How to avoid dating players?

[Peachland]

After my last unfortunate dating experience I need advice on how to avoid players. I'm new to online dating and just started about 6 months ago. I got divorced last year after a 17 year marriage and before marrying my ex-husband I dated my college boyfriend for 4 years. In between those 2 relationships I dated a couple of people very casually therefore I don't have much experience.

 

I've dated three different men since January but this last one was a big time player and I was too naive to figure it out until he completely disappeared. He strung me along for 7 weeks and then went vanished. It turns out he was "blue skying" me and in some cases telling me outright lies.

 

Here is a little history....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/520697-god-fearing-men-more-trustworthy

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/525464-dating-7-weeks-now-he-s-gone-silent

 

What I can do to avoid these men? Is the default to not believe a word they say until proven to be true?

 

I don't want to give up on dating but this last experience was very disappointing.

[SawtoothMars]

After my last unfortunate dating experience I need advice on how to avoid players. I'm new to online dating and just started about 6 months ago. I got divorced last year after a 17 year marriage and before marrying my ex-husband I dated my college boyfriend for 4 years. In between those 2 relationships I dated a couple of people very casually therefore I don't have much experience.

I've dated three different men since January but this last one was a big time player and I was too naive to figure it out until he completely disappeared. He strung me along for 7 weeks and then went vanished. It turns out he was "blue skying" me and in some cases telling me outright lies.

Here is a little history....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/520697-god-fearing-men-more-trustworthy

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/525464-dating-7-weeks-now-he-s-gone-silent

What I can do to avoid these men? Is the default to not believe a word they say until proven to be true?

I don't want to give up on dating but this last experience was very disappointing.

 

There is no magic formula. As a general rule if you can't give a guy a reason to be serious about you... then it really doesn't matter anyway. If you are a worthwhile woman you should be able to even get players interested in sticking around.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

The best way to avoid dating players is to move to a monastery.

[Vercetti]

I've said this before. Thoughts, words, actions. If they don't line up, if there are contradictions, if you're not a priority...it's Crystal clear. Someone of little respectability blowing noise can not get far with someone locked down stable. 17 year relationship you should know what want...and guys that have never had anything solid and mature should be easy to sort. Stay away from bars and clubs.

[carhill]

IMO, try changing perspective on the dating process. You have choices in how you view it and process it. If the interaction is positive, that interaction is positive. If other, other. It doesn't have to go anywhere other than where it is. If choosing to invest, invest in the present without regard to future guarantees. Date on your terms. If the guy disappears, fine, he does. You can disappear too, if and when you feel like it and without notice nor explanation. Care, but within the limits of the now.

[pleasedtomeetyou]

Look at the actions inbetween dates. Because anybody can be charming and nice on the date. But in-between dates is when players show their true selves. They don't communicate consistently and only want to talk about things that benefit them.

 

This is difficult to read after only 1-2 dates though, because plenty of people only communicate sporadically in the beginning. But if this sort of communication is still happening after 5-10 dates, you should be suspicious.

[Vercetti]

Wanted to add. Look out for " me too ". If you just dump details of yourself and get lots of " me too " they might just be letting you lie to yourself. Classic saying what want to hear, hold cards closer. I like classical music " me too " their apartments filled with electronica CDs. I like eating healthy " me too " car filled with fast food boxes. I barely drink " me too " recycle bin filled with bottles.

 

So thoughts, words, actions...Look out for " me too."

[clia]

Why do you think these guys were "players"? Just because a guy loses interest doesn't necessarily make him a "player." It's just part of dating.

 

That said, the best way to avoid situations where you may feel used is to just take things slow and don't get invested too quickly. See him once or twice a week at first, no last minute dates, don't spend hours on the phone, don't sleep with them right away, etc. Getting to know a man over time is the only thing that will reveal a man's true character and intentions.

[Peachland]

Why do you think these guys were "players"? Just because a guy loses interest doesn't necessarily make him a "player."

 

I don't think they are all players just the last one I dated. He said a lot of things that weren't true and it's obvious he was using me. There are things I found out after the fact that I haven't gone into detail about here.

 

The point is I'm going to take it real slow and not believe everything I hear. It's clear actions need to match the words. But I also don't want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder.

[Vercetti]

No chip by being smart. Any guy with worth is gonna be scanning you making sure you stack up. They will appreciate the fact a few words doesn't win you over, cause anyone can say anything...don't want smoke blowers as potential competition.

[d0nnivain]

Players give good date but you can't trust them. If he's saying all the right things, doing all the right things & there is never a misstep, proceed with caution or not at all. The smoother & more confident he appears in the beginning the more likely that he's done this before.

 

Only use OLD as 1 tool. Also meet men other ways.

[katiegrl]

Players give good date but you can't trust them. If he's saying all the right things, doing all the right things & there is never a misstep, proceed with caution or not at all. The smoother & more confident he appears in the beginning the more likely that he's done this before.

 

Only use OLD as 1 tool. Also meet men other ways.

 

This ^^ and if he goes overboard with the flattery.

 

"You're so beautiful," "I've never been this turned on," "I am never this attracted, but you're different," blah blah blah.

 

And if they start wanting to see you all the time, comes on too strong, too soon.

 

Men who come on so strong, so fast and appear to be so enthralled with you from the get go, are usually off and running just as fast!

 

Many women are susceptible to flattery though, and thus make the mistake of actually believing him, and then wonder what happened when they start to fade or disappear.

 

Be smarter than that!

[Mrin]

Players give good date but you can't trust them. If he's saying all the right things, doing all the right things & there is never a misstep, proceed with caution or not at all. The smoother & more confident he appears in the beginning the more likely that he's done this before.

 

Or he could just be the perfect guy for her...

 

I get the concept but it also seems like you could reject a great prospect that way too. Actually, come to think of it, things clicked amazingly well with my GF and for the first couple of months she kept on asking if I was a player. I always thought she was just joking...

[Gary S]

Wait to have sex. Some religious folks wait until marriage.

[DoesntGetIt]

I don't think there is an easy way, more of an intuition that you will form after having dealt with a few of them.

 

 

One way is to make sure to not overlook guys who are nice and interested in you, but you may initially feel they may not be your type. Sometimes women will realize they are often falling for the player because they like a lot of the aspects of them, so changing up what you look for can help.

[d0nnivain]

Or he could just be the perfect guy for her...

 

I get the concept but it also seems like you could reject a great prospect that way too. Actually, come to think of it, things clicked amazingly well with my GF and for the first couple of months she kept on asking if I was a player. I always thought she was just joking...

 

 

I didn't say reject him. I said proceed with caution.

 

True players get bored & move on if they don't get what they want quickly. They know there is no need to expend a lot of effort because the next woman will easily fall for their charms.

 

Good guys who appear to be players because you click with them, will stick around.

 

Time is the best litmus test.

 

FWIW, ladies, if you ask a player if he is a player, he's smooth enough to say of course not.

 

Another easy sign that he's a player is whether he can spontaneously whip up romance -- I mean the stuff from the movies -- out of thin air with seemingly little effort. It means he's done it before. It's one of my favorite things about players: dancing in the dining room; feeling like you are all alone in the middle of a crowded venue; getting lost in his eyes & arms but you have to understand you are being played. You are being played well & it can be a ton of fun but you can't trust them with your heart.

[Redhead14]

After my last unfortunate dating experience I need advice on how to avoid players. I'm new to online dating and just started about 6 months ago. I got divorced last year after a 17 year marriage and before marrying my ex-husband I dated my college boyfriend for 4 years. In between those 2 relationships I dated a couple of people very casually therefore I don't have much experience.

 

I've dated three different men since January but this last one was a big time player and I was too naive to figure it out until he completely disappeared. He strung me along for 7 weeks and then went vanished. It turns out he was "blue skying" me and in some cases telling me outright lies.

 

Here is a little history....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/520697-god-fearing-men-more-trustworthy

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/525464-dating-7-weeks-now-he-s-gone-silent

 

What I can do to avoid these men? Is the default to not believe a word they say until proven to be true?

 

I don't want to give up on dating but this last experience was very disappointing.

 

There's really no way to avoid it. Just date a man, keep your emotions and expectations in check in the very early stages of dating a new man. Observe him carefully, words and actions.

 

And, don't distrust every man you date. Doing that will cause you to "sabotage" the potential. Take the man at his word until he shows you he can't be trusted. You're passing a guilty verdict without a trial.

 

Seven weeks of dating is not that long in the scheme of things, but it's long enough that he should have at least told you he didn't want to or couldn't see you anymore.

 

We can't say that the 7 weeks guy was a player. He did have a lot on his plate. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. But he was inconsiderate in his handling of the situation. If he was consistent with calling/seeing you and otherwise showing a good level of interest, he wasn't a player, he just got overwhelmed.

[barcode88]

I see a lot of conflicting advice on here.

 

Guys are told to be confident and funny on dates, and now that makes us "players"??

 

Good lord.

 

OP if you want to avoid players, don't put out sex until like 10 dates, they will probably disappear by #5.

[Mrin]

Another easy sign that he's a player is whether he can spontaneously whip up romance -- I mean the stuff from the movies -- out of thin air with seemingly little effort. It means he's done it before. It's one of my favorite things about players: dancing in the dining room; feeling like you are all alone in the middle of a crowded venue; getting lost in his eyes & arms but you have to understand you are being played. You are being played well & it can be a ton of fun but you can't trust them with your heart.

 

Ha! I do that stuff all the time. My Soulmate says I have more romance in my pinky than most men have in their entire body. I can turn preparing a simple meal together into a full body and soul seduction. We once made out like teenagers in the middle of a crowded park for hours on end. I fed her cherries and wine and read a book to her under the leaves of giant maple tree.

 

But I see your point. Time is what tells. That being said, if my GF hadn't opened her heart to me I am not sure we'd be here now, 9 months later. Sometimes you just have to take a chance.

 

Bad players can be "outed" by doing things to disrupt their routines. Insist that he go and get a full STD test before sex. Or if you detect that they're yo-yo-ing you with your emotions. The push-pull hot-cold PUA crap.

 

In the end, you probably can't discern a really good player from a love of your life. That's why players are successful - they can get the woman to believe this is the love of her life.

 

Two more thoughts:

 

1. I once heard an interesting perspective from a woman about how to detect a really good player. Give them what they want - which is usually sex. Have sex with them and see if he sticks around. Her perspective is she'd rather be played over 3 - 4 fantastic dates and find out he's a player rather than over 3 - 4 months after becoming emotionally invested. Interesting notion.

 

2. Speaking only for myself, when I met my Soulmate I was worried that perhaps she was a female player. She's stunning. Gorgeous. But she also has this mystique that we men find intoxicating. Men line up for her attention. All. The. Time. And our initial romance was so off the charts that I became worried I was indeed being played. This is what I did: I discarded any expectations. I saw her as this beautiful shimmering bubble floating in the air in front of me. I didn't know if that bubble would last another date, or even another minute. I shed my expectations and approached her entirely in the present. I didn't care if it would burst - because I was just going to enjoy it for as long as it lasted.

 

And that bubble not only lasted but grows more beautiful by the day.

Edited April 27, 2015 by Mrin

[d0nnivain]

I see a lot of conflicting advice on here.

 

Guys are told to be confident and funny on dates, and now that makes us "players"??

 

Good lord.

 

OP if you want to avoid players, don't put out sex until like 10 dates, they will probably disappear by #5.

 

Not a conflict at all.

 

Men should be confident. That doesn't make them players. What makes a guy a player is when he misuses that confidence to get more notches on his bedpost by manipulating women he doesn't care about. That is a bad thing to be avoid by women who don't want their hearts broken.

 

Personally I like players, always have. They give good date. You just can't give them your heart. Whether you give them your body is entirely up to you but falling for players leads to heartache.

[Ruby Slippers]

Most men on OLD are just looking for sex. Sex is their singular goal, and once they get it, the game is over and they're on to the next.

 

In your other thread, you said you had sex with the "religious" guy on the 3rd date. Someone you've seen 3 times is barely a step up from stranger.

 

The only way to weed out that 90%+ of men who want to exert minimum effort for maximum reward is to get to know them before having sex. Getting to know someone to even a slight depth takes at least a few months.

[BluEyeL]

You can smoke them, once you become experienced. To weed them out, there are a few tricks:

 

1. Wait to have sex until you are in a relationship. Players will not wait.

2. Find out his relationship history. Is very telling. Did he divorce 9 years ago and only had short term relationships since? Is he in his 40s and never had a long term relationship? What are his attitudes about women? Was he a revolving door of women all his life?

3. Is he too smooth, too perfect, does everything "by the book"? It means he practiced a lot.

4. Comes strong. Exaggerates compliments. Alludes at marrying you after 3 dates (passes by city hall--maybe you and I will go there one day). Says he loves you after 3 weeks. etc etc etc.

5. What does he thinks of marriage/mating for life? You don't have to ask these questions directly. For example, I made a comment about a movie we've seen, about the "happily ever after". If he responds with cynicism, hm...

6. Last but not least, people tell us who they are very quickly. They can't help it. They slip. Be vigilant. For example, one of my players. I asked, jokingly "oooh, so are you going to break my heart?". He responded, with a smirk: "not this weekend".

7. He is not consistent with the dates, asks you out last minute, asks you to "hang out".

 

All of these don't have to be present at the same time. Generally, take it slow. Meaning, keep your heart locked away until you get to know the man. Don't get excited. Be the judge and don't be ready to please. Know your worth.

[Peachland]

You can smoke them, once you become experienced. To weed them out, there are a few tricks:

 

1. Wait to have sex until you are in a relationship. Players will not wait.

2. Find out his relationship history. Is very telling. Did he divorce 9 years ago and only had short term relationships since? Is he in his 40s and never had a long term relationship? What are his attitudes about women? Was he a revolving door of women all his life?

3. Is he too smooth, too perfect, does everything "by the book"? It means he practiced a lot.

4. Comes strong. Exaggerates compliments. Alludes at marrying you after 3 dates (passes by city hall--maybe you and I will go there one day). Says he loves you after 3 weeks. etc etc etc.

5. What does he thinks of marriage/mating for life? You don't have to ask these questions directly. For example, I made a comment about a movie we've seen, about the "happily ever after". If he responds with cynicism, hm...

6. Last but not least, people tell us who they are very quickly. They can't help it. They slip. Be vigilant. For example, one of my players. I asked, jokingly "oooh, so are you going to break my heart?". He responded, with a smirk: "not this weekend".

7. He is not consistent with the dates, asks you out last minute, asks you to "hang out".

 

All of these don't have to be present at the same time. Generally, take it slow. Meaning, keep your heart locked away until you get to know the man. Don't get excited. Be the judge and don't be ready to please. Know your worth.

 

I can relate to a lot of things on this list. #2 He's been divorced for 10 years but still struggled to find the right woman to be his wife. I told him it was strange that he couldn't find a wife because he had a lot going on for him (wealthy, very attractive, business owner, family man, etc). He did have a fiancee off and on for 5 of those years but again why couldn't he close the deal. How do you have a fiancee off and on for 5 years? Something wasn't quite right.

 

I also got #7. It was hard for him to plan dates days in advance. He would tell me that he wasn't organized enough to plan in advance so we always had highlevel plans of getting together and then waited til the day before or the day of to confirm plans. So frustrating.

 

#3 I was so starry eyed on all our dates. He was so romantic, affectionate. At restaurants he never sat across from me at a table. He always sat right next to me because he wanted to be close to me, be able to touch me, etc. My heart was melting.

 

#6 At one point he did let it slip that he had me and I knew exactly what he meant. He knew he won me over and that I buying everything he was selling.

 

Fortunately I can laugh it about it all now.

[Peachland]

Another easy sign that he's a player is whether he can spontaneously whip up romance -- I mean the stuff from the movies -- out of thin air with seemingly little effort. It means he's done it before. It's one of my favorite things about players: dancing in the dining room; feeling like you are all alone in the middle of a crowded venue; getting lost in his eyes & arms but you have to understand you are being played. You are being played well & it can be a ton of fun but you can't trust them with your heart.

 

This is so true. He always made me feel like I was alone in a busy restaurant / club. You've described it perfectly. It was fun while it lasted.

[Gary S]

Also, half the men out there who have been called players are not really players - they just happened to drop the woman first, and the woman calls them that out of scorn.