hopelessromantic89 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Has anyone ever had a serious monogamous relationship that turned into an open relationship? I have been thinking about this a lot lately in my current relationship of 3 years. Would love to hear from those with experience! Link to post Share on other sites
adamastor Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Are you happy with your current relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 They end badly. and or They become an excuse for the cheating partner to no longer need to hide their affair and pretend I just met this FB. Then they end badly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I have friends who are free to have sex with other people, but it has to be a threesome, both of them and one other person. Works out great for them 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 from what I understand, both people have to be 100% on board and committed to the rules of engagement and basically be free of jealous feelings. If one person deviates from the script, it won't work and the relationship will implode. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I've had an open relationship for the past 15 years. It started soon after we started dating as a polyamorous relationship, as we'd both been dating others and we both wanted to continue seeing particular people. (We were both previously in long-term monogamous but sexless relationships, and never want to be stuck in such again.) We proposed this idea to the others and all met to discuss it. It worked very nicely for about a year, until the other people found people they wanted to see exclusively. We know that scenario worked for us as we're still friends with them. After that experience, we occasionally met someone and we'd discuss pursuing it before doing so. There have been a few of those over the years. We also engaged in swinging, which we enjoyed together. So, it has worked for us over the long term. I think it has worked for us for several reasons: We are ideally matched with each other, and still deeply in love and lust with each other. We both have high sex drives and enjoy sexual variety. We can separate sex from emotional connection, but given our poly background, we don't have to - but we will discuss whether to pursue any such connection before doing so (we won't allow any other relationships to create problems with ours). We are not jealous types and have learned to deal with occasional issues proactively and positively. We truly want each other to be happy and sexually fulfilled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Communication, trust both vital... It can work but as you have been strictly monogamous up to this point I think you will probably only end up harming your relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Lokin4AReason Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 w/ a relationship like this, someone in it isn't satisfied or they are just looking for excuse(s) ( IMO ) and WE all know the end result of excuse(s) =0/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 YOU are considering this open relationship for the wrong reasons. This is not you in a stable, trusting relationship seeking to introduce some variety; this is a desperate attempt by you to hold onto your ex. From being a codependent with trust issues, to considering an open relationship is just too huge a jump for you. My ex and I have been seeing each other for the past few months now. I have been working on my codependency issues with my therapist and have really been turning my life around. Most of the time I feel great, and excited about the future. However, I just cannot seem to get past my trust issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 YOU are considering this open relationship for the wrong reasons. This is not you in a stable, trusting relationship seeking to introduce some variety; this is a desperate attempt by you to hold onto your ex. From being a codependent with trust issues, to considering an open relationship is just too huge a jump for you. Elaine honey do you ever do any work? How do you keep up with all of this stuff... OP listen to Elaine. It will not be a healthy option for you. Some couple can and can be happy but it really isn't for everyone and with your problems will only create more! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Elaine honey do you ever do any work? How do you keep up with all of this stuff... OP listen to Elaine. It will not be a healthy option for you. Some couple can and can be happy but it really isn't for everyone and with your problems will only create more! It only took a minute to check recent posts by the OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I was briefly monogamous with my current BF (maybe 4 or 5 months) before I resumed seeing others and eventually added two real GFs, and it's worked wonderfully for me. That said, is does depend more than anything on the people involved. There's no way to reliably say "yes it will work" or "no it won't work" without evaluating the participants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopelessromantic89 Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Thanks for your responses! I haven't really talked to him about it, but I have questions monogamy a lot in the past. Just curious if people have had it work for them! Our relationship is probably a bit too fragile for it at the moment. Although we have been doing well, really just have my own issues to deal with. Though I don't think it's to keep my boyfriend. Just sounds fun, I've heard it can help relationships and can even help overcome issues with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
TaxAHCruel Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I see nothing wrong with it in principle at all. Certainly none of the doom and gloom "It always ends badly" nonsense that one or two posters have trotted out. But I would not recommend it to anyone who is not already in a good place - or has anything less than the top standards available in trust and communication in their relationship. If you are already suffering from trust issues - or have difficulty communicating with a partner - then I would not recommend an open relationship for any reason really. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I've heard it can help relationships and can even help overcome issues with yourself. No, I think you were sold a line with this one. Problems in a relationship don't disappear by adding more people to the mix. And you can't fix problems within yourself by jumping into bed with more people either. I have no views on open relationships either way. But they aren't the solution to problems IMHO. You have to start off in a great place to begin with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Apparently, I think these are one of the "How not to be boring to a woman" when it comes to keeping a woman. Some people would even consider bringing in a third party to "spice things up" in order to keep the relationship from fizzling out. Kind of sad that one would have to resort to this. YOU are considering this open relationship for the wrong reasons. This is not you in a stable, trusting relationship seeking to introduce some variety; this is a desperate attempt by you to hold onto your ex. From being a codependent with trust issues, to considering an open relationship is just too huge a jump for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 If you read a book called "opening up", or "more than 2", you will get all the pros and cons . And what you will read that doing this is NOt the answer to cure a fragile relationship and that any cracks in your relationship will be magnified . That is not my opinion but comes from the authors of the books. And like you have been told , if your boyfriend is NOT 100% on board it is doomed. And here is why (1) as a woman you will find it much easier in general to find other partners . The overwhelming number of men will not give a crap about the fact that you have a boyfriend and openly tell them that you are allowed to date and have sex. On the other hand , 95 % of women will want no part of a man who is "taken". So your boyfriend will be sitting there watching you enjoy your dating life and if he is not ok with that you will have immediate problems . And the bull crap about he just needs to "work through it" is just a simple answer that does not work (2) if you two are both not all in, boundaries will be crossed just like in monogamy . It will start out just a date , then sex, then you will want to spend the night , then you will want to go on vacations with your boyfriends . All this is ok IF he signs up for that . But most of the time all of that is not agreed upon beforehand. And lastly, if your idea of this is spurred on by a relationship that you have already started behind his back or if you already know who your first partner will be, then you have jumped the gun and are using opening up not as a way to enhance your relationship but to justify cheating . So the bottom line is that the same commitment from BOTH people is necessary in an open relationship as in a monogamous relationship . If you believe this crapmthst it is the perfect idea you will find out that it can work for some but does not for most . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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