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Texting: How long without a text means its over?


Sunyata

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Sorry for my 3rd post on this site. Given the fact I am thinking so much about it probably means I'm not man enough to be worth dating.

 

In any case, date was Wednesday night. 2.5 hours, pretty good conversation. Next day she texts me saying she had a good time and hopes she didn't make me uncomfortable. I say she didn't but I may have been a little shy, wish I had hugged her goodbye instead of waved. She said its okay and that she had a good time. Also, during the date she asked me when I was available next and told me when she was.

 

Saturday morning I text her asking her out again. No reply yet.

 

Realistically, I feel like I shouldn't give up hope until after tomorrow.

Edited by Sunyata
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Eh, makes sense. I told myself maybe she was busy, unsure of her schedule, etc. Tried to convince myself to think positively, and that she wouldn't have talked about getting together again if she wasn't interested. Or that she wouldn't have said she had a good time. But deep down, I knew. And sort of understood maybe where she was coming from with those messages.

 

Onward, I suppose.

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Op you need to be more confident. Go for the hug, look in her eyes and try get a kiss.

 

Also don't apologize for being shy, you're admitting weakness.

 

I think you turned her off. It's over .

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Op you need to be more confident. Go for the hug, look in her eyes and try get a kiss.

 

Also don't apologize for being shy, you're admitting weakness.

 

I think you turned her off. It's over .

 

I guess. I can't imagine trying to get a kiss on a first date. I grew up in a house where sexuality was not expressed once. I lived with my dad for 11 years after the divorce and a year after college, and he never talked about or brought home a woman once. Not even once. I would see going for a kiss as "dirty."

 

In any case, it makes me feel warm to think that she may have been interested but been turned off by admitting weakness or something. But I'm going to find closure by thinking that she just wasn't that into me, at least not in a romantic way, from the get go. I don't think she thought I sucked as a person.

 

It sucks because I found her pretty attractive, and she came after me. I don't know how to approach people on OKCupid, and I don't think OKC even shows me girls as attractive as her.

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Dude, you need to be way more proactive (and less self-defeatist) when you date.

 

She had to text you the next day to tell you she had a good time because she hadn't heard from you. (As reference, I hear from guys the same night of the date, as soon as they think I've gotten home.)

She had to ask you for another date. (Most guys ask me almost immediately for another date.) That was Wednesday. Nada from you. She also volunteered when she was free for another date. Finally on Saturday you decide to follow-up and ask for a date? Saturday???

 

Of course she's moved on at that point! I wouldn't bother to answer either. By then I would have found someone else who was more excited about the prospect of dating me.

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I guess. I can't imagine trying to get a kiss on a first date. I grew up in a house where sexuality was not expressed once. I lived with my dad for 11 years after the divorce and a year after college, and he never talked about or brought home a woman once. Not even once. I would see going for a kiss as "dirty."

 

In any case, it makes me feel warm to think that she may have been interested but been turned off by admitting weakness or something. But I'm going to find closure by thinking that she just wasn't that into me, at least not in a romantic way, from the get go. I don't think she thought I sucked as a person.

 

It sucks because I found her pretty attractive, and she came after me. I don't know how to approach people on OKCupid, and I don't think OKC even shows me girls as attractive as her.

 

I grew up a bit sheltered too, it can be hard. But sometimes you just need to go for it, even if it isnt something you're used to. If you want to kiss that person, then you should. Even on a first date if it goes well.

 

Also Women want a strong man, she might have been into you, but then you were telling her "sorry" for being shy (aka who you are), bit of a buzzkill there.

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As an experiment, the next time you go on a date and have a good time, regardless of whether you kiss her or not do two things:

 

1. Be physical and flirtatious so she feels your sexual aura

 

2. If *you've* had a good time and you *think* she has as well, set up another date before ending the current one. Then text or call only briefly between dates.

 

Expect some dates to work out and others not, regardless of how they seemed to go at the time. Always have other irons going in the fire. Never know which ones will heat up and which won't. I learned that last part from, wait for it...... women :D

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Dude, you need to be way more proactive (and less self-defeatist) when you date.

 

She had to text you the next day to tell you she had a good time because she hadn't heard from you. (As reference, I hear from guys the same night of the date, as soon as they think I've gotten home.)

She had to ask you for another date. (Most guys ask me almost immediately for another date.) That was Wednesday. Nada from you. She also volunteered when she was free for another date. Finally on Saturday you decide to follow-up and ask for a date? Saturday???

 

Of course she's moved on at that point! I wouldn't bother to answer either. By then I would have found someone else who was more excited about the prospect of dating me.

 

Yeah. I feel like I'm disgusting. I wanted to text her the same night. But I felt like it would have been too much, or she didn't want it. That I should have already gotten the message and walked away, and not forced it after the fact like some pig. When she said during the date "when are you free next, I'm free _____," I assumed she wasn't actually interested. When she said "I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable," I assumed it was the only reason she texted me. That she didn't actually dig me but just felt bad for me.

 

I don't know why I assume whats going on in other people's heads so much... always negative for me, too.

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It actually sounds to me like a case where her friends talked her out of it. (Girl cabals can be dens of satan.) I mean, she liked you, then she didn't like you. What happened? Did she get your background check back in the mail and see that you did 18 years in prison for manslaughter? No, probably someone (or ones) got in her head thru her ear and sabotaged it. Women will often seek to destroy the things they envy.

 

Not saying this was actually the perfect girl for you or anything like that, but it doesn't seem like she'd do a 180 off her own bat.

 

Anyway yeah, move on. Be more confident next time. You don't have to kiss on the first date, by hugs are entirely appropriate. Handshakes are a no, and waving is probably worse. ;)

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All my life it's been the hardest thing for me to believe people like me. It's been SO hard for me to take what people say at face value. I always get into their head and assume something negative.

 

If any of you are in a helpful mood, I'd appreciate it if you would check out my full, longer and yet still concise rundown of this date, as it was my first "real" date.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/526174-had-my-first-real-date-29-a

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fitnessfan365
It actually sounds to me like a case where her friends talked her out of it. (Girl cabals can be dens of satan.) I mean, she liked you, then she didn't like you. What happened? Did she get your background check back in the mail and see that you did 18 years in prison for manslaughter? No, probably someone (or ones) got in her head thru her ear and sabotaged it. Women will often seek to destroy the things they envy.

 

Not saying this was actually the perfect girl for you or anything like that, but it doesn't seem like she'd do a 180 off her own bat.

 

Anyway yeah, move on. Be more confident next time. You don't have to kiss on the first date, by hugs are entirely appropriate. Handshakes are a no, and waving is probably worse. ;)

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

Haha.. There are times when Jen CRACKS me up. Yeah background checks can be a pain in the ass. :D

 

But in all seriousness, a wave is definitely not a good way to go OP. If you want to see a woman again, you want to end the date in a way that communicates that. A wave is what you do when you're saying goodbye to someone. Essentially saying "See yah". I'm with Barcode. If I'm hitting it off with a woman and we're both genuinely interested, I go for a kiss at the end of the night. But at the very least, you should be hugging her if you're not comfortable enough to kiss yet.

 

Now I want to stress that I don't do this every time. It's on a case by case basis and sporadic at best. However, with some of my GF's that I met online, I greeted them with a kiss when we met in person. I was respectful, didn't let my hands wander, etc.. But there was so much romantic tension from the text and phone interaction going in, that it felt like the thing to do. In the end they liked my confidence to do it, and it eliminates the "will we or won't we kiss" anxiety. But like I said, I've only done that a handful of times in my life when it felt right. On 90% of first dates, I'll greet with a friendly hug and give her plenty of space on the date. Then I save the kiss for the end if there is chemistry.

Edited by fitnessfan365
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Sorry for my 3rd post on this site. Given the fact I am thinking so much about it probably means I'm not man enough to be worth dating.

 

In any case, date was Wednesday night. 2.5 hours, pretty good conversation. Next day she texts me saying she had a good time and hopes she didn't make me uncomfortable. I say she didn't but I may have been a little shy, wish I had hugged her goodbye instead of waved. She said its okay and that she had a good time. Also, during the date she asked me when I was available next and told me when she was.

 

Saturday morning I text her asking her out again. No reply yet.

 

Realistically, I feel like I shouldn't give up hope until after tomorrow.

 

Saturday was only yesterday! Not everyone lives with their smartphones in front of their nose. Some people put them down when they're doing something else, out of courtesy.

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Saturday was only yesterday! Not everyone lives with their smartphones in front of their nose. Some people put them down when they're doing something else, out of courtesy.

 

Well, it's been two full days.

 

Maybe she's still thinking about it because I've been kind of unpredictable about it all. Would like a second date but we'll see. I really think we both had fun.

 

But the sentiment from most here seems to be that its over.

Edited by Sunyata
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I think you blew this one my dude. The apologizing for your actions (or lack thereof) after the date was a huge mistake. It would've repelled her if i'm going to be completely honest. If she was keen on this she would've answered your text promptly - the dynamic is not one whereby she's waiting out replying to you to "play games" and "keep you interested", because you didn't give out the vibe that you're a guy who she feels like she needs to pursue or play games with. That means, if she was truly interested it would be in absence of all game playing and tension building and she would've answered you by now. But since you came off weak in this particular instance she's just lost interest. Never wave again. It's a hug, most preferably a kiss. With experience you will learn to judge situations/chemistry and act accordingly.

 

Learn from this, I can almost promise you the above is what happened. Use this as a learning experience. Just be confident in yourself man, women want to be with a guy who is sure of himself. This sounds like such an overused cliche but there's a reason it's spouted so much. The only way you will improve here is to go on as many dates as you can. Fill your spare time with dating.

 

Good luck, you'll be fine:cool:

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I think you blew this one my dude. The apologizing for your actions (or lack thereof) after the date was a huge mistake. It would've repelled her if i'm going to be completely honest. If she was keen on this she would've answered your text promptly - the dynamic is not one whereby she's waiting out replying to you to "play games" and "keep you interested", because you didn't give out the vibe that you're a guy who she feels like she needs to pursue or play games with. That means, if she was truly interested it would be in absence of all game playing and tension building and she would've answered you by now. But since you came off weak in this particular instance she's just lost interest. Never wave again. It's a hug, most preferably a kiss. With experience you will learn to judge situations/chemistry and act accordingly.

 

Learn from this, I can almost promise you the above is what happened. Use this as a learning experience. Just be confident in yourself man, women want to be with a guy who is sure of himself. This sounds like such an overused cliche but there's a reason it's spouted so much. The only way you will improve here is to go on as many dates as you can. Fill your spare time with dating.

 

Good luck, you'll be fine:cool:

 

Thanks. Well, perhaps I'll be fine. Given this was my first date and I was 29, I will need to find a way to go on more dates. OKCupid sucks. I was really lucky this girl came and found me. I would have never found her on that site. I overthink everything too... I just need to be.

 

I keep waiting for a girl to understand I need to believe in myself, and help nurse me up to being more of a man about things.

Edited by Sunyata
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I think the way to go with sites like OKC is to simply use it as a tool. Use it as a way to brush up your "game", but don't expect to meet the "one" on there. I had a profile for a while and I simply used to it meet up with as many women as possible. I never found a woman who I wanted to go past the 2nd date with, but it got to the point where I was the one making this decision. Dating just teaches you about people, what you want from them and what you want in a relationship. More fundamentally it teaches you how to talk to people and gauge reactions, interest, etc. If I were you I'd just message women relentlessly. Don't discriminate. Suggest a date within 3-5 messages. I promise doing this will build your self esteem and confidence. You get rejected? Who cares. Tell them "no worries;)" and on to the next. Dating, finding someone and building a relationship with them takes WORK and it doesn't "just happen" because you get along with them or whatever. Eventually when you meet that person you REALLY want, you won't blow it because you'll have the necessary "skills" to successfully facilitate and maintain a relationship.

 

I've been disillusioned with dating. Everyone has. But it's all about the mindset. You've gotta see it as a skill that takes work to develop and master. So my advice is just put yourself out there as much as possible.

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I think the way to go with sites like OKC is to simply use it as a tool. Use it as a way to brush up your "game", but don't expect to meet the "one" on there. I had a profile for a while and I simply used to it meet up with as many women as possible. I never found a woman who I wanted to go past the 2nd date with, but it got to the point where I was the one making this decision. Dating just teaches you about people, what you want from them and what you want in a relationship. More fundamentally it teaches you how to talk to people and gauge reactions, interest, etc. If I were you I'd just message women relentlessly. Don't discriminate. Suggest a date within 3-5 messages. I promise doing this will build your self esteem and confidence. You get rejected? Who cares. Tell them "no worries;)" and on to the next. Dating, finding someone and building a relationship with them takes WORK and it doesn't "just happen" because you get along with them or whatever. Eventually when you meet that person you REALLY want, you won't blow it because you'll have the necessary "skills" to successfully facilitate and maintain a relationship.

 

I've been disillusioned with dating. Everyone has. But it's all about the mindset. You've gotta see it as a skill that takes work to develop and master. So my advice is just put yourself out there as much as possible.

 

I agree. That's something I took out of my first date. And I find people very interesting. And dating is a unique circumstance to be in with another person. Did you always pay for the date when you were meeting them that often? Also, almost all the girls on my OKC are unattractive, though I did get the e-mail from OKC saying I'm in the more attractive half.

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I'm a little confused. You said in the other thread you linked that you just got out of a year and a half relationship, but this is your first date ....?

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I'm a little confused. You said in the other thread you linked that you just got out of a year and a half relationship, but this is your first date ....?

 

Yes, basically. The first relationship never had a "date" per se. We met on OKCupid and she was about 6 hours away. We talked on the phone after a few messages. She had a lot of health issues and other strange things which kind of lessened the intimidation of it. We then talked on Skype every day for a month before meeting in person, and I never really felt the pressure. So this felt like the first date, where I was sitting there wondering what the person thought of me.

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"..help nurse me up to being more of a man about things."

 

You need to change this mindset because no woman is going to do this. You can't expect a woman to want to be with a man who "needs" her to make him a man. It's just not going to happen. This is YOUR problem and it needs to be fixed before you can have a relationship with a mature woman. As much as we want it to be the case, in the early stages of dating a woman isn't going to see through our insecurities and accept us as a fundamentally good person and pine away for us. Insecurity is a repellant in dating. This is where you're making your first impression, you're trying to show this woman you are a prize and she should be obsessing over the idea of dating you seriously. This is through showing her you're an interesting, confident and together guy, not a guy who needs nurturing. Hopefully you can understand why this is a problem.

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"..help nurse me up to being more of a man about things."

 

You need to change this mindset because no woman is going to do this. You can't expect a woman to want to be with a man who "needs" her to make him a man. It's just not going to happen. This is YOUR problem and it needs to be fixed before you can have a relationship with a mature woman. As much as we want it to be the case, in the early stages of dating a woman isn't going to see through our insecurities and accept us as a fundamentally good person and pine away for us. Insecurity is a repellant in dating. This is where you're making your first impression, you're trying to show this woman you are a prize and she should be obsessing over the idea of dating you seriously. This is through showing her you're an interesting, confident and together guy, not a guy who needs nurturing. Hopefully you can understand why this is a problem.

 

I totally get it. I wish I could have tried some of these things during this date, but for whatever reason at the end of it all I chickened out... it's like when the end was finally happening I lost the ability to be in the moment and follow through with tasks. It's too bad. But ultimately, next time I try it I will be a little more relaxed and focused on doing it well. If this girl was good for me, it's too bad she had to be the first. I think we got along naturally in some ways, and that's not easy to find.

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From your other thread it sounded as though you asking her out was a bit of a vague 'I'm free at these times' rather than 'let's meet for a coffee at 2 o'clock'?

 

I don't know though, maybe she lost interest, maybe she is busy. Dating is awkward and uncomfortable but when you get more experience and meet the right women it shouldn't be too frightening. My first date with my ex was terrifying and awkward (I think because I was so keen), but the 2nd was amazing. Also, try not to overthink it! You should feel proud that you are making progress and learning. Nothing wrong with being shy, just don't let it hold you back.

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Couple things:

 

1. If referencing relevant content not in this thread, quote it and link to it.

 

2. Solicitations for private contact are not to be made on-forum, as they are not topical. Members who have private message privileges can, wait for it..... use the PM system to make private contact. They don't need to talk about it on-forum. If any questions about that system, we have a very informative thread in Q&C about it.

 

OK, back to the topic of texting and dating.

Edited by William
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