my one burning issue with my bf

[ls819]

I've been dating my bf for 3mo. I love him to the moon and back and really see a future with him. I get no one is perfect and we both have our flaws but I have one issue that I feel he needs to fix. He doesn't like to compromise. He's very stuck with doing what he wants. I'm more flexible especially because we're totally different.. I try new things but he seems to not budge. He likes to race cars, fish, hunt and I tag along because I want to enjoy his pastimes with him. I like to go to nice restaurants and socialize yet the only restaurant he's taken me to is his favorite chain restaurant Friday's. Its not about money for me because I'll pay and take him out but he says he doesn't like the food usually at the fancy places in the Hamptons. He rather go to 711 ?. Then he "tried" to go out with my group of guy friends but that failed completely because he didn't make an effort and we left before I could even order a drink. It was so embarrassing to get up in front of my friends when my bf made it obvious he didn't want to be there.... Any suggestions?

[barcode88]

If you're only 3 months in, you still barely know each other. If he's not willing to compromise, that's probably not going to change. A healthy relationship involves compromise on BOTH sides.

[CarrieT]

I've been dating my bf for 3mo.

It is only a three-month relationship.

 

 

and really see a future with him.

You really shouldn't see a future with a man until you have seen him through an entire year - all four seasons - for this very reason:

 

but I have one issue that I feel he needs to fix. He doesn't like to compromise. He's very stuck with doing what he wants.

This is a HUGE issue and not something he will ever fix. You either accept him the way he is or you don't.

 

Frankly, I do not ever see this ending well. You have already dabbled with trying to get him out of his comfort zone and it ended badly.

 

Just face the facts now - early on - and realize that what you really want in a partner does not exist in this guy.

[MissBee]

Tell him how you feel and request that he compromises more and see what he says and what happens. Without a willingness to compromise you'll just end up resenting him. I also think that some things can be compromised on and then sometimes we're just not compatible and it's better to be with someone with whom we share more interests. 3 months is still the discovery phase and not the point you should be wedded but still early enough to decide if you're truly a good match or not. Sometimes we like someone and form an instant relationship and try to make it last (I've been guilty) instead of thinking of it as a probationary period in those few months to see can it really last or not. Core values are more important than hobbies and interests, and his values in terms of compromising are what you need to determine if they work with yours or not.

 

With my last bf for example, he didn't mind going to nice restaurants, as long as he could get chicken or something relatively familiar there. Going out to eat is something my friends and I do a lot and it would have been just awkward if he never wanted to come or was super picky and worse yet if he acted like a petulant child and was rude about it. He wasn't super adventurous with food, but he'd try things for my sake when we'd go to restaurants that were more ethnically diverse or he'd go and just try to order what seemed most familiar and not make any kind of fuss and embarrass me. Also, although he was more reserved he always made an effort to be cordial and friendly when we hung out with my friends.

 

I think the fact that your boyfriend cannot compromise and also doesn't know how to be socially polite are red flags. How do you teach a grown man manners? I don't know personally, as for me some things are non-negotiable. If a man doesn't have social graces, doesn't know how to be polite and if he has the potential to embarrass me or can't get on with my friends we have no future, so to be honest it's hard for me to make suggestions on how you fix something like that. But you obviously want to, so all you can do is explain how his behavior makes you feel and what you would like and he will either be willing to do better or he won't be and then you'll have to decide if you want to continue the relationship.

Edited April 27, 2015 by MissBee

[ls819]

Miss B exactly what you said about your ex.. that's all I want is for him to make an effort BC I like to go out to eat a lot too. Maybe my biggest issue is really talking about how I feel to him because I really don't want confrontation... and I don't want to come off as whinening to him.

Even though it's only been 3 months we're together everyday for the last 3mo. There may be a handful of times I slept alone because I had work overnight. But we are different and I do compromise... I've never imagined myself going in the woods hunting for shedded antlers... I'm a girly girl so that's not me.

[fitnessfan365]

I'm more flexible especially because we're totally different..

 

The main problem you're trying to deny is that you two just aren't compatible. Since it's only been three months, why not break up with him and meet someone who you actually have things in common with?

[kendahke]

I've been dating my bf for 3mo. I love him to the moon and back and really see a future with him. I get no one is perfect and we both have our flaws but I have one issue that I feel he needs to fix. He doesn't like to compromise. He's very stuck with doing what he wants. I'm more flexible especially because we're totally different.. I try new things but he seems to not budge. He likes to race cars, fish, hunt and I tag along because I want to enjoy his pastimes with him. I like to go to nice restaurants and socialize yet the only restaurant he's taken me to is his favorite chain restaurant Friday's. Its not about money for me because I'll pay and take him out but he says he doesn't like the food usually at the fancy places in the Hamptons. He rather go to 711 ��. Then he "tried" to go out with my group of guy friends but that failed completely because he didn't make an effort and we left before I could even order a drink. It was so embarrassing to get up in front of my friends when my bf made it obvious he didn't want to be there.... Any suggestions?

 

 

None that you probably want to hear.

 

This is Incompatibility 100--a very basic, in-your-face incompatibility with absolutely no subtleties to it.

 

My suggestion is to dump him. Unless he is willing to compromise, you're going to become increasingly frustrated and resentful of him having his way all the time and showing out and embarrassing you when he can't have it. That isht gets old really fast.

 

He doesn't sound very evolved and you're too young to be stuck with an old man.

[kendahke]

Miss B exactly what you said about your ex.. that's all I want is for him to make an effort BC I like to go out to eat a lot too. Maybe my biggest issue is really talking about how I feel to him because I really don't want confrontation... and I don't want to come off as whinening to him.

Even though it's only been 3 months we're together everyday for the last 3mo. There may be a handful of times I slept alone because I had work overnight. But we are different and I do compromise... I've never imagined myself going in the woods hunting for shedded antlers... I'm a girly girl so that's not me.

 

It's cute now to go out and hunt for shedded antlers--is it still going to be cute in 5 years when he's still taking you to Friday's or 711 and has acted out much worse when you've talked to him about his lack of compromising til you're blue in the face?

 

If you can't have a conversation about this because you feel you're going to come across as whining to him, then there is a huge communication problem going on here: and it is that your boyfriend does not believe that the things which you like and like to do are as important as what he likes and likes to do and he knows how to comport himself in such a way that you are too intimidated by his demeanor to state clearly to him what you would like for him to do. That is not healthy, my dear. If you approach this as if you're in the wrong for asking him to do something/go somewhere/try something new (which you're not), he's taking the advantage of his obstinacy to keep you in line and to stop asking him to do things you'd like to do.

Edited April 27, 2015 by kendahke

[ls819]

Actually my bf is not intimdating I could talk to him but I just don't want to have a minor argument if I don't choose my words correctly. All I wanted was suggestions how to convey my message and get my point across without making him feel I'm attacking him.

I'm with him because although we are different with past times and hobbies we do have chemistry and other important qualities for a healthy relationship. I don't mind trying things he likes because he means a lot to me. And almost being 29 I've dated enough guys to know that I actually have a guy worth my time and keeping our relationship going. As he said we rather argue over where we're eating than fight about serious stuff such as loyalty.

[kendahke]

Actually my bf is not intimdating I could talk to him but I just don't want to have a minor argument if I don't choose my words correctly. All I wanted was suggestions how to convey my message and get my point across without making him feel I'm attacking him.

I'm with him because although we are different with past times and hobbies we do have chemistry and other important qualities for a healthy relationship. I don't mind trying things he likes because he means a lot to me. And almost being 29 I've dated enough guys to know that I actually have a guy worth my time and keeping our relationship going. As he said we rather argue over where we're eating than fight about serious stuff such as loyalty.

 

Then, there is no problem here except for you not having good communication skills.

 

I just don't see how saying "Hey, I'm taking you to XYZ restaurant in the Hamptons this Saturday evening at 8p. We've got reservations. Thought it would be nice and romantic foreplay and you look so hot when you dress up, rawrrrr!" is not choosing your words correctly. If he says "no", you just respond with "OK" and keep it moving.

 

If you're coming at him like "why can't we go to XYZ restaurant? You never go with me to anyplace I want to go...", then yeah, I can see an argument in the offing and nothing gets accomplished.

 

Don't put it to him as if you're asking an impossible favor from him. Tell him what you are doing and convey the benefit to him of going with you. What does he get out of the situation--what's in it for him? If you can have that question answered, you might get further with him on these issues.

[smackie9]

What you see is what you get with him.....you are not compatible, so stop dating him. If you continue all you are doing is settling and that will become a problem down the road....and you will regret it.

 

3 months in and you want to fix him?....that's not how dating goes....you date and see if you were meant to be together....in this case you are not, sorry to say. You are in the honeymoon phase, and it's typical to think they are the one you want to be with forever....but it's false dreams brought on a chemical being released in your brain, which will wear off in about 4 months time. The honeymoon phase is when all logic is thrown out the window because you want this high to continue. Now here you are desperate to hang onto that high, but reality is creeping in. If you were not in love (obsessed) with him and saw this issues, you wouldn't bother with him am I right?

[Redhead14]

Actually my bf is not intimdating I could talk to him but I just don't want to have a minor argument if I don't choose my words correctly. All I wanted was suggestions how to convey my message and get my point across without making him feel I'm attacking him.

I'm with him because although we are different with past times and hobbies we do have chemistry and other important qualities for a healthy relationship. I don't mind trying things he likes because he means a lot to me. And almost being 29 I've dated enough guys to know that I actually have a guy worth my time and keeping our relationship going. As he said we rather argue over where we're eating than fight about serious stuff such as loyalty.

 

You open a very casual conversation that starts out something like "I've been enjoying the time we spent together and respect our relationship. I am finding that we are not on the same page in terms of our past times and hobbies. I support and encourage you to enjoy those things you enjoy, but we do need to find somethings that we both enjoy. I'd like to explore some ideas for that with you."

 

Use "I" statements as much as possible. Don't start sentences with "you never want or you don't do . . . etc.

 

If he doesn't care for your friends, that's ok. You go out with them occasionally for yourself. Let him go with his friends. But find other things that you both can enjoy together.

[soyou]

You can say all you want but if you two dont share any common hobby or interest and there is a lack of compromise from his side, your relationship is not going to work.

 

I understand that you're 29, mature enough to know what you want in life but yet, you're here concerning about his unwillingness to compromise.

 

I dont think this is a minor issue. If it were, you should have let it passed already.

 

I'm not here to sabotage your relationship. I've been there in your shoes before. No matter how hard I tried, the relationship failed in the end. Incompability is a major issue. No work can fix it!

[ls819]

 

3 months in and you want to fix him?....that's not how dating goes....you date and see if you were meant to be together....in this case you are not, sorry to say. You are in the honeymoon phase, and it's typical to think they are the one you want to be with forever....but it's false dreams brought on a chemical being released in your brain, which will wear off in about 4 months time. The honeymoon phase is when all logic is thrown out the window because you want this high to continue. Now here you are desperate to hang onto that high, but reality is creeping in. If you were not in love (obsessed) with him and saw this issues, you wouldn't bother with him am I right?

 

I don't want to fix him.. I just wanted to ask in the right way for him to be more open to things I like. The honeymoon phase is wearing off but I still love him all the same if not more because I know and feel how much he cares for me. I hear all these things other people have issues with in their relationship... Questioning if they're bf really cares.. Questioning if they see a future together because their bf is not motivated... I don't have those issues. I'm happy and he's become like a best friend besides my bf. There's going to be issues that arise its normal I just wanted advice on how to go about communicating the only real issue I have.

[CarrieT]

With all due respect, this:

I don't want to fix him..

contradicts this:

I get no one is perfect and we both have our flaws but I have one issue that I feel he needs to fix.

[BluEyeL]

I don't want to fix him.. I just wanted to ask in the right way for him to be more open to things I like. The honeymoon phase is wearing off but I still love him all the same if not more because I know and feel how much he cares for me. I hear all these things other people have issues with in their relationship... Questioning if they're bf really cares.. Questioning if they see a future together because their bf is not motivated... I don't have those issues. I'm happy and he's become like a best friend besides my bf. There's going to be issues that arise its normal I just wanted advice on how to go about communicating the only real issue I have.

You cannot do anything much about it. This is who he is. You can address some minor things when the situations occur, i.e. "I would feel good if we did X". "It would be important to me if we went to Y". But overall, he'll not change. We can only change our reaction to it. You either take him the way he is or leave him. I suggest you live him because the incompatibilities seem just too much to sustain long term. A lifetime?

[ls819]

With all due respect, this:

 

contradicts this:

 

It doesn't contradict.. I said He needs to fix .. that I Don't want to fix him.. I already know someone can't change another person.. He has to want to fix it for me because its important for both of us to make compromises ..My whole point was how to have this conversation with him

[ls819]

Thanks for all the feedback.. And I took a few responses and followed through on the best way to approach it... And just to end the post my bf said not to stress it that whenever there is a problem he fixes it... For all those who ask why i stay...that's why we stay together

[pteromom]

How about letting him go out and enjoy his hobbies without you having to go? How about you go out to a nice restaurant and do the things you like to do with your friends, instead of expecting him to go with you?

 

You say you have been with him EVERY DAY of the three months you've been together? This sounds very strange to me.

 

It's ok for you to each like your own things. He can come back to you in the evening and tell you about the cool antlers he found, and you can tell him about the lovely dinner you had, and you can both be happy.

 

There's compromising to make a relationship work, and then there is compromising who you ARE, and asking him to change from being a 7-11-loving, antler-hunting dude to a sophisticated man is asking him to change who he is.

 

This could be a dealbreaker if you guys don't have ANY interests or hobbies in common - but if you do, it's ok to do your own things.

[ls819]

How about letting him go out and enjoy his hobbies without you having to go? How about you go out to a nice restaurant and do the things you like to do with your friends, instead of expecting him to go with you?

 

You say you have been with him EVERY DAY of the three months you've been together? This sounds very strange to me.

 

It's ok for you to each like your own things. He can come back to you in the evening and tell you about the cool antlers he found, and you can tell him about the lovely dinner you had, and you can both be happy.

 

There's compromising to make a relationship work, and then there is compromising who you ARE, and asking him to change from being a 7-11-loving, antler-hunting dude to a sophisticated man is asking him to change who he is.

 

This could be a dealbreaker if you guys don't have ANY interests or hobbies in common - but if you do, it's ok to do your own things.

 

We gym together... that we do 5/7 days a week.. It may be strange that we are together all the time...but you're dissecting my relationship and creating issues that aren't issues. I dont have any problem letting him do his own thing without me... And I do go out with friends without him...l

[Carm]

Glad it worked out for you. But yup.....totally agree with some of the other posters. Three months in, you don't love someone to the moon and back. You don't know him well enough. Three months in is infatuation NOT love.

[pteromom]

you're dissecting my relationship and creating issues that aren't issues. I dont have any problem letting him do his own thing without me... And I do go out with friends without him...l

 

I just went by what you shared.

 

In that case, it may just be basic incompatibility, and you are trying to force a round peg in a square hole.

[smackie9]

Best of luck, we will see you in about a year?

[CarrieT]

It doesn't contradict.. I said He needs to fix .. that I Don't want to fix him.. I already know someone can't change another person.. He has to want to fix it for me because its important for both of us to make compromises ..

But it sounds like this isn't something he wants to do or feels it is important to him.

 

My whole point was how to have this conversation with him

Others have given you dialogue examples on how to approach the problem.

 

I hope you report back when/if you have the discussion, but - please - be cognizant that many of us see giant red flags of ultimate incompatibility here. We would like to hope for the best in your regard, but for those of us that have been around here a long time (look at my post count and join date), we have seen this before and it does not bode well.

 

I do wish you the best, but hope you will guard yourself and prepare for the possibility that you may not get the outcome you desire.

[ls819]

But it sounds like this isn't something he wants to do or feels it is important to him.

 

 

Others have given you dialogue examples on how to approach the problem.

 

I hope you report back when/if you have the discussion, but - please - be cognizant that many of us see giant red flags of ultimate incompatibility here. We would like to hope for the best in your regard, but for those of us that have been around here a long time (look at my post count and join date), we have seen this before and it does not bode well.

 

I do wish you the best, but hope you will guard yourself and prepare for the possibility that you may not get the outcome you desire.

 

Thanks.. ?.. I guess only time will tell if he wants to change that for me.. If not then of course that would be a reason for me to reconsider the relationship... But I'm not too worried that he won't.