Jump to content

Online Dating: The stress of having to reject people


abby_tx

Recommended Posts

Dating when you're out of college is really hard, so I've resorted mainly to online dating which I absolutely hate. I was in a 7 year relationship and before that had little experience dating, so having to reject guys was a new experience for me and one that REALLY stressed me out. After the date, I'd reply to all of the guys texts, consider going on a second date if he asked even though I didn't want to, then finally think of some polite way to reject him. I thought a polite rejection was, "Sorry, I'm not over my ex." So then of course, I'd get lingering texts as if suddenly I'd be over him and want to date them.

 

I hit a point recently where I couldn't handle getting emotionally invested in all of these guys I'd only spent one date with (this makes it sound like I date a lot. I don't). I decided not to reply to their texts after our first date. They get the hint ASAP and I never hear from them again. It's relieved all stress for me, but is probably a jerk move on my part. How do you guys reject people after a first date?

Link to post
Share on other sites
losangelena

I think the trick is to not get emotionally invested at all by one date.

 

When I was OLD, and wasn't interested in a guy who messaged me, or didn't want to go out a second time, I would ignore. You're right, some think it's rude, but it is stressful and often times an outright waste of time to have to explain to someone, I just wasn't feeling it. They want a longer explanation (there usually isn't one), or they get defensive or won't take no for an answer. Ignoring a text sends the same message. And before people jump down my throat, I have to say that A LOT of the guys I went on one date with, or messaged online, pulled the ignore call, too. Once you get into multiple dates with someone, then fading/ignoring is not cool.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember
Dating when you're out of college is really hard, so I've resorted mainly to online dating which I absolutely hate. I was in a 7 year relationship and before that had little experience dating, so having to reject guys was a new experience for me and one that REALLY stressed me out. After the date, I'd reply to all of the guys texts, consider going on a second date if he asked even though I didn't want to, then finally think of some polite way to reject him. I thought a polite rejection was, "Sorry, I'm not over my ex." So then of course, I'd get lingering texts as if suddenly I'd be over him and want to date them.

 

I hit a point recently where I couldn't handle getting emotionally invested in all of these guys I'd only spent one date with (this makes it sound like I date a lot. I don't). I decided not to reply to their texts after our first date. They get the hint ASAP and I never hear from them again. It's relieved all stress for me, but is probably a jerk move on my part. How do you guys reject people after a first date?

 

I continue to text.

 

Eventually, if either or both parties aren't interested in meeting again, then it just peters out. There was a woman I went on a date with that I didn't exactly click with that I decided to keep as a friend. She was a nice woman. Another woman I texted back and forth with for a little while and it just petered out and we never met.

 

I do tend to think ignoring texts is inconsiderate. Worst comes to worst, meet up with the guy and have a cup of coffee and say you don't see the romantic side of it. Keep in mind though I'm much older than you, am a man, and get very few dates.

 

If you are a woman in your 20s and go on 10 dates a week trying to find an ideal guy, then yea, you might not have the time or reason to let people down slowly and gently. But I do.

 

I have lots of time. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think the trick is to not get emotionally invested at all by one date.

 

When I was OLD, and wasn't interested in a guy who messaged me, or didn't want to go out a second time, I would ignore. You're right, some think it's rude, but it is stressful and often times an outright waste of time to have to explain to someone, I just wasn't feeling it. They want a longer explanation (there usually isn't one), or they get defensive or won't take no for an answer. Ignoring a text sends the same message. And before people jump down my throat, I have to say that A LOT of the guys I went on one date with, or messaged online, pulled the ignore call, too. Once you get into multiple dates with someone, then fading/ignoring is not cool.

 

 

I agree completely! I wouldn't fade/ignore on a guy I had multiple dates with but doing this after one date seems to be the best solution I've found for me!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I used to be all formal about dating etiquette but learned from the ladies of my generation probably 20+ years ago to fade to black like they never existed. At first I was a bit miffed when they did this but rejected women so seldom that I didn't have a set pattern established. As time went by though, I got used to it and started doing it myself and that continues to this day. The only exception would be ending things where any exclusivity was agreed upon or sex had occurred, since that, for myself, would be an invested relationship. That kind of stuff is ended in person. Perhaps, in another demographic, I'll experience different customs and will change that perspective. IDK.

Link to post
Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember
I think the trick is to not get emotionally invested at all by one date.

 

When I was OLD, and wasn't interested in a guy who messaged me, or didn't want to go out a second time, I would ignore. You're right, some think it's rude, but it is stressful and often times an outright waste of time to have to explain to someone, I just wasn't feeling it. They want a longer explanation (there usually isn't one), or they get defensive or won't take no for an answer. Ignoring a text sends the same message. And before people jump down my throat, I have to say that A LOT of the guys I went on one date with, or messaged online, pulled the ignore call, too. Once you get into multiple dates with someone, then fading/ignoring is not cool.

 

I think sending a short text saying, "I don't feel like we're all that compatible, and I'm pretty busy these days." is better than a flat out ignore.

 

I just HATE when people ignore my texts. Some of my best friends do that to me. It takes all of 10 seconds to reply to a text.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think sending a short text saying, "I don't feel like we're all that compatible, and I'm pretty busy these days." is better than a flat out ignore.

 

I just HATE when people ignore my texts. Some of my best friends do that to me. It takes all of 10 seconds to reply to a text.

 

It takes 10 seconds, but for some reason it feels like it requires SO much effort. I work and can't really stop to text friends if my bosses are around. I also spend a lot of time on the road. So if I'm going to take the time to respond to a text, it will be for a friend and not some dude I never want to see again. /rude :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember
It takes 10 seconds, but for some reason it feels like it requires SO much effort. I work and can't really stop to text friends if my bosses are around. I also spend a lot of time on the road. So if I'm going to take the time to respond to a text, it will be for a friend and not some dude I never want to see again. /rude :(

 

So spend 10 minutes before you go to sleep that night and reply to all your texts.

 

Keep in mind, I'm probably twice your age, and have a slower social life. I used to ignore phone calls when I was younger too (no texts).

 

But through the years, I've learned to not do to people the things they do to me that upset me.

 

So, I'm very careful about rejecting people. Just IMHO, sending a short text saying, "I don't think we are that compatible" is just SO much better. It leaves the reason more open ended, doesn't leave the guy on edge waiting, etc, etc.

 

Coming from a guy who has been rejected literally hundreds of times in every which way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
fitnessfan365

Personally, I'd rather have a woman ignore me if she doesn't want a second date. I mean anything she says won't change the fact that she isn't interested. So I don't need to hear whatever excuse she'll come up with.

 

If I want to see a woman again, I send one text the next day - "I had a great time last night!". If she responds, I let her know that I'll be in touch soon to plan the next date. Then I call her a few days later. If she doesn't respond, I simply take the hint and never contact her again. By keeping things simple and relying on common sense, life is so much easier.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember

The bottom line is if you feel bad about it (and you obviously do) then I would consider sending a short reply from now on.

 

Other people don't feel bad about it and don't feel bad about getting ignored and that's fine.

 

I would feel bad, and do feel bad about getting ignored, so I err to that side.

 

It's more of an opinion on a social convention than anything having to do with dating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The bottom line is if you feel bad about it (and you obviously do) then I would consider sending a short reply from now on.

 

Other people don't feel bad about it and don't feel bad about getting ignored and that's fine.

 

I would feel bad, and do feel bad about getting ignored, so I err to that side.

 

 

 

I did feel bad about everything before I started the ignore-method. I felt so much guilt and ended up hating the guys for putting me in that situation (when really, they didn't. I put myself in it). Ignoring has been a lot better for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember
I did feel bad about everything before I started the ignore-method. I felt so much guilt and ended up hating the guys for putting me in that situation (when really, they didn't. I put myself in it). Ignoring has been a lot better for me.

 

You're probably also in your young 20s and have a lot of guys chasing after you.

 

In that case it's different. You probably have to ignore.

 

With me, if I get a woman to respond to my message, we're honestly trying to feel each other out. And the women who agree to go on dates with me tend to be good, down to Earth women and I would consider making most of them friends. If we don't meet, it's just a general fade. Neither one of us is chasing. Chasing sucks.

 

If you're getting all kinds of messages and dates from weird, wacky guys who are trying to chase after you, it's a different game. That's not something I have any kind of experience with. That is what I was trying to say. I know a lot of women make fun of and mock the guys who send them messages on OKC and Tinder. So, consider that.

 

But I stand by the friends thing. Ignoring texts from friends says you don't care enough about them to take 10 seconds out of your day for them.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
Link to post
Share on other sites

I decided not to reply to their texts after our first date. They get the hint ASAP and I never hear from them again. It's relieved all stress for me, but is probably a jerk move on my part.

 

No, not a jerk move at all. This is the way I prefer it actually.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just send this "I had a nice time but I don't think we are a match. I wish you well and hope you find what you're looking for"

 

Cut and paste it. Honestly it doesn't matter what you say. You just need to waive the dudes off and not just let it linger - which is far crueler and will only cause them to think ill of you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Once you get into multiple dates with someone, then fading/ignoring is not cool.

 

Multiple? like 2, 3, 4? I've never ignored anyone but I've faded on plenty of girls after 3 dates. I mean if they really wanted to see me again they'd give me a call.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Personally, I'd rather have a woman ignore me if she doesn't want a second date. I mean anything she says won't change the fact that she isn't interested. So I don't need to hear whatever excuse she'll come up with.

 

Exactly, anything she says isn't going to sound genuine. Especially when she has a BF 3 weeks later. Silence is always the best option

Edited by Jame22
Link to post
Share on other sites
40 Fonzarelli

I feel bad just ignoring texts. Especially if we had a good date, but just didn't connect. We still shared a moment together. I usually just respond with few words but don't really carry on the convo. Usually they get the hint.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Completely understand where you're coming from OP.

 

It's hard. None of us enjoy hurting other people, even when we know it's for the best in the long run.

 

I've been toying with a "standard rejection" text idea. Basically, it's the text I send when I don't want to take things further.

 

Goes like this;

 

"Hey, while it's been great getting to know you, I'm just not feeling a romantic connection between us. I wish you all the best in your search and hope you find what you're looking for!"

 

.. then I block their phone number.

 

It seems harsh, but I figure the following;

 

1) We've been one a date, maybe two. That's not a commitment.

2) I've been honest about my feelings and been respectful in my rejection.

3) Once I've made my decision, I don't want to have to second guess myself. You make the call and live with it. I'm not interested in a dialogue.

 

If yoiu develop a standard way of doing it, you can minimise the amount of guilt associated with the progress.

 

It's hard, but ultimately, it's the greater kindness.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
DoesntGetIt

I prefer to just hear that they aren't interested so I don't waste effort of texts and time on wondering.

 

 

Mature people will receive that text and reply with a simple "Thank you for letting me know" or something similar and both will move on just fine. No need for it to be drama filled.

 

 

 

 

I think the mistake is some people go into it thinking they're going to have to explain it away and start to, that brings up questions and leads to more crap. But a simple "I don't feel we're compatible" or "I am sorry to say I'm just not that interested" etc. let's it all close down quickly.

 

 

I know people who have said that near the end of the actual first date, just so there was no need for texts after the date. Seems to generally work out fine.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
SawtoothMars
Personally, I'd rather have a woman ignore me if she doesn't want a second date. I mean anything she says won't change the fact that she isn't interested. So I don't need to hear whatever excuse she'll come up with.

If I want to see a woman again, I send one text the next day - "I had a great time last night!". If she responds, I let her know that I'll be in touch soon to plan the next date. Then I call her a few days later. If she doesn't respond, I simply take the hint and never contact her again. By keeping things simple and relying on common sense, life is so much easier.

 

This is weak sauce! Is your ego so frail?

 

I would much prefer honesty. I want to know what I did wrong, or even if she was multi-dating and the other guy was a better match.

 

A fade out is irritating because I FOLLOW UP! It will actually hold me up from moving on quicker. Frankly I think it's a jerk move, but I understand doing it because it is basically the easy button. Imagine if colleges just didn't bother to send out rejection letters and students get to keep wondering if they are still being considered or have been rejected. Some would be left hanging right up to the start of the semester.

Edited by SawtoothMars
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ms_incognito

Personally, I think it's rude to just leave someone hanging. If it's a mutual fade, then I guess that's ok cause there is that awkwardness. I think it also depends on how things ended on the last date. I always respond back even to gently tell them I'm not interested, but apparently that's rare

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dating online can be sometimes a bad and good thing, but a way to meet people passed a certain age when the pool of potential matches has decreased considerably. Through dating websites we have access to many singles, however it is hard to get to know one person when there are so many possibilities. It is easy to think that someone better will show up around the corner, therefore the endless, fruitless search.

In spite of many people claiming to prefer straight forwardness, you might end up hurt their feelings. I find that the best way to communicate your lack of interest is to stop engaging with the person. This way they quickly get the message and won't feel hurt. Certainly do not go on more dates with someone you are not attracted to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone

The first "date" in online dating isn't a big deal. The second then third date is a bigger deal. After date two or three a text or email is called for.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I couldn't imagine just ignoring a guy, would not matter if it were one date or 100 dates.

 

I wouldn't want it done to me, therefore I won't do to them! Imagining them anxiously waiting and wondering when and IF I will ever respond, no way, can't do it. It's weak and thoughtless IMO.

 

After a first date, if the guy texted me, asking me out again, or even just saying he had a great time, I would always respond back, telling him I enjoyed meeting him but just didn't feel enough spark to go forward. Wished him the best of luck in his search.

 

Men have always responded positively to that...some even thanking me for my honesty!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
fitnessfan365
This is weak sauce! Is your ego so frail?

 

I would much prefer honesty. I want to know what I did wrong, or even if she was multi-dating and the other guy was a better match.

 

A fade out is irritating because I FOLLOW UP! It will actually hold me up from moving on quicker. Frankly I think it's a jerk move, but I understand doing it because it is basically the easy button. Imagine if colleges just didn't bother to send out rejection letters and students get to keep wondering if they are still being considered or have been rejected. Some would be left hanging right up to the start of the semester.

 

If I'm not interested in seeing a woman again, I am tactfully honest about it. I don't just fade away. However, when it's done to me I could care less. The question I have is why are you getting so invested in a complete stranger? You shouldn't need "closure" after one date. Also, dating is supposed to be fun, playful, and stress free. If you're treating it like student/teacher relations, job interviewing, etc maybe that's why you're not being successful.

 

I can honestly say that it is not a matter of ego. It's just that when you live in abundance, you become indifferent. I'm not trying to be cocky. Just stating a fact. If a woman doesn't want to see me again, I just take it at face value. Then I simply line up another date. I don't need clarification from her to make myself feel better. I'm guessing that since you don't date that much, that's why you take rejection harder and need closure so badly to figure things out. But for me, I just meet someone new and don't let one woman diminish me.

Edited by fitnessfan365
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...