiences of a person one has known for a short amount of time. One doesn't have to read anything into anything to be confused over an about face.

 

Hmm.. I think some wires were crossed and you meant to quote someone else. My quote was directed at the OP, not you. She had mentioned getting hung up on a guy that she only had two dates with.

 

Your experience sounds like it went on for awhile and that you were seriously mislead. Much different than a guy not being interested after two dates IMO.

[smackie9]

You need to stop filling the void with another man. Take this time to rediscover yourself, and gain your independence and confidence. Adjust and enjoy being alone, be single for awhile, and find new things to do in your life. As they say a man doesn't give you a life, you do.

[Redhead14]

I posted a couple days ago asking frantically whether or not a guy was blowing me off..turns out he wasn't interested. I just got out of a terrible relationship that really broke me down, I decided I needed to date and move on, so an amazing guy came along and I put all my hope into things working out with him, I'd get over my ex, this guy would be my new boyfriend and we'd be happy forever. Totally thought I hit the jackpot. But let me tell you, realizing this guy wasn't interested after a couple dates has brought me down even lower than I already was to start with. Could anybody offer some insight right now? I started off as such a happy and confident woman, I'm trying to get back to that and I just don't know how.

 

Simple, don't allow yourself to be so invested in any man as to compromise your happiness and confidence. Those two things should remain in tact at all times (or most of the time at least) especially with men you've only gone on a couple or few dates with. I'm not going to "give" those two things away for a man I just met. Hell, I wouldn't let that happen for any man. If he moves on after only a couple of dates, I'm not going to allow myself to take a "hit" like that. They aren't worth it -- yet. And, if you get farther down the road with someone, and those things start to suffer, it's usually time to hit the road anyway. After a break up of a relationship (I don't mean someone who stops seeing you after a few dates), you take some time to grieve and process those emotions but not too long. Go out on dates but just view them as "dates". Hopefully, just a night out with a new person and take it from there, one date at a time.

 

Manage your emotions and expectations when you first start dating someone new. Don't project out into the future and daydream about what your life would look like with them. Be in the moment. Enjoy each date as it comes. Get the most out of them as you can. Even if he's boring or not as attractive etc.. If nothing else, you had a night out.

 

"I put all my hope into things working out with him, I'd get over my ex, this guy would be my new boyfriend and we'd be happy forever."

 

When you start thinking this way after one or two dates with someone, you could be sabotaging the potential in ways you don't realize.

[umirano]

Don't measure your self-worth by whether or not you are in a relationship. If you're out of a recent relationship it's perfectly all right to take some time to re-evaluate, soul search and find out what exactly it is that you're looking for in a new boyfriend.

 

Every date that doesn't turn into a new relationship is likely a bad relationship avoided.

 

Good luck in your search!

[BluEyeL]

I posted a couple days ago asking frantically whether or not a guy was blowing me off..turns out he wasn't interested. I just got out of a terrible relationship that really broke me down, I decided I needed to date and move on, so an amazing guy came along and I put all my hope into things working out with him, I'd get over my ex, this guy would be my new boyfriend and we'd be happy forever. Totally thought I hit the jackpot. But let me tell you, realizing this guy wasn't interested after a couple dates has brought me down even lower than I already was to start with. Could anybody offer some insight right now? I started off as such a happy and confident woman, I'm trying to get back to that and I just don't know how.

Hi OP. I feel for you and I've been in your almost identical situation. Out of a very long time (lifetime) marriage/relationship at age 41, I met my first online dating prospect. I met him 3 times. Immediately I decided he's the one and he's awesome and now I'll have a boyfriend and ride into the sunset with him. Turns out, he only wanted something casual, and it didn't work out. It took me MONTHS to get over him.

 

Now, more than 2 years later (and about 20ish guys later) I wouldn't bat an eye after a couple of dates. What I did and what I suggest you do: go to therapy; work on your self esteem (really work on it, it's not just an cliche that people say); read a ton of self-help books; meditate; adopt positive thinking. Understand that dating is a numbers game. Be patient. Expect it's going to take a while (2-3 years) to find your next boyfriend, and that if you're building your self esteem and dating skills up (otherwise it'll take forever). Don't get invested in a man before he makes you his girlfriend and at least 2-3 months have passed. I even hired a dating coach for email access to her advice and that helped me a lot.

 

I wish you good luck. Do not sit around doing nothing. I urge you to start immediately your self work and healing. You can date for practice but do not invest and do not sleep with men until in a relationship, or your self-esteem will go even further down.

[Carm]

Actually while jumping into a new relationship right away isn't the best idea after a breakup, going out dating isn't a terrible idea at all. There's nothing like getting over someone by seeing other people to forget about your ex.

 

 

 

Disagree. Is it fair to the man that you are going on a date with? What if he has healed from his last relationship and is now emotionally ready to be entering a relationship?

 

 

By distracting yourself with a new person you are not dealing with the loss or being introspective to the demise of the relationship.

[Chris715]

Hey ayeshau, I've been struggling with dating rejection too recently, so you're not alone Met up with a girl after texting her for a couple of weeks, thought we got along really well and that conversation flowed, seemed like we had a lot of common and I thought she was into me: lots of smiling, laughing, etc.

 

She cut the date short which I definitely took as a bad sign and it seemed odd because I thought everything was going well. Texted her that night and the next day, no response at all

 

It sucks getting your hopes up over some new, awesome person only to have them reject you, doesn't it? I feel your pain, wish I had a better answer for both of us.

[Gary S]

Time is the great healer, in time, you will get over your ex. Contrary to what many will tell you, dating is good therapy... a new man can help you take your mind off the old one.

 

There is always the chance of rejection in dating, but it's smart to minimize your chance of rejection. Your primary way of doing this to listen to your gut/intuition, and if you smell something funny, back off or drop them first. He who drops first gets to exercise their own freewill and feels better about the whole deal. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute.

Edited April 27, 2015 by Gary S

[Carm]

Time is the great healer, in time, you will get over your ex. Contrary to what many will tell you, dating is good therapy... a new man can help you take your mind off the old one.

 

There is always the chance of rejection in dating, but it's smart to minimize your chance of rejection. Your primary way of doing this to listen to your gut/intuition, and if you smell something funny, back off or drop them first. He who drops first gets to exercise their own freewill and feels better about the whole deal. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute.

 

Gary, how is that fair for the new man?? How would the man feel if he fell in love but she couldn't give her heart fully to this new man.

 

 

It's selfish to date when the goal is help the mind get over the last relationship.

[Gary S]

Gary, how is that fair for the new man?? How would the man feel if he fell in love but she couldn't give her heart fully to this new man.

 

 

It's selfish to date when the goal is help the mind get over the last relationship.

 

- I understand your complaint. From her perspective, dating is good.

 

What about the man's perspective? - it depends... perhaps she'll meet a man who is also on the rebound, or separated, or just wants to be friends, or wants a casual relationship.

 

Or, some man could fall in love with her, while she does not.... that would be bad for him. Let the buyer beware. But that happens all the time anyway, rebound or not.

 

The bottom line? - this thread is about her and her needs, nobody else. There is some competition in dating, not all couples are matches. That's just the way it 'tis.

[Carm]

- I understand your complaint. From her perspective, dating is good.

 

What about the man's perspective? - it depends... perhaps she'll meet a man who is also on the rebound, or separated, or just wants to be friends, or wants a casual relationship.

 

Or, some man could fall in love with her, while she does not.... that would be bad for him. Let the buyer beware. But that happens all the time anyway, rebound or not.

 

The bottom line? - this thread is about her and her needs, nobody else. There is some competition in dating, not all couples are matches. That's just the way it 'tis.

 

 

I still totally disagree with this.

 

 

Part of recovering is grieving, feeling sad, and then mad. If she is dating then she isn't going through the steps of letting go.

 

 

What would be great for her is to go out with her girlfriends, have a great time, go dancing, flirt with men but starting a relationship does not help.

[BluEyeL]

Neah she should date for practice and work on herself at the same time. No worries, ahe won't find a relationship ready man too quickly, typically it doesn't work that way.